Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

at my wits end trying to co-parent with a manipulative abusive arse

(89 Posts)
sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:30:44

just that really... doesn't matter HOW fucking reasonable/decent/mature I try to be, as I have consistently over the years since he left, it makes not a jot of difference because he just behaves like an arse and I have to suck it up so that dcs don't get caught in the middle
SO HARD sometimes angry
I know there are some on here who will get it, just wanted to share with the sisterhood
rant over
grin

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:32:19

I feel your pain................ wine never too early in half term

I actually had to check I hadn't posted this in my sleep

Joins in wine

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:38:34

Mine sent ds round for his bike earlier, 'because he paid for it'

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:51:34

thanks! wine

lets have a mutual RAAAHHH

mine is trying to make out I'm making it up that one of my dcs has been poorly in half term confused it's not the first time either! clearly I have a problem here hmm

LittleEdie Thu 21-Feb-13 17:55:28

Why would you do that? Tossa

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 18:01:59

I think he's trying to find something that I'm BU about wink
it's a recurring theme if one of dcs ill (thankfully fairly rare) I am BU/exaggerating/imagining it. He even tells them this they are confused

TobyLerone Thu 21-Feb-13 18:05:51

Oh, love. I could have written this. It's SO frustrating, isn't it? Sometimes it makes me cry because I'm so furious, which makes me even more furious angry

It's been 10.5 years and he's still no better. Worse, if anything. It's so childish.

Have a wine on me.

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 19:17:26

thanks tobylerone smile

oh no though! still doing it after 10.5 years shock <faints>

hopefully not too long to go till your dcs grown up and you can get more freedom thanks

Lueji Thu 21-Feb-13 20:17:14

Joining in too.

Apparently, because DS had a fever the other day, I should have kept him home the whole week. And I am a bad mother because I didn't. hmm

Did we get a message asking if DS was better, even?

Sigh.

Thankfully I don't have to co-parent as such.

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 20:28:31

so hard lueji when you're getting criticism on top of coping with an ill child

I say co-parent in loose sense ie he does one day a week dispensing chocolate wink

thanks ladies I'm feeling a lot better for venting smile

Lueji Thu 21-Feb-13 20:37:37

Actually, I don't care about the criticism because DS had a fever one afternoon and was fine the day after.
Just shows how much of a twat he is.

same here...he got dates mixed up yesterday and was about to storm over here and pick up DC while I was in the middle of cooking their dinner until I told him to check the agreed dates. I even got an apology, but that's only because we have a contact hearing next week so he's treading very carefully.

Abitwobblynow Fri 22-Feb-13 15:19:27

Hi Sarah, I have just finished a mediating course and you would be AMAZED at what comes out in those sessions.

IIWY I would phone up for a mediation appt and ask him to agree to it. Say something very reasonable to say that you would like to talk with him about how you can be better parents etc. So nice and friendly to get him in there.

It is very hard for them to be twats in front of a neutral person. Also, the neutral person sometimes gets them to express whatever it is they are hung up about (that they would rather die than tell you).

Give it a go anyway. He would have to agree first, but anything is better than the status quo?

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 15:27:54

I'm another one dealing with an unreasonable ex.
I wrote to him via solicitor agreeing to his request of 2 overnights and Sunday day times and stipulated times.
Since mid January he has cancelled or asked to swap overnights 7, yes 7, times. 2 times were work related, others were pub/football/illness.
When I refuse his swaps I get verbals via text.
I just can't seem to get through to him that ds needs a stable routine and actually so do I.
He threatens me with a solicitor every week for being selfish and unreasonable when actually I'm just sticking to his requested nights and day. I'm not willing to negotiate different nights each week to suit his gap hazard lifestyle. Surely a mediator/courts would agree???
I feel your pain
It's very wearing, I live on my nerves and am extremely anxious.

If he threatens you with a solicitor, tell him to go ahead. And remember 99.9% of all solicitor's letters are just very expensive toilet paper. A solicitor will write what they are getting paid to write.

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 15:46:04

I do Freddie, I've become used to not engaging. I reply saying no I won't swap, ds is 2 and needs a stable routine and I'd like to be free to plan my time and to be left in peace. If you are unhappy with days or times please see a solicitor.
I understand solicitors letters aren't legally binding but so far it's only me who has consulted one, with a view to stabilising routine and reduce need for contact between ex and I as he is unreasonable selfish and can get quite nasty.
Ds is always ready for contact. Ex jut thinks he should be able to have ds when it suits, if he has plans it should be ok for him to change nights as he is "as much a parent as me". He really genuinely believes he is being stitched up, that I'm controlling, that I want ds all to myself, that I'm manipulative and nasty. He said last week that everyone thinks I'm nuts cos I refused to change contact times with half an hours notice as he was buyin train tickets for a stag weekend!
I've also not had maintenance since mid dec!
I have another appointment with my solicitor on Monday to bring her up to date with all the changes he requests, the harassment I get for not agreeing and to ask advice. So far I've stood firm because if I give in once and swap it will happen week after week after week.
I hope she tells ne I'm doing right thing and writes to him about leaving me alone

Been there done that am crap at taking my own advice grin but

Don't tell him you'd like to be free to plan your time or DS is 2 and needs a routine.

