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I've been dumped by my friend/acquaintance, haven't I? (Long & self-pitying!)

(48 Posts)
Justonemoreissue Thu 14-Feb-13 09:38:56

So, met a "friend", lets call her Sandra (name changed naturally!) at a post-natal group. We attend a few of the same groups together; however she works part time, I am a WAHM just starting to go back to the office now.

It is reasonable to say that we would not maybe naturally be friends if we'd met without children, but our DS's play nicely together (both just over 2) and we laugh together when we see each other. All a bit superficial, but pleasant, polite and all fine.

The local toddler group has been shut last week and this. I am part of the committee, so when it was an unexpected closure last week (expected this week due to holidays), I telephoned round to let people know, and suggested to Sandra that we take the boys out to the local soft play. She declined and said she was going to go food shopping instead - which is fair enough. I then said that I'd see her next week - forgetting it was the holidays.

Realised after the conversation my mistake, and texted her that I'd forgotten about the closure, and did she want to come round to mine instead. She agreed. I then texted back that I'd see her then, and I was off to take DS to the soft play.

Few minutes later, she then texted back that actually, she'd been invited by another friend to go, so she'd see me there. Bit hmm about this, but fair enough. We then went to the soft play, and she spend the entire time not talking to me much - very monosyllabic and closed answers to my questions, but full on chatting to the other friend.

To today, and I'd posted on the toddler group website last week that I was offering my house for play (and tea/coffee), and a few other mums agreed it would be nice to come round (three in total).

Since last week, Sandra and I have been in contact via text and email (it's easier due to toddlers and work!), with no hint of anything bothering her - swapped recipes, asked after each others family - all normal to my eyes.

Fast forward to today, and I texted another friend to give her my address (I'd forgotten to do that!) and she texted back that she and Sandra were actually going to the soft play centre, was I not coming?

Turns out that Sandra has taken it upon herself to organise a trip out to the soft play. I was not invited - there is nothing on Facebook (group webpage) and no texts to me. I then texted her (on a random pretext) and she has only now told me about the trip; so while it may have been a genuine oversight (very unlikely), it feels more deliberate.

I've been dumped haven't I?

I actually feel quite angry and then terribly sad. I've gone to quite a bit of bother making cakes and things, and making sure that what I've done is suitable for her son who has allergies. I can't think of anything I've done to offend her enough that she would then try to sabotage (not the right word, but I can't think of what else to use) other people coming to mine.

I'm very shy, and I can't confront her, so I guess I'm just not going to do anything and back away. So sad...

pictish Thu 14-Feb-13 09:48:41

Maybe you've been dumped, maybe not. I don't think you have tbh. Perhaps she wants to widen her mum pal circle a bit? If you have done nothing to upset or offend her at all, there's no reason for her to deliberately discount you.
Perhaps she was talking to her other friends and the soft play idea popped up then?
When I organise, or get invited along to things, I truly do not think to consider every other person I know. I just do it...or go along. No thought involved.

I think you're perhaps edging towards being needy. Sorry. Eeek!

CockBollocks Thu 14-Feb-13 09:55:42

Ummm, if i'm honest you sound a bit suffocating. I would probably be trying to back away to.

That said I wouldn't have not invited you to the play centre as that does seem quite mean.

Out of interest did you not try to talk to the other friend too when you were out? Maybe you are too focused on her and need to widen your circle too.

MadBusLady Thu 14-Feb-13 10:06:38

You sound incredibly aware of and invested in who last texted what and to whom. That would put me on edge around you TBH. I'm also not sure why the hmm face because she said she'd see you AT the softplay rather than go WITH you.

I also think it's possible all that's happened is that she sees your offer of your house for this week's play as quasi-official (cos you're on the committee). So it didn't occur to her to invite you to the softplay instead. She assumed the house play thing would be going ahead but she decided to go to softplay and invited a few other mums she happened to be talking to.

Are you usually very formal in the way you organise things? It honestly wouldn't occur to me to set up a Facebook event or do a ring-round for something so simple. I'd just keep mentioning it to people.

sweetestB Thu 14-Feb-13 10:07:50

Hi, I think Sandra is jealous of you and wants to be the queen bee. She needs to eliminate you in order to do so as you are active in the playgroup. Now with the playgroup closure, she sees the opportunity to try and be more popular than you are. Sorry, not very articulate and just my opinion but I don't think you seem needy and sufocating. And it was a very lovely idea to organise playdates in your OWN house NOT soft play. I wish I had a friend like you when my daughter was 2. You can work on yourself in being more assertive too if you wish, nothing wrong in asking people directly why they are acting weird/ignoring you/ if you did anything wrong. Take care.

