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XH living in a shit hole, feel awful, dont know what to do

(94 Posts)
fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 22:51:30

STBXH moved out 6 months ago. Lives in a bedsit and wont have kids over night as it isnt suitable.

He is really really poorly. Ive been trying to persuade him to come and stay, so we can feed him/look after him and beacuse he has no heating. he refuses

So I went round with dd1 today to check on him. i cant stop crying. He lives in a SHIT HOLE. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY hideous. His room is ok, but damp. But the communal areas/bathroom/kitchen are condemable. The toilet leaks and the house stinks of piss. The bathroom is black with mould.

I feel so so so guilty

Flojobunny Sun 17-Feb-13 23:11:04

I didn't mean he was a martyr for being broke. I meant a martyr for choosing to stay in poor conditions that doesn't provide for his DCs instead of taking OP up on her kind offer and staying with her and seeing his DCs.
Even on minimum wage if he's full time with no kids to pay for surely he can do better than that? Be a lodger or something instead of grubby bedsit.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:11:04

will he be entitled to benefits?

he is coming round for dinner tomorrow. I think I will ask him to move back. For a set period of time is a good idea. I really cant trust him not to drink though, that is the problem. I finally chucked him out after dd1 found him past out in a pool of vomit on the stairs one monday morning

LeChatRouge Sun 17-Feb-13 23:11:14

Firstly, he is an adult, you are not responsible for him.

But, secondly, you are a compassionate human who doesn't want to think of someone suffering.

Would he be receptive to you helping? I don't think you should have him back, unless you have a suitable spare room and the children fully understand this is because he is sick. How about you get him some medical help and then look for alternative accommodation for him?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:12:18

oh cestlavie you are right...it would really confuse the kids

Flojobunny Sun 17-Feb-13 23:12:46

Ok OP if he's that bad with the drink then I wouldn't move him back in. He's a grown man. Your responsibilities are to DC not him and finding him in a pool of vomit is completely unacceptable.

bestsonever Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:11

Maybe this could help him in the long run as having support from other people withdrawn may help him to face up to the effects of his drinking. Being supportive could enable him to carry on. Some need to reach rock-bottom before they will stop, if they do at all. If he prefers to spend his money on alcohol rather than on decent housing so his kids can see him, you have little choice but to let him. Your focus should stay on yours and your DC's life, otherwise he will drag you down with him. Be wary about what help you offer.

Clearlymisunderstood Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:22

Moving him back in would not be a good idea in my opinion, it's confusing for the children and blues the lines of your relationship with him. You could help him find somewhere better, you could help clean the property where he is ( if no other residents it will stay clean if he keeps on top of it)

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:30

I think you need to get him to a doctor - or if needsbe hospital - and take it down that route where he goes into hospital or a suitable place to care for him medically. You could explain to the doctor just how bad his living conditions are and get them on side. The plus of being in hospital is that that would also (hopefully) keep him away from drink.

Maybe ask him to stay over for a few nights from dinner, as a start, while a doctor's appointment or visit to A&E / walk in centre can be sorted?

I would suggest taking him to a walk in centre as it will sound less big a deal but if they are really worried about his condition they can arrange a referral to hospital.

TheOwlService Sun 17-Feb-13 23:17:05

How awful for you and for your children.

I agree its probably not a good idea at all to have him back TBH I would avoid this at all costs.

That doesnt mean you cant try and help him though, only you know if you want to. I think if it was me because we had children together I would try.

What you actually do to help him though is a tough one. Could your GP help?

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:17:42

And call environmental health tomorrow the council can do something bout private landlords if they running shitholes and charging people.

You could help him more by finding him a better place to stay if you really want to help him. Keep remembering your dd finding him in a pile of vomit. You just can't risk that happening again can you ?

But then why should you it his choice where he lives.

Don't have him back to put dd thru that again it would be cruel to dd.

He is an adult. However his lungs are. Up to him to seek help. Take him to hospital or gp if you like leave it to them

mathanxiety Sun 17-Feb-13 23:22:43

FH, do not adopt the role of mother for this man. You are not responsible for him or the choice he made of living quarters.

There are people who do helplessness very well. They create chaos and misery when they are living with their families and when they move out they live in similar squalor because that is their own self image. That is where they are comfortable.

And part of it is making themselves so incredibly helpless that someone with caretaker syndrome can't help herself and rushes in to the rescue. He is probably working on some unsuspecting kind female soul with a home of her own even now.

As the sober parent of truly helpless children you need to put them first and do not invite chaos and misery back into their lives. If rescuing people is your comfort zone you need to work on that. It is a disease. It is feeding your own ego at the expense of your unfortunate children.

