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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If you don't love each other any more is it best to cut loose or plod along?

29 replies

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 08:07

Been married to dh 10 years. Got married quite young. Now I'm wondering if I was too young.

Our life at the moment is just like that of 2 lodgers in the same house. We're civil to each other but that is as far as it goes. No 'Good Morning', no cups of tea made,nothing, he sorts himself out as do I. I prefer it when he's working as me and the kids have a nicer day. He's not doing anything vastly wrong, he's not abusive or violent, there is just no spark any more. I never feel like having sex, he takes that as the ultimate rejection and has stopped even trying. Even though his trying was 'fancy a shag' not a nice meal cooked! Because of this lack of interest in sex he thinks it's funny to say I'm a lesbian, I get cross and he says he was only joking so I'm in the wrong for being too sensitive.

I know what the problems are - we don't spend time together, we never go out alone, don't even sit and watch TV in the same room. No kisses or cuddles. It's like we don't even really like each other. But this time just don't feel I have the energy to try and put it right.

Feels like he's forever asking me 'have you done this' or 'Didn't you buy any of this from the shop?' and 'where is my xxxxxx'

Every morning he's up early for work he doesn't even make me a cuppa, just says Bye and sods off.

Don't think I could tell him I don't love him anymore, it would kill him, but more and more I think that's how I feel.

Think we are on a slippery slope and this time can't climb back up. Don't even know why I'm typing this but feel better for doing so.

Am a regular btw, but real life friends post and know my posting name. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Report

Blandmum · 07/10/2006 08:11

Have you talked to him about this?
Have you considered councelling?

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 07/10/2006 08:18

Counselling.
Have you talked about it with him?
Is it worth saving do you think?

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 08:18

Yes we've talked. Been like this on and off over the years, peaks and troughs you know? Haved discussed counselling before, never gor round to it.

JUst seems so pointless, don't see how it would help.

OP posts:

mousiemousie · 07/10/2006 08:20

How would you like your life to be, what is important to you?

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 07/10/2006 08:22

Easy for me to say "Better to have given it a go and know for sure that you've done what you could..."
How about you have some counselling? Could help you work out what you want.
(A friend of mine did this, v disillusioned with her marriage, but it led to her dh agreeing to have couples counselling and after a temporary split they seem to be back on track.)

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 08:23

Is it worth saving? That's it, I just don't know.

I think about how we used to be, young, carefree, passionate and so so happy, the best of friends really. Now that has gone. And it's been gone so long, don't think it will come back.

If I was dating him and things were like this, it would be over. But we're not dating, we're married with a house/car and of course kids so it's just so complicated.

He says I've changed, and I'm some how distant. He's right, I am, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I work and I have the kids, then when it comes to him I just can't be arsed anymore.

In my defense I have had a shit year. A miscarriage and a family feud that is still ongoing.

OP posts:

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 07/10/2006 08:26

In those circs I think I would be distant too.
(And have been, this year, but things have got better.)
You sound very down, nw. Does he realise how much?

auntymandy · 07/10/2006 08:27

get a babysitter and have a night out away from the house and all the everyday things. and talk. you need to find out how you really feel!
Good luck

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 08:29

Yes I am very down, and no he doesn't realise how much.

I hardly ever go out with friends, if I do I get a grilling (who did I speak to, did anyone chat me up blah blah blah) Haven't had a holiday in 3 years....God, it's all coming out now.

OP posts:

auntymandy · 07/10/2006 08:33

Those things wouldnt bother you if you were happy and in love!!
So you may have answered your own question!

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 08:35

But it would be so much easier if he had had an affair/was aggressive etc. He's not. He's always been very insecure and from day 1 always said I would end up leaving him. If I do, he was right....

OP posts:

Rowlers · 07/10/2006 08:42

Relationships change.
That initial spark fades but is replaced with other valuable things. I suspect they could be there but you have both fallen into a rut.
I think the things you mention are important - to spend time together, to feel wanted and appreciated, to go away on holiday, to go out with friends etc.
I think you need to do something practical to get the ball rolling back in the right direction.
Have a day out if you can just the two of you. Or go out for dinner. Or to the theatre, whatever suits.
Tell him how you feel - men often don't see unless you tell them straight (but nicely).

auntymandy · 07/10/2006 08:42

so let him be right. Its unusual for a man to be!!!!

lulunaticmama · 07/10/2006 08:47

I think you are describing a jaded and stale relationship - i honestly don;t think you should end a realtionship because of this.

when you're stuck in a rut, it's hard to get out - but you need to make some child free time together to talk.

let each other know how you feel, be 'nicer' to each other-

if he makes you a cuppa in the morning , you'll do x for him .. so it is reciprocal and you will both start to appreciate each other more.

