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Should i just tell this woman to fu*k the fu*k off ??

(62 Posts)
StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 14:44:15

long story short -

Mum died last year, her and dad were married 30+yrs.

Dad has new 'girlfriend' #( i say girlfriend she is much older than him...)
Dad and new 'girlfriend' been together since xmas she wanted to come xmas day.... she didnt in the end.

Girlfriend has all but moved into to dads house - moved everything around put up her own photos (of her) and pictures etc...

She put up mothers day cards from her children (this is the first mothers day without our much loved mum and to come 'home' to find cards 'to my lovley mum' on the shelf was a big tipping point for me.

girlfriend is CONSTANTLEY touching my dad when we are around holding hands hugging kissing etc.

Girlfriend dosnt like dad seeing any of his friends especially females ones were his and mums friends people he has known for over 40 yrs....

other issues we have is that my brother has serverle learning difficuties he lives in residential care but is home once a fornight for the weekend - she has started interfering with his care and despite a letter from his psycologist suguesting he should have no contact with this woman for the time he is home she is there all the time.

We have tried speaking to my dad but he will not listen the problems with my brother are brushed off as he is missing mum.....

Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself.

last straw i popped round home last night as on a monday dad sees mums nest friend (she is married and known dad 40+yrs) my sister was there as well and i had a lovley evening giggerling with her and my sister while girlfriend say on the floor and 'read' her book whilst periodically leaning up to touch dad who was on sofa...

I had 15 missed calls from my dad this morning i thouight somone had died.... no it turns out xxxxx felt really left out last night and unwelcolme and we had all done this to her ( we didnt intentially exclude her she chose not to join in with our sillyness ;)

I just want to tell this woman to fuck off -- i think that sadley my dad would chose her over me and his grandchildren so not even worth me talking to him i have tried and he just dosnt listen.

sorry for the long post this is really upsetting me and i needed to get it all down xxx

mungotracy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:49:25

Its your dads house, its his life, you dont live there. "HOW DARE SHE PUT UP CARDS FROM HER CHILDREN".... "SHE TOUCHES HIM"...do you have any idea how very unreasonable you sound?...... if you were a child living in the house it might be different...you aren't.

ArseAche Tue 19-Mar-13 14:50:59

I reckon you should. She sounds a clingy, needy stupid woman. And hopefully your dad will come to his senses soon enough. Once he has lost all his friends and family.

bigbuttons Tue 19-Mar-13 14:51:18

I think you are angry that your dad has 'replaced' your mum. The est thing, certainly the most adult thing, you can do is get on with her.

ArseAche Tue 19-Mar-13 14:52:12

mungo - I think you are being a tad harsh on the OP. This woman has taken over their lives, not just the dad.

ArseAche Tue 19-Mar-13 14:53:29

You could just talk about your mum ALOT in front of her. That will make her feel uncomfortable.

pausingforbreath Tue 19-Mar-13 14:54:32

Sorry for the loss of your Mum.
I can't give you a long answer now ( school run imminent ) , but will come back later.
Short answer ; no. However tempting and painful it is having her in your face- this will just give her 'ammunition' to use against you.

I had very, very similar when I lost my Mum.

I have sadly the t shirt :-(.

I lost Dad last year too, so longer in the situation - but PM ; me a wealth of pain and bitter experience - but I survived it and am still smiling ;-)

Good luck

PandaNot Tue 19-Mar-13 14:55:38

Only tell her that if you want to ruin your relationship with your dad forever! He's an adult, he makes his own choices, nothing to do with you. You might be his daughter but you are not a child. Act like an adult.

Dahlen Tue 19-Mar-13 14:56:01

I can see why you're having misgivings. It seems as though your dad's relationship has moved very fast and the new GF is displaying several red flags in terms of her behaviour.

However, this is not a situation you can win by putting your dad in a situation where he has to choose. Your best bet is to bide your time. Make an effort with his GF so that you cannot be reproached for your behaviour. It will make hers seem more unreasonable. Take care not to criticise her as a person, but if she does something that upsets your dad or your brother, say you don't like seeing them upset and why you feel her behaviour is wrong.

Your father is probably still grieving and lonely. This woman is fulfilling a need he has and he is probably unable to see things without a cloud of emotion in the way. Eventually, that will subside and he will start seeing things clearly again. When that time comes, your opinion and support will count for a lot, but he won't even call on it if you have managed to alienate yourselves before then.

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:56:22

OW sounds insecure and pushy. But your Dad sounds a walkover so not much you can do.

OW possibly wants you out of the way. I would say this to Dad.
V sad for family.

Is there a will or anything if anything should happen to him?

Timetoask Tue 19-Mar-13 14:57:55

She sounds incredibly insensitive considering your mum only passed away last year. She is invading your mum's space.
Unfortunately, your dad deserves to have company, and if he found someone to look after him, then it is a good thing, right? So I think you will need to put up with it for the sake of your dad.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 19-Mar-13 15:00:46

Wow. Some harsh posts here! OP's mum only died last year and her feelings are completely understandable, have a heart!

OP - I understand the way you are feeling. What your dad is doing is very, very insensitive to you and your siblings.

However - as you probably know, people deal with their grief in different ways. It is not at all uncommon for people who've been married a long time to jump right into a new relationship within months of being widowed.

