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Ramadan tensions

(23 Posts)
LittleMissRayofHope Thu 10-Jul-14 10:32:47

Hi,
My DH is Muslim so is currently practising Ramadan. I'm not so don't participate but I am also 30 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old.

Days are long for him and hot I get that. He can eat at 3.25am and then nothing again til 9.20 pm not even water. I am sympathetic in that it must be hard and exhausting etc. But the point of Ramadan is all about sacrifice and compassion etc. I'm not supposed to make allowances for it or change anything. It is supposed to hard work to teach man how lucky he is etc.

Anyway to my point. He is being very moody and miserable. He keeps reminding me how exhausted he is and picking stupid fights or making comments about how knackered he is yet he still has to come home and tidy up cos I'm not doing it! I am 30 weeks, have a 2 year old, I get woken when he gets up for his breakfast at 3.20 and then struggle to sleep again so I am shattered! I have heart burn, pee constantly, My hip and pelvic pain is horrific - some mornings I crawl about til my hip settles down. We haven't had sex in 2 weeks cos, even though he is 'allowed' he would have to shower before sunrise and basically he can't be bothered to - feeling very rejected here!

I'm running out of patience. I have not risen to his silly comments or bitten back at his remarks about how little I'm doing yet but I can feel myself starting to boil inside. I'm torn between just getting through the rest of the month or calling him out on it and creating a big row. I know it will be a row and not a discussion as I know him and when he is tired he is irrational and dramatic.
Not sure what I'm asking as I don't think saying something would be unreasonable. I'm tired aswell but I'm not moody and pissy with him.

WWYD? How would you handle it?

Ivehearditallnow Thu 10-Jul-14 10:36:28

Oh blimey sounds like a tough time for both of you.
How was it last time at Ramadan? When you had a small baby/were pregnant? Might be good to think back on how you both got through it this time.

Sounds like you both need to calmly explain how hard things are for you both at the moment and how you can best support each other... easier said than done though.

You're doing well to rise above it and not row... really hope things improve as soon as possible x

LastTango Thu 10-Jul-14 10:54:34

Do you always shower before sex or is that part of Ramadam too?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 10:59:48

It's hardly a spiritual/religious/compassionate/etc experience if its just giving him an excuse to be an antisocial bear with a sore head. That's what I'd be telling him. He's choosing to participate in Ramadan, it doesn't give him the right to be unpleasant at home and, if he can't hack it, best he takes himself away rather than bring down the whole household with his bullyboy crap. Bet he's not lashing out at workmates etc. I wouldn't tolerate it personally.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 11:02:43

Waking you up at 03.20 is ridiculous.... How about you take your DC and go stay elsewhere for the duration? Get some rest.

NutellaLawson Thu 10-Jul-14 11:03:43

Have you ever fasted a Ramadan? No?

I day cut him some slack. Really. It's bloody hard. Harder than being 30 weeks pregnant

If he becomes abusive just remind him gently that it's Ramadan and he must guard his tongue but seriously, he has it tough right now.

It's not true that he isn't allowed to have allowances made. In a Muslim country his employer would make allowances, his family would, all of society around him would. Please do so aksi.

littleducks Thu 10-Jul-14 11:11:14

Sounds tough.

I'm not sure about your point about not making any allowances though. I'm not suggesting you tolerate his behaviour but I wonder if there are any small changes you could make it easier for you all?

The fasts are long this year. We are probably a slightly different area as ours are just a little longer and it is tiring. We are giving that the short nights don't allow for much sleep more than we are missing the food.

Tactics we use are:
My husband books one day a week of from work to 'rest' at home with me and the baby while my older ones are at school.

I'm not cooking much. I teach an afternoon madressa/quran class on weekdays for the month so have lessons to plan etc. So we have bought food in or eaten iftar at mosque. In the mornings it is super simple food like toast, dates and lots to drink.

You would have to alter the timings to where you are but a friend of mine stays up eats sehri/suhoor at 1 am (we start fasting at 2.15ish) and then sleeps until 4 and pays far at the end of the allotted time. It wouldn't work for me but she says it allows her one full skep cycle.

ilovemonstersInc Thu 10-Jul-14 11:13:19

Do you know how hard it is to fast?

Im muslim. I haven't fasted for over 4 yrs as its too much. I know its about sacrifices but I do think he needs a bit of slack. Im up at 1.30am to cook for dh despite him telling me he will do it and im 33 weeks tomorrow and I have a 1 yr old and 4yr old.

Its very hard and the slightest thing does effext the overall mood as you can imagine they are starving and tired. Im not saying its your fault thought. They choose to fast so they should be able to control their feelings and thoughts.

As regards to sex. Its the same here. Think about it. Fasting starts at 2.30ish and finishes at 9.40 here. Thenits eat a bit, pray, finishing eatinf then pray again at 11. Dh finishes praying at 11.30pm and by that time im too tired and so is he. We still cuddle up and everything but if hes used all his energy fasting he might just want to rest.

I do think you should talk to him about how you feel. He might not realise.

