Assault putting strain on marriage

[PetalOfADeeperShade]

Don't want to drip feed, so this might be quite long...NC so I don't out myself, but I do post regularly. (Also posted this on another place first but then realised it would be better here so reposted).

Over ten years ago I was date raped by a male "friend". It took me a long time to face what happened, but I eventually sought counselling and came to terms with it. Or so I thought.

When I first met my husband we had a few sexual difficulties over this. He was very supportive and patient and with a lot of hard work we got to a good place.

Last year, we moved to a new city. It was very much my idea to relocate- this city wasn't first choice but it was the most practical for a variety of reasons. DH was able to transfer to another office within his company.

Soon after we moved it became apparent that my attacker had also moved here (I had gone NC and had lost track of him over the years). I first realised this when DH and I were walking down the street and I saw him through a cafe window.

Another time we have seen him at supermarket checkout, and one time, on my own, I saw him outside the hairdresser where I was getting a haircut. He has also set up his own business, using his (distinctive) surname and so I often see hoardings/signs with the business's name and logo in unexpected places.

This is taking a huge emotional toll on me. I am basically scared to leave the house a lot of the time. And because I am pretty much terrified most of the time and so emotionally drained by it, I am over reacting to other things a lot, because I have very little emotional reserves left. So I am very tired, flit in and out of depression.

It is taking a toll on our marriage too. Emotionally I am very up and down, so DH and I are arguing a lot. Intimacy is more difficult than it was before, especially sexually. I struggled with it for a while, spoke to DH about it and he was lovely, saying just to take the time I needed and he would wait. But now I am ready for that but he is very inhibited, partly because he doesn't want to pressure/upset me, partly because we are arguing a lot and partly because, when it's been a while it can be nerve wracking starting again.

It has taken me a while to work out what is going on. I thought a lot of my stress/tiredness was down to moving city and also to a few other minor but dramatic incidents that have happened since we moved. But we went away over Christmas and I was literally like a different person. I went for a walk down a street by myself on the way somewhere, and realised it was the first time in god knows how long that I had felt free to do so without being watchful.

To compound things, as we are in a new city I need to meet people and make friends, and this is definitely hindering that as I am so scared and anxious all the time. I am also very scared both of my husband and that he will leave me. He hasn't really given me cause for this, I am just so scared and anxious of everyone all the time it is kind of infectious and I can't switch off the hypervigilance. I know he is getting tired of the arguments and jumpiness/snappiness so I am in danger of being a self fulfilling prophecy.

It has occurred to us both to move again, but that really wouldn't be practical or feasible given how recently we have already moved. In my worst moments I even think about leaving this place just myself and trying to make a go of it elsewhere, but I really love my husband and don't want to leave/lose him. But I can't go on with this ever present fear either.

I really don't know what to do and I sense that I am about to reach breaking point, I can feel that I am on the brink of real depression about the situation. I have thought about going to counselling again, unfortunately I found that quite re-traumatising and became suicidal at one point so am reluctant to jump into that without thinking of other options first. I really couldn't face going over the details of the original incident again, but I could handle talking about how I deal with the situation now IYSWIM.

I know my husband will give me what ever time I need to sort this out. I need to get a handle on the snappiness/short temper the omnipresent fear is causing in me though, as he is only human and my moodiness/temper is getting him down, as are things like my having difficulty leaving the house sometimes even when we have plans and therefore we are reluctant to make plans a lot. He is a very patient and loving and kind man. He is being worn down by this too, but he would never, never pressurise me into anything.

So how do I handle this better?

It sounds as though you need some professional intervention. You mention counselling originally. I think, even though there's been a lot of water under the bridge, your current reaction is severe enough to seek help again. As for being made to relive events and the other things causing you anxiety, you are already reliving those events in an uncontrolled way by seeing this person around and about. In a counselling environment you are in control of the process.

Was this man ever reported or investigated? That might be something you want to consider. Rape Crisis, for example, are getting a lot of calls in the aftermath of the Yew Tree Investigation on historical sexual abuse cases. Survivors like you are coming forward with details of assault that happened a long time ago, often for the first time.

I am not an expert on trauma, I hope others here will be able to advise on how best to handle it.

I just wanted to tell you to be kind to yourself: you are not to blame, and you are handling things very well - your post is extremely considerate and perceptive. It seems, understandably, that seeing this man and his business advertising is re-traumatising you, and that is completely understandable.

