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Should i just tell this woman to fu*k the fu*k off ??

(62 Posts)
StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 14:44:15

long story short -

Mum died last year, her and dad were married 30+yrs.

Dad has new 'girlfriend' #( i say girlfriend she is much older than him...)
Dad and new 'girlfriend' been together since xmas she wanted to come xmas day.... she didnt in the end.

Girlfriend has all but moved into to dads house - moved everything around put up her own photos (of her) and pictures etc...

She put up mothers day cards from her children (this is the first mothers day without our much loved mum and to come 'home' to find cards 'to my lovley mum' on the shelf was a big tipping point for me.

girlfriend is CONSTANTLEY touching my dad when we are around holding hands hugging kissing etc.

Girlfriend dosnt like dad seeing any of his friends especially females ones were his and mums friends people he has known for over 40 yrs....

other issues we have is that my brother has serverle learning difficuties he lives in residential care but is home once a fornight for the weekend - she has started interfering with his care and despite a letter from his psycologist suguesting he should have no contact with this woman for the time he is home she is there all the time.

We have tried speaking to my dad but he will not listen the problems with my brother are brushed off as he is missing mum.....

Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself.

last straw i popped round home last night as on a monday dad sees mums nest friend (she is married and known dad 40+yrs) my sister was there as well and i had a lovley evening giggerling with her and my sister while girlfriend say on the floor and 'read' her book whilst periodically leaning up to touch dad who was on sofa...

I had 15 missed calls from my dad this morning i thouight somone had died.... no it turns out xxxxx felt really left out last night and unwelcolme and we had all done this to her ( we didnt intentially exclude her she chose not to join in with our sillyness ;)

I just want to tell this woman to fuck off -- i think that sadley my dad would chose her over me and his grandchildren so not even worth me talking to him i have tried and he just dosnt listen.

sorry for the long post this is really upsetting me and i needed to get it all down xxx

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 18:20:38

I wouldn't tell this woman to fuck off. I'd tell my dad to, not in so many words, but I'd stop taking his stupid calls and stop bringing my kids round this gal. You've already told him but the problem is, he's chosing not get it.

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 18:34:08

The reason your Dad may be looking so haggered could be because his family are so against his new relationship. It must be unelievable hurtful for him as he must feel that he is being forced to choose between people he loves.

The new girlfriend sounds a bit confused and it is not suprising that the OP doesn't like her. However it is the OP's Dad who is dating her not the OP and it is his choice. He is a grown man and it is not for other people to manage or approve his love life.

The problem with the OP's brother does need sorting out but I don't know if alienating and stressing out the OP's Dad is the best way forward. The OP's Dad sounds a bit like my Dad who closes down when faced with difficult decisions.

OP are you sure you want to risk losing your Dad over this, he must love his new partner to have stayed with her despite the rest of the families opposition.

I think OPs Dad has gone from one strong minded woman (his late wife) to another so he has someone to look after him whilst not having to make difficult decisions. He's put this lady above everyone else. He's also shut down over the issue re his son in the residential care home because he cannot make a decision on that either so does not take responsibility.

Is he really being forced to choose between people he loves because to me it seems that he has already made a choice and that is his lady friend (who is herself separated from her own H). He has chosen to act like this, he does not have to act like a muse to his svengali but he chooses to do that as well.

No wonder his children are concerned; their Dad is not the person they thought he was.

something2say Tue 19-Mar-13 18:54:08

I think it's so hard to lose more than one family member at a time really, when it could so easily be the other way round....

LaurenGB Tue 19-Mar-13 20:34:24

Hi Stinky.
Firstly, my condolences on the loss of your mum. I cannot imagine the heartache you must still be feeling just over a year on. My partner lost his father 3 years ago and is slowly but surely returning to his loving self - it does get more bearable.
I can completely understand how you would feel with such a strong minded - and what sounds like completely unsympathetic - woman moving herself in so to speak. Can I suggest you have a sit down with her? I do understand how this may sound at first, but hear it out. You are hurting from her actions, she is apparently hurting from your actions. You'd have thought that she would have opened her eyes and seen that her actions were unsensitive towards you. You would have hoped that she would have spoken to you, apologised or perhaps even made the effort to understand you. Show her the bar she needs to meet. Speak to her in a level and even tone about why you are upset and apologise for upsetting her. Your dad will understand and see you making the effort. Perhaps then you could tactfully explain about the situation with your brother and ask her opinion on how they can make this transition easier for him? Maybe ask her to visit the home and have the staff speak to her about him and his recent change in behaviour?
This is what I would like to think I would do in your situation. To keep my relationship with my parent, and to ensure that I knew I had done all I could.

Dinosaurhunter Tue 19-Mar-13 20:43:50

Op - I'm so sorry for your loss and I completely understand your pain , my own mum died 8 months ago and there is no way on earth I would accept this type of behaviour from my dad it's totally uncaring and disrespectful to your mums memory . Sorry no advice to offer but I just wanted to let you know that what your feeling is normal and you know deep down that your dad will always love you . I truley believe no one understands the loss of a parent until they have been through it x

StinkyElfCheese Wed 20-Mar-13 16:28:38

Had a nice chat on the phone with my dad today longest conversation ever - he was at work so she wasn't around

I raised my concerns about my brother with him and said that I am pleased he has found somone and want him to be happy I am saddened that he is losing contact with his old friends and family because xxx is jealous of their relationship

I am unsure as to what the future holds as he is cancelling his dinner tonight with mums best friend as he ' had to work' pretty unlikely but at least me and him have cleared the air I have again asked him to speak to xxxxxx about how uncomfortable she makes me around my children and we have planned to go round to his house on Friday for dinner with him and xxxxxx so at least he van see I am trying

FarleyD Wed 20-Mar-13 16:58:21

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum Stinky. I have been in a similar situation, and totally get where you're coming from. Generalising horribly here, but I venture to suggest those commenting that your Dad is an adult and should be allowed to make his own choices haven't been in similar situations.

Absolutely he's an adult, entitled to make his own choices. But being an adult brings with it, not just the right to make choices, it brings with it responsibilities. And in this case, the adult still has responsibilities (OP's brother), which the Dad seems to be avoiding.

Hopefully, the conversation you had with him today will be the beginning of your Dad starting to think more logically again. And, despite what your inner self may be longing to say/do, I wouldn't tell OW to fuck off. Keep your Dad on side as long as you can. Let her be the one to show herself up and demonstrate her true colours.

"But being an adult brings with it, not just the right to make choices, it brings with it responsibilities."

Yes. Quite.

primroseyellow Wed 20-Mar-13 18:46:56

Your father is a fool not to put his own family, ie his DCs including you, first. But if he can't see that .......

Lilyloo Wed 20-Mar-13 21:09:31

That sounds great. Keep all lines of communication open, he will see you are trying and whatever she chooses to do about that is up to her.

INeverSaidThat Thu 21-Mar-13 09:42:20

stinky. That sounds like a really good phone call. I think it's nice that you are seeing them on Friday. Your DF must be pleased. I am sure he understands why you are finding it difficult but it must be nice for him to know that you are still there for him. On Friday, perhaps you can keep the evening simple and just chat about nothing (the weather, kids etc) Everyone's nerves are still on edge and I guess it might be a good idea to take things slowly and gently IYSWIM. I hope his girlfriend behaves confused

I hope you get the situation with your brother sorted out.

Good luck

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