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Do you know of a gay man who fell in love with a woman, and it turned into LTR?

(47 Posts)
allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 00:07:03

this is a question on behalf of my friend who is too shy to post on forums. I'd really like to hear from those who know of such scenarios, when a man is above 30-35 (we don't know how old he is exactly), not only theories.

A bit of info, but there isn't much...We both know the guy through my male friend who is his boss, in a small company, the gay guy is a 'hit with the ladies' at work as my friend puts it. He is indeed very nice and very easy to talk to, and attractive-looking but not camp really. She came along with me a few times over a couple of years, and they do seem to get on very well, I'd say it looks like there is a bit of chemistry, but it could be general chemistry IYKWIM like with a friend. She now confessed she fancies him, and yesterday when he hugged her after a long absence, she felt it was bliss!

Says that if he wasn't gay she would really like to date him. I asked my friend/the boss whether he knew if the guy is in relationship, he sort of laughed and dismissed it with 'I don't think so'. not sure what's that supposed to mean, that gay men are often playing the field? made me a bit hmm. Anyway I can't find out any more. He's not really obviously gay when you first meet or talk to him, but once you really talk it comes through: he's quite tactile with women, I mean hugs hello and chats with them easily, sort of arm-touching during talking etc. I have never seen him with guys though, only at work where he has to be a bit formal.

She says, she feels that he is a little bit attracted, but knows she could be projecting. It's obvious they enjoy their chats though, he's slightly more low key with her than with women he works with. Personally I think gay men don't change completely, I don't know of any, but I don't know gay men anyway (as friends). There is always possibility a gay man has bi-leanings and wants a family, so would date one woman, but I doubt that she could trust him in the future as TBH I can't imagine that they would just lose their attraction to guys? So it's playing with fire really, but maybe I just don't know.

aleene Wed 20-Mar-13 00:13:00

I'm sorry but nowhere has he really indicated that he is interested in her. He is, most likely, happy in the company of women but not interested in dating one. It doesn't matter if he is 'obviously gay' or not.

She should enjoy his friendship but look elsewhere for a relationship, sorry.

EggsEggSplat Wed 20-Mar-13 00:20:50

Sounds like it's pure imagination on her part, I think, unless you are missing something crucial out.

I know plenty of gay men who are very touchy-feely-huggy with women, even ones they don't know very well -I guess you could interpret that as flirtatious if it weren't for the fact they are gay. They feel able to be like that precisely because they are not remotely attracted to women.

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 00:29:47

Eggs and aleene, sorry, you misunderstood, I know that his being touchy feely is a sign of being gay, that's the 'con' of the story. But the question is, can a gay man fall for a woman.

We really know nothing about what he feels or thinks, but she would never know unless she shows interest? If he was attracted as she says he just might be, he's never going to show it in front of everyone at work, is he. The question is, is it even possible, and anyone knows such examples!

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 00:31:43

they have hit it off as personalities though, always beam when they see each other.

jynier Wed 20-Mar-13 00:38:30

OP - He's gay! He ain't gonna fall for a woman! There will be no LTR but there will certainly be good friendship, if wanted.

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 00:43:52

well, I thnk so too jynier, I just thought I'd consult with MN as maybe someone knows of such examples. I've no idea of his history, like whether he was ever bi. On MN there were examples when men were bi but married a woman (women posted about it) and commited, but we don;t know whether he's gay or mixed, that's the problem.

EggsEggSplat Wed 20-Mar-13 01:03:02

Yes, there are occasionally people whose sexuality shifts in later life - I can think of Mary Portas and Tom Robinson, for example - but I think it is so rare as to be a very bad idea to pin any hopes on.

Most friends of mine who were gay at 16/21/30 are, surprise surprise, still gay at 45 or 60. Likewise most of my straight friends were pretty clear which way they leaned by the time they left school - I know I was.

Unless he gives very clear, unambiguous signals that he is interested in her as more than a friend, I would assume she's on a hiding to nothing.

rockinhippy Wed 20-Mar-13 01:03:29

At that age, if he's gay, rather than bi, 100% NO

If he were younger, then very slim chance, but the odds are massively against it - I've only known it happen once & last, he was mid 20s & last I heard, is still happily married with 2 teenage kids - when I first knew him he was extremely gay & living with his boyfriend of 4 years & enjoying the delights of being a young gay open couple living in Earl Court.

I once lived with my best gay friend & we were a couple for 6 years, he is still one of my closest friends & DDs God Farter - but we were only 18 when we got together -

by mid 30s - they know who they are & what they want & trust me, the biggest flirts around women I know are gay men - been a fag hag all my life grin - he's probably shagging the boss [ grin]

rockinhippy Wed 20-Mar-13 01:08:25

Funny though, with women it can work the other way - most of my lesbian friends were straight & often man eaters for a while after marriage breakdown & then became gay in their 40s - I've never known a gay man do that confused

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 01:12:04

thanks Eggs, she is just pinning her hopes on the fact that they never met one-to-one so he had no chance to give any such signals as you mention. She's wondering whether to ask him out, not on a date but say to a show? I think he'll reject the offer and it will be embarassing, though he's probably nice enough to do it gently (reject her).
rocking - wow! a lot of experience, and you know of one shock, though yes, he was very young. Still though, did he tell you how did he manage to just switch off men?? Also a couple fpr SIX yrs with you gay friend! so until 24 he didn't know he was gay? Yes, I get your point about being mid-30s. No boss is married and def not gay, he's my friend!