You've got a really good grip of the issues, and you have a supportive husband, which is great. I'm sure you will find the solution that works best for you: whether it's counselling with a trauma specialist, or moving again, or anything else.

You are handling this admirably, from where I'm sitting.

I'm not an expert but suffered something that resulted in me having similar symptoms. It was eventually diagnosed as PTSD.
Have you been to your GP? I chose not to take any anti-anxiety medication but you may feel differently. I think it's worth remembering that you're not losing the plot (although it feels like it). Essentially being fearful of a very real threat is sane and natural. I had counselling. We have now moved over 5 hours away. I know it's an awful thing to ask of your DH, but I think that's what might make the difference. I also opened up to 4-5 people (previously didn't tell anyone bar my counsellor and DH). That really helped too. You need to feel safe. Going to the police (in the long run) is the other alternative as this would also keep you safe.

Thank you Cogito Goats and Primary for posting your very kind and helpful thoughts.

With some reflection:

Medication- I have had anti-anxiety medication for another reason before and it didn't help. But I have had anti-depressants before (after my mum's death) and whilst I could tell that the elevation in my mood was fake, it did give me the space and strength to sort some things out mentally and emotionally, so my mood was genuinely better when I came off them.

Counselling- it is true that I am reliving this in an uncontrolled way now. I would have to be very careful about picking a counsellor. I think I will start by contacting the Rape Crisis hotline for advice. They maybe able to recommend a counsellor who specialises in this or refer me to the local centre.

My local centre is close by, and I did make a couple of donations to them last year, which is probably telling. I probably need more anonymity than that at the current moment though as it is very close, but that could change as I get more comfortable in handling this.

The original counselling I received was at their centre in my hometown. That is away from here but not so far it couldn't be visited regularly if I had reason. It is also in a street I am very comfortable with as a relative used to live there. I just looked them up online and their site brought a smile to my face, which again, is telling. I have an anonymous standing order donation towards them, set up last year, which was one of the things I first did when I realised this was starting to bother me again.

Reporting- on the one hand, I do see the value in doing this, not so much for closure for me, but in case I'm not the only person he has assaulted and the police are aware of him/may become aware of him in the future. On the other hand, it was 12 years ago, in another city and it would very much be a case of he said/she said with no forensic evidence possible now.

I also have wariness about how well the police would handle this, and am unsure whether I would need to report it here or in the city it took place? Very different police forces. Again, speaking to Rape Crisis might help me make my mind up about this. Also, if reporting it here was possible, I do know of a specialist unit based in a neighbouring city but with jurisdiction here as the overall force is the same, that is headed by a woman and has a very, very good reputation for dealing with sexual crimes. But again, I can ask Rape Crisis for advice on that, and I think I would need to be in a different place emotionally first before I would be able to do that. But a few steps down a recovery process, as part of the process, maybe I could.

PTSD Yes, I do think that is what is going on with me at times.

Thank you again for your advice and support. It means an awful lot. Thank you.

I'm glad you're thinking about reporting it at least. Successful prosecution for one case in isolation many years ago with no evidence beyond your personal testimony is unlikely. But you're right, he could have done the same thing on other occasions and if two or three people all happen to report the same person and have a similar story, then suddenly it's a very different proposition.

Whenever I hear representatives from Rape Crisis interviewed what they say is that survivors often gain something positive simply from being listened to and believed. Prosecution is not necessarily the only successful outcome.

Really hope you get some peace of mind. It's not fair that you're suffering while men like this are free to sit in cafes etc.

I think it's understandable you'd feel that way and tbh I'd talk to your DH to find the best way to get out of there.

I understand your reluctance regarding the police. As Cogito says even just having it rest on file and been believed by an individual officer might be helpful. Either way it sounds like Rape Crisis would be a really good place to start, for support and advice. I just wanted to finish by saying that even though my DH was absolutely phenonenal in his support, he didn't always understand. Especially regarding triggers (which to him seemed like an overreaction). He needed a lot of me explaining things, which I was only able to do after I had thought it through with the counsellor. I also found being around new people especially difficult as I didn't feel able to explain my reaction to triggers and was worried how I would seem. A temporary solution to this, I found was hosting lots of cups of tea, lunches, dinners so I could control my environment. I don't know if any of this will be useful to you. I really hope you get loads of care, support and advice from those who know your situation better.

Hi Petal. If you can find out if you have a Sexual Assault Referral Centre or similar near you they will be able to offer you loads of support. They can probably sort out counselling and will be able to talk to you about your options regarding talking to the police etc. They WILL be able to help you. Good luck.