Mumsnet Talk

STBXH moved out 6 months ago. Lives in a bedsit and wont have kids over night as it isnt suitable.

He is really really poorly. Ive been trying to persuade him to come and stay, so we can feed him/look after him and beacuse he has no heating. he refuses

So I went round with dd1 today to check on him. i cant stop crying. He lives in a SHIT HOLE. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY hideous. His room is ok, but damp. But the communal areas/bathroom/kitchen are condemable. The toilet leaks and the house stinks of piss. The bathroom is black with mould.

I feel so so so guilty

Why did you split?

why did your relationship end ?

There must have been good reasons for that

he is an adult...don't feel guilty about him

Why did you split up? Does he work/pay maintenance?

i couldnt cope with his drinking, mostly. I think he was emotionally abusive...more emotionally completely neglegent. But I wasnt very nice either. Probably just compketely incompatible. We should never have got married and had kids.

he moved to UK, to be with me. Which is probably why I feel so guilty

I just want him to be OK

why is he living there?

why should you feel so guilty?

He works but is on a low wage. I agreed to him not paying maintenance for 2 years, as I had no money to give him and I stayed in the family home and we have/had a joint mortgage

Only he can ensure that he is ok though. By dealing with his drinking and earning enough money to not have to live in a shithole.

If I was feeling really uncharitable, then I would offer the suggestion that he is hoping you will feel guilty, being all noble and self-denying about coming to stay. Just upping the stakes on the emotional abuse.

I almost want him to come back. I really cant cope with the thought of him living there. I dont think he would come back anyway

I cant have him back

He's an adult. He has choices. If he wants to stay there and be martyr that's his choice. What kind of illness?

So if he pays no maintenance then where is his wage going?

i dont know what to do

i dont think he is trying to guilt me...he didnt expect me to go round...he has never told me the address and the kids have only been a couple of times. He was suprised dd remembered how to find it

Could he look for something else but not your place? Is he in housing association type accommodation or private landlord?

If he's that ill, should he be in hospital?

It could be that the self-neglect is the sympathy card. He is an adult and so shoud take care of himself. Be glad you are not having to take care of him as well as yourself.
By the way my two arsehead exs are both single and living i various shitholes. I count myself glad that they are not a part of my life now

he has a ling infection flojo. But he only has 3/4 of a functioning lung. The other 1 1/4 is scar tissue; which is prone to bleeding. So besides having the normal infection...he is in danger of bleeding out and of not getting enough oxygen. Im scared he will die. there is no other residents in the house atm. no one to check on him. although he seemed better than he sounded on the phone. He was out of bed

You shouldnt feel guilty.
But I would hope that people would have compassion for him.

Is he still drinking?

snazzy I think he should be in hospital yes

I dont know where his wage is going...its really low. he is supposedly saving a deposit to be able to rent some where suitable for the kids. But tbh, I dont think his wages would cover rent and bills for anywhere.

Oh gawd, what a hideous mess

he cant drink at the moment

I think people are being a bit harsh here. People who live in conditions like this aren't martyrs; they are completely broke.

Could you ask him if he wants to come back for a set period of time, eg three months, while he gets better? The condition of course would have to be that he doesn't drink.

I don't think it's a good idea to take him back. I do think it's normal to feel bad for him, after all, you must have cared about him at one point.

He was emotionally neglegent towards you...do you think he would help you out in the same circumstances?

Do you think he is getting all the benefits he is entitled to?

Agree with ImperialBlether.

I would see if he could come back, get better and save towards a deposit. It sounds awful. Is there much equity in the house?

You are not responsible for him

Don't confuse the dc by having him back if there were good reasons for splitting.

If he is ill he should go to hospital and get help. Let him go back t his home country for a while to get well and be with his family

Would you let him come back and use this time to save for somewhere better.
My ex is struggling to find somewhere suitable to live.