It's not fair! My life centres around spirited toddler, while dp is having the time of his life ...

[ItsNotFair]

Dp and I are having cyclical rows about a recurring issue, and have started seeing Relate about it. For the first time in our 10-and-a-half years together, we haven't been able to work through a fundamental difference of opinion

Before dp and I had ds (approaching two-and-a-half), we intended that one, or ideally both, of us would stay at home and raise him. As it's turned out, I've stayed home with ds while dp has grown a successful business.

What I am struggling with is that probably one of the most challenging times in my life (raising a very spirited, crap-sleeping toddler) is coinciding with probably the most rewarding, fulfilling and happy time in dp's life. As much as I love ds to bits, I am finding it bloody tough at the moment. Dp, on the other hand, doesn't have an equivalent job with ups and distinct downs, long hours, etc. He runs a business which he's made such a rollicking success of that dp has been able to delegate about half his workload to a fantastic team (who think he's the best boss ever ? cue more fulfillment), and go off for test drives, lunch with friends, flying lessons and more during the other half of his "working" day.

Part of me thinks good for dp, this is the kind of life everyone would want, and he rightly says he's created it for himself and why would anyone elect to make their life shitter in order to keep things "fair"? But another part of me is so fed up and resentful at the unfairness of it, of his joie de vivre at the moment and of the fulfilment he feels and recognition he receives, and concerned by the effect this disparity between our lives is having on our relationship: you can imagine how, erm, uniting and connecting a "How was your day, dear?" conversation can be in our house! I feel sad, too, because I'm kind of sick of hearing about all the great stuff dp is doing, when I feel I want to be enthusing with him; he's achieving some amazing stuff.

Dp feels that to do less of what he loves would be martyrdom/compromise/selflessness - all things he doesn't believe in - and encourages me to do (a lot) more for me. But I don't think the answer lies in me having as much "me" time as dp has for him. I see it that we have a small, demanding child, at a very formative age, who needs his mum (and dad) around most of the time, and if dp's got so much spare time in the working day, why can't he come home and spend some of it with us, or take ds out for a bit and give me a break? I think some (and usually a considerable) element of compromise is par for the parenting course; dp doesn't seem to agree.

I wonder if I'm being a killjoy/ungrateful moaner/martyr, or reasonable to want/expect dp to comes down from the clouds a bit, show me some solidarity for caring for a fun but feisty, crap-sleeping toddler, and get stuck in alongside me; like we're a team ...

Grateful for others' perspectives. Thanks.

[violeteyes]

your name is just right-that is totally not fair and i should think is terribly damaging to your relationship.i agree that it is reasonable for your dp to have some fun time and time to self/friends-as should you as it seems time/money allow this. however,you are a team and more to the point he is a father now and shouldn't be thinking just of his self like this. my dp would love more time in week with ds, as feels he misses a lot being at work-this would be such a lovely time for you all if your dp would use his freedom this way.surely spending time with child and partner is also fun and shouldn'yt be described as a sacrifice ffs????very sad that adventures with son don't come under 'things that he loves' and spending time at home would make life'shitter'. sounds like he has some issues in the way he polarises his definitions of fun/work/family etc-and also needs to realise he can't delagate all of lifes difficult stuff at home just cos he can at work! relate sounds a great idea, might help him explore his feelings about/attitude to parenting-which by definition means being selfless and compromising..... although am once again only one up with baby while dh in spare room agin!

[TwigTwoolett]

He's a father and he needs to bloody well grow up

OK so he's done very well .. the 50% of his time when he isn't working he should be spending with his son

Or 25% of the time when he's not working he should be spending with his son and you could go out like he does

Does he have any role in his child's upbringing at all?

I think your DH is missing out on the most important time in his child's life .. and its a time he can never recapture

I think YOU should arrange some time to yourself and just say to him "right on xxxx I am going out for a massage / haircut / lunch / whatever, so please be home at x o clock thank you"

then continue to do that once a week

It sounds like he is being unfair .. but it also sounds like you are letting him be unfair .. Take Control lady ... you get the partner you allow to develop

[joelallie]

Err...when are you supposed to grab this me time DP is so keen for you to have? While he's off having flying lessons FFS???? And I think it's quite sad that he is so reluctant to spend time with your LO. What message does that send to the poor child? Also if he doesn't beleive in "martyrdom/compromise/selflessness " why the hell did he have a child? That's what parenthood is largely about. Sounds like he needs to do some growing up. You're right - it's not bloody fair!

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[throckenholt]

I would agree that if he is in the fortunate position of not having to work all the time then he should (and should want to) spend as much time as he can with his DS - he is only young once and once it it is gone it is never coming back.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to spend time with his DS ? Can he (or you) think of ways he could spend time with DS and do some of the "fun" things at the same time ?

[CountessDracula]

Could you not say to him

OK I want to take up lentil weaving on a weds pm and chicken sexing on a tues am pls can you be at home for those times

[Piffle]

I echo what Twig has said exactly.

[foundintranslation]

It sounds a bit like his not believing in compromise/selflessness have made him a very good entrepreneur - but potentially a bit of a crap father (sorry for bluntness).

Agree with Twig. He needs to grow up.

Quite apart from the unfairness for you (which I would not put up with either), it is a great unfairness to his child.

Yes, he has created it for himself - but that was only possible for him because YOU were and are in the background, looking after ds and the house, giving him the time and space and opportunity to build his business. It might be worth pointing that out to him.

[foxinsocks]

oh dear - I chuckled when I read your post because I recently emailed someone with a similar (but not the same!) complaint

and what they said to me rang so true - do you feel the way you feel now because the balance of control/power in your relationship has changed? i.e. when he was struggling to start his business and you were at home, then you were more equal because you both felt as though you were struggling (iyswim).

Now he is happy, you aren't and the balance has changed.

I think you need to sit down and think about what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Is it going back to do some sort of work? Is it learning a new language or having more time to yourself? You said something quite telling about dh having a good day because he is 'achieving' something.

One thing about staying at home with kids is that if you are the sort of person who is used to working and achieving, you do have an emptiness when your main achievement for the day is not having your toddler crap in his pants.

[foxinsocks]

I also do think that quite often men lose sight of the fact that a marriage/partnership is exactly that - a partnership - and when you have children, it's not all down to the mother to do all the parenting.

[LittleScarer]

Agree with all here!

If he only has to work half the time why is he not coming home to spend time with his family? Do stuff with both of you and let you take some time out on your own.

It sounds to me like he is living in a completely different and carefree world than you are and he needs a kick up the arse!

[CheesyFeetcomingtoGETyou]

He has the best of both worlds doesn't he?

He needs to realise that he has responsibilities at home.

Agree with others, tell him he needs to be home at x o'clock as you have an appointment. You need to stick up for yourself and give him a much needed kick up the arse.

[HappyDaddy]

It sounds like he's used to doing his own thing as he expects you to be at home. Agree with the suggestions that you do make some me time, make sure he knows that he's expected to be home.

Personally, any free time I have I race straight home to be with my family. But that's just me

[Bugsy2]

Other than your partner to put in more time at home, INF - what do you actually want? Are you happy being a SAHM? How do you see your family life progressing in an ideal world?