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Help Me overcome Hatred

(57 Posts)
buthow Wed 03-Jul-13 15:02:29

Hello Everyone

im sorry if this is long and please no offence

Ever since I was left by my BD I hate men so much I feel they are all the same. Every time someone stops me or asks for my number I feel disgust. My friend and I had a terrible argument the other time when I was telling her not to trust her bf because they are all the same. i was pissed at the fact that she saw what happened to me but continued to have unprotected sex with her bf i thought somehow she would learn from my mistake. i know it was wrong and I know there are some good guys out there but I feel most of the population of men are selfish and evil. they leave women suffering with kids abandon pregnancies and move on with no guilt just deny and walk away. the few good men out there are clouded by the bad men . if there is someone married trace their life its eighther he is cheating or abusive. truly I have hatred in me I hate the man who made me have an abortion once and now I hate the man who got me pregnant and left I wish I could only hate these two men but its growing to all the men I see users liars cheaters. I have to change I know but right now I feel forgiveness is so far from me

How do I cope?How do I stop hating every other men and jus focus on hating the bustard who left me. no offence to men please and all the ladies who are happy with good men out there I jus wish I could change the way I look at men but if they are not benefiting something they will be cruel. There is one time some gal was stranded with transport and got a lift from a man way older than her easy enough to trust but when he picked her he wanted her to pay for the ride through sex. I mean really couldn't he just help her with transport and not ask for sex. I feel like there is no men who can help a woman out of the kindness of his heart if he is doing something somehow its benefitting him. am I damaged

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Jul-13 15:48:00

At least you realise how you're feeling is irrational/excessive, if understandable. That's half the battle, I'd suggest. It's true there are an awful lot of horrible people in the world and it's equally true that you have to keep your eyes open for these horrible people but they are a) not exclusively male and b) not the entire population.

So you're not damaged, don't worry, you're just experiencing 'once bitten, twice shy' defensiveness and you're super-sensitive to even a hint of male twattery. I don't know how long it's been since your last bad experience but, given that hatred is such an exhausting state to be in, I think it'll fade as time goes by. What you'll be left with is a healthy cynicism and very strict boundaries... not a bad thing

My suggestion is keep an open mind best you can. Kind, decent men do exist, but if you put up too many barriers, the only ones that will dare approach you (and I mean as friends and acquaintances, rather than prospective boyfriends) will be the arrogant bullshitters who see you as a challenge. Quiet, 'nice' men might be too intimidated and back off.

buthow Thu 04-Jul-13 07:02:34

CogitoErgoSometimes thankyou needed to hear that

You say you want to just focus on the bastard who left you. Try not to; hate is destructive, time-consuming and frankly, boring. The best way to get him back is to lead a happy and fulfilling life. Concentrate on that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 10:24:32

You mean 'get back at him'... not 'get him back' ?

buthow Thu 04-Jul-13 12:50:43

That should mean "get back at him" I really don't want him back. I just feeling much better hating him seeing him in pain the way I am feeling now. OMG tht sounds bad but it feels so good to me to say that he needs to be in pain

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 13:05:24

They rarely do experience the same pain, though, do they? That's the futility of hate. It's maddening... you want them to suffer in some horrible way and for cosmic 'karma' to find them out, but they seem to walk off without a backward glance and go on to lead a charmed life. I can't tell you how cheated I felt discovering that my exH wasn't on the casualty list of the next big accident after he left me smile I used to have stressy dreams where I'd be hitting him... left, right, left, right.. and he would stand there taking the punches and looking not in the least bit ruffled.

Yes, I didn't mean get him back!!! shock sorry.

Onetwo34 Fri 05-Jul-13 09:11:01

You could always turn to the other side? I know two women who did, one after domestic violence, one after just general fuckwittery.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Fri 05-Jul-13 09:20:54

Some of the recent media stories have filled me with disgust ..Rapes and disrespect of women in India and the UK grooming stories of children. But as Cogito says the majority of people are good and also hate will ruin your life if you push everyone away.
There are good people just you have been let down.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 09:32:10

'turn to the other side'.... you mean suddenly choose to be gay? hmm

buthow Fri 05-Jul-13 20:22:20

Onetwo34 other side? Which is the other side is CogitoErgoSometimes correct you mean gay? Lol too bad I have been meeting very wrong dudes but I'm straight, so the other side I will probably turn to is being a nun,

taintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin you see how women are treated by men you see, eish its so sad and so painful. And somehow truly hating them makes me feel better.

