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I think I am the only person in the entire world who does not want sex

(77 Posts)
SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 00:51:39

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why cant I just be like everyone else?

The whole world is shagging. Every fucking thing seems to revolve around sex and innuendos and I am like such sad fucking cold fish. A freak.

And now my marriage is fucked up. Why cant I just be normal?

Am sat here in floods of tears wondering where the fuck I go from here.

My options laid out to me this evening are:

1: Attempt a proper marriage with sex

2: We attempt a sexless marriage (done that and its failed - see options below)

3: We live as we are now as friends but DH continues to hook up with randoms he meets on the internet for sex discreetly

4: We seperate

He so say loves me but resents me for the lack of sex.

He has a point, I struggle to do it. I rarely get the urge.

There is a back story. Tonight I found another phone which apparently has his hook ups and sex chat on it. He would not let me see it but finally admitted to it. I discovered similar a few years ago and we tried to work through it but I cant face sex with him as I "know" where he has been and moreless what he has done - seen the details of anal etc in chat. Its the lack of sex thats driven him to do this.

Its all my fault because I am a shit wife. Why can I not be like everyone else in the world and be gagging for sex morning noon and night.

I know all this is my fault. I have been evil and selfish denying him sex and yet expecting him to love me and stay faithful. Although this is a shock I have suspected for a long while and yet I did nothing. I dont understand why I am so shocked and hurt tonight. I am being over dramatic when I dont deserve to be. I have brought this on us.

I fucking hate myself right now. I feel like dissapearring off the face of the earth to some cave where a freak like me can exist all on my own but despite my obvious sexual abnormality I am a mum to 2 beautiful girls who I adore and need me, so there is no escape.

Just sat here shaking, crying and like my head will burst. Sorry if I am waffling, I am not thinking straight.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 00:58:45

Um, it is not 'abnormal' to be too tired for sex when you have two young DC's.

What IS abnormal is your acceptance of your partner's cheating. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?!

You must have had sex at some point, to have DC's. You admit yourself that it is the knowledge of the facts of his PREVIOUS cheating that leaves you not wanting sex with him.

THAT'S HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS!

If he would rather go shagging around STILL than actually work on gaining your forgiveness for his previous cheating, then it shows a stunning lack of respect for your feelings.

What he is doing is trying to use the fact that you "aren't having enough sex with him" to try to justify his cheating, to 'excuse' it in his mind.

BUT IT'S NO EXCUSE.

He ISN'T going to stop cheating on you. Can you cope with that? I wouldn't, and couldn't, when I was in that situation.

You are worth more than that. Nobody will blame you for ending a relationship when HE is cheating, and has obviously been doing so for quite some time. HE is to blame.

NatashaBee Mon 13-Jan-14 00:59:55

Your partner sounds like a twat. I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:01:45

You are NOT 'evil and selfish' for 'denying' him sex - it's hardly denying him when he's getting it elsewhere, is it?!

HE is 'evil and selfish' for caring more about dipping his wick here there and everywhere irrespective if the effect on your feelings and emotions, AND the effects that it will have on your DC's.

What would you advise if one of your DD's partners were acting in this way towards them?

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:02:13

My feelings exactly, Natashabee.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 01:04:10

You are not abnormal at all and he is an utter cunt.

I am so sad for you that he's made you feel the way he has.

He sounds like he feels entitled to abuse women for his own pleasure and even before you discovered his massive infidelity this is not attractive in a sexual partner. I'm not surprised at all that he has killed your sex drive and he is beyond wrong in saying you drove him to behave so terribly. sad

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:08:57

And I'll bet HE was the twat telling you that you are being 'overdramatic' too.

It wouldn't even be 'overdramatic' in this situation to bag up the cheating scumbag's stuff and throw it out of the front door, along with him.

If anything, you are being UNDER dramatic!

You gave him a chance and he's shit on that chance from a great height. He is not going to change. And he thinks that you are going to continue to let him have his cushy home life where everything is done for him whilst he continues to shag anyone he feels like. He doesn't think you will kick him out. He's so sure of this that he is riding roughshod over your feelings safe (in his mind) in the knowledge that he can carry on doing what he wants.

