Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Leave dh because of in laws?

(62 Posts)
LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 21:35:24

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 6. We have two dc's and we get on alright unless I bring up my grievances with his family.
Mil is controlling and bossy. I am independent and hate the way she tries to tell me what to do all the time. She treats us like children. He's used to it and likes having everything done for him.
I'm fed up being his second mum and we're quite distant although we get on ok as I've said.
My SIL ( and the others in his family) are so so different to us. They have lots of holidays, cleaners, personal trainers, amazing jobs.. We're on a very low income and I only have £150 a week to get the food and pay some of the bills. I'm borrowing money from dh's savings regularly just to get through the week. He doesn't know yet.
My il's are becoming worse and worse around me. They question my parenting, look down their nose at me, think I'm awkward and bitch about me behind my back. Dh refuses to accept this. I dread visiting them. I feel sick whenever he says they want us to visit or they're coming to visit us
I'm finding myself going over all the stuff they do to upset me in my head and I know I need to talk to dh about it but he just defends them and says I'm being paranoid. I guess he just wants an easy life.
I dont know what to do. In the past in arguments he's sayid if we split up he would not move out of our house. I have no money or job so would be stuck.
He drinks too much and doesn't really do much with us. He just wants to sleep when he's not at work.
I'm so bored at home. I love our d's but feeling very unhappy.
What do I do?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Mar-13 21:42:12

Sounds an obvious question but what does your DH think of the way they treat you? Does he know how you feel, that it affects you this much? Sorry to say but he doesn't sound particularly caring or considerate,is he a good dad?

clam Wed 20-Mar-13 21:43:28

Hmm, sounds as if the ILs aren't the whole problem. He, however, is.
What do you mean by "his" savings? Surely they should be joint? And it's not as if you're using the money for manicures and chocolates. He benefits from the food you buy, so why is that an issue?
OK, so I can see it IS an issue, so that's probably not very helpful. But if you're a bit wary of him, then this isn't just about the MIL.

giveitago Wed 20-Mar-13 21:50:57

Lady - my dh doesn sounnd like yours in that he's checked out of family life and sleeps all the time when not working and only really gets up when something interests him (and it's not his wife or child). But dh's family also very controlling but but of a very poor economic background. But they also look down their nose at me.

I worry about my dh sleeping through his child's childhood. You should worry also.

LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 22:03:58

Dh thinks they are fine towards me and thinks I make a massive deal out of nothing. Everyone in my family have picked up on it though, when there have been family gatherings. I think he just doesn't want the conflict and I now feel I can't bring it up any more.
The savings are supposed to be completely untouched- incase we need to move house or some kind of emergency. He puts all the money in, not me.
I like to think if we had the money we would do more as a family but I can't remember a time he's said " let's go and do this " it's always my idea.
We've managed to get a free break over easter as a family for a few days but he wants us to stay with his mum first then go on to the hotel. I am gutted. I'll end up dreading the whole thing now and have more stuff to get wound up about while we're away instead of enjoying it.
I just feel like giving up on all this aggro but then I think how upset the children will be and what would happen if we split and he refused to leave our house... Then I feel bad because I do love him..
So mixed up!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Mar-13 22:07:22

What do you love about him? Genuine question. He sounds quite controlling. Ok, so he is working and "bringing in the money" and you are looking after the children, that is also work. If you were independent financially would you leave?

LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 22:19:26

I don't know.. I'd probably still be scared to make a decision. He has said 'I need to work' and Said the other day 'she doesnt even go to work' when I said jokingly how I would love a cleaner (the il's were talking about theirs)
He hates having to work - he feels he's too good for the job he has and the career he really wants is probably not going to be a reality. He'd rather be at home and I go out to work but that's not going to happen. I have terrible ibs and can't imagine working with this at the moment!

LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 22:20:55

I think the mil is the controlling one an hes too scared to stand up to her..

Loulybelle Wed 20-Mar-13 22:27:23

You ever thought your IBS, is due to the situation your in, stress is a key factor in IBS attacks, your obviously stressed and miserable, you H doesnt really seem that interested in family life, clueless about his families treatment of you.

I think you really to work out, can you accept just "ok" for life, or strive to achieve something better, your DC's will learn and pick up on this and think that living in stress and misery is the norm.

Is this good enough for you? because you have the right to say no, if it isnt.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Mar-13 22:42:04

Ugh, poor you, IBS is horrible. I have had that too but it is under control at the moment. Think louly could well be right though that your IBS is linked to your unhappiness. I would also find it incredibly hard to live with controlling ILs in my life. I had a bit of that with my ex. They actually did like me but once I had Dd they made all kinds of bizarre demands and judgements and the way they behaved you would have thought they were her other parent! So I feel for you.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 20-Mar-13 22:51:10

Your husband sounds horrible let alone his family.

I'd leave due to that alone.

