Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Partner admitted to sex with transexuals

(68 Posts)
Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 08:20:56

Please, please, please help. I feel distraught, I don't know what to do.

My partner of 12 years just admitted he has been having sex with transexuals, no a one off, every now and then. I feel disgusted that he has been lying to me all this time. I need serious help, because all I want to do is kill myself.

I knew he enjoyed watching the transexual porn, but accepted he had this addiction. He has taken it a step further with acting out his fantasy. I kept telling him he should give me a real shot at love if he can't be faithful (he has cheated before) but he kept insisting he loved me and wanted to be a family (we have four kids).

I know he will continue to live out his fantasy, because when I asked him he said he didn't know if he could live without this in his life.

I am happy he has felt he could be honest, but devastated by his reality. He has been living a whole different life. I think he has been using me has his cover to say he has a happy family.

He treats me like crap most of the time, but is a good, not great, father to our children.

I will never be intimate with him again because of his dishonesty, but I want out of the relationship. This is way too much for me to deal with. Too many secrets and lies.

I am pregnant now and would have to sacrifice everything I worked hard for. He has destroyed my life. Suicide is an option, butt would hurt my kids too much.

Please help someone, I am very fragile right now. Am crying as I type, so sorry if there are any grammatical errors.

Lucylloyd13 Thu 14-Mar-13 13:44:49

At least he has been honest with you.

Men interested in T girls ar likley to have an interest in unprotected anal sex, that is bad news for your sexual health.

I would have an STD check, and terminate the sexual relationship with him whilst organising a tactical withdrawal from the relationship as a whole.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 14-Mar-13 00:14:08

Needhelp, so sorry for all this. On a purely practical side do not use debt advice companies. They will change you for the privilege. See if Christians against poverty are in your area, or CCCS. They are both charities who are concerned about you.

Needhelpfast Wed 13-Mar-13 16:03:13

Thank you for asking Clarabumps. I am struggling still. Some days are tearful, but I have definitely moved to the acceptance and functional stage. I am not sure why I allowed myself to be treated this way and all the signs were there. I will never allow myself to be cheated on EVER. When I look back at things he was living his life, doing everything he wanted to do. I cut off friends and just became very family focused. I have no regrets about making the decision to focus on my family, but I do regret no having a life other than this.

The focus is on new baby and my lovely kids. No more stress.

Secondhand rose, I will be going to see a debt advisor, tried calling CAB with no success. Can meet minimum payments for now until I start maternity leave, so I have some time to play with.

Clarabumps Sun 10-Mar-13 20:32:30

Needhelp- How are you getting on? I've been following this thread. Any news?Hope you are feeling a bit better and the tears have subsided.
smile

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/debt_e.htm

This is a link for the Citizens Advice Bureau, please seek some assistance for your financial issues. Really sorry to hear what you are going through but as all have said you are better off with your children.

Needhelpfast Thu 07-Mar-13 21:03:31

There will be five children.

Think he has gone to his sisters.

I question why it has taken me this long to get here. When we split previously he couldn't give a toss. Once we separated for a while and when he saw that I was moving on he started to be 'nice to me' and be a better partner.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and keeping me focused on what I need must do.

Glad you have updated. If you need some practical help with bailiffs/bills and money, you culd make an appointment with the CAB. i found them very reassuring and helpful.

What is happening with your STBX? You said he's gone, but where?

And you haven't said how many children you have, though you have said 'kids' so i am guessing more than one.

Thinking of you. You have to stay strong and confide as much as possible in your sis and all friends in RL you think weill be on side and give you support.

Gald you sound less suicidal. He's not worth it. He's not a sex addict btw, he's a filthy cheating violent knob.

Needhelpfast Tue 05-Mar-13 21:48:58

Hi Amazonian,

I am 30 years old.

Wasn't today just beautiful outside.

You are right, I think that I do need to be more self reliant. Not being this way has caused the problems I think. I am very scared of being alone and feel like the void can only be filled by someone else.

The 'dark place' I refer to is having bailiffs repossess things to cover debts, having to claim benefits until I can sort myself out (becoming what some perceive a scrounger), having to start from scratch with nothing. Letters and phone class from different agencies asking for payment. I am already severely depressed, have been for years. This may tip me over the edge.

No tears at all today.

Oh, and two other points: what 'dark place' you are 'destined for' ?

Christ, if a partner and the husband of my copious children had knocked me out, been fucking trannies and badgered me for anal sex, I would seriously be celebrating the LIGHT place I am heading for.

You really must try to think of Rhodes instead of Transylvania. In time you will be punching the air that this knob end of a man is out of your hair...but in the meantime, keep only good friends and people you know care about you, close. Not some told-you-so nonce.

Look, you sound very confused and I am slightly concerned that you are already offloading onto a Man - and happily wallowing in the fact that he his 'saying the right things'. It doesn't mean he means any of it ffs.

You want some advice from an old lady?

Forget about the dating scene after the baby is born. That is a bonkers way of thinking. shock

Give the man-friend a bit more of a cold shoulder and start being a LOT more self-reliant - because your children need YOU.

Your CHILDREN need you.

Your new born baby will need YOU.

How old are you?

Needhelpfast Mon 04-Mar-13 21:26:28

Thank you for asking.

I am very confused still. But somethings make sense, like his badgering for anal sex. My refusal would give him the justification to go out and do this stuff. I think he is addicted to sex.

I am going through the acceptance stage and wondering if life would be easy if he came back, but we are seperated. That way he has to keep his responsibility for the children and I get to keep my career. But this probably a bad idea. I just don't know if I can go to this dark place I am destined for. Maybe if I had more self esteem and was not experiencing other difficulties in my life I would feel like I had the strength to go through this. Don't get me wrong, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM, I just don't think I can manage losing everything and starting from scratch when I am so unstable. I want the old me back, she is in here somewhere. I had a messed up childhood so I was very independent and had no time for men. I went and let my defences down and look where it has got me.

