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Should i just tell this woman to fu*k the fu*k off ??

(62 Posts)
StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 14:44:15

long story short -

Mum died last year, her and dad were married 30+yrs.

Dad has new 'girlfriend' #( i say girlfriend she is much older than him...)
Dad and new 'girlfriend' been together since xmas she wanted to come xmas day.... she didnt in the end.

Girlfriend has all but moved into to dads house - moved everything around put up her own photos (of her) and pictures etc...

She put up mothers day cards from her children (this is the first mothers day without our much loved mum and to come 'home' to find cards 'to my lovley mum' on the shelf was a big tipping point for me.

girlfriend is CONSTANTLEY touching my dad when we are around holding hands hugging kissing etc.

Girlfriend dosnt like dad seeing any of his friends especially females ones were his and mums friends people he has known for over 40 yrs....

other issues we have is that my brother has serverle learning difficuties he lives in residential care but is home once a fornight for the weekend - she has started interfering with his care and despite a letter from his psycologist suguesting he should have no contact with this woman for the time he is home she is there all the time.

We have tried speaking to my dad but he will not listen the problems with my brother are brushed off as he is missing mum.....

Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself.

last straw i popped round home last night as on a monday dad sees mums nest friend (she is married and known dad 40+yrs) my sister was there as well and i had a lovley evening giggerling with her and my sister while girlfriend say on the floor and 'read' her book whilst periodically leaning up to touch dad who was on sofa...

I had 15 missed calls from my dad this morning i thouight somone had died.... no it turns out xxxxx felt really left out last night and unwelcolme and we had all done this to her ( we didnt intentially exclude her she chose not to join in with our sillyness ;)

I just want to tell this woman to fuck off -- i think that sadley my dad would chose her over me and his grandchildren so not even worth me talking to him i have tried and he just dosnt listen.

sorry for the long post this is really upsetting me and i needed to get it all down xxx

INeverSaidThat Thu 21-Mar-13 09:42:20

stinky. That sounds like a really good phone call. I think it's nice that you are seeing them on Friday. Your DF must be pleased. I am sure he understands why you are finding it difficult but it must be nice for him to know that you are still there for him. On Friday, perhaps you can keep the evening simple and just chat about nothing (the weather, kids etc) Everyone's nerves are still on edge and I guess it might be a good idea to take things slowly and gently IYSWIM. I hope his girlfriend behaves confused

I hope you get the situation with your brother sorted out.

Good luck

Lilyloo Wed 20-Mar-13 21:09:31

That sounds great. Keep all lines of communication open, he will see you are trying and whatever she chooses to do about that is up to her.

primroseyellow Wed 20-Mar-13 18:46:56

Your father is a fool not to put his own family, ie his DCs including you, first. But if he can't see that .......

"But being an adult brings with it, not just the right to make choices, it brings with it responsibilities."

Yes. Quite.

FarleyD Wed 20-Mar-13 16:58:21

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum Stinky. I have been in a similar situation, and totally get where you're coming from. Generalising horribly here, but I venture to suggest those commenting that your Dad is an adult and should be allowed to make his own choices haven't been in similar situations.

Absolutely he's an adult, entitled to make his own choices. But being an adult brings with it, not just the right to make choices, it brings with it responsibilities. And in this case, the adult still has responsibilities (OP's brother), which the Dad seems to be avoiding.

Hopefully, the conversation you had with him today will be the beginning of your Dad starting to think more logically again. And, despite what your inner self may be longing to say/do, I wouldn't tell OW to fuck off. Keep your Dad on side as long as you can. Let her be the one to show herself up and demonstrate her true colours.

StinkyElfCheese Wed 20-Mar-13 16:28:38

Had a nice chat on the phone with my dad today longest conversation ever - he was at work so she wasn't around

I raised my concerns about my brother with him and said that I am pleased he has found somone and want him to be happy I am saddened that he is losing contact with his old friends and family because xxx is jealous of their relationship

I am unsure as to what the future holds as he is cancelling his dinner tonight with mums best friend as he ' had to work' pretty unlikely but at least me and him have cleared the air I have again asked him to speak to xxxxxx about how uncomfortable she makes me around my children and we have planned to go round to his house on Friday for dinner with him and xxxxxx so at least he van see I am trying