Atm im in hospital and quite glad ive not had sex for a bit despite wanting it as it would have made my situation worse!

didnt want that post to sound bitchy. I do understand how you feel flowers

littleducks Thu 10-Jul-14 11:14:08

Does he wake you up at 3.20? If I'm not fasting my husband doesn't wake me up, he sorts himself out!

ilovemonstersInc Thu 10-Jul-14 11:15:59

Last tango you have to shower before fasting after sex.

Tbh you have to shower after sex no matter what

LittleMissRayofHope Thu 10-Jul-14 12:21:59

He doesn't wake me purposefully. But he sets an alarm, doesn't switch it off, turns on the lights and is generally noisy. Then same again when he comes back to bed.

He doesn't pray. As far being a Muslim goes he eats halal and fasts. That's all I've seen of his religion since we met.

Yes I've fasted. First year we lived together to gain an understanding of it. Since then I've been pregnant, breastfeeding and now pregnant again. But in many discussions, mostly with his friends, it has become apparent that he saw that first year as pointless and doesn't want me to fast 'for him' so I expect I shan't do it again until my children are older and choose to do so, then it will be for family so different.

I do 90% of the cooking, I do 90% of th shopping. He will pick up extras or missing things on his way home from work if needed and at weekends go to the butchers if e isn't working but otherwise I'm doing it all. To the point that as an English woman. I am cooking many algerian dishes and desserts. And for eid I will make baklava and makrout el lous and various others that we will take to family and friends etc. I am as involved as I can be.

By allowances of course I'm making allowances but I'm not supposed to do everything in the house 'because he is fasting' or let him sleep when he comes home from work and keep the children quiet 'cos he's fasting'... I don't mean I expect him to be functioning at his best and if he isn't I won't even give him some slack.... I'm not unreasonable!

Re the sex: he mentions it more then I do! I'm actually trying to stay away so as not to arouse him IYSWIM as I know he will complain about how tired he is and reject me and that will cause further tensions. I do understand that having to get up straight away to shower or set an alarm to shower etc and then go back to bed is tiring and ruins it. Usually we would have showered in the morning before work. But like I say, he mentions it more then me and it is getting to a point where I am feeling 'I am being understanding for you... What about me?' - is that really unreasonable of me? (Serious question as for the past 4 ramadans it was never an issue)

He has done the staying up very late to eat so he can sleep uninterrupted a few nights so has come to bed at 2.30 ish... With lots of noise, lights etc. Not room lights but the torch on his iphone which disturbs me.

I don't really have anywhere to go. I don't want to make things worse by suggesting he sleep on the sofa if he can't quieter down but it's heading that way as I'm just plain exhausted.
The vast majority of my knowledge is gleaned from DH so if any info (thinking allowances) is wrong that's where it comes from.

Youoryou Thu 10-Jul-14 23:15:12

Will you bring your children up to be Muslim?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 11-Jul-14 00:02:41

Hahaha being 30 weeks pregnant is a million times harder than fasting, at least it was for me. I'm sorry but if your DH is losing his temper and getting angry with you he is breaking his fast and his fast is not acceptable to Allah so it's a big old bloody waste of time.
He should sleep elsewhere if he can't get up without disturbing you and he needs to get a bloody grip of himself and stop wasting his time this ramadan.
Since I started fasting 3 years ago I have zero tolerance for my XH being pissy during ramadan, however I don't argue back I just point out that he is breaking his fast. If he moans about being tired I suggest to him that he gets up at 7 like I do rather than 10 or 11! Because now I can call him out on his self indulgent moans because I know what it's like and more important
Y I know the purpose of fasting. Believe me, if he uses it as a excuse to be rude and unpleasant to you he has missed the point spectacularly.

greeneggsandjam Fri 11-Jul-14 00:34:04

Hello Op

Firstly I would remind him that if he is fasting and not praying he might as well give up now and stop wasting his time as his fast will not be accepted without prayers.

With regards to everything else I suppose its a bit of give and take. It is a long day this year as it was last year and will be for the next few years. I wonder what his working hours are and what kind of job he does. They can all help to wear you out and make you tired and miserable.

He doesn't need to bang and crash around, that's just thoughtless. I assume if you are doing the cooking then all he has to do is get home and rest, why doesn't he have a bit of a sleep when he gets home?

I would imagine that his stress and miserable attitude is linked to he fact that his fast is simply about not eating and drinking and he is forgetting all the other important aspects of Ramadan. I get irritated when I walk into the room to find out that my children have covered it in cups, gadgets and general clutter when I'm fasting and I may bark an order at them to tidy up their mess. However I am working full time and so everything in the house (just me and the children) so I don't have much time spare. He has someone to do lots for him so he doesn't really have much of an excuse.

Unfortunately as I said earlier, because he isn't seeming to be making proper use of Ramadan he will continue to be like this indefinitely (or at least until Ramadan is in winter!)

Good luck to you.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 11-Jul-14 03:37:31

I was also going to mention that if your husband isn't praying as well as fasting then he may as well give up fasting right now.

