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My friend's fiance is cheating on her and she doesn't know.

(33 Posts)
EuroShopperEnergyDrink Thu 07-Mar-13 01:11:00

Nightmare situation, sorry if it's a little bit garbled.

My best friend who is a few years younger than me has had a rather troubled life, when she was 14 she moved in with me and DM as opposed to living with her own family. She has dated a string of nobends throughout her teenage years, but about a year and a half met her now-fiance who she loves to death. She moved in with him about 6 months ago after a year dating. We had concerns about her being only 19 and rather unsettled about jumping the gun and moving him with him, but we all had her fingers crossed that it would be okay. And for a while it was! She goes to university and has a part-time job and seems to be very independent outside the relationship in terms of nights out with friends, ect. that it all seemed very healthy- and boyfriend made her seem settled and loved in a way that she hadn't felt any more. We were all really pleased. He proposed 2 months ago and since then she has put a deposit down on a venue for this summer and bought her dress and is so so so so so happy. Although we felt this was all a bit rushed, it's not our place to judge- and she seemed ridiculously pleased.

However, even though I live about an hour away now due to my postgrad studies- I seem to have gained some unpleasant news from friends back home that I really wish I didn't know sad

2 of our close friends were at a gathering at someone's house and found friend's fiance in bed, naked with another girl. When they kicked off and questioned him 'aren't you X's fiance?' he sniggered and said the girl next to him had never asked if he was attached.

This was about 3 weeks ago. The 2 friends who caught him out have only made on attempt to tell her what was going on when they went round for lunch one day, and was greeted with my poor best friend swishing around in her wedding dress deliriously happy. Deep down we all know that she wouldn't believe us and would stay with him anyway.

We are all confused as to what to do next. I want to tell her, her sexual health is at risk and she is a lovely girl who doesn't deserve to be made a fool of by this man- let alone be tied down to him for years to come.

But at the same time, she won't thank us for telling her, we'll be lying, he'll worm his way out of it, she'll stay with him.

Also even if I really want to tell her, it can't come from me- as I didn't see it. It would be merely hearsay.

I hope that's not too garbled. Please help us make some light of the situation.

BerylStreep Fri 15-Mar-13 00:07:54

Well Euro, what have you done?

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 13:34:45

Sorry, I don't.

If this bloke was as blatant as the friends said, he's hardly going to do the right thing is he?

It's just delaying the inevitable and giving him an opportunity to cover his tracks.

whimsicalmess Thu 07-Mar-13 13:26:37

That's a good idea actually puzzle,

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 07-Mar-13 13:23:47

Can I suggest that there might just be another way around this?
Are you able to contact her fiance by phone? If so, could you perhaps call him, tell him what you know and make it clear HE'S got to tell her by such-and-such a date - and that if he doesn't, you will.
If it isn't true you should be able to tell by his reaction (you don't have to quote your sources) If it is, that leaves the issue between the two of them, where it should really be. If he refuses to tell her then you can do it with a clear conscience, saying that you did your best to keep it between just them, and also using his keeping quiet as further evidence of his awful nature

whimsicalmess Thu 07-Mar-13 13:03:10

Aw god that is awful, what a nasty bloke.

I would tell her what you know, i'm thinking why wouldn't the mates tell her? surely its better coming from them?

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 12:46:47

You tell her and you do it face to face. Absolutely no anonymous letters. Those are always wrong, but are especially dangerous to send to someone whose mental health is frail.

Tell the truth and the facts as they were presented to you. Be there to support her and if you have to go back home, make sure others are looking out for her without telling them the details.

EuroShopperEnergyDrink Thu 07-Mar-13 12:46:01

They honestly have no reason to- they're close friends in we've known them a long time, but they aren't part of a bitchy social group who go out all of the time and reason to have beef with one another

BerylStreep Thu 07-Mar-13 12:35:29

I would write it in a letter and hand it to her.