Fairenuff Thu 14-Feb-13 10:11:46

I don't arrange any of my social outings on facebook groups. Sometimes people just arrange to meet up fairly informally.

It's a pain to have to be thinking about so-and-so all the time in case you offend someone. Especially if you have lots of casual friends, it makes it difficult to meet up sometimes because one or other of the group can't make it. So much easier just to go with the flow.

Try not to take it personally and just be friendly next time you meet. If she really doesn't want to be friends it will fizzle out fairly naturally. But it doesn't have to be anything against you personally, just the way things are sometimes.

sweetestB Thu 14-Feb-13 10:18:32

Sandra said she couldn't go to soft play because she needed to do food shopping but when other friend invited, than she didn't need to do food shopping anymore. The only reason she txt OP to say 'see you there' it is because she wanted to avoid an awkward situation. But she pretty much ignored OP while there. Than Sandra actively sabotage OP's event. Sorry OP seems like she doesn't like you, it isn't necessarily your fault but bare in mind there are a LOT of gossip in some mums groups and jealousy too. Best to have few reliable friends who you would be friends with regardless children, than a wide circle of superficial fake 'friends'.

sweetestB Thu 14-Feb-13 10:20:41

I mean, nothing wrong with being polite and friendly with a bunch of superficial people with children same age, but if you are going through the trouble to offer your house and make cakes which is just lovely, cherry pick the lucky ones.

saycheeeeeese Thu 14-Feb-13 10:31:53

I'dd just not bother with her from now on OP, you sound lovely can I come and eat your homemade cake

Its like school all over again, do these situations ever end??or just repeat at every stafe if your life?

pictish Thu 14-Feb-13 10:41:54

Only if you let it.
I don't have any of this angst going on in my life. I don't let it bother me.
Friendships are often invested in like romances...the intensity, the psychological minefield, the self doubt....
Nah...it's not for me. I grew out of that. If it's hard work, it's not worth having.
There are two (or even three) sides to this story. The OP feels rebuffed. The OP's friend may feel a bit stifled. Or perhaps the OP's friend is a classic Wendy, like sweetestB describes.

OP - my advice is keep yourself busy and happy, and see what churns up over the next wee while. Self preservation and all that. x

NettleTea Thu 14-Feb-13 10:49:51

plus you have admitted yourself that if it were not for the kids then you probably wouldnt be friends. She hasnt been overtly nasty to you, but when you have your first kids and they start to grow up you begin to move away from the post natal group and veer back towards the sort of people you would normally go around with.
Post natal groups can serve a great purpose, especially for first time mums, and even more so for SAHM/WAHM s who can feel very isolated after coming out of the world of work and heading into the world of motherhood. It can be great to have others who are going through the same things and who understand what you are going through, as old friends who are not at the same life stage cannot quite get it. However its not uncommon for these groups to have a natural lifetime to them. Occassionally people find lifelong mates through them, but more times the group meet ups become less frequent, and people drift away. Same with playgroup. And once they start school its even more pronounced as you dont tend to accompany your kids on their playdates.
I would suggest widening your group of friends as much as possible and try not to take it personally. Find mums who you share interests/beliefs with. Find women with older kids, or no kids. Start getting some more friendships for yourself and let your LO find the kids he enjoys playing with, but try not to tie up your friends with his mates friends as it doesnt always work like that. My DD has friends who's mums I like but I dont particularly go round to tea with. Similarly I have friends and my DD doesnt like their daughter too much. DS is easy. He likes everyone!
Try not to mull over it so much, dont take it personally. Enjoy the company of the mums and kids who dowant to come to yours, dont get hung up on whatever this other mum is doing. She may not have unceramoniously 'dumped' you, but she may just have found some other people who she really clicks with.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 14-Feb-13 11:04:00

Other MNers have beaten me to it but I'll just add, it's a shame but dust yourself off, consign her to the okay-on-a-superficial-level group of people you may meet from time to time.

It is reasonable to say that we would not maybe naturally be friends if we'd met without children, but our DS's play nicely together (both just over 2) and we laugh together when we see each other. All a bit superficial, but pleasant, polite and all fine.

So treat her like an acquaintance, not as a friend.

HecateWhoopass Thu 14-Feb-13 11:17:01

Yes, perhaps she feels exactly the same way about you as you do about her - she's not that keen.

