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Living together in silence

(101 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:18:44

I have nc for this as DP has been known to lurk and I don't want him to find this.

For some reason at the moment DP is not speaking to me, when I ask him if he is ok he doesn't answer and if I ask him a question about his day for example I just get one word answers back.

This has been going on for a while but it has gradually got worse to the point now where he didn't even speak to my family when they were here tonight.

He has said that he has had stressful days at work but I really don't think it is this that is causing his silence and if it is it seems a bit unfair to take it out on me.

We have a young DS together and he is fine with him, talking and playing normally but just no interaction with me.

I know I can be grumpy and short tempered at times but it is when I am tired as I have mobility problems which I think he tends to forget about because they are not obvious but do wear me out especially if DS has been having a clingy day.

I have tried to speak to him about this before as it's not the first time he has been like this but he just says he feels like he is missing out on something but doesn't know what and he has always believed this so is never truly happy with what he has, whereas I am the opposite and perfectly happy with what I have/achieved.

He is out at the moment and I will be in bed by the time he gets back so I won't get a chance to talk to him about it tonight but I would like some ideas on how to tackle this please.

gingerbreadshoes Sat 23-Feb-13 04:30:49

Well we haven't managed to talk and he is still giving me the silent treatment but hopefully we will wake up before ds and I can speak to him then.

What gets me is how long he can drag something out, if he was a shouty person it would be all over and done with by now and we would be getting on with our lives.

I think he knows it upsets me and thats why he carries it on because there isn't much else he can do that will.

Bedtime1 Sat 23-Feb-13 05:28:38

That would drive me crazy. How annoying! If he is giving you the silent treatment to annoy you then you ask him what's up he will be silent even more. Has he always been like this?
I think if he's told you that there's something missing then you have your answer really as to hows he is thinking but for him to come out and say this out of the blue! Could there be someone else?

He said he's not happy! I can only think you need to be strong and go ahead with telling him to go. Then you will know what happens after that and wether he genuinely cares. I'm sorry though men can be real shits. They should just be honest.

corblimeymadam Sat 23-Feb-13 05:43:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenNinja Sat 23-Feb-13 05:47:00

I despise the silent treatment. It is arguably one if the cruelest none violent forms of abuse.

I'd pack his stuff, bolt all the doors and fuck him off. He'll soon start talking then.

Bedtime1 Sat 23-Feb-13 06:13:31

Yes ninja your way sounds good to me

jynier Sat 23-Feb-13 06:27:48

Agree with ninja - think that this sort of behaviour is also called hostile disengagement. Sorry that you are going through this, OP

Izpie Sat 23-Feb-13 06:34:55

My dh went through a time similar to this, not quite as silent as yours but very disengaged and felt like I was living with a flatmate with whom I was on polite speaking terms rather than dh. I ended up turning to him on the sofa one night and told him I was really unhappy with the way things were, that although I didn't want the relationship to end I was at make or break point. I stayed calm and reasonable and told him how I felt and what I wanted, I gave him space to say the same. It wasn't an easy conversation and at times he was pithy and sarcastic but in the end we both agreed to make some changes. Things got a bit better then a couple of weeks later I had a real rant at him telling him I had had enough and have him the bottom line. We're 2 months down the line from that now and things are not perfect but loads better and we're both happy.

I think rather than making the conversation about him and why he's doing it, let him know how you feel and why you're not happy, what you want to change and what you will do if it doesn't.

gingerbreadshoes Sat 23-Feb-13 19:23:33

I have sort of spoken to him tonight and he has said he loves me but isn't in love with me and possibly hasn't been for the last year.

He did have problems adjusting to ds being here with me all of the time as before I worked 15 hours a day 3-4 days a week so this meant he had a lot of time to himself. I worked like this for both our benefits so was only ever at home 2 evenings and at the weekend.

He says he can't tell me why he is unhappy and I told him that we can't do anything if I don't know his thoughts/reasons.

He still says about missing ds and I told him he could still see him and he also admitted that he has no where to go, I did tell him on both counts it was his own fault though maybe I shouldn't have.

I am pretending so very hard to appear calm and factual on the outside and am giving him a chance to tell me what he would want changed but inside I want to cry my eyes out because I don't want ds to grow up without us being a family. I know this can work well but having lived like it myself I don't want it to be like that.

What do I do next I am stuck as he won't talk to me about things?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:31:19

It is far better for your DS to grow up with this man out of the house than be a "family" where the parents are constantly battling and not talking to each other. I kow it seems hard but i just coudlnt live like this.

yellowbrickrd Sat 23-Feb-13 23:34:07

I think you are a bit stuck ginger in that the decision is going to rest with you but it is hard for you to be firm about it while you are so mixed-up. If you can't face being without him you can at least continue to be very up-front with him - don't feel bad about telling him it's his own fault, you are only speaking the truth.

If he's not going then the best option right now is to insist he goes to counselling/therapy where he can at least learn how to express his emotions normally and discuss problems like an adult. It won't be the most loving environment but at least it won't be a battleground for your ds.

