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I took my weddings rings off

(88 Posts)
M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 12:55:50

DH and I rowed big style yesterday about money. He's stressed and frustrated he can't find work.
He shouted, I shouted and he pushed me onto the bed hard and then tried to strangle me.

The first time EVER sad
I toon my wedding rings off and packed a suit case.

We have spoken and put things aside he said he was moving out as he can't do that to me again. He's never done that to anyone and he wasnt starting now.

He doesn't work. Has applied for over 150+ jobs in 8 weeks and nothingconfused
Frustration having no money.

I have applied for a job, part time I don't have a car at the moment and would have to rely on buses or walk the 58 mins it would take me.

I have better qualifications than him. So applied for this part time job.

Ds3 is only 13 weeks and I'm fretting about leaving him. I go to baby groups and baby massage and I'd have to quit all that. And that's the only thing that is keeping my PND away, getting out the house with him :-(
I'm
Not ready to go back to work yet but I don't think I have any choice. I just wish DH would do more to get a job. Like go into actually agencies and request work. Round here you have to go into agencies daily to get a job. And he's not doing it. If they don't get him a job straight away he dumps that agency angry

I feel at a dead end and I should be enjoying our last baby sad

TisILeclerc Mon 04-Mar-13 16:05:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen Mon 04-Mar-13 16:16:04

M0naLisa, you need to call the police even if you decide to stay. No one on here can make you end your marriage; it's your call. However, IMO if you are going to stand any chance of saving your marriage it will only happen if you force your DH to develop a certain level of respect for you and fear of the consequences if his behaviour crosses a line. If you don't involve the police, that won't happen.

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 17:09:43

Tis yeah thought it was!

Op are you reading still?

M0naLisa Mon 04-Mar-13 18:33:03

Just read recent replies.

He's going on a fork lift training course through the job centre.

I haven't been to drs to register this. I feel there is no need. I am going to get the depo injection though so I am thinking of getting an appointment with nurse who I see for my PND and having a chat with her about my moods. (I'm moody recently)

I'm not leaving my marriage because of what happened. We have talked and talked and things are better. If (and I know some will say when) it happens again then that will be it. DH knows this as I have told him. He is disgusted with himself for what he did. It does make me see him in a different light though. I am still going over what happened and can't believe it happened. :-(

If it does happen again in the future you can all say
'We told you so'
confused But I'm willing to keep a hold I my marriage. It's the first time anything like this has bet happened to me. I've never ever been a fight with anyone. Only person who ever hit me was my mum and the odd tame fight with my sister

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 19:18:59

Can't you see this isn't your 'average' DV? He's sidestepped the beginnings of dv and gone straight in for his first time at the highest level

Next time... You won't be posting here, you'll be dead

meddie Mon 04-Mar-13 19:38:58

If a stranger had walked up to you in the street and pushed you then tried to strangle you, what would your reaction be and why is it different for your husband?

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 19:48:29

I find it extremely sad that you are defending your h's indefensible behaviour to the extent that you now appear to be suggesting that your 'moods' have some part to play in him having physically assaulted you.

By his acts of violence towards you, your h violated your marriage and has turned it into a hollow edifice which can offer you nothing to hold on to except your illusions.

No doubt he has professed himself to be 'very sorry'. They always are very sorry the first time. And doubly sorry the second time...

However, as his alleged 'self-disgust' will inevitably transform itself into self-justification, you're best advised to start adding to your list of excuses for him now as it seems probable that your word will become as much of a moveable feast as his was when he made his marriage vows.

FWIW, when it comes to criminal acts of assault, 'I told you so' are not words that are used on this board and it can only be hoped that the sound words of advice that have been expressed on your thread are the ones you will recall when he assaults you again.

Naysa Mon 04-Mar-13 19:57:08

Someone who cherishs 7 years of marriage does not strangle their partner

I can't believe you are allowing him to stay in the same house as your child.

My dad used to attack my mum. He would always say it wouldn't happen again and it did. I spent my teen years self harming and now suffer depression because of what this did to me

Is that what you want for your child?

Your husband doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you and he doesn't consider you to be his equal. So why would you stay with him? You can do better that this low life.

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 19:58:23

If I may I would like to add a different ( mans) perspective here. I think the advice given generally to run like the wind in case of domestic violence is spot on. However there are occasions and instances when it can be a one off / someone cracking under pressure / reaction to something and will never be repeated. I know this from my own experiences and from one of my friends. What the culprit in this instance has said and done since the incident / attack would lead me to believe this could be one of those instances.

My own experience - as a culmination of a series of rows ( about nothing) I threw a chair ( but fortunately at the last moment away from my other half). It scared both of us the power of my rage and following counselling has never happened again - 15 years on and we are happier than ever. Itt years since I even have come close to loosing my temper

Another friend of mine - a gentle and kind man once hit his wife in rage - having been provoked to the end of his tether ( they are now divorced) This man is seriously cut up about his - I have seen him in tears because he did this and he is embarrassed and ashamed he hit her and has told people what he did an allowed them to judge him. He is now living with another friend of mine and I would be happy for him to marry my sister I am so confident he would never do this again.

The man in this case would seem to have been under great stress and indeed have some of his self esteem and self image destroyed by the situation he finds himself in and under the stress he broke. Now that is no excuse and it seems to me by what he has said and done since he knows he stepped over the line. Many men have great difficulty in dealing with emotions.

What is key for me are a few questions.

1) had he ever been abusive before in any way?
2) is he genuine about remorse?
3) is he willing to do whatever it takes to regain trust?
4) is he genuinely sorry remorsful and regretful for what he has done?
5) has he ever tried to blame her for him losing it so badly?

