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AIBU wanting DP to leave

(24 Posts)
whataremyoptions Fri 08-Mar-13 17:06:55

Our relationship has not been good for a long time. DP has self-diagnosed borderline personality disorder and from what I've read on here and elsewhere, I believe it could be fairly accurate. I walk on eggshells, never knowing when the Hyde side of DP will appear. We can have days of things being good, even great and then suddenly, DP explodes, telling the children to shut up (4 and nearly 2) or go away, hiding away in the bedroom or study, smoking weed day and night (normally this is just an evening thing), calling me every name under the sun. When things are really bad, DP self-harms - banging head against door, smashing face up, cutting, etc. and smashing things.
I am not entirely blame free of course having been too busy to really give much to the relationship - first with work, then work and a difficult pregnancy, then two small children and now other interests and two small children. But I like to be busy and guess the longer it's gone on the more I've wanted to keep busy rather than face up to things.
The last few weeks have been really bad and DP exploded when I was getting DD1 ready for school and it ended with me taking both DC out of the house in tears as they were scared shitless. Seeing them like that was the final straw. Yes, I am at fault here too, and I should have done more, but I can at least pretty much keep it together so the kids don't see it. But DP can't and that is no longer acceptable.
I feel terrible at wanting to end things and DP is guilting me by threatening suicide and saying it's alright for me as I get to keep everything while they're left with nothing (which is true to an extent as I have family and guess I'll keep the house for the children's sake), but it's not my irrational behaviour that is causing this so I think I am justified in going down this road.
I've offered support with the emotional/mental health problems and am trying to encourage professional help, but that is not my decision to make.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 17:37:36

Self-diagnosed, eh? He may or may not have a personality disorder but that's entirely for a doctor to decide - which I assume he hasn't bothered to do. What is not in question is that you're living with a nasty piece of work.

How is he with other people in his life? Boss, friends, shop assistants, for example. Does he 'explode' at them all the time? I bet you a tenner the answer to that question is 'no'.... which means that he is choosing to behave this way at home. Bullying women and children make him a cowardly shit. Personality disorder my arse.

You are fully justified in getting out of this abusive relationship. It is not your fault that you picked a bully for a partner. If he commits suicide that would be entirely his choice. Please keep yourself and your children safe.

TisILeclerc Fri 08-Mar-13 18:27:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mowzer Fri 08-Mar-13 19:18:11

Of course you aren't being unreasonable! Living with hikm must be horrific.

And if he threatens suicide you could call for an ambulance, then he might get the help he needs.

mummytime Belgium Fri 08-Mar-13 20:01:51

I know someone with properly diagnosed borderline personality disorder, they may have before getting proper treatment, tried to self-medicate with weed; but I think she would say that before she sought help, she was not someone you would want to be around. I also don't think she intends to have kids as it wouldn't be fair on them.

If he does self-harm then do phone 999, but make it clear you cannot take responsibility for him.

Do protect your children.

Have a word with the local police DV unit on the non-emergency number, they will come and remove him for you. Don't worry about the suicide threats, dickheads like this are never obliging enough to actually die and get out of your hair. (And if he does try some sort of dramatic suicide attempt, cock it up and manage to die, well, good riddance.)

whataremyoptions Fri 08-Mar-13 20:44:08

Wow! I must admit that although I can't stand DP when the bad stuff happens, it isn't all bad all the time and we can get along really well. there's no threat to my safety other than by mistake so I wouldn't class this as dv. I just don't think I can take the emotional rollercoaster anymore. I want us to be friends but the way things are going even that looks unlikely now. and the weed is just a lifelong habit that gets worse when things between us are bad. otherwise it's a twice an evening thing in the garden.

Flisspaps Fri 08-Mar-13 21:01:22

If you're having to leave the house because your children are terrified, because he's flipped then it is abuse, just because he's not punched anyone yet doesn't mean the police DV team won't be able to help.

Abusers all have their nice moments, otherwise it'd be far easier to see them for what they really are.

YANBU for wanting him to go. It's absolutely the right thing for you and your DC.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 08-Mar-13 21:07:58

My ex told me he was going to commit suicide I told him to let me know if he needed any help. Twunt.

Of course it isn't bad all the time or you wouldn't have stayed put.

Sorry to say this OP but you're with a wrong'un there.

What do you mean by no threat to you other than by mistake?

whataremyoptions Fri 08-Mar-13 21:25:20

like when something smashes and a bit flies in my direction. or the door falls off from being slammed too much. so far nothing has happened but these things had the potential to harm one of us (the door just missed my small baby one time for example).
oddly despite getting up in the middle of the night DP has been quite calm and reasonable today. which makes me feel like a bitch saying this stuff.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 08-Mar-13 21:30:48

It's him not you OP.

You really do need to get away from him.

Your children are already beginning to act like he does. Do you want them to end up the same? To treat their spouses like he does?

This is not on is it?

What would you say to a friend who had told you what you have just said?

Flisspaps Fri 08-Mar-13 21:32:14

But even accidentally, that's not normal. That's not a safe or happy atmosphere for your children - remember that if you waver.

mowzer Fri 08-Mar-13 21:34:19

That's not ok at all! Make a list, now, of all the things that put you and your kids at risk. Look at this when you doubt yourself because he is being calm. Will he leave voluntarily if you insist? Have you got some real life support? Safety for your kids and yourself has to be number one. Get rid quickly.

whataremyoptions, it strikes me that you are altogether too quick to take the blame on yourself for his behaviour - twice in your OP, you've done so ( "I am not entirely blame free of course" and ^"Yes, I am at fault here too"^). Why is that? Does he tell you he wouldn't be like that if you weren't like that? Because it's really not true. His behaviour is his responsibility. Nothing you have done has made him do what he has done.

cestlavielife Fri 08-Mar-13 23:30:09

It isn't worth the risk of accident is it ?
Why put your ds thru that ? It isn't fair on them.

