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Relationships

My friend's fiance is cheating on her and she doesn't know.

32 replies

EuroShopperEnergyDrink · 07/03/2013 01:11

Nightmare situation, sorry if it's a little bit garbled.

My best friend who is a few years younger than me has had a rather troubled life, when she was 14 she moved in with me and DM as opposed to living with her own family. She has dated a string of nobends throughout her teenage years, but about a year and a half met her now-fiance who she loves to death. She moved in with him about 6 months ago after a year dating. We had concerns about her being only 19 and rather unsettled about jumping the gun and moving him with him, but we all had her fingers crossed that it would be okay. And for a while it was! She goes to university and has a part-time job and seems to be very independent outside the relationship in terms of nights out with friends, ect. that it all seemed very healthy- and boyfriend made her seem settled and loved in a way that she hadn't felt any more. We were all really pleased. He proposed 2 months ago and since then she has put a deposit down on a venue for this summer and bought her dress and is so so so so so happy. Although we felt this was all a bit rushed, it's not our place to judge- and she seemed ridiculously pleased.

However, even though I live about an hour away now due to my postgrad studies- I seem to have gained some unpleasant news from friends back home that I really wish I didn't know :(

2 of our close friends were at a gathering at someone's house and found friend's fiance in bed, naked with another girl. When they kicked off and questioned him 'aren't you X's fiance?' he sniggered and said the girl next to him had never asked if he was attached.

This was about 3 weeks ago. The 2 friends who caught him out have only made on attempt to tell her what was going on when they went round for lunch one day, and was greeted with my poor best friend swishing around in her wedding dress deliriously happy. Deep down we all know that she wouldn't believe us and would stay with him anyway.

We are all confused as to what to do next. I want to tell her, her sexual health is at risk and she is a lovely girl who doesn't deserve to be made a fool of by this man- let alone be tied down to him for years to come.

But at the same time, she won't thank us for telling her, we'll be lying, he'll worm his way out of it, she'll stay with him.

Also even if I really want to tell her, it can't come from me- as I didn't see it. It would be merely hearsay.

I hope that's not too garbled. Please help us make some light of the situation.

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AThingInYourLife · 07/03/2013 01:19

Of course it can come from you. You're not in an American courtroom drama.

Are you really going to let a 19 year old marry a bloke who two times her so publicly without at least warning her?

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EuroShopperEnergyDrink · 07/03/2013 01:26

The thing is, my contact has been really erratic since I moved for my course that she doesn't quite understand. I upset her by not inviting her on my birthday weekend with my coursemates and generally being terrible at staying in touch. Also can't make it home for her birthday so have just been a horrible friend :(

She would see me as gossiping and shit-stirring, honestly. It would be a different case if I had seen it with my very eyes.

I spoke to my mum (who lived with her) about what to do, and she's stumped as well and gutted for her. Especially as they met for coffee a few weeks ago and she stated that uni is hard and work is depressing and her life is horrible and the only thing keeping her going is her fiance.

I hate him so so much

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NandH · 07/03/2013 01:34

tell her :(

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shockedtohell · 07/03/2013 04:21

Not a nice situation at all. If you don't want to to be the one to tell her face to face at least send her a letter write all the information down and if possible name the lady as she might want to ask that way she knows. You don't need to sign it off but at least she will know.

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4amInsomniac · 07/03/2013 04:32

You may be right that she talks it down and stays with him. That would be her decision, as an adult. Your decision, imho, must be to tell her so she is making a decision based on all the facts.

I think you would want to know if someone was making a fool of you.

Even if it doesn't change things immediately, it well probably form part of her decision to drop him at some point. Will she thank you for it? Not now, maybe one day, but it doesn't sound like you are very close now.

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izzyizin · 07/03/2013 05:47

Not for the first time, I'm inclined to the view that there is a case to be made for anonymous letters which cite chapter and verse of indiscretions of this nature while allowing the informant to join the commiserating throng without detection until such time as the betrayed party has moved on and is equally, if not more, deliriously happy with a partner who is unequivocably worthy of their love which may, in turn, inspire them to express themselves as being godalmighty grateful to the concerned soul they once cursed for wrecking their relationship with what they misguidedly thought was 'the one'... cue centre stage bow, or not.

FWIW, I vote with the 'nots' as I regard some matters as being entirely between myself and my conscience and thus they will remain for ever more.