Dinosaurhunter Tue 19-Mar-13 20:43:50

Op - I'm so sorry for your loss and I completely understand your pain , my own mum died 8 months ago and there is no way on earth I would accept this type of behaviour from my dad it's totally uncaring and disrespectful to your mums memory . Sorry no advice to offer but I just wanted to let you know that what your feeling is normal and you know deep down that your dad will always love you . I truley believe no one understands the loss of a parent until they have been through it x

LaurenGB Tue 19-Mar-13 20:34:24

Hi Stinky.
Firstly, my condolences on the loss of your mum. I cannot imagine the heartache you must still be feeling just over a year on. My partner lost his father 3 years ago and is slowly but surely returning to his loving self - it does get more bearable.
I can completely understand how you would feel with such a strong minded - and what sounds like completely unsympathetic - woman moving herself in so to speak. Can I suggest you have a sit down with her? I do understand how this may sound at first, but hear it out. You are hurting from her actions, she is apparently hurting from your actions. You'd have thought that she would have opened her eyes and seen that her actions were unsensitive towards you. You would have hoped that she would have spoken to you, apologised or perhaps even made the effort to understand you. Show her the bar she needs to meet. Speak to her in a level and even tone about why you are upset and apologise for upsetting her. Your dad will understand and see you making the effort. Perhaps then you could tactfully explain about the situation with your brother and ask her opinion on how they can make this transition easier for him? Maybe ask her to visit the home and have the staff speak to her about him and his recent change in behaviour?
This is what I would like to think I would do in your situation. To keep my relationship with my parent, and to ensure that I knew I had done all I could.

something2say Tue 19-Mar-13 18:54:08

I think it's so hard to lose more than one family member at a time really, when it could so easily be the other way round....

I think OPs Dad has gone from one strong minded woman (his late wife) to another so he has someone to look after him whilst not having to make difficult decisions. He's put this lady above everyone else. He's also shut down over the issue re his son in the residential care home because he cannot make a decision on that either so does not take responsibility.

Is he really being forced to choose between people he loves because to me it seems that he has already made a choice and that is his lady friend (who is herself separated from her own H). He has chosen to act like this, he does not have to act like a muse to his svengali but he chooses to do that as well.

No wonder his children are concerned; their Dad is not the person they thought he was.

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 18:34:08

The reason your Dad may be looking so haggered could be because his family are so against his new relationship. It must be unelievable hurtful for him as he must feel that he is being forced to choose between people he loves.

The new girlfriend sounds a bit confused and it is not suprising that the OP doesn't like her. However it is the OP's Dad who is dating her not the OP and it is his choice. He is a grown man and it is not for other people to manage or approve his love life.

The problem with the OP's brother does need sorting out but I don't know if alienating and stressing out the OP's Dad is the best way forward. The OP's Dad sounds a bit like my Dad who closes down when faced with difficult decisions.

OP are you sure you want to risk losing your Dad over this, he must love his new partner to have stayed with her despite the rest of the families opposition.

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 18:20:38

I wouldn't tell this woman to fuck off. I'd tell my dad to, not in so many words, but I'd stop taking his stupid calls and stop bringing my kids round this gal. You've already told him but the problem is, he's chosing not get it.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 18:07:48

She has said to dad that she is jealous of his relationship with friend ( was mums best friend) and has found a new hobby to do on the only night dads friend comes to see him. Fadbhas agreed to go out for dinner with old friend tomorrow she called us as she suspects it may not go well.....

We weren't being rude but we know and love mums friend like a special aunt and haven't seen her for a long time we always laugh alot. When were together it the first time I have felt comfortable in my dadd house for months

Lilyloo Tue 19-Mar-13 17:54:55

Hi op very sorry to hear about your mum. I can totally sympathise as I am in a similar situation myself.
My dad met his partner a couple of years after we lost my mum. They have bought a house together and she is constantly on at my dad to sell his house, whilst she 'rents' hers to her son.
She is very difficult and on the few occasions we have been invited round she has made it difficult by choosing to sit on her own, go in another room as you describe so she can tell my dad afterwards how left out she feels.
This culminated in me challenging my dad at Christmas that her behaviour makes everyone feel awkward. He says he will have a word then brings her round to my home to chastise me for 'being ignorant as stated by her dil who was there at Christmas.
Things are now so strained that I rarely see my dad, I find it very hard and in turn he rarely sees his grandchildren.
I think women like this are very clever and manipulative and if I had my time again I would have pointed this out to my dad much earlier.
As for what happened last night I would make a point of carrying on as you were. If you back off, as we did, it makes things much harder.
I do think they feel threatened by your relationship with your dad so try to break it down.
I really wish she could just accept the relationship between child / dad is a different entity.
As far as your brother is concerned could you have a meeting with your dad and his carers without his new partner and see if he will agree to a plan?