Oooops I almost hired some street kids to attack the stupid Sperm Donor and cut his balls so he won't be able to have anymore babies and that pain will be worth it. The thought satisfies ma heart I somehow smile when I think of him in tht kind of pain. I truly hope I will heal before I actually do something stupid to hurt him

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 07:47:57

It's kind of fun to fantasise about inflicting terrible pain on the person that has insulted you... but waste too long wallowing in thoughts of revenge and a perfectly good life can just slip through your fingers, all kinds of opportunities wasted.

pinkdelight Sat 06-Jul-13 08:09:34

It's good that you can step back enough to see how this is affecting you and see that it's the result of what's happened to you and the hurt you're feeling rather than a universal truth. Did you get any help to deal with your abortion? It sounds like you've still got a lot of pain to deal with there. Can you get some help now, to go through your feelings and ease the pain? I'm no counsellor, but it seems like you're giving men too much power in how you feel about yourself / the world. At some point you have to accept what has happened rather than stay consumed with the blaming and hate. That may seem like a long way off from how you're feeling right now but really you are incredibly strong and it's in your power - you already recognise that it's what needs to happen and that's massive. Maybe the answer lies in flipping it - turn all that energy wasted in hating men around and invest it in l

pinkdelight Sat 06-Jul-13 08:12:56

Sorry -

Invest it in loving yourself? You can't change men but you can change yourself. And then how you perceive everything, including men, will change.

Hope that makes some sense and doesn't sound too zen. It's really just a first step. Hopefully someone else will know some books that might help.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 08:57:58

It shows how deeply you have been hurt.

I hated my exH. It got me off to sleep at night thinking of various tortures I could inflict on him (not for the faint-hearted, gruesome).

Hatred can also be about powerlessness, really. Have you had any counselling about this? It might be an idea. If you take this hatred around with you for too long it will blot out your whole life. However, I'm a great believer that intense hatred is ok, appropriate, for a period of time - and imo you know when it's right to start finding ways to let it go. Because if you permanently hate, you are the loser.

buthow Sat 06-Jul-13 09:15:33

I haven't had counselling but really I know tht I might destroy myself in the process of hating someone jus tht it feels good. Any way its a good thing i don't see him often otherwise if I did I might have done something harmful to him already and that might result in me gng to prison or something.

Gosh I hate him so much I want him dead sometimes but you guys are making me realise truly that hatred will indeed destroy me and I'm so afraid that I will inflict this hatred I have for him on my child and he too will grow up hating his dad. I wonder how I fell for such a cruel man. (And every sunday he goes to church). He is wolf in a sheep skin

You guys have helped me at least not hate all men they are not all to blame for what this guy did to me but for now I will continue hating him. This is satanic hatred I have I'm now going to church and I will get help from a church councellor coz I know hatred is not Godly. I need to heal

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:25:24

The ex I fantasised about torturing was also a church goer. A more saintly man you couldn't wish to meet <boak> . That adds insult to injury. I wanted God to strike him down.

I am a believer and I'm delighted you're going to church to get healing - best place imo. Or going to God, that is. imo intense hatred can be a quest for justice. I think it's very important to be honest with God and not get guilty or sugar sweet about it. Its not as if God doesn't know exactly how you feel. Read the psalms about feelings of intense hatred - there's a lot in there you'll recognise! All part of being human imo. As long as it doesn't go on for too long iyswim - for your sake, that is.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:29:01

I know what you mean about 'satanic' hatred! I could have powered a space rocket with the hatred I felt for my ex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 09:32:41

Don't let them tell you hatred is ungodly... hmm As I recall the Old Testament is full of plenty of vengeful acts committed by the man upstairs. Floods, famines, pillars of salt and all the rest. He mellows a bit in Part II, I'll grant you...

It's also not 'satanic' because there's no such thing as satan, of course. What it is, however, is an unnecessary diversion. Like a lot of obsessions, the more time you waste dreaming up terrible punishment, the less time you have for taking up opportunities, living well and having fun.

If this hideous ex goes to church regularly then - like a lot of people that pray on their knees at the same time as preying on others - he's just a big fat hypocrite. If his god doesn't scare him into behaving decently, what chance would you have?

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:39:49

<cough> - matter of opinion, cogito.

It's not for us to debunk someone's religious beliefs I don't think. There's a rhyme and reason for them and that's between them and God (and the church, too).

You might try posting in religion, buthow.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 09:42:10

Debunking nothing. But if the OP is going around thinking that how she's feeling is 'satanic' then I don't think that's particularly healthy from a mental standpoint.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:45:48

Then you know nothing about the philosophy behind such beliefs. As you know nothing, please don't make pronouncements you know nothing about. Contemporary mental health care is not the final authority, just one set of beliefs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 09:50:12

I know enough about this to understand that once people in need of mental healthy assistance are thinking they are possessed by devils they are open to all kinds of abuse and exploitation by those claiming to be godly. FWIW I will 'pronounce' whatever I like, thank you very much

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 10:04:23

You can say what is your opinion but not make pronouncements, no.

There is a big step between 'thinking they are possessed by devils' to 'being open to all kinds of abuse and exploitation' (also to 'by those claiming to be godly'). You don't believe, fine. Others do, for good reason. If you know those reasons - have studied those reasons thoroughly and understand thoroughly why those beliefs are in place - then do make 'pronouncements'. But otherwise, please understand that your beliefs are from a particular set of beliefs that are ignorant of another set of beliefs. There are horror stories from both sides.

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