Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

at my wits end trying to co-parent with a manipulative abusive arse

(89 Posts)
sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:30:44

just that really... doesn't matter HOW fucking reasonable/decent/mature I try to be, as I have consistently over the years since he left, it makes not a jot of difference because he just behaves like an arse and I have to suck it up so that dcs don't get caught in the middle
SO HARD sometimes angry
I know there are some on here who will get it, just wanted to share with the sisterhood
rant over
grin

wine all round

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 20:11:42

Cheers wine. smile

raspberyfool Fri 22-Feb-13 20:29:37

Joining in. I recently posted about how happy i am at the moment. My xh has a happiness radar as over last two days he has started to call me over stupid things then precedes to try and upset me by trying to open up wounds.
He deliberated forgot to call the girls twice this week then calls after bedtime saying i should have reminded him. it's got to be deliberate as why would you forget two days in a row. Finally speaks to dd1 for grand total of 2 minutes.
constantly lies and says one thing and then flatly denies it the next time we speak.
Then tells me he might be moving in with ow and then he got offended that i wasn't upset.
Sorry mate your not bursting our bubble toddle on grin

Gah. Me too. I'm joining you because today was a normal co-parenting day and it involved:
1. My 11yo DS being sent to school in shorts in freezing weather because there aren't any trousers at his Dad's. He came home informing me his Dad needs trousers at his house - they're all at mine yes son, your Dad hasn't brought any in 3 years so it's hardly surprising
2. Him arriving home and telling me that he has to have his birthday celebration on the date his Dad has been instructing and I rejected three times because it fits with his Dad's social life.
3. My DS using body language and expressions that his Dad used to use to stonewall and belittle me, and is now clearly using on my DS and/or his new wife!

I only have another 10 years at the most.

<smiles, nods and downs gin>

What a bunch of cock-knobbing-badger-twunts.

Twingirlsrock Fri 22-Feb-13 20:32:28

I really like that!

Sorry mate you're not bursting our bubble - toddle on.

I will be saying over and over again under my breath when we have contact.
wink

I love "toddle on" grin

I do listen to him talking AT me with the mumsnet phrase "fuck off cuntychops" in my head

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 20:38:31

grin

seems there's a fair few of us with a 10 year stretch ahead wink

thanks abitwobblynow - he'd be charm personified at a mediation and just say anything he thought they wanted to hear then carry on as he is. But it's useful to know and maybe bring up in the future- nothing to lose I guess although I find minimal encouragement and distancing help me to remain sane.

rasperyfool mine is much like yours if I seem happy he's worse. Can't bear it.

big flowers to all of you and it's nice we've got a little space to let off steam and know there's others who get it - not that I'd wish it on anyone!

am still shock at the lunchbox hoarder btw - and the coat hoarder- and the non-trouser buyer..... all of them in fact!

raspberyfool Fri 22-Feb-13 20:53:29

Oh yes i repeat toddle on under my breath quite a lot . It suits my xh as behaves like a stroppy toddler. i also see how many that's nice ( Mrs brown code for f off) i can get in a conversation with him when he's one one of his Im unreasonable or pity conversations. I've got 17 years of him as youngest is 1 that's if he actually keeps in contact with the girls.

raspberyfool Fri 22-Feb-13 20:58:25

Sarahseashell my xh quite often says he wants me to be happy then gets stroppy when i am. Think it stems from his self pride that i should still be devastated that i have lost him and be wailing and crying every day.
They don't like it when they realise that were a hell of a lot happier since they left.

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 21:09:32

yes it's a blow to their massive ego smile

17 years? shock
you sound like you can handle it though raspbery - can't be easy having such a little one to cope with as well, but well done wine

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 21:21:15

Fuck off cuntychops is sooooo gonna my new phrase(in my head obviously)
Cuntychops actually really bloody suits him!

Ahhhhh. It's been 10 years and will be another 10 years - worse case scenario - I do sometimes wonder what crimes I could have committed and have paid my dues to society in that time.

Other times I imagine my case for canonisation will be an easy one to make.

St Tea. The patron saint of children that lack lunch boxes, coats and trousers and their parent who have suffered at the hands of abusive and entitled wankbadgering co-parents.

17 years will go quickly. Don't worry.

My DS will get the biggest 21st party ever! I will be free of arsey emails, snide texts and general control freakery.

Shodan Fri 22-Feb-13 21:42:57

I wish I'd had access to MN ten years ago when I was dealing with the same kind of problems with XH!

However, it all got a lot easier when I a) gave up all hope of him ever paying any maintenance, b) accepted that he would never turn up for pre-arranged contact visits when he should have done, and c) never let ds1 know that he was supposed to be coming.

I haven't had to have any contact with him since ds1 turned 12 and they both got mobile phones. The past 5 years have been bliss grin

And since he has now moved to somewhere several hundred miles away I expect the next time I'll have to see him will be ds1's wedding, if he ever gets married. It's almost as if xh doesn't exist...

So hang on in there. Eventually the buggers will be a distant memory (iyswim)

tippytap Fri 22-Feb-13 22:40:36

Have we all dated the same guy?

I get this all the time from my DD dad. Constantly wanting to swap days/times and then texts/emails if I say no.

Calling late, past bedtime, deliberately.

