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why am I so angry about something that happened when I was 8??(29 Posts)
A couple of weeks ago, I posted asking if someone could help find an article regarding a family member leaving her kids for the local vicar.
Long story short that was my mum. We were the kids she left behind.
y mum did come back, after my dad cut off the joint credit card, she came back because my dad earned more money than the disgraced vicar did/ could.
She continued with family life for another few years, before shefinally left my dad for the last person who had shown her love by sleeping with her. She hasn't changed.
What I don't understand is, why am I so angry?? I've known about her going off with the vicar for years but I've only just found out about her leaving me and my brother behind and herreasons for coming back.
I'm so bloody angry about it but I'm confused about why.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense but I'm rather sleep deprived at the mo.
Shro- my mum seems to have forgiven herself for every affair and every "little thing" that we bring up regarding our childhood.
Dededum - thank you so much for sharing your dh's story. Wow, sounds to me like my mum and her could be very good friends!!
My "step dad" (the latest in a long line of men she's had since my dad and this one is only 7yrs older than me and him m my mum play happy families with his kids every weekend and then my mum gets drunk and tells him she hates his kids and makes him pay her back for anyminor amounts of money she's spent on them... This is apparently a healthy relationship!!!) has called me and told me that my mum is apparently going to go for access to dd1 and possibly custody!!! hahahaha wtaf!!!! I honestly don't believe for a second she would but I'm not in the slightest concerned she'll get anywhere with it.
Made my Sunday night a lot more fun though!! Me and dh didn't stop laughing for about an hour!
My DH's mum left the kids (11,9,7) and went off with the reserve goalkeeper. Despite living in the same village from what DH said basically deserted her children. His dad was an uneducated man and struggled. DH drifted out of education, his family etc.. and hitched down to London. Fast forward 20 years and I met DH, having not seen his family for all that time, he contacted his family and finally his mum again. They are now in contact, she has moved on and doesn't appear to have any guilt. The only way she can deal with it, is make herself the victim. No doubt she was very unhappy and saw no way out.
Anyway, DH after some counselling has 'forgiven her', he can't control how she behaves or her seeming lack of guilt but he can control how he views the past and his relation with her. He will never have a close relationship with her, the odd christmas card but forgiving her has allowed him to live his life and love our children.
There is hope, but importantly the solution is within you, it has nothing to do with your mum.
In my own case, I knew a lot of stuff intellectually but never processed the emotional impact. When that hit the fan - bit of a nightmare. Strongly advise counselling to pre-empt that
It sounds like she has forgiven herself! that is whatwould trouble me. she has to acknowledge the past, or it will be her ongoing failure, never behind her, never truly in 'the past'. and yet, from her pov, it is all in the past and she has forgiven herself.
A group of friends and I were talking about this last night. I think when you have your own children and you are so overwhelmed with love for them and a desire to protect them it makes you question you own mother.
You couldn't believe your mother could leave you, I couldn't believe my mother could emotionally abuse me and chip away at my self esteem like she did, another friends mother was abused yet still left her daughter with the abuser for it to happen to her. All unbelievable to us as caring mothers.
I think it is very natural to be so angry, she sounds like she let you down then, which would have hurt, but she is also hurting the adult you by not acknowledging that hurt.
I think you are right to see a counsellor. In the meantime try to get your feelings out, perhaps by painting/drawing/writing about them, anything. Just to give that anger a voice will help a little.
That ball of anger is very understandable.
I'm very lucky to have an amazing dh and 2 very beautiful daughters.
I'm unlucky to have a mother like mine but that's part of life, theres always one to spoil the party!
I still have a little ball of fury in my stomach and it has its moments. I'm still trying to find the article... It might sound silly but it's something I feel I need to do.
I think it's time to put my efforts into Sunday lunch.
She wasn't there for you, pure and simple.
We parents aren't perfect & we let our kids down all the time. But part of the pact is that we overwhelmingly put our kids first. She broke the unwritten rules.
I think that if you let yourself work thru the fury you might come to some kind of peace with her, one day, many years from now. But you're a long way from that point (understandably).
So glad you have a lovely DH and a supportive family mousey. Good luck!
That's a great response from your DH, well done him.
I have done now. I cant be bothered with her now.
Shes obviously not bothered about my dd2 and only concerned with dd1. She doesn't even know I'm pg again and as far as I'm concerned she won't know. My brothers have said they won't tell her.
I was talking about this to my dh last night and he said he gets why I'm so angry and will help me to try and work through this in my head and if I need to speak to someone about this then he will find a way for us to afford it.
I'm so glad he gets it!!
Please block her on Facebook at least - you really don't need her having a way of intruding into your personal space whenever she wants to.
Thank you again for further replies. I think a counselor might be an idea. I don't know how I'm going to afford one but I'll have to work something out. I need to get this out and work out how to move forward. My mother is beyond useless and my dad won't talk.
Tribpot, I've tried to find the article and I've had some mumsnet help too but so far we've had no luck. I was hoping to find it so my brother could show it her and prove that we know. I can't even be near her at the moment.
My mum has messaged me on facebook this evening asking if she can see dd1 no mention of dd2.. She didnt even ask if she was ok.. I'm not responding and will not be responding to anything further from her. I'm too angry!!
OP, did you manage to find the article?
Your dad sounds lovely. I'm really glad you have one lovely parent.
