Hi, this is very long. To cut a long story short, my mum and I had the mother of all breakdown in relationships a year ago and I am finding it very hard to know how to continue... I have two dc - a dd aged 10 and a ds 10 months - and its very complicated but I don't know whether I should literally be cutting my mum out of my life or what. I have no idea anymore.
Background -
My mum used to have mental health problems when I was little. Between the ages of 4-9 my mum was in and out of mental hospital (and this was on the early 1980's when they were pretty much still in the white coats and straightjacket era so quite scary). I know it wasn't my mums fault as she was ill but I feel very sad that I have such horrible memories of my childhood - my mum screaming, trying to stab my dad with a fork, them arguing when she wanted to walk down the road in her pjs and generally her not being engaged with me at all as a young child (although she would argue she was). She would have days of literally sitting on the sofa or lying in bed staring into space and I have memories of me being 4/5/6 and bringing her drinks and trying to entertain myself constantly because she wouldn't even talk to me. When she went into hospital (mainly over Christmas so I have no happy Christmas memories either) I was looked after by my dad who basically didn't give a shit, not necessarily abusive as such but just a typical 1980's business man who wasn't interested in children at all.
I am an only child.
My mum slowly got better to the point she was able to come off medication and she has been off medication since (some 25 odd years now). Mum and dad divorced when I was 12 and my mum has had some terrible crappy relationships since which has left to her utter bitter hatred of men in general and she isn't shy about hiding it.
Recent years - (spanning since I was 12ish to now, early 30's)
My mum and I continued to live together and because she was physically ill (not related to mental health) she was unable to work. I therefore felt responsible for her in so many ways and picked up the baton as it were. We moved house and I got a very very well paid job and essentially paid all the bills etc. Mum became well physically and was very stable mentally.
I met dd's dad and had dd. That relationship for one reason and another (not related to my mum) broke down and I went back to work and mum looked after dd for me.
I met my ex husband and we married and continued living with my mum. I had a very close good relationship with my mum. We would go on holiday together with dd (my ex husband wasn't interested in doing much) and on days out etc. I now realise looking back that the relationship with my husband wasn't much of a relationship (financially he wouldn't share anything, didn't want to do anything, was generally distant).
After 7 years together (4 years ago) my now ex husband decided he didn't love me (at the time we were going through IVF) and he upped and moved out in the space of 3 weeks. He has not been in contact since (with regards to dd being essentially brought up by him).
My mum was more devastated than me when this happened because it tipped everything on it's head.
At the same time as this happening I was made redundant. (Doesn't it always happen at once!) I did my very best to find another similar role but despite managing to have 4 second interviews I didn't get any of the positions. So I ended up on income support, a single mum, trying to run my large house (which another silly point, I always felt annoyed as people would assume I lived with my mum and actually mum lived with me!) and mum being annoyed because I wasn't able to pay everything anymore.
So... (stay with me)... mum resentfully went back to work (very very resentfully) and I found a job paying minimum wage and we paid the bills and juggled childcare between us. During this time my mum was really angry towards me as if it was my fault ex dh left and she would generally sink into a deep angry depression "all men are shits" blah blah and started to drink heavily. I felt she couldn't look after dd anymore so in desperation and unable to sort out alternative arrangements I packed in my job and went back on income support.
Eventually of course we couldn't afford to keep the house so we sold and moved to a smaller one. (Again, my mum was absolutely raging about this, she has a very strong sense that she is middle class - she is not - and is quite entitled).
About 6 months after moving into the new house I met the man who is now my dh. She took an instant dislike to him - he is a man after all- and made life hell. Literally treating me like a teenager and trying to control when I saw him and what time I got back.. Ridiculous. (Bearing in mind dd was often away with her dad who she still has contact with, so it wasn't about dd).
I got a job and started paying all the bills again, this time around school hours so again my mum wasn't involved in childcare.
She had some sort of mini breakdown where I guess everything just got on top of her. Her drinking became totally out of control (often shouting at me to piss off and fuck off and she would go up to bed and shout "you fucking bastard" aimed at my dh if he was visiting in our separate living room - so not invading her space at all...and it all accumulated in one evening where she got absolutely off her trolley (dd was at her dads so has no knowledge of this) and shouted and swore etc and then went out walking the streets in her pj's at 3am.
Dh and I went to go and find her. I found her and ordered her in the car. I was so angry I was literally screaming my head off like someone from Jeremy Kyle and believe me I'm not like that at all. She sat there laughing at me.
When we got home she said that I didn't care about her and I had ruined her life and "after everything she'd done for me" this is how I repay her (basically getting involved in another relationship).
That's when it all hit the fan and we had a horrendous out pouring of everything we were angry about.
I ended up saying I didn't want to live with her anymore and she literally said she was going to kill herself, didn't want to be alone, die alone etc etc. It was awful. I felt awful but I couldn't live with her or put dd through living with her.
So dh and I remortgaged the house (it didn't have a mortgage) to buy my mum a house 10 minutes away. All she has to do is work and pay her bills and her food.
For a while we could hardly talk to each other at all but I had ds and slowly mum has begun trying to become involved again and I just don't know what to do really. It's all very civil (she comes over maybe once a week) but I still feel really, really angry with her and she has never apologised for how she's behaved towards me, or dh (who completely hates her) and she thinks I'm wrong for not apologising to her - when I really don't know what I've done wrong!
I also feel like she is only interested in having a relationship with dd and not really with ds because 1. he is a boy and 2. he is my dh's, who she perceives as taking me and dd away from her.
She is still as selfish as ever and never makes any effort for me. This week for example I have been extremely ill (I too have health problems) and despite knowing this she has made no effort whatsoever to ask if she can do anything to help or if I need anything. I don't expect her to do these things but after how I supported her for so long with so many things I don't think it's too much to ask.
She also forgot my birthday. And for Christmas I gave her a copy of Brave (about a mum and daughter trying to rebuild their relationship hint hint) amongst other things (she is clever so would get the hint).... she gave dd lots of nice bits and pieces and she gave me two pots of used nail polish. I know it's petty and stupid but I feel really hurt.
I am just so angry and hurt about the whole thing. I have no support from anywhere else. No other family. My dad I never see, I have no brothers or sisters, no aunts etc. Just my mum.
So would you try and rebuild the relationship or would you say enough is enough and cut her off as much as possible? I'm not sure it's good for the kids either as she's only interested in dd. Dd is away at her dads this week and I haven't seen my mum for dust despite ds and I being here.
At the same time I feel so hurt inside. I feel completely lost.
Fuck me I'm so sorry that is so long. I don't expect anyone to have read it all. Maybe I just needed to get it all out.
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Should I just stop expecting anything of my mum and carry on as I am or would you be more drastic? Feeling very hurt and need some support and advice. Long sorry.
9 replies
Fairylea · 31/03/2013 18:59
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