I don't think there's anything you can do about it, but I am really, really sorry that you've lost your mum (so have I) and I hope you find a way to either be polite to your dad's new friend (who sounds as though she is very, very threatened by your dad's life with your mum, and very jealous of you and your siblings), or to keep your distance, without distressing yourself too much. Have you contacted Cruse? - they are excellent. www.cruse.org.uk.

Oh - and don't tell her to fuck the fuck off grin .... Just say it in your head x

"Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself".

This could well be the crux of the issue. He is also a big part of the problem here; he has chosen to be with someone who is quite happy to be his constant companion. However, his constant companion is needy and jealous of any relationship that is not him and her.

Its not just this woman at fault though, its your Dad too.

He has chosen to act like this for his own selfish reasons and not just because of her; he has made a damaging choice for his own self (one he may well yet regret) and he does not have to act like a muse to her svengali like influence. He gets what he wants out of their relationship. It would not surprise me at all if your Dad went on to marry her very quickly as well.

I would arrange a meeting with your Brother's residential carers asap if you have not already done so.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 19-Mar-13 15:01:53

Sorry here's the link properly: www.cruse.org.uk

AmberLeaf Tue 19-Mar-13 15:04:44

OW? she isn't the other woman though is she?

OP sorry about your Mum, it must be very difficult.

Not sure what you can do, I wouldn't tell her to fuck off as that will probably just mean your Dad is in a difficult position as referee and from what you say he is not strong minded and will probably go with her flow.

It sounds very rushed, but what can you do? not much tbh, your Dad is an adult.

The bit about your brother is more worrying, did the psychologist really say she shouldn't be there when he visits?

Owllady Tue 19-Mar-13 15:10:16

Does your Dad's partner not understand about your brother? surely your brothers well being should be of paramount importance?

I can see why you are upset. It sounds like your Dad has really rushed into things, maybe through his own grief too. I'm sorry. It all sounds very difficult sad

mungotracy Tue 19-Mar-13 15:11:31

ArseAche.....

Thats the OPS view, its not borne out by any evidence..... The woman (her fathers partner incidentally) ha not taken over their lives at all. She does not impinge on their home or their families she is only present at her own home with her own partner...... frankly as an adult her father relationships have nothing at all to do with her.

Owllady Tue 19-Mar-13 15:14:12

no, but the life of her vulnerable brother IS her business sad

catyloopylou Tue 19-Mar-13 15:15:49

What Dahlen said.

This sounds similar to what my cousin went through after my aunt passed away. My uncle (cousin's dad) started seeing someone, got married, cousin pushed out but kept making an effort on the surface to keep the peace after being told by her dad that new wife was finding it difficult.

Fast forward some years to uncle dying, cousin doing much of the caring despite difficulties with her own family, uncle's wife not leaving him alone with any family member when they came to visit. Uncle was planning to change his will to leave some property to cousin and had told other people this, but died before he did so, leaving everything to his wife and nothing at all to his children. Wife said she was penniless so couldn't give them any money from the 3 houses she now owned and was generally a two faced bitch. She has 3 grown up children of her own and is planning to leave all "her" money to them.

I know that sounds bitter but it's been so hard for my cousins and my mum (uncle's sister) to stand by and hold their tongues as he was dying, then to remain civil to the widow as she refused to honour my uncle's wishes as they were not written down.

Moral of this long story is whatever you do it will be the wrong thing, but if you want any sort of relationship with your dad you need to keep the peace and okay along, at least on the surface, else OW will find a way UK push you out.

catyloopylou Tue 19-Mar-13 15:17:07

PLAY along, not okay along

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 15:18:21

Tricky situation.

I think you have to tread carefully. You dad may well get a lot more comfort and happiness from this relationship than you think. I would try and be as open to it as possible as I think you could easily fall out with him. It is his house and his life after all.
I think it is ok for your DF's girlfriend to put up Mother's Day cards. It may have been insensitive but it is understandable.
I also think the fact the girlfriend touches your Dad is non of your business although I quite understand how uncomfortable this would make you feel.

I don't see it that she is invading. Your Dad has invited her in. She wants her there. It isn't up to you.

So, YABU (although it is very understandable)

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 15:19:25

Sorry, but I'd cut my dad out of my life if he did this. Sure, he's an adult and all, but I don't have patience for weak, lily-livered people who find replacements in a wink because they are so weak. And that's just what it is. I'd just gradually stop going round.

I reckon too that any photos of his previous life i.e any with his late wife have been removed by this woman.

Stoney666 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:23:22

something similar happened when my mum died and dad was remarried within 14 months
I understand completely how u feel and 12 years later its still very hard but she looks after my dad and we all work full time so would struggle to be there all the time. they are in the late 80s now and I think for him it was right. They are companions they were both lonely. Men don't cope well on their own. Item hard to grin and bare it,at be even try to be her friend? nobody will replace our mums but don't lose your dad as well hmm

PandaNot Tue 19-Mar-13 15:50:02

My MIL was the 'other woman' in this scenario. They got married after 5 months of being together. Twenty years later they are still blissfully happy. However it ruined his relationship with his daughters forever. Be careful what you say if you still want to have a relationship with him.

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