THrow him out. Honestly, you really need to throw him out, because otherwise he will just carry on sulking and stropping and performing and you will spend the rest of your life focussed on managing his moods.
Remember this: he is not a good person. Because good, reasonable people don't behave like this. He thinks he's the one in charge of the relationship, with the power to punish and control you, so really the only thing to do is get rid of him.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 01:07:10

Just read this thread all in one go and even before coming to the update about your chat, I thought 'affair'. The 'I love you but I'm not in love with you and haven't been for about a year' is the classic announcement from a man who's having an affair and has backdated the lost feelings to before his affair started.

In reality, it doesn't matter because what you're experiencing is emotional abuse and he needs to leave. I expect the reason he doesn't want to has got very little to do with anything more than he's got nowhere to go because the OW hasn't got free accommodation at the moment.

He's an abusive, nasty, controlling little shit and he's making me very angry because you, OP, have tried everything and he's still making you cry.

You deserve better and you won't get it from him, I'm sorry.

gingerbreadshoes Sun 24-Feb-13 10:18:21

We have had a proper chat now and have decided to give it a go once more for a month and see how we feel after that.

He admits that doesn't know what is making him unhappy and he thinks that if he left he would stay on his own (doubtful though). He also said that he knows going quiet isn't very nice for me but at least he knows that he has found a way to upset me so that I know he is annoyed with me which is why he does it.

He has also told me this morning that he doesn't think I realise just how much he does at home and he doesn't think I would be able to manage on my own. He quite clearly underestimates me because I would make sure I coped just so he couldn't have the satisfaction of saying I told you so!

I don't know if things will improve but at least this way I can say I tried and if it doesn't work out then that is it.

yellowbrickrd Sun 24-Feb-13 10:31:08

I like your answer about making sure you coped without him - you sound much stronger today all round. Good luck with everything ginger.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 10:38:07

See you in a month then sad

I agree with charbon. There is another woman so all this trying is a waste of time

dilemmanc Sun 24-Feb-13 10:44:05

ginger I'm in this situation as well. He occasionally gives and excuse for his behaviour and I step up and change and he doesn't change anything. I'm miserable, but I know what I need to do now. I'm not going to say here though because he's found one of my posts on here before. He talks to me now, but it's as though I'm a colleague or a sibling. He gives no affection, he doesn't help with the kids or round the house. He's like a useless moody fucking teenager sitting upstairs playing computer games and jacking off over teen porn. I talked to him about the porn and the fact I don't like it and he just said 'what do you expect when we only have sex once a month'. I really should have said 'what do YOU expect when you contribute nothing to our family and take everything important out of our relationship?'

I know what I need to do. And I'm going to do it. I've had enough of carrying everything while he does nothing.

Sorry for hijack, your story just rang some bells for me. He's also done the silent treatment thing as well and I know how much it sucks.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 11:12:34

Dilemmanc, your partner sounds like a waste of fucking space

Teen porn ?

Get him out of your house, fgs

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 11:23:43

That sounds very bossy blush

What I really meant is that I agree you should end your relationship

Xales Sun 24-Feb-13 11:45:23

Sorry you are going through this.

What do you realistically think you can achieve in 4 short weeks?

Your H has told you he doesn't love you, has been unhappy for over a year and deliberately does this to upset you rather than talking to you like a normal human being.

I am going to say that again.

He admitted he deliberately does this to upset you so you know he is annoyed with you.

He has spouted vague crap about work stress, extended this silence to your family as he was punishing you. Your H has admitted he did this to punish you. Punish you for what for having clothes out to sort? Seriously?!?!!?

So what are you going to do? Are you going to bend over backwards and attempt to be the perfect stepford wife in an attempt to make this man happier?

What is he going to do?

I am not going with the others and saying see you in a month. Please post here over the next month as a sounding board and in the hopes that you will wake up and see how shoddily this man is really treating you beyond just the 'silence'.

Trying over the next month means him trying also not just you running yourself ragged in the hopes of winning the prize he thinks he is.

Hi stuff would be in black bags on the front lawn. Fuck someone who I am in a relationship ignoring me. I wouldn't expect a stranger in the street to ignore me let alone someone I am in a relationship with!

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 13:06:33

I think that's a mistake OP. He's told you that he deliberately tries to upset you. What more do you need to know?

Since I think it's very likely he's having an affair but she can't accommodate him just yet, at least if you end this now you can control the timing of his departure. If you wait this out until he's ready to go, he will up sticks and leave you at the worst possible time for you.

gingerbreadshoes Sun 24-Feb-13 14:11:29

Tbh I don't actually think we will last a month as today hasn't exactly been great so far.

I suggested going out but as I had previously said I wanted to tidy ds's room he said we wouldn't be going out as I'd mentioned the tidying first. He does like to have a tidy house but I'm sure it could have waited.

Littleturkish Sun 24-Feb-13 14:15:14

fgs

is he helping you tidy?!

Xales Sun 24-Feb-13 14:18:46

Can you take the kids and go out without him?

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