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wwyd - man with a past

(88 Posts)

I've been 'getting to know' a guy, I met about w month ago.
From the get go I was instantly attracted to him. He was nice, we get on really well & have a great time.

We agreed to go on a date, although haven't actually been yet (both been busy) we have seen each other nearly every day since we met.

However, village life being village life word got around I was spending time with him. My ex pulled one of my friends aside and told them it would all end in tears...

Que this new guy telling me he has a bit of a 'past' long story short, there was an incident with an ex 3 years ago, where the police were involved. She hit him, he hit her back.

Talking to my ex... this guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved.

My friends that know this guy, have said its in the past & not toworry about it. My friends that don't know him say to steer well clear.

I really do genuinly like this guy.... but having been violent on this occasion in the past.... should I just steer clear completly, I've never experienced this kind of thing before so I'm not sure what to do?

Can men change? He seemed to genuinly regret what happened... but who knows?

How do you know what happened between him and his ex? Are you going on what he told you or gossip? Any actual facts? You say his ex put him in hospital; any evidence? Other than what he told you or gossip?

If I met a man that told me he had hit a previous partner (regardless of excuses) I would run a mile. If he told you that then what isn't he telling you?

Actually, my best advice to you OP would be to read all the stuff about red flags and danger signs, and proceed slowly. It is possible for someone to have one shit relationship and, on getting out of it, turn into a reasonable human being. There are some women who are domestic abusers and who bully and attack their male partners - it's a lot less common than man-against-woman violence, but it does happen and may have done in this case. If you have nothing but hearsay and rumour from people who don't know or who dislike him, and you yourself feel that he's a nice man, it's not the end of the world if you give him a chance. If he does start showing arsehole indicators, then you can dump him and walk away.

arsenaltilidie Fri 22-Mar-13 17:02:11

the police have no idea what really happened. No one does except him and his ex.
Of course the police have an idea, that's their job. They wont just decide to prosecute someone without credible evidence.
Given she has a history of DV, then you cant really defend her.

Agree with SGB, basically see how it goes if you get on very well.

I would be very wary with regard to the violence but the sexual problem sounds like premature ejaculation and if so is probably the easiest of the male sexual dysfunctions when it comes to therapy.

If the relationship develops the sexual side of it should not be that big a problem if you are both willing to seek help from a psychosexual therapist. Therapy is only possible within a sound relationship though as it needs commitment from both partners.

Relate have a good psychosexual therapy service.

EggandSpooneyMara Sat 23-Mar-13 08:08:14

I'm not seeking to defend her or anyone else.

Uppermid Sat 23-Mar-13 08:16:13

Well I'm going to go against the grain here. Your ex could well be shit stirring, I wouldn't necessarily be out off by rumours, the people who started the rumours have an agenda.

If you like the guy, take it slowly and see what happens. Just cos you go on a date or 2 doesn't mean you have to have him move in and your dd call him daddy!

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 23-Mar-13 08:25:20

* his guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved*

<hollow, bitter laugh of experience>

wannaBe Sat 23-Mar-13 08:25:48

so, a woman claims she is hit by her partner and retalliated violently and we must believe every word she says because she is a woman.

A man says he was in a violent relationship and retalliated and we must steer clear because clearly he's lying because ... oh wait, he's a man. hmm yet again the double standards on here are sickening.

Is it any wonder that male victims of domestic violence are afraid to come forward when they come up against this attitude? And people think that women are victim-blamed? hmm

I had a bf when I was seventeen who hit me. Only once - I hit him back - it was a purely reflex reaction, and nearly broke his nose. I suppose any man should steer clear of me on the basis that I am a violent person and well, you just never know when my violent temper may emerge, even though he hit me first. Oh but wait, I'm a woman so retalliating was ok because my agressor was ... a man. hmm

The ex has form for domestic violence, not only with this man but in another relationship. She was the one who was arrested not the man, but I suppose that's just all mysoginy ey, nothing to do with the fact she was the violent one and he was a victim, because men can't be victims can they, oh no. hmm angry

Op - do you like this man? If so then go with the flow and see what happens. And stop talking to your ex, and stop listening to the local gossips.

EggandSpooneyMara Sat 23-Mar-13 08:41:19

Wannabe, I'd be quite wary of dating anyone who had stayed in a violent relationship (not sure if this is the case with the chap in question, OP doesn't say)

Someone who was attacked once and left, yes - fair dos

someone who was attacked and had their house set on fire and stayed for three years with that person? No way

Because someone who stays has some major issues - not to blame them, at all, but they will have issues.

Case in point a man I was dating who had come out of a violent relationship - I left him at the first signs, then got called by his ex, who he had gone back to, who filled me in on his massive history of beating her up.

For 20 years
and she still wanted him back

I wouldn't have gone near him knowing this stuff but I also wouldn't have advised any bloke in his right mind to date her. Not because she had been the violent one but because she was damaged enough to stay with someone who was.

EggandSpooneyMara Sat 23-Mar-13 08:44:49

and that's not victim blaming as such. I have utter sympathy for her and all victims of DV

It just wouldn't make sense to go out with her unless she had finally chosen to leave and got some help as to why she stayed with him in the first place.

That's what I am saying - not to blame him if he was a victim, but why did he stay (if he stayed) with someone who attacked him? OP needs to find out.

Also I HAVE heard a lot of men blaming the ex when in fact it was them doing the DV. I can't pretend I'd not be a bit wary on those grounds alone - more fool me if he is genuine but I'd be willing to take that risk. Which is sad.

wannaBe Sat 23-Mar-13 10:13:33

I think that's possibly a discussion for another thread because I think that opens a huge can of worms in terms of perceptions of people who stay in bad/violent relationships. Because there are lots of women who do stay in abusive relationships - for years - and who eventually do find the courage to leave. I think it's a bit sad that there are then people who would advise friends not to date them because of it.

delilahlilah Sat 23-Mar-13 10:52:14

I agree with you Wannabe. Was starting to think I was the only one who saw it that way.
Unless you have had the misfortune to experience DV then you cannot begin to understand the reasons people stay. I too think it is sad that people would be judged for being a victim. It is far more complicated than just A hit B, B walks away. Story complete. B would still take issues away with them, in most cases regardless of gender.

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 11:00:40

I have experienced it myself, and walked away.

I've also experienced a different sort of troubled relationship which I remained in for four years as I loved him.

So I understand people staying for various reasons.

If people leave, as you are saying, then yes they may have come to their senses particularly if they seek help to sort out their reasons for staying before.
I wouldn't advise someone against dating them in this instance.

However if they do not leave and do not seek help then I think there'd be a risk in dating them.

I describe myself here too. I wasn't a good bet, having come out of my long term relationship reluctantly and with little insight into my own reasons for staying.

I did have a lot of therapy afterwards though...still not 100% but I probably always will have certain issues. And those issues should put people off dating me.

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