AllOverIt Tue 19-Mar-13 17:51:57

Sorry you're going through this OP. Nothing to add really just that have my sympathy . It sounds like a horrible situation.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I was going to say YABU, but the fact that she put her cards up in his house when she has her own, and her interfering in your DB's care, she sounds like she's a manipulative cow bag sad

His lady friend has probably encouraged your Dad also not to read them.

Have you yourself had an opportunity to read these reports from your brother's care home?.

Presumably your sister is just as upset, confused and angry as well over her Dad's behaviours.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:41:08

Thanks expat sums it all up really

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:38:18

We have just had brothers annuall review ( Mr dad and sis went) the were lots of reports about brothers behaviour andstratagies to move forward with it... He sat there and listened to staff speak but don't think he heard anything... He took the reports home but I doubt he had read them

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:34

It was my aunts partners funeral ( mums sisters partner) she was with him for 13 years he was lovely dad knew him well and all mums family was there.

Me and sis are constantly in contact with care home as they simply cannot discuss anything with my dad the staff are great and are also quite shocked at dads behaviour

Lavenderhoney Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:33

I think it's very hard but your df has found a person who makes him happy at the moment. It's very quick, but people deal with things in different ways. I wish my dm had found someone after my df died tbh, she was very very lonely after being married for almost 50 years. Occasional visits from family were lovely but constant companionship is a massive thing to miss. It's not replacement, in my eyes. She just said she was too old and all the men her age were too grumpy.

About your brother - could just you and your dad go for a meeting at the home where your db is? Then your df can speak alone to the manager or with you there as well. Then your dad may be inclined to see your db alone or whatever is best for your brother as discussed with a professional. Your dad could also take his gf along to see the professional too, after his initial visit so she understands the distress and no matter how much she is prepared to spend the weekend with your db, it is too much for him, and he is part of the package that comes with your dad. So she will have to stay away those weekends.

Your Dad did not attend a family funeral?. Was this funeral on your late mother's side of the family?. He may well not have attended because she did not want him to go. She seems intent on cutting him off completely from his late wife's family and by turn yourselves.

Your Dad doesn't get it at all does he?. He has put her about everything and everyone else. He does not have to act like a muse to his svengali figure, he made a choice throughout.

Think he is also deep in denial re his son. Have you directly spoken to his care home staff without either your Dad or his lady friend present?. If not I would arrange such a meeting asap.

I would also keep your children at a greater distance as well as she is refusing to accept any boundaries you set with regards to your children.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:20:29

Is just so so hard to be around her if she is not centre of attention all the time .. My dad calls me the following day to ask what the problem is etc.... as I said he looks like he had aged 20 years and lost all his spark I am worried about losing him too sad

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:17:19

I love my dad I just can't find anything or actions to like about this woman I have tried she is not very bright or very bright and pretends to be stupid ( I am leaning towards the second) she keeps pick up and kissing my young children despite me asking her several times ot too. And telling them that she loves them ( they had met her twice before) She has done one better or had worse about everything it

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 17:16:53

Oh, I'd lose touch with my dad over this. It would turn my stomach, to find him so weak that he wouldn't make my brother top priority. My brother's well-being is paramount. That's what happens when you have a disabled child, or a young child, you have to put their interests first, at least for a while, when they have suffered such a bereavement. But I'd tell him this, too, how disappointed I was in him, to find him such a weakling. And then I'd walk out and seek to become power of attorney for my brother so I could look after him as obviously Dad's need for a bedwarmer was more important than he.

I really would. Grief is dire. I understand that completely. But when you have young children or a learning disabled child like this an adult knows damn well that bringing in a new warm body before their parent is even cold in the grave is going to fuck the kids up.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:10:05

I will speak to cruise thanks for the link

My mum would be devastated to see him act now. Most of her family no longer see him as he won't go anywhere without her and they are mot ready to meet new woman yet
dad didn't either bother to go to a family funeral

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