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 01:14:58

that's the point, rocking, but NOTE that they turned from straight to gay, how many women you know that turned from gay to straight aged 20+? I think a number of staight people are latently gay due to upbringing etc. But don't know of gay ones who turned straight!

rockinhippy Wed 20-Mar-13 01:23:22

He knew he was gay, but didn't want to be gay, wanted kids & normal family life, but you can't deny who you are in life & be happy, I ended the relationship & he reverted back to his true self

I never asked other friend, I expressed shock at the time, but we rarely saw him & his wife as he moved back to his hometown, so that might well have a lot to do with it - sadly even up until quite recent times, being gay wasn't an easy life choice to makesad

& I'm sure you know your friend, but I wouldn't say being married rules out gay affairs, I've known a few seemingly very straight family men think that was okay if they didn't get caught

Honestly I think your friend is on a hiding to nowhere & I have LOT of gay friends & live in the gay quarter of the gay Capital too, so I am speaking from experience

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 01:34:28

haha, rockin, you are definitely the voice of best knowledge on the subject, I doubt anyone on MN lives in gay quarter in the gay Capital (isn't that London though?)
Just on little question, how could you tell that he wasn't genuinely straight, as you still lasted 6yrs, were you so in love that you closed your eyes to his lack of sexdrive, or was he really bi and genuinely attarcted to both, but it wasn't good enough for you (with all the reason!).

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 01:35:59

no, friend def not gay, he was looking (in vain) for mistress a while ago!

allaflutter Wed 20-Mar-13 01:36:28

I know some married men stray with men, even read it on here.

rockinhippy Wed 20-Mar-13 01:42:00

No, he was straight when he was with me, our sex life was fine - even if my DM thinks it was my fault he turned gay - lol, but we were young

& no, not London, Brighton is known as the Gay capital of Europe,

sleepyhead Wed 20-Mar-13 01:44:43

More than one of my parent's married male acquaintances came out as gay in their 30s/40s causing a lot of heartache. I don't know if it's less common now maybe when (hopefully) there's less pressure to conform to some hetrosexual ideal hmm.

I've never heard about it happening the other way though, sorry. I think she's absolutely on a hiding to nothing.

sleepyhead Wed 20-Mar-13 01:49:01

Although I do remember dh once being convinced that a guy we worked with was just pretending to be gay to get girls. Which seemed then (and now) such a ludicrous concept.

Gay colleague was absolutely 100% gay, if you measure gayness as only being attracted to and sleeping with people of the same sex as you, so clearly this alleged strategy which only existed in dh's head wasn't working out for him.

TWinklyLittleStar Wed 20-Mar-13 01:51:50

I don't want to give your friend false hope but although I'm bi, for many many years everyone who knew me assumed I was gay as I was in a long term same sex relationship. I'm now very happily married to a man.

Selks Wed 20-Mar-13 01:54:48

Sexuality can be fluid. I've known plenty of men and women who identified as gay but later had opposite sex relationships. Most of the gay and lesbian people that I've known have not done this but it is far from uncommon.
But really that is irrelevant. The OP does not describe anything to indicate that the man is sexually or romantically interested in her friend so really his sexuality is a red herring. He is not into her apart from as a friend and that's all that is important.

ErikNorseman Wed 20-Mar-13 08:23:39

I don't think it's wise to hope that a gay person might be bi, or bi curious, or whatever. I think it's safer to assume that a gay man is gay, and therefore won't be interested in a woman. It is possible for people to fall for people of the opposite gender to those they are usually attracted to, but it's very uncommon. It really isn't something your friend should be expecting.

Spiritedwolf Wed 20-Mar-13 09:17:11

Sorry. Step back a minute. How do you know he's gay? As opposed to a straight guy who is friendly and slightly effeminate or Bisexual?

I have a female friend who is bisexual who lived with a woman for years, who is now marrying a man. It happens that she always knew she was bisexual. But she knows a male friend who at first self identified as gay, and then realised he was bi later (20s I think).

I'm not saying this to get your/her hopes up, only to try and stop you both from making assumptions about him. Why not ask him if he is interested in a date? You're adults, I don't think that the embarassment if he isn't interested in a date with her because she's a woman is going to be significantly worse than if he's not interested in her because he's not interested in her. If he's nice and friendly then I doubt he's going to ridicule her because her gaydar isn't working or because he's come across as attractive.

To minimise embarassment, I'd suggest she doesn't mention feeling a chemistry etc between them, but sticks to her finding him attractive/fun/friendly an wondering if he'd be up for a date. She's not going to know unless she asks. If he does say no, she should also refrain from saying 'its because you're gay, isn't it?' In case it isn't!

If she was attracted to someone she knew dated women, would she still be nervous to ask him out? I'm wondering if this is just shyness. It could be that its easier for her to have crushes on 'unavailable' men if she's shy to start things. Life's too short not to ask, surely? Its the only way to find out smile

Kiriwawa Wed 20-Mar-13 09:27:07

I know a gay woman who is now in a happy LTR with a man and Tom Robinson was gay and is now happily married to a woman so yes it does happen but I don't think that you can extrapolate anything useful from those examples as far as your friend and this man are concerned.

TisILeclerc Wed 20-Mar-13 09:32:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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