I was also blamed this year by XP and his GF.as the reason they both had affairs. I caused them so much stress apparently. They split up and are back together. His GF hates me because she's seen me round town looking happy.

In fact according to them, I'm the cause of all of their problems .

It's not good to hear that it won't get better. <sob>.

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 22:56:49

grin oh tippytap that did give me a laugh though! causing exp gf to have an affair shock heard it all now

and you St Tea made me lol

shodan you've escaped! congrats smile

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 23:11:48

Yes Yes Yes. Ex was Skyping the kids one evening - they were on the laptop in the living room. I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes.

Cue OW storming into the room behind him, screaming in his face and slamming his laptop shut.

Apparently that was my fault too hmm Potatoes were nice though grin

Bertiebassett Sat 23-Feb-13 06:58:37

This thread has made me chortle grin

I'm just on my way down this path of co parenting....and FW is already demonstrating how the next 13 years are going to be. He hasn't even moved out yet and I'm already getting solicitors letters about future contact!

In latest letter (and this is a good one) FW is requesting particular days as 'compensation' because I'm taking DS on holiday at Easter...and it means I'll have him for a bit longer than FW. Trouble is... the days FW had requested are days he'll have him anyway...as he'll have moved out by then and we'll be into our new contact schedule! What a knob silly man eh?! And what a waste of the £80 (or whatever his solicitor charges for writing a letter)...

Roll on 2026 not really as I don't want to wish my life away smile

Can I just tell you all about my morning? Bearing in mind, this is HIS weekend to have the kids.

One has football, one has to go to a hockey match, she plays for her school. Same every fricking Saturday.

Phone goes at 7.00. Need to come to yours DD forgot her stuff for her toe. Right, ok no problem. When will you be here? 8am.

Why ring me? He knows I'm here, he could have rocked up to the door at 8am with the kids in the car and DD could have run in and got the stuff. (it's dressings and things)

So he arrives at 8am (on time for fucking once) kids come in and DD faffs, runs out "bye" DS still standing here. We have a tournament today (an hours drive away). I need a packed lunch. Dad's going to run DD to school and you can make my packed lunch and he'll pick it up on the way back.

I make the packed lunch, (DS is grin as I had no proper chocolate biscuits so he got a packet of Jaffa Cakes)

Back comes ex, DS runs to car, getting in I say "good luck" and then I realise if ex is taking DS to football tournament an hour's drive away what's DD doing after hockey?

THEN he admits that he just told DD to ring me and I'd pick her up.

I'm doing nothing today it's not a big deal to pick her up but it would have been nice to have been ASKED. And I feel so petty to complain about it.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 08:52:05

Ah Freddie what a nightmare, I'm sure he will then say he is just as capable as you etc etc.
I left ex at the beginning of August, he does not bath ds, he doesn't even brush his teeth. He doesn't do bedtime stories and last week "couldn't put eye drops in as ds struggled too much".
He never has any food in so feeds ds macdonalds on the two nights he has him(if he doesn't cancel) but he is AS MUCH A PARENT AS ME!!
Today will be spent in our pyjamas watching DVDs as its snowing quite heavily here, not worth risking taking car out to feed the ducks as planned.
Hope you enjoy your day

Wereonourway - that is EXACTLY what he'll say. How did you know? grin And if I complain to my mum or my best friend, they'll say "but you're at home anyway what difference does it make"

Which is true. But I might have been out for the day. You know, having that thing called a life. Or had a hot stud in my bed unlikely. And because it's all tied up with the kids, then if I don't step up and do packed lunches or pick ups or whatever then they're the ones who miss out. It's the pure NERVE of coming down to get stuff, dropping DS here while he runs DD to school so I can make the packed lunch.

And I never ask him to do a packed lunch or pick up DD or anything.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 09:04:22

Do you think it has anything to do with him resenting you having a life??
My mum is convinced ex is hell bent on making my life as shitty as possible but I don't see it that way.
He is so utterly self absorbed and lacks any kind if empathy that he just thinks its his right to do as he likes when he likes, balls to the consequences. If he pisses me off its just a massive bonus to him I suppose.
How long have you been separated if you don't mind my asking?
My ds is only 2, it's very sad that we are one of a statistic of split families at such a young age, it really break my heart to not be with him for 2 nights.
I'm trying to adjust and constantly remind myself how crap it was living with him and that ds won't be brought up around resentment or arguments

wereon - I think it's just the self-absorbed thing, he can't see past the end of his own nose. He believes he is the most important man on the face of the planet and he just expects others to accommodate his wishes. It's very bully-boy so-called "alpha male" shit. Outwardly very successful, top of his career etc etc etc. And if I called him on today (and I have done in the past) all I would get is that I am making a drama out of nothing that if I'm at home what's the big deal. He can't get it into his thick head that I'm due respect and he should ASK.

6 years and counting grin

It was the way he stood at his car and looked at me like I was shit on his shoes, shrugged his shoulders and said he'd told her to ring me and I'd pick her up. I was completely and utterly worth nothing. Nothing. All I was was something to enable his life and do what he wanted.

leaharrison11 Sat 23-Feb-13 09:38:42

Sonwe have all

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 09:43:48

Freddie!
You should ring him now and say you'll be out after all and then have people coming over, or some other excuse- hairdressers, doing nails, cinema are all valid. smile
You should not be making packed lunches or picking up children on his day.
Boundaries and self respect.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now