Emphasise that you love and care for her, and you will entirely respect any decision she makes, whatever it is. That you are only telling her out of concern, and that you wish you didn't have to.

allaflutter Thu 07-Mar-13 12:21:12

what if

allaflutter Thu 07-Mar-13 12:20:52

OP, but do you know and trust these girls who told you? would they have ANY reason to dislike or be nasty towards your friend? what is they lied?

EuroShopperEnergyDrink Thu 07-Mar-13 12:00:41

It's not a case of 'should I tell?' but 'how to tell?'

Obviously I will tell her, and there's no way I'll let her enter into marriage with this scumbag- but at the same time, knowing their relationship and what she has put up with before- it's heartbreaking to know that she will stay with him.

Not to mention she's depressed and believes that he's the only good thing in her life. It will break her.

I hate him so so much. What a bastard.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 07-Mar-13 11:52:26

You have to tell what you know. If you lose her as a friend then so be it, but you have to tell her.

Poor girl sad

clam Thu 07-Mar-13 11:49:01

And I don't think it necessarily matters whether you saw this with your own eyes. You say it was close friends who did. Tell her what they say they saw, and that you cannot in all conscience not pass it on to her so she can make an informed decision about her future.

clam Thu 07-Mar-13 11:46:21

I think you have to tell her. If she decides to stay with him, then at least she's doing so knowing what she's dealing with, even if she's in denial, IYSWIM.

But you'll be the bad guy, of course. But I think you're just going to have to ride that one out, and be on hand with tissues and support for that day in the future when it all goes tits up.

ParmaViolette Thu 07-Mar-13 09:48:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 07-Mar-13 09:21:58

Omg tell the poor woman!

I think it would be better coming from your mum too. Best to hurt her now before the wedding than she goes ahead with it all and then finds out after children etc

She is more inclined to listen to her and not think she is stirring, has an agenda etc Maybe you could do it together. But make sure it's completely true and you do have all the facts.

Saltpig Thu 07-Mar-13 08:30:04

If you decide to tell her yourself OP please don't write an anonymous letter. She is less likely to believe it than if it's told by someone who took her in and gave her a family.

This is not a secret that you are keeping - already at least three other people know what this twunt is like and what he's doing.

I'm with AF - in this case I would tell and take the consequences.

HollyMadison Thu 07-Mar-13 07:56:53

I think you should tell what you have heard in a caring, face to face manner. And in a non-judgmental way (non-judgmental of her reaction). Tell her you will not tell another soul, lessening the potential for more public humiliation.

I've been cheated on and I would have appreciated this approach. You don't need to have seen something with your own eyes.

Kione Thu 07-Mar-13 07:47:50

I would like to know. Tell' her and then she can decide that she doesn't believe you, but deep down she will.
Now, is there no possibility at all that these two other girls are shit stirrers? I'd be very very careful with that...

DumSpiroSpero Thu 07-Mar-13 07:36:41

Would it be better coming from your mum?

She's taken a parental kind of role in your friend's life, is more mature and has no reason to stir.

Might be that even if your friend blew a gasket initially, once she's got over the shock she would be more likely to take it on board.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 07-Mar-13 07:31:12

What would you want to happen if it was you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Mar-13 07:30:47

"But at the same time, she won't thank us for telling her, we'll be lying, he'll worm his way out of it, she'll stay with him."

I'm another that would normally say 'stay out of it' and I think your anticipation of her response is dead accurate. She sounds a very silly girl and isn't listening to common-sense or she wouldn't be getting married at 19 in the first place. However, the boyfriend is not making any attempts to hide his behaviour, it's going to get back to her the way it got to you and I don't think you'll lose anything by telling. But say it just the once and then leave her to it.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 07:25:45

In this scenario, I would tell what I know

scaevola Thu 07-Mar-13 07:04:10

There's another thread running on 'should you tell' - different circumstances, and on that one, opinion is divided with probably slightly more tending to the "don't".

If I knew for sure, really sure, then I think not telling means collude in the lies and secrecy (often the most hurtful and harmful part of infidelity). And for the betrayed party to find out later that people knew and didn't tell will be a further hurt.

The damage is done by the infidelity, not the discovery of it.

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