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wwyd - man with a past

(88 Posts)

I've been 'getting to know' a guy, I met about w month ago.
From the get go I was instantly attracted to him. He was nice, we get on really well & have a great time.

We agreed to go on a date, although haven't actually been yet (both been busy) we have seen each other nearly every day since we met.

However, village life being village life word got around I was spending time with him. My ex pulled one of my friends aside and told them it would all end in tears...

Que this new guy telling me he has a bit of a 'past' long story short, there was an incident with an ex 3 years ago, where the police were involved. She hit him, he hit her back.

Talking to my ex... this guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved.

My friends that know this guy, have said its in the past & not toworry about it. My friends that don't know him say to steer well clear.

I really do genuinly like this guy.... but having been violent on this occasion in the past.... should I just steer clear completly, I've never experienced this kind of thing before so I'm not sure what to do?

Can men change? He seemed to genuinly regret what happened... but who knows?

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 11:00:40

I have experienced it myself, and walked away.

I've also experienced a different sort of troubled relationship which I remained in for four years as I loved him.

So I understand people staying for various reasons.

If people leave, as you are saying, then yes they may have come to their senses particularly if they seek help to sort out their reasons for staying before.
I wouldn't advise someone against dating them in this instance.

However if they do not leave and do not seek help then I think there'd be a risk in dating them.

I describe myself here too. I wasn't a good bet, having come out of my long term relationship reluctantly and with little insight into my own reasons for staying.

I did have a lot of therapy afterwards though...still not 100% but I probably always will have certain issues. And those issues should put people off dating me.

delilahlilah Sat 23-Mar-13 10:52:14

I agree with you Wannabe. Was starting to think I was the only one who saw it that way.
Unless you have had the misfortune to experience DV then you cannot begin to understand the reasons people stay. I too think it is sad that people would be judged for being a victim. It is far more complicated than just A hit B, B walks away. Story complete. B would still take issues away with them, in most cases regardless of gender.

wannaBe Sat 23-Mar-13 10:13:33

I think that's possibly a discussion for another thread because I think that opens a huge can of worms in terms of perceptions of people who stay in bad/violent relationships. Because there are lots of women who do stay in abusive relationships - for years - and who eventually do find the courage to leave. I think it's a bit sad that there are then people who would advise friends not to date them because of it.

EggandSpooneyMara Sat 23-Mar-13 08:44:49

and that's not victim blaming as such. I have utter sympathy for her and all victims of DV

It just wouldn't make sense to go out with her unless she had finally chosen to leave and got some help as to why she stayed with him in the first place.

That's what I am saying - not to blame him if he was a victim, but why did he stay (if he stayed) with someone who attacked him? OP needs to find out.

Also I HAVE heard a lot of men blaming the ex when in fact it was them doing the DV. I can't pretend I'd not be a bit wary on those grounds alone - more fool me if he is genuine but I'd be willing to take that risk. Which is sad.

EggandSpooneyMara Sat 23-Mar-13 08:41:19

Wannabe, I'd be quite wary of dating anyone who had stayed in a violent relationship (not sure if this is the case with the chap in question, OP doesn't say)

Someone who was attacked once and left, yes - fair dos

someone who was attacked and had their house set on fire and stayed for three years with that person? No way

Because someone who stays has some major issues - not to blame them, at all, but they will have issues.

Case in point a man I was dating who had come out of a violent relationship - I left him at the first signs, then got called by his ex, who he had gone back to, who filled me in on his massive history of beating her up.

For 20 years
and she still wanted him back

I wouldn't have gone near him knowing this stuff but I also wouldn't have advised any bloke in his right mind to date her. Not because she had been the violent one but because she was damaged enough to stay with someone who was.

wannaBe Sat 23-Mar-13 08:25:48

so, a woman claims she is hit by her partner and retalliated violently and we must believe every word she says because she is a woman.

A man says he was in a violent relationship and retalliated and we must steer clear because clearly he's lying because ... oh wait, he's a man. hmm yet again the double standards on here are sickening.

