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Leave dh because of in laws?

(62 Posts)
LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 21:35:24

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 6. We have two dc's and we get on alright unless I bring up my grievances with his family.
Mil is controlling and bossy. I am independent and hate the way she tries to tell me what to do all the time. She treats us like children. He's used to it and likes having everything done for him.
I'm fed up being his second mum and we're quite distant although we get on ok as I've said.
My SIL ( and the others in his family) are so so different to us. They have lots of holidays, cleaners, personal trainers, amazing jobs.. We're on a very low income and I only have £150 a week to get the food and pay some of the bills. I'm borrowing money from dh's savings regularly just to get through the week. He doesn't know yet.
My il's are becoming worse and worse around me. They question my parenting, look down their nose at me, think I'm awkward and bitch about me behind my back. Dh refuses to accept this. I dread visiting them. I feel sick whenever he says they want us to visit or they're coming to visit us
I'm finding myself going over all the stuff they do to upset me in my head and I know I need to talk to dh about it but he just defends them and says I'm being paranoid. I guess he just wants an easy life.
I dont know what to do. In the past in arguments he's sayid if we split up he would not move out of our house. I have no money or job so would be stuck.
He drinks too much and doesn't really do much with us. He just wants to sleep when he's not at work.
I'm so bored at home. I love our d's but feeling very unhappy.
What do I do?

LadyApricot Sun 24-Mar-13 13:20:05

I could but its a bit sneaky. I need to just be upfront I think.
The savings aren't really family money-it's just money to help is if we ever need to move or something goes wrong with the car etc
He has no spare money, his wages are go e on bills and petrol before the next pay check. So it's not like he's keeping it all for himself. We just need more money coming in. I have since applied for weekend work to help make some more
As for emotional abuse, maybe it is? I don't know..

hedwig2001 Sun 24-Mar-13 12:40:03

Do you still have access to that nasty email thread from in laws? You could forward it to them, asking for a response.

Seems to me the only way for you to get your hands on family money and shared assets is to divorce him!

Sure you dont want to go down that road?

To me this looks more and more like emotional abuse and financial abuse.

LadyApricot Sun 24-Mar-13 12:17:42

Since his talk with mil, I am getting very out of he blue 'nice' messages asking how we are etc
Avoiding talking about what I tried to bring up.
I am going crazy here. No one will talk and tell me what their problem is and I'm left with all this anger and frustration while they all put on a fake smile and their nice act
Even if I ask outright they're going to deny everything aren't they
Do I just live in frustration instead?

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 09:31:23

I'll never have that kind of loyalty sadly but I do love him. Hopefully we will work this out sad

digerd Sat 23-Mar-13 07:58:17

Wish you luck. So many men can't assert themselves with their parents , especially DM and take the easy way out of blaming the wife for over-reacting.

At least my BIL stood up to his 80 year-old DM who was in hospital after having a Masectomy due to breast cancer, when she moaned about my sis not visiting her. He defended sis and told his mum that she was out of order and he wasn't going to see her again.
That is unconditional loyalty to wife over mum, but I was still a bit shocked due to circumstances of the mum.

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 06:36:16

Avoid not a pod!!

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 06:35:01

Digerd I think it might be a tactic to stop me leaving or to scare me a bit as he knows I have no money to go anywhere and he's just trying whatever it takes to stop me from speaking up about my problems with his family. I think I've started the ball rolling now as brought it up with him yesterday and he had no problem talking to them. Sadly they denied everything and this is where we go back to square one- telling me I'm imagining it just to keep up appearances and a pod any falling out
I shall have to confront them myself and take no crap!

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 06:28:48

Domjolly I think it was the only way of saving some money as we had no savings before and if I hAd access to spend it as I needed it wouldn't have been there long! You're right though that if you're married things should be shared. Since I've met him, money's been separate, he's not into the idea of putting it in to one big pot at all.

digerd Fri 22-Mar-13 21:32:21

I couldn't stand that with your MIL and DH. You have young children, you get to stay in the house and he has to move out.