BadLad Thu 21-Mar-13 04:30:41

We're on a very low income and I only have £150 a week to get the food and pay some of the bills. I'm borrowing money from dh's savings regularly just to get through the week. He doesn't know yet.

This absolutely cannot go on. Whether your financial arrangements in your marriage are fair or not, and I am of the opinion that it sounds as if your husband regards the money as "his" rather more than he should, you have to tell him that you are unable to make ends meet without dipping into the savings.

The solution may be one of many things - you getting a job, or him working more, or making some economies, but the savings diminishing is his business as well as yours. If you are worried about telling him, then you should really be thinking if you want to stay with him or not, but the more savings you use, the harder it will be.

Don't think for a minute I'm blaming you for having to use them - I have no idea whether it's your fault or his that you are struggling to make ends meet from your income. But you must tell him.

I had hideous IBS for years. Moved away from my stressful living situation, it got a lot better. Now, happily married, I almost never have an attack. Only if I eat crap, don't sleep and treat my body badly.

I also agree that this is not about the ILs. If your DH was supporting you, they would not be able to affect you.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 06:22:49

Very true. I think he needs to grow up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 06:29:44

"He drinks too much and doesn't really do much with us. He just wants to sleep when he's not at work. "

I think this is your problem really. You're struggling for cash, you're married to a slob and the attitude of the in-laws is just the icing on the cake. If he was supportive, didn't drink and your family had more cash coming into it, you'd have more confidence and wouldn't feel intimidated. Do you work btw?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 06:31:30

Sorry, just seen that you don't work. See a GP about the IBS and get yourself an income. I think it'd do you good to be more independent.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 06:36:16

I have seen a specialist and waiting further tests from the hospital. I would love to be able to have my own job - at the moment though I'm just trapped.. Can't go anywhere for long or out In The evening sad
I'm taking the right steps in that respect though. I could never be a slob!

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 06:41:34

I agree it's not about the ILs, really.

It's about his attitude at home

He's used to it and likes having everything done for him. I'm fed up being his second mum

Can you stop doing things for him?

And I'd actually start looking for jobs. For one, not to be dependent on his income and to be more independent should I have to leave.

You may be surprised how good working out of the home may make you feel. The IBS may become less of a problem.

And forget the ILs. Concentrate on you and your family. They are mostly a red herring here. I think you are using them to avoid facing the issues in your own marriage.

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 06:43:26

Is there anything you could do from home?

2fedup Thu 21-Mar-13 06:47:43

Have you considered counselling? If he won't go, you might find it helpful on your own to help you to way up options and find a way forward.
Does he understand that there is a serious problem, rather than ' just moaning' not saying that to be mean? Could you write a letter if talking is hard. focusing a what you would like to see happen differently so there a way forward. More trips to the park, beach walks etc, more dad nights at bedtime. Include solutions not just issues.
Sorry in a rush, so I hope this isn't too preachy.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You write that you love him. He does not know the meaning of the word love (and did you really expect different with his poor parental role models), he just wanted someone to look after him as his mother has done. What is there to love about such a man exactly?.

He also drinks too much and has become adept at opting out of family life altogether. Those alone apart from having to raid your DHs savings which you have also not told him of (for good reason i.e to avoid his wrath) are good reasons to consider whether this marriage has any future at all.

The ILs are a red herring, he is the main problem here. He will also not stand up to them; such men do not because he is more afraid of his mother in particular than he ever would be of you. He still wants their approval and keeps putting their wishes first.

You need to make a decision with regards to him; you have a choice re him your children do not. Is this really what you want from life for the next x number of years till you decide that you've finally had enough?. Such men do not change. He gets what he wants from this relationship i.e you to run around after him and do all his worrying for him.

As for him not wanting to leave the marital home should you split up, this is a usual tactic used by such damaged people to keep their victims i.e you and your children in your place; i.e to serve him. He knows you're unhappy and does not give a monkeys. He's more afraid of his mother than he would ever be of you.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 07:32:34

I think you're absolutely right. It's hard to accept really as I've told myself I'm happy with him for so long and it's just his family that are the problem.
I have some facing up to do and need to talk to him. It's scary though. I don't think he could look after himself on his own but I need to think of myself.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 07:34:03

And he is more scared of his family especially his mother more than me. She still has a lot of control over him and his family.

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 07:57:42

I don't think it's even an issue of how his mother treats you, or whether he's more afraid of her than you or whatever.

What matters is that you are not happy at home.
He's not pulling his weight and he's just shutting down and drinking too much.

If you were happy together, you'd be annoyed at PILs but would let it wash over you and just consider them twats.

Loulybelle Thu 21-Mar-13 08:19:06

Deal with the person your married to first, otherwise you just gonna keep focusing on your IL's as the issue. The big issue is you husband, who right now, doesnt have a happy wife.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now