Is he this much of a cunt in the rest of your relationship? How much help does he give you with the DC's? How much time away from the DC's does he give you, to go out with your friends?

And, I hate to say this, but if you HAVE had unprotected sex with him at all, since the FIRST time you found evidence of him cheating, you will need to go for an STI test.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:11:59

And it isn't the 'lack of sex' that has driven him to it. It's the fact that he's a cheating bastard that has driven him to it. HIS failing, NOT yours.

BOFtastic Mon 13-Jan-14 01:12:05

You are not sad or freakish, my love. You are in a relationship with a dickhead, tis all.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:16:30

And didn't your wedding vows include the words "foresaking all others". That means, in layman's terms, that your husband might understand "not shagging other people".

That is why you expected him to be faithful - you made wedding vows!

It's not your fault AT ALL.

A loving, caring husband would not cheat.

A husband that HAS cheated but still loved and cared for their wife would do his very best to be the model husband, and certainly wouldn't continue to cheat.

A husband that continues to cheat despite knowing how much it is affecting his wife is just a cunt...

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:17:00

BOF, you say it so well! wink

LineRunner Mon 13-Jan-14 01:42:27

OP, I think that you need to pick option (4) Separate.

And this is not your fault. Find some happiness without this millstone man round your neck.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 01:44:27

Why can I not be like everyone else in the world and be gagging for sex morning noon and night.

Firstly, not everyone else in the world is gagging for sex. That its a myth you have been fed because it suits society to have us think we are weird if we don't like sex. SO much is put into sex, like it is the cure all for everything. Sometimes it is just messy & unnecessary. smile

has his hook up REALLY come from lack of sex, or has YOUR lost libido come form his recurrent hook ups & cheating?

Also, lack of sex at home IS not an excuse to get it elsewhere, nor does it make YOU a crap wife.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 01:45:00

have his hook ups

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 01:47:29

freak
evil
selfish
abnormal
shit wife

Who has told you this so much that you believe it to be true? sad

sydlexic Mon 13-Jan-14 01:49:16

When you find a decent man you will find your libido miraculously returns.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 02:21:59

My kids are not young anymore. Teens.

Its been a seriously long time with only a random duty shag inbetween.

Its a circle of fuck up really.

When DD2 was 2 or 3 (DD1 would have been 4 or 5) we were not having hardly any sex at all. Once a month at a guess but I cannot recall.

It was at this time he started to cheat the first time. It took me 5 years to find out and realise. All that time we were hardly shagging.

Looking back now I can see he was obvs getting it elsewhere so kind of checking out of the relationship. I felt tired, fed up with the young kids and a bit put upon but also relieved the pressure for sex was not such a constant anymore. DD2 was a reflux baby and cried and cried for ever. I think she was 3 before I felt awake enough to really fall totally in love with her and actually start enjoying her as a little person if that makes sense (I always loved her but was just dead on my feet). Before that she was just hard work - not her fault nor an excuse but I was so sleep deprived.

Anyway - it took me 5 years to find out what he was upto. That was a total shock. I found his phone lying about and it just hit me in a flash that he NEVER EVER left his phone anywhere normally. I immeadiately thought something (not sure what) and found myself snooping through it and there were over 50 women on his phone. We seperated for a little while then got back together. I struggled sex wise tbh. I did enjoy it but knew/felt like the boring little wife not some wannabe porn star ripping open my arsehole open over the back of a seat in our car in some layby for seedy dirty exciting sex. The sex chat I had read and the women I spoke to who described what they did have just never left me. I not only feel I cant compare sexually but also actually a bit icky about where he has been.

I forgot to add that I did send him to the GUM clinic before we reconciled and he got a clean bill of health by some miracle.

I tried but couldnt be a performing monkey. Our sex life slipped and then I began to suspect -I was always looking for signs he was upto no good and there were pointers but never ever anything to actually confirm I was not just a paranoid jealous nutter.