If you truly believe you are somehow ever responsible then even more reason to live separately so the dc do not have to be scared.

Call 999 when he self harms or is aggressive get it recorded and get police and or medics involved.

This way yes there will be an accident one day harming you or one of the dc.

Take action, move out or have him move out.

cestlavielife Fri 08-Mar-13 23:41:12

Brit I agree with above his behaviour is not your fault.
However it is your responsibility to take action to protect your dc. This is not a nice environment.

The. Only things I regret about dealing with someone who smashes things, threatens suicide etc is not calling 999 sooner and having others address his issues. Is his gp aware of his self harm etc? Have you told anyone about his behaviour?

Also it.s ok to protect and keep from dc but don't then keep it from gp or police or hv or others who can help you.... Now the dc have been scared shitless take that as yes the last straw and ask him to leave, now.

peeriebear Fri 08-Mar-13 23:46:24

Just pointing out the DP is not necessarily a man.
When the children are being scared shitless, it's definitely time to end the relationship.

mantlepiece Fri 08-Mar-13 23:50:31

YANBU for wanting him to leave.

The way you describe your life with him is truly terrible.

However your follow on posts suggest you don't want him to leave.

I think what you really want is for him to change.

In my opinion that will be impossible for him to do.

You can change yourself by deciding what kind of future you want for yourself and your children and making that happen, and there is tons of help out there to help you do that.

The hardest thing is making the decision and meaning it, after that things will become much easier.

Have a good think, soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 09-Mar-13 07:02:04

"there's no threat to my safety other than by mistake so I wouldn't class this as dv"

It's abusive behaviour that is frightening you and your children. You don't have to have a black eye to be the victim of Domestic Abuse. Emotional Abuse is very common. Living with an abuser means you become de-sensitised over time.... you start to think it's not so bad or even relatively normal. Judgement can get skewed. Abusers are rarely monsters 24/7 but cycle between good behaviour and bad behaviour.... trusting that their partner will hope for the good enough to keep forgiving the bad. Team it up with the convenient self-diagnosis of a 'disorder', self-harm threats, violent outbursts, smashing things... you have a classic abuser.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 09-Mar-13 07:04:23

(From the Womens Aid website) What are the signs of domestic violence?

- Destructive criticism and *verbal abuse*: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
- Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
- Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
- Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
- Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
- Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
-Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
- Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
- Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
- Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

SignoraStronza Sat 09-Mar-13 07:21:29

I have an ex just like that. The final straw came when, during one of his tantrums, the heavy item he lobbed in rage hit our toddler and caused her to fall over, banging her head against the door frame. Thankfully, bar a lump and a bruise, she wasn't seriously injured.

I reported it to the police, vowed to leave and never looked back. I was terrified that he'd 'accidentally' do something a lot more serious. Strangely enough, in the month I spent getting my stuff/act together he was capable of behaving himself beautifully.

It really shook me when a hv in this country told me that had we been living like this in the UK, my dc would almost certainly be on the at risk register.

Please get out of there for the sake of your young children. I didn't realise how much witnessing all this had affected dc until she changed from such an angry and unhappy two year old to the child she is today. I still feel guilt that I didn't get her out sooner.

Also (and this sounds awfully politically incorrect), it often seems like bpd is used as an excuse for abusive bastard. Where he has it or not (and I was convinced that if only ex got help yada yada...) it is the BEHAVIOUR you have to look at and this is domestic abuse, pure and simple.

SignoraStronza Sat 09-Mar-13 07:25:25

Oh yes, and threatening suicide is DESIGNED to guilt you into staying. Once I'd hardened to him I used to tell him to go off and do it quietly then - give us all a break. The ones who talk about it rarely do - the threat is used as a control weapon.

whataremyoptions Thu 14-Mar-13 01:58:53

so things have moved on a bit. DP finally saw Dr and expecting a call. great?
on Tuesday was being all grumpy and giving me silent treatment but when I mentioned it, flipped and called me an uncaring bitch who didn't give a shit about how they felt. escalated to lots of crying, saying they're too crazy and fucked up to help. I said I couldn't help and didn't deserve to be blamed and abused constantly. DP denied this is what happens.
went out with kids for the day. got home, more silent treatment. eventually I flipped getting into bed as I've had enough.
long talk with lots of I'm too fucked up for help comments. then absolutely fine in the morning. cheerful and acting as if nothing had happened. even insisted we all go out for lunch. this person who was such a mess they apparently can't leave the house.
and I'm expected to just go along with all this. act like loving wife. but I'm not. I want out. DP won't/can't leave. nowhere to go, no job, no money, no friends. I have no job as DP refuses to look after kids full time. won't take them out, etc.
I'm absolutely exhausted. DP got up to go through to DD and I immediately assumed it was another mood. now lying here awake and miserable wondering if I'll ever be able to get away from all this.

FairPhyllis Thu 14-Mar-13 02:27:22

You know the emotional rollercoaster you describe? DP keeping you on that rollercoaster IS domestic violence. Women's Aid, police, GP, HV are all resources that can help you get off it and give your children a calm, safe home environment.

You don't have to say DP's sex if you don't want to, but if DP is a woman that doesn't make it any less a case of DV. You won't be taken any less seriously. Are you worried that people won't believe you or will try to persuade you to put up with it if you tell them DP is like this?

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