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Found out close family has said awful things about me behind my back, really gobsmacked and hurt

(15 Posts)
ScottyDoc Sun 10-Feb-13 17:01:04

To give you a bit of background, both parents had bad/damaging upbringings, my dad is a narcissist and fortunately my mum is great, v supportive and always there for me. I found out last night via my dad that my own grandmother has apparently gossiped in a horrible way about me being in receipt of benefits previously (god only knows how she knew this, because I was about a year ago before dp moved in so another family member must have told her for some strange reason) and its just made me feel like utter shit. This grandmother is a wealthy woman and was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and acts nice as pie to my face. I thought we had a good relationship and then I find out she's said this. Younger sis also reluctantly confirmed she'd said it but sis didn't want to tell me as she thought it was shit stirring etc. dad also has said horrible things about me behind my back to my own sisters and other people, but again is nice as pie to my face!! Him and grandmother aren't related interestingly. How the fuck do I move on from it and not care??

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Feb-13 17:27:15

Pick up the phone and say to granny.... 'what's this you've been saying to everyone about me and benefits?' Call her out on it and let her know you don't like being the subject of gossip. She'll think twice before doing it again.

dondon33 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:47:03

You have 2 options

1) confront and say next time anyone of them has poisonous shitty comments to make then they'd be far more respected if they said them to your face.

2) Ignore- it's not anyone's business what you do in your life.

Whatever you do don't allow them to get you down. Some people are just downright opinionated shit stirrers with nothing better to do in their sad lives than gossip about others.
Chin up Scotty

Dryjuice25 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:50:15

I feel for you as something similar happened to me which devasted me but I was so glad that now the cards were in the open, we knew what we really felt about each other instead of being in the dark. Luckily I didn't care it happened. I was relieved that I didn't have to worry about xmas and birthday presents for this persons family and which cost me a fortuneand now I'm not interested in anything that has anything to do with them to have the facts as I was empowered to move forward in the light ofthis info and now I feel free and don't have to endure christmases with them!

Luckily for me I didn't really care about their opinion but I was bothered this person tried to turn the whole family against me, which I feelwas a form of playground bullying,by saying some really nasty stuff.

Do you really care what she thinks? She sounds snooty and quite frankly out of touch as it's nothing shameful to be on benefits as your circumstance requires. I am on benefits since I lost my job last year and I see this phase in my life as circumstantial and I'm not ashamed. You could confront there if it really matters to you or you could just cut her out?

nkf Sun 10-Feb-13 17:51:11

It sounds like dad and grandmother were talking right? But he told you what she had said. Right? Possibly neither said anything or didn't say anything much. Or it's all true. You can call them on it but be prepared to hear that somebody else made it up. Or you can ignore it. Or you could take the "people are accusing you of being spiteful gossips. I think you should know" approach.

Dryjuice25 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:52:18

her not there!

ScottyDoc Sun 10-Feb-13 17:54:08

Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated. I'm someone without much of a backbone unfortunately so confrontation isn't an option. Stupid flipping families.

ScottyDoc Sun 10-Feb-13 17:57:52

She has damaged her own kids, my grandmother, and has little interest in her grandchildren. Recently bought her a lovely bouquet of flowers, what a waste of time and money. She's not a narcissist herself but has such a nasty side. Why the fuck are people nice to faces and then spout bile behind backs???

dondon33 Sun 10-Feb-13 18:26:31

If you don't want to confront directly, then possibly drop into the conversation about 'a friend' who was shocked to find out people were gossiping behind her back or something similar and how you think it's unacceptable, shocking, disgusting......
It doesn't put you on the spot and all in a tizz as a direct confrontation would but gets the message across that YOU KNOW grin

ScottyDoc Sun 10-Feb-13 18:56:13

That's a gooden, I could try that to make them squirm!! Think it might be beneficial to read some threads about toxic family members.

Merl0t Sun 10-Feb-13 20:39:32

I was on benefits for ages and my philosophy is that im relieved

Merl0t Sun 10-Feb-13 20:42:31

The safety net is there fir those who need it. Thank goodness the help is out there. i took it i was grateful and i refuse to be ashamed. nobody who was born with a silver sppoon , or whose marriage has not broken up or who has not lost their job is entitled to judge you. they literally arent equipped. too detached from the realuties.

izzyizin Sun 10-Feb-13 20:43:38

Why the fuck are people nice to faces and then spout bile behind backs

Because they're hypocrites and hypocrites are very often spineless, scared to voice their poison opinions to the object of their scorn.

Time for you to take stock and make sure you haven't inherited a family trait?

Merl0t Sun 10-Feb-13 20:44:28

I like dondons idea. maybe you could quote herman melville. discuss lack of empathy etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 07:32:25

"I'm someone without much of a backbone unfortunately so confrontation isn't an option."

Then you're going to feel like this your whole life... sorry. You can't avoid confrontation on the one hand and then get upset when people hurt your feelings on the other. At some point you have to stand up for yourself. Takes some courage and a lot of practise but it's important for a happy life to be assertive.

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