Maybe it would be better to not try to force a friendship where it's clear it's not going to come naturally, and look elsewhere for people that you feel you can be actual friends with, rather than a friendship of convenience, iyswim.

You'd be much happier, you know you would.

MadBusLady Thu 14-Feb-13 11:22:39

Oh I see, I misunderstood the softplay/shopping thing. In that case, what NettleTea et al said. She just sounds a lot less focused on you than you are on her.

Betterbet Thu 14-Feb-13 11:27:09

I'm a bit confused though, are they actually going to soft play today instead of coming to your house? If so incredibly rude and mean of her as she and they had accepted your kind invitation. Other friends a bit rude as well but sounds like they thought plans had changed and you were coming to soft play.

I would not bother with Sandra any more, and see if any other friendships develop with the other mums. But I don't think you sound that needy and I feel really sorry that your effort has gone to waste, don't give up trying!

saycheeeeeese Thu 14-Feb-13 11:28:13

I would tell the others what she did.

Sandra is a cowbag.

sweetestB Thu 14-Feb-13 11:47:58

Oh yes picthish, wendy.... Mine came out of the dark to tell one of my friends that 'sweetest doesn't like to mix up with other mums' when in reality it was her who ignored me, pushed me away, and perhaps gossiped about me behind my back....huuuum. As I didn't care and got new real friends who I genuinely get on with on a childless/no play date/toddler tamtrum support level, she isn't happy to see I have survived.

pictish Thu 14-Feb-13 11:50:01

I got royally wendied when I was about 20. They are out there.

MadBusLady Thu 14-Feb-13 11:54:20

Blimey, have I just been oblivious to Wendying all my life? It sounds awful!

sweetestB Thu 14-Feb-13 12:40:22

I got wendied when my daughter was 2. Now that she is nearly 6 and we both survived and thrived out of Wendy's sight, she came back out of nowhere to poison a new friend who wasn't in the picture all those years ago, to try and keep wendieng me even more. Isn't going to work. And if said friend decide to believe in Wendy so well rid for me. Thanks Wendy!!!

pictish Thu 14-Feb-13 12:46:16

Mine was a double wendy as well. I moved to make a fresh start, and she soon followed with a trail of my former friends behind her, and stireed the shit with my new social group as well.
I think the same as you - cheers for weeding out the detritus for me. You cunt.

mirry2 Thu 14-Feb-13 12:48:12

Have I missed something? What is being 'wendied'?

Laura0806 Thu 14-Feb-13 12:55:40

I disgaree with the people who said you sound needy. I think you just seem reasonably upset. The way she has behaved is out of order. I would never accept an invite and then decide to organise something else instead and take the other mums with me! I think its fair to say shes either jealous of you or doesn't feel she connects with you and is looking for other friends. Either way, I would just be polite but cool with her from now on and extend your kind invites to people who actually are worth bothering with.I ceratinly wouldn't invite her to anything again but please dont give up doing the meet ups, there will be other mums out there who will click with you and will be grateful for it xxx

calypso2008 Thu 14-Feb-13 13:08:43

OP you sound lovely. You sound organised, thoughtful and kind and a lovely, lovely friend to have - I would grab your friendship with both hands.

Sandra is indeed a cowbag and jealous of you/threatened in some way. So I agree with saycheeeese and SweetestB

Horrid though, as when your social world is understandably reduced with a 2 yr old -these things matter.

Try not to fret OP. This really doesn't sound your fault in the slightest.

Laura0806 Thu 14-Feb-13 13:15:45

SweetestB, why do you think this women treated you like that? out of jealously? A v close frind of mine has recently dropped me from all social gatherings where she had invied our mutual friends, all but one of these friends she actually met through me, and when they asked where I was she said I couldn't make it (she never asked). Also she has gone round to them bursting into tears saying I haven't invited her to anything when in fact the complete opposite is true. I have asked her if I have upset her in anyway and she just says of course not sweetie! I believe this is triggered by two situations which have made her jealous, one connected to our children and one to me. I was devastated but now view it as her having done me a favour, given me more time to meet others and stopped me from wasting more time on her. Sorry to hijack original thread OP with my own story but I guess it goes to show you're not alone and there are women who for whatever reason need to be ' queen bee'. My fear is that she will carry on spreading her posion and people will bekieve I am not a nice person and have treated her badly. Fortunately so far people have told me what she said because they know Im not like that . I am hoping it will just reflect badly on her not me! xxx

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