I think you both need to let go of things for the next few weeks, drop your standards a bit re the house so you have to do less and tell your husband that once Eid is out of the way the house will need to be blitzed and he'll be doing the heavy work, then tell him he's to to sleep in another room and sort himself out in the middle of the night when its time to start another day of fasting.

I know for sure, that here in the Gulf, the majority of families do not sit down like the Waltons in the middle of the night as a family to eat. Some people will have eaten before they go to bed and then dont eat again until Iftar, whilst others just get up and stagger around a bit, half a sleep, and grab the nearest thing to hand - which is usually a tray of something thats been left out in the kitchen overnight.

But its all a mute point really, because he's not praying so his fast is null and void.

However there is the argument Ive heard time and time again - that fasting may just make the person rethink his lifestyle and get him praying again.

Does he drink at all? Is that why he doesn't pray? I only ask because he wouldn't be the only one who drinks, so doesn't pray, but still fasts.

There is just something about fasting that makes even the most lapsed of people still want to do it.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 11-Jul-14 04:40:31

I think both of you need to make concessions for each other. At the moment, it seems that he need to increase his tolerance levels more than you do, but that you both need to be more considerate to each other.

Marriage is about making allowances for each and making each other happy. Not about being selfish and just worrying about how tired you are and why your rest is more important than the other persons.

Having said that, I agree with what others have said about his fasting having little value should he continue this way. I suspect the main reason he is finding fasts so hard is because he is not experiencing any of the spirituality that it is a part of fasting. Ramadan is about increased prayers, deeper spirituality, practising restraint and self control and bonding with Allah by devoting yourself to extra worship. Without that, fasting is an empty vessel and is just about staying hungry. He needs to tap into that. Maybe you can encourage him to visit the mosque or attend some Islamic circles where this is encouraged? It will also get him away from the house and give you some respite.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 11-Jul-14 04:40:41

I think both of you need to make concessions for each other. At the moment, it seems that he need to increase his tolerance levels more than you do, but that you both need to be more considerate to each other.

Marriage is about making allowances for each and making each other happy. Not about being selfish and just worrying about how tired you are and why your rest is more important than the other persons.

Having said that, I agree with what others have said about his fasting having little value should he continue this way. I suspect the main reason he is finding fasts so hard is because he is not experiencing any of the spirituality that it is a part of fasting. Ramadan is about increased prayers, deeper spirituality, practising restraint and self control and bonding with Allah by devoting yourself to extra worship. Without that, fasting is an empty vessel and is just about staying hungry. He needs to tap into that. Maybe you can encourage him to visit the mosque or attend some Islamic circles where this is encouraged? It will also get him away from the house and give you some respite.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 11-Jul-14 04:43:29

YouorYou, what does that have to do with the OP's problem?

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 11-Jul-14 04:56:35

TDST, somehow I have a feeling YOY has been dying to be asked.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 11-Jul-14 05:01:02

Darn, I should have kept my mouth shut. grin

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 11-Jul-14 05:22:26

You rabble rouser you! grin

ShineSmile Fri 11-Jul-14 10:43:23

The whole point of fasting, apart from not eating, is to guard and control your tongue, emotions and acts. Harming someone, especially your wife in Ramadan, is a serious sin. Do remind him of that.

Also, have you ever fasted? It is really really tough, especially now that the days are so long and it's hot. But that's no excuse to behave badly.

LittleMissRayofHope Fri 11-Jul-14 11:21:28

I have questioned why he fasts when he never prays or attends mosque. He says he lost his religion a bit and he was going through a bad time in his life and breaking lots of rules and things so he didn't ever feel clean to be presented to Allah. He hopes to regain this and still seems to have faith that he will pray again. But yes, I have wondered a lot why he bothers to fast when he seems to have no spirituality. I fasted the first year we loved together before any children came along and yes it was very tough! It was 3 ramadans ago so more in august so I appreciate not as tough. I did it for solidarity/empathy reasons but he has said that is pointless me fasting so I shan't again unless our children do.

He is not aggressive or violent but the moodiness and using Ramadan as his excuse for his irritability. It is hard for both of us.

He works in a fairly easy job. He has started sleeping late and going in late, he then spends the vast majority of his day in cars as he delivers vehicles for a rental firm so it's nt labour intensive - although I do appreciate that driving is hard when ur tired, not to mention dangerous. He will nap if he can and he is trying to do as short days as possible. When he does come in from work he does often lay down but we have a 2year old who screams bloody murder for him to come play as she has waited all day for him to come home so he doesn't get to sleep much. But she just wants to build with him or read or do puzzles so it's not exactly running around. Again - I thought this would be an integral part of Ramadan, being exhausted and dead on your feet but still maintaining time for your children etc...

Ramadan does feel like it is something he has to 'survive' instead of enjoy.

We did speak a little last night as he was being grumpy again and I locked myself in the bathroom (I'm very hormonal and cry easily) and he suddenly twigged I was upset. So after he broke fast we did speak and he said he just hadn't noticed or realised so he said he will try at this etc and I have to try too at certain things so we shall see how it goes.

Thanks for all responses and advice ladies

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