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lucidlady · 07/03/2013 06:57

You have to tell her. Imagine she found out you knew and didn't say a word - wouldn't that be more damaging for your relationship?

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scaevola · 07/03/2013 07:04

There's another thread running on 'should you tell' - different circumstances, and on that one, opinion is divided with probably slightly more tending to the "don't".

If I knew for sure, really sure, then I think not telling means collude in the lies and secrecy (often the most hurtful and harmful part of infidelity). And for the betrayed party to find out later that people knew and didn't tell will be a further hurt.

The damage is done by the infidelity, not the discovery of it.

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AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 07:25

In this scenario, I would tell what I know

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2013 07:30

"But at the same time, she won't thank us for telling her, we'll be lying, he'll worm his way out of it, she'll stay with him."

I'm another that would normally say 'stay out of it' and I think your anticipation of her response is dead accurate. She sounds a very silly girl and isn't listening to common-sense or she wouldn't be getting married at 19 in the first place. However, the boyfriend is not making any attempts to hide his behaviour, it's going to get back to her the way it got to you and I don't think you'll lose anything by telling. But say it just the once and then leave her to it.

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newbiefrugalgal · 07/03/2013 07:31

What would you want to happen if it was you?

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DumSpiroSpero · 07/03/2013 07:36

Would it be better coming from your mum?

She's taken a parental kind of role in your friend's life, is more mature and has no reason to stir.

Might be that even if your friend blew a gasket initially, once she's got over the shock she would be more likely to take it on board.

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Kione · 07/03/2013 07:47

I would like to know. Tell' her and then she can decide that she doesn't believe you, but deep down she will.
Now, is there no possibility at all that these two other girls are shit stirrers? I'd be very very careful with that...

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HollyMadison · 07/03/2013 07:56

I think you should tell what you have heard in a caring, face to face manner. And in a non-judgmental way (non-judgmental of her reaction). Tell her you will not tell another soul, lessening the potential for more public humiliation.

I've been cheated on and I would have appreciated this approach. You don't need to have seen something with your own eyes.

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Saltpig · 07/03/2013 08:30

If you decide to tell her yourself OP please don't write an anonymous letter. She is less likely to believe it than if it's told by someone who took her in and gave her a family.

This is not a secret that you are keeping - already at least three other people know what this twunt is like and what he's doing.

I'm with AF - in this case I would tell and take the consequences.

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bringbacksideburns · 07/03/2013 08:34

I think it would be better coming from your mum too. Best to hurt her now before the wedding than she goes ahead with it all and then finds out after children etc

She is more inclined to listen to her and not think she is stirring, has an agenda etc Maybe you could do it together. But make sure it's completely true and you do have all the facts.

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 07/03/2013 09:21

Omg tell the poor woman!

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ParmaViolette · 07/03/2013 09:48

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clam · 07/03/2013 11:46

I think you have to tell her. If she decides to stay with him, then at least she's doing so knowing what she's dealing with, even if she's in denial, IYSWIM.

But you'll be the bad guy, of course. But I think you're just going to have to ride that one out, and be on hand with tissues and support for that day in the future when it all goes tits up.

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clam · 07/03/2013 11:49

And I don't think it necessarily matters whether you saw this with your own eyes. You say it was close friends who did. Tell her what they say they saw, and that you cannot in all conscience not pass it on to her so she can make an informed decision about her future.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/03/2013 11:52

You have to tell what you know. If you lose her as a friend then so be it, but you have to tell her.

Poor girl :(

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EuroShopperEnergyDrink · 07/03/2013 12:00

It's not a case of 'should I tell?' but 'how to tell?'

Obviously I will tell her, and there's no way I'll let her enter into marriage with this scumbag- but at the same time, knowing their relationship and what she has put up with before- it's heartbreaking to know that she will stay with him.

Not to mention she's depressed and believes that he's the only good thing in her life. It will break her.

I hate him so so much. What a bastard.

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allaflutter · 07/03/2013 12:20

OP, but do you know and trust these girls who told you? would they have ANY reason to dislike or be nasty towards your friend? what is they lied?

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allaflutter · 07/03/2013 12:21

what if

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BerylStreep · 07/03/2013 12:35

I would write it in a letter and hand it to her.

Emphasise that you love and care for her, and you will entirely respect any decision she makes, whatever it is. That you are only telling her out of concern, and that you wish you didn't have to.

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