I will never enter into a deep relationship again. Being hurt like this is just too much.

I am excited about being on the dating scene after the baby is born. The last time I had a romantic night was probably 10 years ago. But has for changing my mindset for a man, this will not happen.

I spoke to one of my male friends, explaining that my partner had been unfaithful and we were no longer together, not going into more detail. Like I expected he moaned about telling me ages ago that I was wasting my time and couldn't understand why I had more children. He then said he would support me through this. True to his word he called back to see how I was getting on. He is very realistic, he says the things I need to hear, no sugar coating. I don't mind his honesty.

How are you op?

You are bound to be feeling confused and angry. But don't hold your breath for an apology - he'll probably make it all your fault anyway. Keep focused. Keep your strength up with bits of toast, plenty of tea.

Are you managing to sort out some practicalities?

Sailormercury Sun 03-Mar-13 18:12:49

That's exactly right keep focused on you future. You have so much to look forward to! Even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Needhelpfast Sun 03-Mar-13 14:19:42

Going through abit of denial at the moment. Not so tearful today. Why can't I just understand that he is not going to apiokogise? I don't want to be back with him, but I some hoped he would feel some regret. Staying focused, onwards and upwards, but never backwards.

kalidanger Sun 03-Mar-13 11:20:36

Sunny in East London today, and Spring is coming. It'll be a long road, OP but things can only get better thanks

Darkesteyes Sun 03-Mar-13 00:16:01

Ive only just spotted this thread. So sorry for what you are going through Need Help. What an absolute fuckwit. To do this to the mother of his children and his children.
He does not realise what he has lost through his own selfishness and his lack of respect for you. What a bloody fool. x

yay. Glad you have posted Needhelp. I will be up for quite a bit yet...

Very glad that you have talked to your sister.

It's wonderful that you feel on your childrens' behalf - that's because you care about them. Caring for them as best you can right now, loving them, feeling for them, willing yourself to remain their mummy - these are the things you must do right now.

Fuck him. He can make his own way.

You must put your children first and foremost in your mind - and your lovely to-be baby. How fantastic that you are going to enjoy the love and joy of your children without your toxic fuck-wit partner undermining you.

Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 23:21:06

My sis is helping, although I won't tell here the full story.

He is a disgusting pervert. It is all about sex and the fantasy of a women with a dick. I know there are people who genuinely love transexuals, but his thing is a fetish that he needs now and again.

I can't believe I wanted to hang myself today because of the humiliation and distress this idiot has caused me. I was looking at the ceiling light wondering if it would carry my weight, but thinking I didn't want my kids to find my body. Next thought was to just slam the car into a wall at high speed or something. These ar not normal, rational thoughts. But I have been feeling this way since the stillbirth.

He would never take me out, but once I read some posts he had put on a website and he was telling women he couldn't wait to take them out. All this while I was struggling and asking for help. Foolish me took him back. Even when he knocked me out I was in denial because he made it out to be my fault, saying I was nagging too much. I am so much better off without him.

The tears have started again. I feel for my children because they will not see their father as often, but it was because of them that I stayed in this loveless relationship, hoping he would change. He is to blame, not me or them.

Will see GP on Monday. Going to be a difficult night no doubt.

ArtVandelay Sat 02-Mar-13 22:51:55

Hope everything is okay. Well, as okay as it can be right now. People will help, I'm pretty sure, just reach out.

Who is helping you op? Someone is hopefully helping you through.

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 02-Mar-13 19:37:15

I said to my friend 'he has ruined my life'

She said 'No, he made it hell, your life/future begins now'

And like me, you thought he would change.
They don't see the need to change, because they see no wrong in being a cruel horrible person.

You keep going OP, hour by hour xxxxx

Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 19:24:18

Thank you all for being there for me. I was contemplating calling him and asking him if he knows how much he has hurt me, but I know that he wouldn't actually care because if he did then he would not have been doing this. Still feel sick. If you heard the whaling I have been doing.

Yes it still feels very raw. He has ruined my life, I used to be so independent. I am now in debt thanks to him, coupled with my stupidity. I have stopped crying for now, but know there is more to come. How could he afford this? What the hell was he thinking? The computer history showed he was looking at this filth everyday, even at 5.30 in the morning. He is sick.

I know where I went wrong, it was thinking he would change. Leopards never change their spots; very true saying.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 19:01:57

No person is merely goods,you're the sum of all you've experienced and achieved
The experiences,good and bad,shape you. You're in no way spoilt.
Get good advice, see the gp and mw.and take care

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 02-Mar-13 17:59:47

Yes, we are all here for you. The pain is raw at the moment, you will grieve for the routine, the everyday life you had.

Then its like a weight lifting, the sun shining outside is another day for you to be happy, everything starts slotting into place.

My god, I could write over 100 scenarios now where he humilitated me, I never saw It at the time.

I said to myself for every second Im sad & crying, not eating, & being sick is a second for him to be feeling happy.

And theres no way Im letting that happen, so as cruel as I sound Im hoping every second I feel happy & look forward that he is feeling like shit.

Its the only way I have managed every day.

Its only just happened to you, so the shock is sickening, So please keep posting, your children need you, you sound amazing xxxx

KnitFastDieWarm Sat 02-Mar-13 16:02:11

You are not 'spoilt goods', you are a strong woman, a mother, and a human being with a life ahead of you - which now won't be hampered by a lying, violent, abusive, disrespectful scumbag.
Don't let him win. Don't let his treatment of you make you feel unworthy. HE is the one with the problem, HE is the liar, the cheat, the thug.
Be strong, be angry, be free! We are all rooting for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now