Family Problems - Part 2

[PermanentlyDieting]

Hello, This story is very specific, so if you know me, please don’t out me – I’m desperate.
I am married with two boys. Marriage fine, kids fine.
Problem 2 – My Mum – where do I start – My Dad died several years ago (three months before my Sister-in-law in problem 1). She is fine financially and although she lives in a large house, she can manage housework etc..
I live about 2 miles from my Mum and have two sisters (married with children) – both within 2 minutes of her house. Myself, my husband, both my sisters and their husbands all work full time. All kids are junior school age and above. We have 2 kids each ( 6 grandchildren altogether)
She is quite lonely and we take her out every weekend. We use her for occasional babysitting.
My sisters use her all the time for babysitting – but never take her out / invite her for dinner. They just see her when she babysits for them.
I am currently redecorating my mum’s house (on my own without help from either of my sisters or their family). As the schools are on strike on Thursday, we are taking the kids to London for the day. We invited my Mum to come along. She has a problem with her leg at the moment so declined. So my eldest son DS1 asked if he could stay behind with her and they could go to the cinema. This was all arranged between them. The next morning my Mum rang me crying. My brother in law had phoned and asked her to have his 2 children as their school was on strike. She agreed and was phoning to tell me she could no longer take DS1 out as she was now babysitting. This is the second time this year she has done this.
I feel very hurt for him and let down by her. I was too gobsmacked to say anything at the time and just ended the conversation. I am now kicking myself because I really want to know why she thinks it is acceptable to phone and cancel my DS1 but she wouldn’t even think of telling my brother in law she has double booked and he would have to make other arrangements.
This coupled with problem 1 is driving me mad! Thanks in advance.

[PermanentlyDieting]

This message is linked to:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1881321-Family-Problems-Part-1?msgid=42245748#42245748

[PopiusTartius]

" I am now kicking myself because I really want to know why she thinks it is acceptable to phone and cancel my DS1 but she wouldn’t even think of telling my brother in law she has double booked and he would have to make other arrangements."

Well..... this. This is exactly the conversation you need to have with her. I think it's good that you didn't do it at the time, you would have been emotional and so would she. Go round there, and calmly over a cuppa explain that your DS was hurt, and TALK to her about how to do things differently next time. It does sound like on this occasion she was in a tough spot; esp if they had to work and your son would still have had a day trip out of it - but as this is part of a bigger dynamic, you need to talk it through with her.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It was very kind of DS to offer to stay back with his grandmother but BIL's call for help probably threw her and she felt the need to respond helpfully. She may have felt unable to say no because she usually arranges things through your sister. Or she thought that him ringing her meant that Thursday posed a real crisis. It is unfair that some kind of Top Trumps of helping out meant DS being disappointed. The fact your mum rang in tears suggests she did know she was letting him down. It seems a shame she can't take all three to the cinema if they are roughly the same age.


As I see it, your quarrel for want of a better word is really with your sisters. Sometimes we make a rod for our own back. They seem happy to leave you to do a lot of running around. I would cut back on what you do, you can still be in regular touch with your mother. In the meantime when you next see her and you are face to face tell her DS was disappointed and underline it was not for your own convenience that he was staying behind with her.

[PermanentlyDieting]

Yes, I know I should have the conversation, but am afraid it will just go horribly wrong.
She is used to dealing with BIL as he is in charge of the children as my sister’s job is deemed 'too important'. He is very manipulative.
DS was staying behind because he doesn't like London, he usually has panic attacks. I had told him he couldn't go to his Nan's as she has a weekly date with a friend on a Thursday. But when my mum said her friend had switched days due to a family birthday, he jumped at the chance to spend time with her. It's just the fact that myself and one of my sisters always manage to organise our work for childcare commitments and BIL never bothers - probably because he knows my Mum won't say no to him!
I am probably being selfish, but am just annoyed as she has done this before.

[Albert27]

Totally agree with Donkey. This is an issue to discuss with your siblings.

You are not being selfish!! I feel your anger//annoyance is not with your mum. Tell your sisters.

If it helps with your worry about it going horribly wrong is to write it down to get it clear in your head.

I think you fear it will go wrong because you are shouldering most of the responsibility and don't want to upset the apple cart so to speak. But you can't keep protecting others from their responsibility.

[PermanentlyDieting]

Thank you Albert27. I am afraid of upsetting the apple cart. My older sister is blissfully unaware of anything that is happening around her. Her husband manages the house and childcare. She has no idea that he drops their kids off almost daily so he can do shopping / tidy the house / prepare dinner, so that she won't be cross with him when she gets home from work. We have tried telling her what he does, but she just doesn't seem to care. At the minute I just want to scream.

[PermanentlyDieting]

To be fair I think DSis is unaware and BIL doesn't care.

Yes, the fact DM is letting DS down (for the second time - in exactly the same circumstances) is what is upsetting me the most.

I have said to DS1 that we don't have to go to London on Thursday - he can pick anywhere to go - DS2 and DN won't mind as long as they get a day out. He is adamant that he will stay with his Nan to 'help her out' as it is hard looking after children. (He's 13). I worry, because I don't want DS to feel responsible for DM like I do - I don't talk about it around him - I think it's just the way we're made - DS is very similar to me emotionally.

I feel that I'm the only one holding all the families together at the moment and if I did put myself first that everything would come crashing down around me and I can't bear the thought of that happening.
Last time we took ourselves off for the weekend, DM spent the whole weekend alone - despite both my DSis living less than 1/4 mile away from her. Their excuse - they were 'busy'.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It is good to be caring but not when it means perpetually appeasing or picking up the reins where others leave off. I know it is hard after a lifetime to be firm or appear "selfish". If we let others trample over us it starts to become a habit - they take it for granted, we become martyrs. DS will inherit your good qualities but he shouldn't get into the mindset of thinking it's up to him alone to 'do the right thing'.

I am so sorry for clumsy phrasing upthread btw, I asked for my post to be deleted so i could edit it.

[PermanentlyDieting]

Donkeys - don't worry - it's a long time ago now. My DH uses that phrase all the time!
I'm really appreciating the advice.
Going to have a chat with DS1 tonight to see is there is somewhere HE
really wants to go.
We're comfortable financially, so it's not like he's restricted on where to choose.