You might find once you reopen the lines of communication, things will turn around. if he is insecure, he might be supbconcioulsy pushing you away so he can be proved right.

Give things a second chance, if you do and still feel the same, at least you've tried, but don;t think you are any where near the packing up and leaving stage yet....

i think it's a stage virtually all long term relationships go through from time to time, especially when have lots of stressful things going on....

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 08:53

Yes, you are right. If I thought he was going to walk through the door tonight with a twinkle in his eye, full of life and fun, like he used to be I would sob with happiness and fling my arms around him. Instead he'll come in with a grumpy face, wondering what to have for tea, moaning at kids toys around and just looking miserable. In turn I'll be grumpy, and we'll bicker all night.

OP posts:

Blandmum · 07/10/2006 08:54

and tbh I don't think that you can be 'in love' ie the wild estatic state you are in when you first get it together, through all of a long therm relationship. that sort of love burns away and replaced by a kind, gentle love of a different kind. Totaly agree that you have to both work on 'kindnesses', IYSWIM.

Molton · 07/10/2006 09:05

NW, you have to be the one to start things (only cos one of you does and you're the one on MNet that the rest of us can talk to at the mo)

I think you really have to talk to him and properly identify what you both want and need, how you'd like things to be and what you need from each other. the thing you said in previous post about him coming in with a sparkle in his eye could be one example.
then, once you are clear on what he needs and why, start doing those things. Commit to doing them for a month at first. Not because you expect him to change in return but because you are doing it for him, just that. to start with you might get no / little response, but within a month he should start to reciprocate.

really good article I read recently explains this better than I could - will see if I can find it.

Long term being in love is about practicalities and doing / being what the other person needs. then the spark will come back.

Please please don't give up yet. there are things you can do. If things don't work out in the end - surely it's best to leave knowing you did absolutely everything you could

xx

grumpyfrumpy · 07/10/2006 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Molton · 07/10/2006 09:09

Ps i didn't change though until DH came home and said he didn't want to be married anymore. that was the catalyst (it's been a shitty year here a shock like that was what it took for us to change. But if he'd said he didn't love me anymore (he said he loved me but felt differently about us) I don't think I could have recovered from that

Spagblog · 07/10/2006 09:12

Jeeze, I could have written this. Except DH doesn't go out to work.
We are generally stuck in together all the time.

DH used to do the wry "You'll stop loving me and leave one day" thing.
It is a self fulfilling prophesy.
Of course you'd leave if someone harped onto you and brought you down all the time.

Sigh. I admit to being depressed about it. Do you think that living separately but maybe dating for a bit might be feasible.

We would do it if we could afford to.

Molton · 07/10/2006 09:13

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html

This site, marriagebuildersdot com (sorry not good at posting links) talks about the three states of mind in marriage.

Some parts of what this guy talks about were a little extreme for me but the basic concepts made so much sense, it was like a little lightbulb went on....

numbwoman · 07/10/2006 09:55

DEpressed? I don't know. Yes I have 'can't be arsed attitude, low sex drive and stuff, but I'm not a weeping wailing wreck and that's how I perceieve depression. (no offence to the depressed) But my zest for life has gone, I go to bed knackered and wake up kanackered. Is this depression?

OP posts:

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numbwoman · 07/10/2006 09:55

Thanks for the link MOlton, am off to check that out....

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Spagblog · 07/10/2006 10:19

sounds like me...

Never been one for weeping and wailing and overdramatics.

I feel tired, lethargic, cynical, resentful, numb. However I also get moments of complete stress where I think I am having a panic attack.

I do have depression, although it is untreated as DH doesn't want me to take the ADs I have been prescribed.

I wonder if I am purposely pushing DH away too...If he left I could unconsciously remain the one who was dumped, not the home wrecker IYSWIM

frenchconnection · 07/10/2006 10:26

Spagblog, you just sound like me. I also saw your post on my speech therapy degree thread about not being sure how you'll manage doing the degree.. i am also unsure how i will manage with the kids should i be accepted for entry in 2007.

My marriage aint the greatest either, we really lead separate lives and have little interest in each other. i feel down as i have been here before when my relationship with dd's dad fell apart, now its happening again and im only 27!! how about you?

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