FIL and DD's shape

[MrsNeilGaiman]

My FIL has been a bit of a challenge to me over the years but this one is niggling right now. He is a very fit, young GF. This is relevant.

He's not interested in DD at all really. Doesn't want to Skype, has to be arm-twisted to visit, not really great when here. I don't really care. Late MIL was the DC loving GP and now she's gone, he isn't really bothered.

He is pretty obsessive generally and I believe probably has NPD. He has a different MH disgnosis. He has said some pretty damaging things to various people including his young GS (SIL's DS). His current thing is to go on about how pleased he is that DD (3 yo) is thin. She's a tall, tall girl and even though she eats like a gannet, because she is active and tall, she burns it all off. FIL and DH talk about it on the phone a lot. I know DH wants FIL to be interested and proud and his obsession with fitness and size means this is a way of connecting about DD. I hear FIL changing the subject whenever DD is brought up except for this subject.

I feel really uncomfortable about DD's weight/size/slimness being touted as a positive like this. Particularly as the only positive FIL will talk about. She's 3 and she works really hard on lots of stuff; manners; being kind; sharing. She tries hard and feels proud when she helps out, tidies up, is gentle and kind. Her size is just an irrelevancy. Not important, not something we need to address, not something that she has any input into (I choose her food, she chooses how much).

DH is REALLY sensitive about anything to do with FIL. Total FOG. He thinks I don't like FIL. I actually quite like him (he's funny and interesting) but really don't trust him. Do I leave it and make sure DD knows her size is immaterial to her worth, chalk it up to one of a million bad messages she will get about this in the next few years, talk to DH, talk to FIL?

NCed just in case. DH knows my NN.

I would completely limit all forms of contact as of now with FIL particularly if you feel he is narcissistic in terms of personality.

You may think he is both "funny" and "interesting" but that is simply not enough considering that he only now thinks of his grandchild in terms of the size she is. You've written yourself he has not been interested to date and has had to be strong armed to actually visit. Such people often undervalue or overvalue the relationship with the grandchild. His late wife probably acted as the buffer in that dysfunctional family of origin. Your DH is profoundly affected and still seeks his father's approval; approval that he will never receive from his dad. Its no point at all in talking to FIL because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong in the first place. You can try to talk to your DH though and explain to him that his own inaction re his dad is hurting his own family unit now. He certainly has to challenge his dad; problem is the fear he has of his dad is enough not to do so. Also he has had a lifetime of conditioning at the hands of his dad.

Your job amongst many is to protect your child from such malign influences. If your DH cannot or will not do it then you have to do so.

If he is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with then it is the same for your both vulnerable and defenceless child.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

You are correct; her size is irrelevant.

Such people make for being deplorably bad grandparents in any case and the way he's talking about your DD now could well develop into she developing an eating disorder in the long term. This type of stuff can lead to she also developing all sorts of emotional problems to do with self worth and self esteem; you have to stop it - and stop it now.

Natasha I don't doubt she will change shape many times over the years. My worry is that her GF's message is that this changes her worth

His late wife probably acted as the buffer in that dysfunctional family of origin. BINGO there Attila She's was a strong personality but always had her family at her heart. Loved us all just how we were. I miss her terribly. Our lives would be very different if she was still here.

There are some boundaries. I have said that FIL will never live in the same house as DD and I. I also said, after the incident with DNephew, that if I felt there was a significant risk of emotional harm, FIL was not going to have any contact with DD. Is this enough 'risk of harm'? I think it's going to be a drip drip of things like this. Never enough to tip me over the edge into NC, but enough to be a worry. FIL is quite wary of me and careful.

I think possibly a quiet word with DH about body messages generally will keep the phone calls quieter.

Thought your late MIL acted as a buffer in your H's dysfunctional family of origin.

Re your comment:-
"There are some boundaries. I have said that FIL will never live in the same house as DD and I. I also said, after the incident with DNephew, that if I felt there was a significant risk of emotional harm, FIL was not going to have any contact with DD. Is this enough 'risk of harm'? I think it's going to be a drip drip of things like this. Never enough to tip me over the edge into NC, but enough to be a worry. FIL is quite wary of me and careful".

A drip drip continues and he could well be doing the same when your DD is a lot older as well. I would say there is enough risk of long term harm here to your DD, yes. Infact there is another recent thread on here about weight and comments made by relatives, such behaviour is truly damaging to those on the receiving end. Again if he you think he is NPD narcissists certainly do make for being deplorably bad grandparents.

Maintain and be consistent when setting boundaries. He is being careful with you but he is certainly not showing the same level of caution with your DH.

Your child is your most precious resource. She needs to be protected from the likes of her grandfather who frankly only seems to see her in terms of size and weight due to his own obsession with same.

I will keep that at the front of my mind. DH has his issues with it but DD is my responsibility.

What did he say about your nephew?

He called him a failure. Pre-teen, couldn't be nicer, lovely to his little cousin, really, genuinely even if he was a PITA, which he is not awesome person. Didn't apologise. Wasn't made to.

If he doesn't want to Skype and has to be cajoled to visit I'd just stop doing both.

What does your husband think about your concerns?

It's not me doing the cajoling. Believe me.

DH filters. He knew about the DNephew thing but it was SIL and I talking about it more. He loves his DF and, I think, finds it hard to fit this stuff in his head. His father is, in many ways, great so it is hard for him.

Sounds as if FIL somehow prides himself on DD's genes, nature not nurture, the sad thing is DH now has a talking point guaranteed to win his DF's interest. He knows you aren't at ease with his DF and sorry OP I would be surprised if he takes this concern on board.