Domjolly Fri 22-Mar-13 21:26:19

Um why are you borrowing money from your dh
Thats a bit strage you do know all matrial assets are considred owned by both parties so technically you cant opborrow money

This alone sets alarm bells

LadyApricot Fri 22-Mar-13 21:12:31

Perfect! Haha

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 20:21:39

Or leave it on the coffee table next time they visit?

LadyApricot Fri 22-Mar-13 20:17:55

Thanks, I'll look it up. Would love to see his face when he sees what I'm reading!

Their response to your H is typical of toxic parents; these people also deny and minimise everything and blame everyone else but themselves for their actions. They certainly will not ever take any responsibility. Neither of you will ever receive any sort of apology from them and such people as well can never, ever be reasoned with.

Reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward will explain such dynamics more.

Your H has and will continue to back his parents over you; they are his priority and he will do and say anything not to upset them because he has been conditioned by them to do so. He still wants their approval even as an adult and such stuff can take a lifetime if ever to actually undo.

He is the product of dysfunctional parenting and now you and by turn your children are being profoundly affected by this; this toxic stuff does seep down the generations. You are deeply unhappy and your children pick up on all this between their parents as well. Don't kid yourself that they do not.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up and what do you get out of this relationship now?. Some need of yours on an emotional level is still being met because you are still there, do you have rescuer and or saviour tendencies?.

What do you want for your children in terms of a childhood?. What they are seeing currently is damaging to them, they're being shown a dysfunctional role model of a relationship.

Your H is the main problem here and your inlaws are a by product of that.

LadyApricot Fri 22-Mar-13 09:02:26

I said this today. He spoke to them without any problem. I was shocked! However they deny everything and say they're fine with me. I think I've hit a brick wall! If they're not prepared to talk about things like adults I can't get anywhere.
I'll hand it to him though, he surprised me there!

If he complains that you are rocking the boat by saying something and standing up to them, then you simply tell him this:

"Honey, I am standing up to them because you are refusing to. I will continue to do it my way, until you do it your way, then we will see."

2rebecca Thu 21-Mar-13 22:45:37

Can you refuse to visit his family with him or go out for the day if they visit? Why do you have to do what he says all the time?
I think this is the problem with being financially dependant on a controlling man. He is your problem, and the fact that you won't just do your own thing and tell him you don't like his parents and don't want to spend time with them.
If he drinks alot he needs to want to tackle this before tackling depression as antidepressents won't work if he's drinking, and alcohol is a depressant.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 19:27:58

I think I'll just stand up for myself more and when they say something again I'll point out that its a bit or upsetting..
As for him, I think the first step is the doctors!

" He doesn't want me to talk to them so it's up to him just to have a word and find out what the problem is."
He's really not capable of 'having a word' though. They have completely incapacitated him. Imagine if, instead of emotionally crippling him, they had cut off his arms. Would you seriously expect him to throw a punch? Of course not. So he's not going to be able to stand up for you/have a word/etc. It's a bit unfair to expect that of him right now. All it does is make you even more frustrated when he doesn't/can't.

I think you have to decide whether to talk to them yourself or put them on the back burner and just deal with him right now.

theonewiththenoisychild Thu 21-Mar-13 17:26:57

me and my dp had the same problem only both our family's couldn't accept we were together and tried to cause trouble dp couldnt see any fault on his family's side until one day they turned on him and in the process told him how they felt about me. since then he has been disillusioned and now we don't see as much of them or the family members of mine who insist of causing trouble

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 17:07:12

He definitely needs a doctor.
How thin is the ice he's walking on, and does he know?

The trick is to sort out twatiness from depression.
Not easy, TBH. sad

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 16:49:50

Had a good walk and cleared head a bit and have to say you too are right. It's not his fault they're so nasty is it? I do need it sorting out though as they're getting worse and worse towards me. He doesn't want me to talk to them so it's up to him just to have a word and find out what the problem is.
I think he needs a doctor still though and I might edit the letter/just talk to him!

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 15:21:03

I mean
I don't think it accomplishes anything.
Or
I think it accomplishes nothing.

Sigh.

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