Is it any wonder that male victims of domestic violence are afraid to come forward when they come up against this attitude? And people think that women are victim-blamed? hmm

I had a bf when I was seventeen who hit me. Only once - I hit him back - it was a purely reflex reaction, and nearly broke his nose. I suppose any man should steer clear of me on the basis that I am a violent person and well, you just never know when my violent temper may emerge, even though he hit me first. Oh but wait, I'm a woman so retalliating was ok because my agressor was ... a man. hmm

The ex has form for domestic violence, not only with this man but in another relationship. She was the one who was arrested not the man, but I suppose that's just all mysoginy ey, nothing to do with the fact she was the violent one and he was a victim, because men can't be victims can they, oh no. hmm angry

Op - do you like this man? If so then go with the flow and see what happens. And stop talking to your ex, and stop listening to the local gossips.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 23-Mar-13 08:25:20

* his guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved*

<hollow, bitter laugh of experience>

Uppermid Sat 23-Mar-13 08:16:13

Well I'm going to go against the grain here. Your ex could well be shit stirring, I wouldn't necessarily be out off by rumours, the people who started the rumours have an agenda.

If you like the guy, take it slowly and see what happens. Just cos you go on a date or 2 doesn't mean you have to have him move in and your dd call him daddy!

EggandSpooneyMara Sat 23-Mar-13 08:08:14

I'm not seeking to defend her or anyone else.

I would be very wary with regard to the violence but the sexual problem sounds like premature ejaculation and if so is probably the easiest of the male sexual dysfunctions when it comes to therapy.

If the relationship develops the sexual side of it should not be that big a problem if you are both willing to seek help from a psychosexual therapist. Therapy is only possible within a sound relationship though as it needs commitment from both partners.

Relate have a good psychosexual therapy service.

arsenaltilidie Fri 22-Mar-13 17:02:11

the police have no idea what really happened. No one does except him and his ex.
Of course the police have an idea, that's their job. They wont just decide to prosecute someone without credible evidence.
Given she has a history of DV, then you cant really defend her.

Agree with SGB, basically see how it goes if you get on very well.

Actually, my best advice to you OP would be to read all the stuff about red flags and danger signs, and proceed slowly. It is possible for someone to have one shit relationship and, on getting out of it, turn into a reasonable human being. There are some women who are domestic abusers and who bully and attack their male partners - it's a lot less common than man-against-woman violence, but it does happen and may have done in this case. If you have nothing but hearsay and rumour from people who don't know or who dislike him, and you yourself feel that he's a nice man, it's not the end of the world if you give him a chance. If he does start showing arsehole indicators, then you can dump him and walk away.

How do you know what happened between him and his ex? Are you going on what he told you or gossip? Any actual facts? You say his ex put him in hospital; any evidence? Other than what he told you or gossip?

If I met a man that told me he had hit a previous partner (regardless of excuses) I would run a mile. If he told you that then what isn't he telling you?

EggandSpooneyMara Fri 22-Mar-13 10:37:30

Plus if you are a man trying to redress the balance in terms of perception of DV and gender, you'd do a lot better to moderate your statements and it would add far more credibility were you not to outline as fact things in a situation you're not personally involved with

EggandSpooneyMara Fri 22-Mar-13 10:35:16

I disagree Arsenal. You can't be very sure about anything regarding him - it took someone else tipping her off for him to admit there had been any trouble in the past.

the police have no idea what really happened. No one does except him and his ex.

For an example my friend recently got involved with a man she had known for 12 years. He told her his ex had attacked him and set fire to his house. She checked with mutual friends, they said yes the ex was violent to him - they didn't mention he had been violent in return and in fact it transpired this story was him all along, not the ex, and he has since gone back to his ex and put her in hospital.

You can think you know someone's history but if you are even thinking about asking random friends if he's telling the truth, it says a lot about your trust in him and how well you know him.

It could be that they are missing out whole chunks so as not to get involved/divide their loyalty.

