Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone else feel their marriage is not a 'meeting of minds' and does it matter?

(36 Posts)
33goingon64 Wed 20-Feb-13 19:46:05

I have always known DH and I are not 'soul mates' and we didn't fall in love over long conversations about shared interests. There was a very strong physical attraction and a mutual fascination as we are a bit ying and yang, although we share important values like thinking it's important to be a good person, valuing intelligence and not having any religious beliefs, for example. And we are approaching parenting in very similar ways. In many other ways we differ wildly: career, cultural interests, political views to some extent, etc. I have never developed any interests in the things that excite him and although he has tried over the years to sample some of my interests (with some success) he still defaults to his own preferences (why shouldn't he, after all?).

I knew even on our wedding day, that it could be a problem, but I also knew from previous relationships that you can have too much in common and get bored, and what's more the common interest can mask problems as you still have so much to talk about. As I value so highly the more important attributes e.g. He's hard working, loving, a great dad, a caring son, a loyal friend, and he loves me so much, I thought it would be ok. I still think it can be ok, but I am increasingly irritated by the fact that we struggle to have free flowing, stimulating conversations more than about once every few months.

I don't believe that your DH should necessarily be your best friend, but can it last when (apart from a common love of your DC) you get excited by different things?

venusandmars Thu 21-Feb-13 15:35:35

Well I suppose that overall dp is probably more passive than I am wrt sex - but then that's partly because I was in an abusive relationship many years ago and so dp is very mindful about not pushing things if I'm clearly not up for it.

But in all of my own ups and downs, yes, when I feel fulfilled, then part of that is also wanting to feel like a sexual, kissable woman. And dp is there to fill the space (as it were!). But I also think there are times (not related to self-fulfillment / happiness) when our libido dips, or rises. Doesn't mean dp isn't the right partner.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 15:43:31

Do you get validation from work and could not working be a problem for you? I'm thinking along the lines of projection. If you don't feel positive and valued about yourself it will affect how you are in your relationship and you could be projecting this dissatisfaction onto your partner.

LaQueen Thu 21-Feb-13 18:34:04

I think sharing the same values is the most important thing?

DH and I share almost identical values and share very similar views on politics/religion - and we have a very similar educational background (both graduates etc).

But, other than that we are poles apart on most things...DH is very, very scientific and I'm very artsy/creative...DH loves sports and I hate it...DH loves all things technical and gadgety and I hate all that crap...I like to plan and organise and DH does everything ad hoc...

It's worked well though for nearly 22 years smile

33goingon64 Thu 21-Feb-13 19:07:44

Thanks all, this is very encouraging.

HappyAsEyeAm Fri 22-Feb-13 15:37:17

To many people, DH and I are very different. We have different politics, like different films and come at things from completely different angles. It is not usual for us to be with friends discussing anything and everything, and for us to have completely opposite views on everything being discussed.

But there are loads of things that we do agree on. Education, nearly everything to do with the children (discipline, diet, prioritising them, spending time with them), how we spend the time when we're not in work, make time for each other and our famiily, invest in our home, holidays and family life etc.

We spend a lot of time together. And we like each other. We are educated to the same level, and work in the same sector, so we understand what ecah other faces at work. I'm not sure that it is a meeting of minds for us, but more that we value each other and our family and what each of us does to create that and make it a happy one. But he will never make me vote Conservative like him

StephaniePowers Fri 22-Feb-13 15:40:22

I find DH and I get on better when we have time to focus on ourselves/each other. Having children around has altered the way we are together and tbh it's not always satisfying, we don't talk and connect as often as we used to, but when we have child-free time it's great. I feel confident we are just fine.
We do have different interests but we share so much more than we don't share iykwim.

LaQueen Fri 22-Feb-13 17:01:57

"I find DH and I get on better when we have time to focus on ourselves/each other. Having children around has altered the way we are together and tbh it's not always satisfying, we don't talk and connect as often as we used to, but when we have child-free time it's great."

I really identify with this ^ ^ ^ ^. The DDs have been at their GPs since Tuesday (it's half term) and the dynamic between DH and I is very different, when we have the house to ourselves.

littlecrystal Fri 22-Feb-13 21:04:58

With my ex, we believed we were soulmates and dearly loved each other. We divorced after 6 years of marriage because we couldn't worked out how to live together (rows, arguments etc)

I am definitely not a soulmate with DH but it is very easy to live with him (6 years now), however unfortunately I now realise that while surface is smooth, our values do not match and we do not have common vision about the future, so really not sure how long we are going to last. A bit sad.

StephaniePowers Sat 23-Feb-13 09:29:15

LaQueen I felt like such a mean person for writing that...
We adore our children and love their personalities.
I suppose it's like any group dynamic. It can be quite draining when we are all together and there's less time for just us (it's work and house and food and activities and homework and friends and repairs and maintenance and so on).
I do find it quite nice to look forward to being an empty-nester, is that terrible? blush We can eat when we want and actually get stuff done and shag a lot. Oh god is that the foundation of our relationship? Erk blush

Badvoc Sat 23-Feb-13 09:39:51

Similar to LQ...my dh and I have been together for 18 years this year.
Chalk and cheese really...
But we do share the same values..what we think is important.
He is a graduate, I am a working class girl who left school at 18. He is very technical and I am more creative.
He is quite conservative and I am not smile
I like to think we bring out the best in each other and I do feel our 2 dc get the best of both worlds iyswim?

LaQueen Sat 23-Feb-13 17:05:58

Steph doesn't make you a bad parent, just makes you an honest one.

I adore our DDs...but, I also adore having the house to myself...and the fact that, when our DDs are at their GPs, we can spontaneously decide to go for a drive in the evening, and stop off anywhere that looks nice for supper etc.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now