Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Destructive Relationship - to save or not ?

(3 Posts)

I am not too sure where to start really.
Me and my sister had always been close, our dad was an alcoholic and my mum more or less abandoned us and left me to bring up my sister, I treated her like she was virtually mine and paid for driving lessons, helped her get jobs, helped her get her first car, was there when she got all exam results etc. I basically did everything for her including the emotional bit of my dad leaving.
I thought that bond would be there for life and she seemed pretty happy she had a long term boyfriend of seven years, a decent job (in the same place as me). I also had a great boyfriend and a little girl. However her boyfriend suddenly decided she was not what he wanted, dumped her and within a year met somebody else and married her. I am guessing this is what triggered her changing, she has always been selfish she comes first and nobody else mattered. She spent a lot of time with me and my family and when I took on a second job to help support my family she started spending more and more time with my boyfriend while I was at work, this was noticed by other members of the family and I was told to tell her top back off – but hey she was my sister something like that was never going to happen. As I said she works at the same office that I do and sits literally 2 foot from my desk which had always worked. I did the early shift as I then had to go to work at night and needed my boyfriend to look after our daughter and she did the late shift, I then got called into a meeting at work to be told that she was not happy with her hours and she wanted to do a week of each, obviously I was gobsmacked as nothing had been mentioned to me and it was not something that I could do as I had my two jobs to help support my family. When I asked her why she wanted to do it she basically said it was what she wanted and she was going to get it. Something snapped and I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her if she could stitch me up like that.
I went home and told my boyfriend who was sympathetic for about an hour and then said that maybe she had a point and that it wasn’t fair to work the same hours all the time. Needless to say I exploded and we had a huge row. I told him I didn’t want anything to do with her and got back that was fine be she still needed to see our daughter and that he would deal with that side of it. So while I was at work at nights she would come for tea and leave 5/10 mins before I got home, he still stayed fri8ends with her and would go to the cinema etc with her (believe me looking back I know I should have ahd my head reading) it caused a lot of rows but he wouldn’t stop being friends and it basically split us up.
Since then me and my daughter have been so much happier and I didn’t have either on them in my life, it is easy to be civil and that is all at work although I had rumours of allsorts going around spread by her about my ex getting custody of my daughter etc. I knew they were still friends until last year when suddenly they stopped talking and haven’t done since and they avoid each other like the plague.
I decided for my daughter’s sake and the fact the atmosphere was horrible to try and make things civil with my sister, it was very hard but we managed to muddle through as long as my ex was not mentioned. I think I know deep down that they had a relationship and defintaly slept together but shoved it to one side and tried to forget about it.
However it is an underlying current and is always there, I know I need to either deal with it and move on or just cut her out of my life, she is still the selfish person she always has been I know she slates me behind my back at work and to other family members and I suddenly feel like I have been a mug about it all. She has my daughter for me for a few hours on a wed night as I have always been keen for her to retain a relationship with her. But myself I am getting to the point where I can’t be bothered with her childish jibes and selfish attitude.

I guess my question is do I try and give her a chance or just cut her out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 10:47:40

I don't think it's ever as black and white as that with family. If you can keep her at arms' length, decide your terms and make any interaction polite/civil, you don't have to think in terms of either chances or cutting out. However, at the same time, you don't have to be on the brunt end of nasty rumours etc.

Dryjuice25 Mon 11-Feb-13 11:27:07

Do you actually have any proof that they slept together?

You are in a very difficult position. It's like dealing with a teenage troublesome teenage daughter and clearly, she has issues. It strikes me that the communication barrier needs to be addressed as I don't see any way this can be solved. There is too much about rumour rather than talking to each other and being open about your feelings. You have been through so much together and to just throw that away without trying would be a shame.

By the way I don't condone the inappropriate relationship your sibling had with your ex. But the ex colluded in this big time and showed absolute disregard for your feelings too and probably took advantage of a vulnerable/naive young woman too

You sound like a very giving person. I would try and repair this relationship and move on from this mess. You will always have your sister even though men might come and go. I disagree that you should keep her at arms length, but not without sitting down and having a serious chat about what has gone wrong though and how you intend to move forwards and then she can fuck off if she continues to be toxic

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now