'I finally chucked him out after dd1 found him past out in a pool of vomit on the stairs one monday morning'
shock shock angry
Don't put your poor children in the position where they might come upon another sight like this. It is abusive.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:24:17

he has been to the dr...he has antibiotics. He is under consultant care for his chest. I think the GP cant have read back through his records properly. I cant march him back in and demand prroper care can i. I cant micro-manage his life on that level.

His house is way way way beyond cleaning. It is beyond painting...it needs gutting/replastering etc etc.

if i call envrironmental health, I think they would board the property up

How do you get housing association accomodation?

mantlepiece Sun 17-Feb-13 23:26:35

so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think like other posters it is not your responsibility to care for another adult, especially as you have young children to support.

However, you obviously feel sorry to see someone in dire straights. If you do not feel he is being manipulative and not helping himself you would only be human to step in and help him.

Taking him back into your home is not the only option, could you help him go back to his family? They may be able to help with the finance of the move.

If he is alcoholic of course you need to step back, he would need to address that for himself.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 23:29:49

I would not take him back into your house.

He does not need to live like that. Can he not lodge somewhere, or rent a room in a shared house rather than live in a mould riddled house? Your DC might not be able to stay but at least you'd know he was somewhere warm, safe and dry.

I'd direct him to your nearest Housing Association office in the morning.

He is an adult. You split up for a reason. Don't risk exposing your children to that again.

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:30:31

Well maybe not, but I was thinking it might be worth doing things that get him medical help but keep him out of your house because then at least you would have done something but without the confusion and risk of having him back at your place. But this is a very difficult one to deal with. I would say again get him to go to a walk in centre. Maybe talk to him about that when he comes round.

MechanicalTheatre Sun 17-Feb-13 23:30:49

mathanxiety is right. You are not responsible for this man.

Can't he go back to his home country for a few months til he is a bit better? And save up?

OP, I have had a really chaotic life at times, and I promise you that if you take him in, you will not be helping him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Of course you can be compassionate, but at a safe distance. Give him the number for shelter, they will help him.

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:32:08

If the council condemn the house and the residents become homeless the council will help them. So start down that route.

Why are you inviting him for dinner ?

When my ex was bad (mh) I called his cousin, and his friends let them step in, I went to go and gave them information so they could decide what to do,

That is what you should do step back and let someone else step in,

He can't be trusted not to drink.

Put your dc first.

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:02

Gp not go. Give information to gp if you think it might help but is up to them t act on it or not

izzyizin Sun 17-Feb-13 23:38:18

As he's got a longstanding lung condition and now has a chest/lung infection, he should be assessed by a hospital A&E or thoracic department.

Can you persuade him to go to his nearest A&E or walk-in clinic? If he's admitted to hospital, have a word with the doctors and the social work department and explain his present living conditions as it could be that his lung condition is a disability which is sufficient for him to be classed as a 'vulnerable adult' and which will statutorily require his local authority to house/accomodate him.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:43:28

he has no one here. he cant get medical treatment in his home country, he cant return home to recover, his family cant help him

I hear what you are all saying about him not coming back here. It was so hard to split up in the first place anyway. It would be stupid and not fair on the kids

I cant believe that this is happening. Its too horrible

I need to think on all your suggestions...and work out what to do to help. I will talk to him tomorrow. I dont even know if he will let me help. I talk to hm about Environmental Health...and how that might invoke Council/HA help

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:51:20

If he refuses help there is nothing you can do.
Is up to him. Does he have no friends ?

AlfalfaMum Mon 18-Feb-13 00:34:13

Awful situation. I really don't see what you can do, though sad
Has he lived there the past six months? He should not be in a damp room with a lung condition.
How old are your dc?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 00:40:16

Ive just emailed Shelter for advice

I think Math is correct...this squalor is kind of part of his self image. Hes had a shitty life, and I dont think he expects better for himself. I also recognise that I cant and shouldnt try to be 'his saviour'...that is something i had to battle with in order to finally split up with him. And it was only the impact I knew his chaotic behaviour would have on the kids, that gave me the strength to go through with it

But I am finding this completely heart breaking. despite everything, I do love him and I cant bear to think of him like that

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 00:48:39

Do what you feel is right and what you will be happy with. Think ahead and plan it properly though. You did say that you were possibly as bad as each other and you said that he was emotionally negligent not abusive so hes maybe not a bad guy just incompatible. Just do what feels right cause you have to live with yourself and be happy with your decision.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:01:19

I keep having really dark thoughts. I don't think I am ok. I feel really panicky

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