Then it gets worse. I think I got to a point where I suspected so much but could not/did not want to acknowledge it. I was still looking for signs and seeing the odd thing that made me think perhaps something was wrong/going on but it could always be explained away (I rarely confronted him tbh) I would explain it away myself. WTF??? Why?? I think I didnt want to face upto it but at the same time I stopped having sex with him because I was scared of where he may have been. Scared of getting an STI. So the circle of madness continued. He got less sex at home so went elsewhere.

Why I didnt actually realise if he was no longer pressurising me for sex then her must be getting it elsewhere I dont know. The wierd thing is that once again, my subconcious realised this but I never acknowledged it.

So see - it is my fault. I am hurt all over again because I have brought this on myself.

I need to act but an terrified. No job. No income. Financially reliant on DH. I have a selection day this week for a job and hope it will lead to an interview (planned before all this). I am trying to get back out into the real world.

My DD is year 10 and having issues at school. She isnt in a good place I think us seperating may tip her over the edge.

If we split where will I go (tied housing with HIS job), what will I do and what will I tell everyone. I am so ashamed and embarrassed I am such a cold fish I drove him to shag randoms off the internet. If I tell anyone in RL the truth of what he has done then I can expect everyine to know I am a sad frigid cow.

I still love him too. OMG I am so pathetic.

Sorry for being so woe is me. I am a mess tonight. I am normally quite together but I am overflowing with shit/emotion tonight.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 02:28:04

The only positive I can think of tonight is that I now know I wasnt going mad or insane or being paranoid. All the tell tale signs I kept thinking I was seeing have been real. I almost feel relieved that for the past 18 months I have not been imagining stuff.

I also think he may have gone for a quickie yesterday afternoon when at 3pm he announced an impromptu shopping trip just after I had settle down to do something with DD2. I was cooking a roast and said I would dish up at 7. I dished up at 6.15 as the chicken was cooked and text him I was dishing up but he still strolled in at 7.15 with no shopping and even admitting he "forgot" his wallet!

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:39:21

What a git.

Look, I can understand about your eldest, 14/15 is a crap age, but if you leave it and then split up next year, it would be worse. Better off this year than next, really.

And you can't keep putting yourself last. Yes, I understand you want to keep stress to a minimum, but you can't say that it's not stressful with him keep pissing off to shag randoms.

Good luck for the job interview - it will give you something to focus on, but it is still possible to leave even without that. He will have to pay maintenance, plus there is benefits while you get back on your feet, if you chose to leave. Don't let that put you off!

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:40:27

And how did you bring this on yourself? I don't think you were the one fucking other people, were you?!

He made you think that way because it suited HIM.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:43:03

Why are YOU embarrassed? HE was the one shagging around and breaking his wedding vows, not you.

HE is the one that should be embarrassed. And all you have to tell people is the truth - he was caught cheating, I gave him another chance, but he continued to cheat with me with people from sleazy chat sites.

When people know the truth, they will think HE'S the grotty one, not you!

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:44:32

No, people WON'T think that you are a 'sad frigid cow', they will think HE is some grotty sleazebag. Because he is.

TheVictorian Mon 13-Jan-14 03:02:57

one point of view is that you could have an open relationship where you both stay together and your dp takes care of his urges and keeps the details to himself so he does not hurt you. (im not advocating that you do this im just offering it as a point of view to consider)

twolittlebundles Mon 13-Jan-14 03:06:26

OP, he is the one with the issue, not you. 100% of the posters on this thread are telling you that. We're telling you the truth.

He is the only one trying to pin his behaviour on you. He's behaved like an arse, and actually, if all of this is going on, so very obviously in your house, your DD might actually feel a little better if it was out in the open, rather than simmering away underneath everything. It's much easier to handle the truth when it is out in the open, rather than ignored.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 07:01:32

Please stop calling yourself such horrid names & being cruel to yourself.

NONE of this is your fault! He cheated, put him, you & your family in danger of disease!

He popped out for what you assume is a quicky, while you cooked him a meal & looked after the children.

Don't do this to yourself, op! You deserve better.

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