Just say no.

And no.

And no.

Keep a record of all his conversations, try to get them in email/text or at the very least keep a journal.

I am very aware of how draining it all is and I spent an hour on the phone yesterday trying to get my MAA (manipulative abusive arse) to see he was being unreasonable. I failed. But apparently "everybody" thinks I'm a nasty vindictive piece of work and "everybody" can see me for the type of person I am and I'm not fooling anybody with my reasonable facade hmm

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 15:57:05

Are we dealing with the same person Freddie!?
What is startling is that ex did absolutely bot all for ds when we were together, to the extreme!
If I asked ex to bath ds I'd get called a lazy cunt as he was working full time and me only part time. He once told me he would put ne through the wall for asking him to do a night feed and he spent all of his money on drink and football, sleeping all day Sunday and basically beig a twat.
I dug myself a hole by agreeing to 2 nights access when I left in August trough fear, I spent four months chopping and changing around his football and days on drink and snapped at Xmas.
I no longer show him he gets to me, I am very reasonable and calm and fair but just seeing his name appear on my phone fills ne with dread and I'd just like it all to end.
He says I limit his time with his "precious boy" yet he cancels due to hangovers and doesn't pay me maintenance towards his oh so precious boy.
2 weeks ago his van was seized due to him having no insurance, said he couldn't have ds as he "needed to sort stuff", at 7.30 that night he was a pain which my dad goes to every Thursday night for the quiz, it's blatant but it's still all my fault, all my responsibility!
Had a lovely day with ds today though, I've switched off from him for now and will do til contact time on Sunday.
It's good to know I'm not alone!
I've long since given up trying to reason with him or explain, he will never ever change

Of course it's your fault. Don't be silly. Of course it is. All your fault.

Just like it's mine that my MAA didn't send a coat back after his access night and thinks I'm being obstructive by telling him to either drop it here or to the school.

He said it was my fault because I wouldn't go to his to collect it at the time that he decreed suited him for me to do it. Never mind that I had to go to work and that DD needed a coat. (she had another one she wore but that's not the point)

He has them every other weekend and one night in the week. He picks them up from school. I had to text him to ask him to return lunch boxes and sports bags as I didn't have any here (they don't take lunches on a Thursday and Friday so go to his with the boxes)

He told me I was being "petty" and lunchboxes are only a few pounds each.

He had 7 lunchboxes/bags (all poundland to be fair), I haven't got the plastic boxes back yet that DD uses to bring home her cookery efforts but i spent £20 in tescos on them at the beginning of Jan and I have none left, and DD took her swimming kit yesterday in a plastic bag because I literally have no other bags left here. Not even a bag for life or anything.

but i'm making a mountain out of a molehill hmm

Sorry for hijack!

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 16:14:58

It's very easy to rant isn't it, I'd be lost without MN tbh.
I worry that previous posters have said its still going on ten years after split!
I am however building up my life, renting a fab home, just booked a holiday for the summer and have lost 6lb this week. Lots more to go but I'm so much happier, hope you are too.
At least we don't live with them any more!

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 19:33:53

Freddie, what's a phone? smile

As far as my ex is concerned there's only email and text messages.

So much easier!

Oh, apparently I am also vindictive.
Never mind he doesn't warn he's not going to contact and that I had told him way back that he'd need to confirm contact because of that.

Lueji that's where I went wrong. i shouldn't have answered him

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 19:42:26

Oh welcome to my world.
It's winter. Kids get sick. He has limited contact. About a month ago, on his contact day, the two youngest were really ill with horrible chest infections. I sent a text the day before to pre warn him that they may not be up for contact (He lives 2 hours away so contact involves him dragging them around a shopping centre or park -anything that's free hmm )
cue aggressive rant about me being vindictive and him applying to the court first thing to tell them I was failing to adhere to the contact order. On the day itself, the kids were too ill to even get out of bed and didn't go. Cue arsey letters and threats and demands that however ill the children were, they would be presented for contact.
Last wee, oldest 2 had D&V. They weren't 'ill' as such. but they both threw up in his car. And guess what ? I'm now an irresponsible, neglectful mother who knowingly put the health of his slapper and new baby at risk (Slapper and sprog 100 miles away during contact visit)
Can I win ? No chance. But I'm learning to smile serenely and ignore grin

Twingirlsrock Fri 22-Feb-13 19:45:22

I feel your pain. I am so angry this evening. My scummy ex left me when our beautiful DD was 5 weeks old. That was 14 years ago.

Years of frustration and irritation.

Then today I mentioned if he had any thoughts about saving for university help in case she goes, just to put on his radar. He tells me he has not a penny, that his business going under. I say sorry to hear that - but obv she's only 14 now so some time to think about it.

DD comes home and says he told her that he tells everyone that he has no money so he doesn't have to pay anyone anything.

WHAT AN IDIOT! Like the £ would be for ME!!!!!

Scum.
So irritating.
Also has always gone around saying how much he adores her, how he would do anything for her. Except he does everything he can to do nothing.

It's the hypocrisy that drives me insane.

Rant over. Feel a bit better!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now