Remember what he did - pushed the OP and put his hands round her neck - he did not hit, punch, kick or stab. He retained some control even tehn. If he wanted to damage her he would have done.

If these questions can be answered correctly then there may be a way to rebuild this relationship. Sweeping it under the carpet will not do. Serious counselling, separation for some time perhpas, real genuine efforts to rebuild the relationship and NEVER EVER RAISE A HAND AGAIN are the minimums IMO.

So - my experience is that incident like this can be a one off, can be never repeated and relationships can be repaired - but this is rare, be very wary and its absolutely the final chance ever. Raise a hand again and he is gone for good

Good luck to the OP and I hope it all works out for you

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 20:02:01

Omg!!!! You are lessening the act of placing hands round her throat..... Saying it was controlled??

Take your mans perspective to women's aid and see what they say eh!?

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 20:08:59

Soulsister - merely giving another perspective. I am prepared for my flamming and I am not lessening it at all.

Its very wrong, its violence and its abhorrent as well as criminal. Can I condemn it any more strongly?

However there must have been some element of control as he stopped. Like I managed to throw the chair across the room not at her in my case.

I might be wrong here - however I merely want to give the perspective that violent incidents can be one offs.

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 20:10:56

This is assuming in the 7 years they have been together he has not been abusive / controlling or given any other signs of being an abuser.

I'll leave it now. I just wanted to put some shades of grey into a situation some see as black and white

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 20:21:30

He retained some control Wtf??!!

If he had 'retained some control' of himself, he wouldn't have pushed his dw onto a bed with such force that her chin hit her chest or put his hands around her neck and, in the OP's own words, 'tried to strangle' her, would he, JayPI?

What the OP's h did can be construed as an attempt to murder, and that is most certainly what I would construe it as if I had his, or any other man's, hands around my neck in anything other than jest.

IMO you are are talking out of your arse about matters you know nothing of and your experience and apologia is not relevant here.

I suggest you buy yourself a cushion cover and cross-stitch the following words onto it: 'Violence can only be justiifed if it is used in self-defence' - and while your at it, make one for your friend too or, better still, get him to make his own instead of wearing his allegedly one act of violence towards a woman as a perverted badge of honour.

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 20:29:20

izzyizin - did yo actually read my post? I was scared by what I had done and took steps to ensure I never did it again. My friend does not wear his as a badge of honour - he is rightly ashamed of it - truely deeply ashamed.

Violence can only be justified in self defence ( or of your loved ones) is certainly true and I did never attempt to justify it at all. Please just read what I posted.

I am sorry I put that bit in as it clearly has detracted from what I intended to say which is "in some circumstances a violent act such as this can be a one off"

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 20:36:44

My post was intended to say and to show with examples that domestic violence incidents such as this can be a one off and relationships can be repaired afterwards. Its rare, the advice to run like the wind is usually right but I know from my own and my friends experience that a single act does not automatically lead to escalation. It can go the other way and act as a spur to find a healthy and a safe way to diffuse the anger that leads to the violent incidents.

Thank you for listening and please accept I by no means mean to act as an apologist for thsi man nor to lessen either the act or its consequences

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 20:51:41

it's ok, OP

JayPI says what he did is forgiveable because he didn't stab you, and he managed to pull himself up short just before he cut off the oxygen to your brain thus killing you

thank heavens for that !

Sunnywithshowers Mon 04-Mar-13 21:06:55

JayPI we have no idea whether the OP's husband would escalate or not. So the advice given is on the basis of 'better safe than sorry'.

And what AF said. Sheesh.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 21:15:03

AF and Izzy - Not defending the Op's husband's actions at all, but isn't Jay saying that in some circumstances people can genuinely change?

We don't know yet whether Op's DH is one of those who can. Do you really think it always plays out the same?

I'm interested because I used to have a terrible temper problem and after years of therapy manage much better now. PTSD led to uncontrollable rages which sometimes meant I'd throw things at/near my husband. I can really imagine being violent to my partner once, realising I'd crossed the line and sorting myself out...because that was nearly me.

I'm perfectly aware that this may not be the normal path of events. But do you think it never happens?

As I said, this is not to defend anyone, but I'm genuinely wondering about the possibility of change. If it is not helpful having this conversation on this thread then I'm happy to have it removed.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 21:17:06

And yes, I understand the advice is given on the basis of better safe than sorry. Although I can really understand why it is so hard to take it seriously, because minimising is so much easier.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 21:34:35

Look at it this way

If this was to go one of 2 directions

1) op listens to the "this is a one off, violent men can change" and he goes ahead to kill her (2 women per week are killed at the hands of men, remember this)

2) op takes the sound advice "better safe than sorry" and separates from her H until he seeks help, stops making her culpable in the violence against her, takes full responsibility and proves he can change whilst safely living apart for a prolonged period of time

Which one would you prefer to have advocated when replying to her pleas for advice ?

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 21:55:24

Oh and can we not forget there are kids involved

It's not just between the 2 of them

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 22:06:01

AF - I did not say " this is a one off" - I said "one offs can happen" a subtle difference. safety first is a reasonable approach I quite agree.

I basically agree your point 2 as I said similar in my post.

Building - yes thats pretty much my point - thanks.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 22:10:54

Don't backtrack now, JayPI

You are encouraging Op in her unfortunate decision to convince herself her husband will never do anything violent to her again. Your post contains several apologies for domestic violence.

I couldn't sleep at night if I had done that

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 22:23:16

Thanks for that, AF. I agree that it is better to go for option 2.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 22:25:20

I also think if my DH had been more firm in not accepting certain behaviour things would have changed more quickly. I'm not AT ALL saying my behaviour was his fault. Just saying my bubble of 'I can do this' would have been truly popped.

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