Of course he could be a hapless victim too but he has already admitted he hit her (back). I'd want to know a whole lot more about the circumstances and frankly I have got better things to waste my time on

arsenaltilidie Fri 22-Mar-13 10:08:26

Many men have a tendency lying by blaming the victim, but this man is not one of them.
His ex has a history of DV, police and people that know him say he was a victim, so you can be very sure he was a victim of DV.
As for the sex, if its all go but not lasting very long; that could be fixed.
But however you want to deal with the sex issue is entirely up to you.
WWID: give him time to see if things improve in that department.

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:38:41

Sounds sensible OP. Judge him on how he treats you in friendship or relationship. Good luck whatever happens. This is where village life is a curse and a blessing, in other circumstances you wouldn't know his past - which could be a good thing and could be a bad thing. So hard to know which is actually for the best in this case. thanks

Regardles of the relationship stuff. I'm already friends with this guy, so realisticly I'm already supporting him in one way or another & that's not going to change.

However, I'm cautious about taking things further than friendship because his history.

Don't think I'll be doing any 'saving him' any time soon, and added to that dd & my needs will ultimatly always come first to me.
Regardles of who he is/ was any man that got in the way of that wouldn't be part of my life.

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 22:28:02

I wouldn't be engaging in any of it, from beginning to end.

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:25:04

What exactly has he done wrong Eggy? Absolutely nothing that you have proof of..... Quite alright for women to be in need and get support from a man though I suppose. Just a bit sexist. He isn't taking priority over anything either - she either wishes to knock it on the head on the say so of gossips with their own agenda, or she wants to see how it goes and base her decisions on fact instead.
You sound like your own past is affecting how you see this thread? there is no proof of wrong doing at all. I asked above if he had actually done anything to concern the OP, the only things she mentions are hearsay. Hearsay from her ex (no hidden agenda there) and his ex (same). So if your ex were to spread rumours about you, I take it you would expect to be judged by them, and find it acceptable for them to broadcast your inadequacies in the bedroom?

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 22:19:18

You say he needs it, OP is teetering on giving it. I think your message is very clear.

Man "in need" takes priority. As it ever is, for some women. When will we learn ?

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:14:38

I didn't say she should give it, just that he needed it. He hasn't waved flags, he's been a victim. If this post was reversed, and a man was saying his new gf may have a dv history but it may have been her ex as he put her in hospital, gave her scars and got arrested you would all be up in arms that it was ridiculous that he judge her, she was a victim. Honestly the hypocrisy and assumptions are amazing.

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 22:11:04

Delilah, I really hope your "advice" doesn't encourage OP to take on far more than she can chew

It isn't her responsibility to give this bloke "time, emotional support and trust" off the bat

In a long term relationship, maybe, if all that was reciprocated

But this bloke is waving red flags like crazy....and you think she should give him a chance ?

God Save us from men who need rescuing, and the deluded women that insist on trying < sigh >

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:06:34

Well it sounds like she is the common denominator then, and he should get a break from the gossip mongers. Mud sticks, and it really pisses me off when it isn't deserved. I think he is getting an unreasonably hard time, purely because he is a man. The violent ex is more than likely the one who has caused his issues in the sack.
Reverse this for a minute - think of him as the female and her as the male.... and all the threads about abusive partners and the psychological damage they do. If she was emotionally abusive as well, telling him he was shit in bed, nobody else would want him - all the classics we hear from abusers, then would it really be any wonder that it wasn't just physical scars he had? He needs time, emotional support and the trust that his problems will not be the source of village gossip.
Personally I would give him a chance. If you do, you need to stop your ex when he begins to talk about him and tell him it is inappropriate to discuss it with him. Don't get drawn in to it.

Thank you delilah, the reasons you've mentioned are exactly why I posted on here, because I wanted to hear what peole 'outside the village' think

Personally I do really like him, but I've never been in this situation before so I'm confused what to think. Ulimatly I'm going to remain friends with him regardless of if things do go further or not.

Really not interested in what my ex has to say about him in the sack... especially as let's be honest he was no god in the bedroom himself. And he knows it. Just another factor in the equasion iyswim?

I have spoken to this guys more recent ex. There was no voilence (but no sex either) the ex in question with the violence had similar problems with a more recent partner.

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