I think you're looking at your little soft cuddly baby and asking yourself how anyone could leave their precious child. I'd be willing to bet it will all surge up again when your DD is around 8. Unfortunately some people just don't have those kind of maternal feelings or sense of responsibility; even more unfortunately, fertility is not related to suitability for parenthood, so that some people who are shit parent material still have children whilst others who would be brilliant at it don't get the chance. Nature sucks sometimes.
Counselling could be good, with the right counsellor.
You're angry because you were rejected; you weren't important enough to your mother for her to stay, her reasons for returning had nothing to do with 'love' for her children. That hurts!
Get some help in RL, parental betrayal can wreck your life if you let it.
I don't think there's anything unreasonable about being so hurt about something that happened when you were 8. How could you not?
I suspect as you process the enormity of change that your dd has brought into your life you will inevitably wonder how anyone could do such a thing. Even though I suspect she did you a favour rather than dragging you after one partner then another, as is often the case with the children of such extraordinarily selfish parents.
Have you found the newspaper article? I would make some copies and send one to her, so that she knows she's been rumbled good and proper. Although then I would probably cut her out of my life for good - she sounds dreadful.
Main thing now as the others have said is not to let this fester but get yourself some help to deal with the feelings.
My situation was different, but my dad left for a short while when I was around the same age. It's caused me a lot of emotional problems, and I have certainly become more angry about it since I had DS.
It is okay to be angry because what she did was wrong, and it hurt you. It doesn't matter when it happened, or even why, but it did, and it has hurt. Don't question your emotional reaction to something, because not only are emotional reactions beyond control, but it's a totally logical one to have.
Would really recommend finding someone professional to work it through with. Am still struggling with all the issues my dad leaving has caused, but speaking to someone has helped with the progress. CBT or CAT could be really useful.
Poor you. Things like this still have the power to hurt us as adults, and often having children yourself can bring out suppressed feelings/hurts from many years ago as you become a parent yourself.
I think, as your Dad isn't willing to talk about it, finding a good counsellor would be helpful, but that's your call.
Thank you all for your replies, I found out about her leaving us thanks to meeting an old friend of my mum's and she mentioned something that didn't add up about my childhood so I asked my dad. He told me she left and she admitted to only coming back due to money. Not for the love of her children or anything else. My dad was so desperately in love with her, he thought he could make her love him and us again.
My dad was gutted I'd found out and has admitted that he's covered it up and now refuses to talk about it again. I can understand my dad's point of view. He did everything in his power and it didn't work.
My mother on the other hand... Well, she's very toxic, she only thinks of herself. If she gets something out of doing something for someone she'll do it, if it's purely to help someone you've got no chance!
With dd2 I had her 5 months ago and I've not even seen her yet, she's not asked if I'm ok or if the baby is so I have no contact with her. I never realised just how much crap I had to deal with off her. My life has been so much quieter!!
My brother has mentioned the vicar thing to my mum and she denied the whole thing happened. He told her he knew it was front page news and she said we had made it up and we're trying to cause problems... No we just want to hear it from you!!
Izzy- I meant the latest in a long line if extra marital affairs, just the latest guy to shower her with gifts and make her feel special... My dad was doing the same but apparently that was "suffocating" her.
Thank you all again.
I took it that the OP was referring to another affair with a different, later man.
I'd also wonder whether the anger has surfaced now because you've had a child and have heard some more truths recently.
It's understandable to be angry, but try not to judge her any more harshly than you would have judged your father if he'd done the same. Mothers get a much harder time than fathers for leaving their children and it's not fair. Both mothers and fathers should get a hard time when they put their own selfish needs before their children's.
It makes total sense that you're angry. Kids tend to accept situations but when you get older and start looking at things from an adult's point of view, all sorts of issues arise. As has already been said, perhaps some counselling may help. You may never understand her actions, but it may well help you to let go of the anger.
You say you've known for years about your dm going off with the vicar, presumably when you were 8, but who has so recently told you that she left you and your db behind and that she only came back because your df earned more than the vicar?l
You also say she finally left my dad for the last person who had shown her love by sleeping with her.
I'm confused. Wouldn't the 'last person who had shown her love by sleeping with her' before she left be your dad, or did he not sleep with her or show her any love following her, again presumably, brief affair with the vicar?
Do you have a relationship with your dm? Have you talked to her about these matters and is she still with 'the last person' who showed her love?
i'm just a stranger on the internet who knows jack shit.
but if i imagine that this happened to me i'd be angry that my mum abandoned me and she hasn't atoned for that. i'd partly feel that i'd been rejected and left behind. at first glance she sounds colossally selfish.
this is all unresolved because (i think) it doesn't make sense to you. how could someone do that? you're hurt and angry. she let you down badly. very, very badly.
but think about whether she WAS in a loveless marriage and felt trapped. she did try to find love. couldn't cope with having children. depressed? did she have a tough childhood that she had unresolved issues from? did she marry too young to escape an unhappy home? i don't know, i'm trying to see this from her side.
sorry i can't be of more help. there are so many wise people on here though. keep posting.
I would imagine - not being a psychologist- that you are possibly experiencing a lot of the turmoil you didn't understand as a child.
If you feel it would help, maybe you should think about talking it over with someone?
Must be upsetting to discover all these things. <<un MN hugs>>
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