Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I just chill the f*ck out?? I need wise-woman-advise here

(6 Posts)
SweetieBrown Sat 09-Feb-13 18:38:38

I've been involved with a man for around 8 months. I love him dearly and we've had an amazing time together in the months since we met. We spent all of Christmas together, he's excellent with my children, he took me and his mum out for a mean to introduce us and we went out for a meal last night with my parents so he could meet them. In a few weeks he is taking me to a family get together at his sister's house.

He's serious isn't he?

So why the fuck do I worry that he isn't?? why do I spend my time thinking he "MUST" have other motives for being with me? why do I find myself welling up whenever a marriage comes on TV because I just assume it will never happen to me? why do I assume we won't be together this time next year? it just seems too good to be true and I've almost convinced myself that he plans to dump he as soon as we've been on an upcoming weekend away and the only reason he hasn't so far is because he doesn't want to lose the money he's paid out?!

He reassures me time after time but it just never sinks in. I have a string of shit relationships and for the first time in my life I've met a REAL man, someone I love and respect, someone I actually want to spend time with but it all seems too good to be true.

He's currently saving up a deposit for a house and he's told me he wants me and my children to move with him when he goes. So why do I find myself thinking "what a load of bullshit!?" and why do I have to constantly stop myself from asking "do you still want us to live together??"

Why do I need that constant reassurance?

And why can't I just chill the fuck out and enjoy the present rather than worrying about it all ending constantly?

CatelynStark Sat 09-Feb-13 18:45:02

I think you're just trying to protect yourself subconsciously. I would be exactly the same (if I could be bothered to find a new man).

Eight months isn't very long - by which I mean that if it was eight years and you were still feeling insecure, then I would say you have an issue.

Why don't you just see how it goes, be a little guarded and hopefully, you'll relax more as he proves himself to be a keeper?

OneMoreGo Sat 09-Feb-13 18:52:07

There's different stuff going on here at once - have you processed the fallout from previous relationships? Could you use some counselling to build up your self esteem, perhaps (which may have been lacking if you have found yourself in a string of shit relationships)?

The other thing is that your instincts could still be kicking in. I don't know how much they've been warped by past experience but maybe he's not a good 'un and you sense it? He sounds perfectly lovely but if you are feeling anxious then don't put yourself in a position where you could be terribly hurt until you feel more confident and trusting.

Someone said that good relationships are just easy - they sort of flow and you don't feel wildly paranoid all the time because it's just right. I think there in something in this, judging from my own experience. And I have had plenty of shit relationships! I also think at the same time that you have to be in the right place mentally before a good trusting relationship can happen, and that may include solo counselling as mentioned above. Good luck.

Forester Sat 09-Feb-13 19:01:11

Hi. I don't think it's unreasonable to be cautious given your previous experiences. But unless he does something specifically to cause you concerns (when it could be appropriate to discuss directly with him) I think you should discuss any doubts you have with friends and not with him. And also 8 months is pretty early in a relationship so I would be focussing on the next couple of months at this stage - not planning well into the future.

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 19:05:54

Nothing wrong in being cautious and taking it as it comes.

Some bad ones seem really good to start with, and seeming serious at the beginning is no guarantee it will work out in the long term.

If you move in with him to his house, you might end up contributing towards the cost of the mortgage and end up with no stake in it. So, it would lower costs for him and you might find yourself "stuck" with nowhere to go.
It would be different if he was making plans to buy a house with you.

So, perhaps your instincts are working. Or it's just you being overly careful. But time will tell.

Hypermutley Sat 09-Feb-13 19:40:37

your past experience in 'shit relationships' makes you cautious and insecure about the good man's intentions. it is natural, it is a self protection mechanism. dont lose your gut instinct but dont deny yourself what you deserve.

leave the past behind where it belongs. the way people treat you is not because of anything you've done its because they're shit heads. you've found someone who knows how to treat people right, a 'good un' so appreciate the man.

dont put him off by constantly needing reassurance... your past and your insecurites are not his fault. he shouldnt be made to feel as if he has to prove himself to you all the time.

accept his love. if you want to move your relationship on with him accept his future plans. plan your future with him why dont you so you feel part of it.

how do you chill the f*ck out - in the morning before you open your eyes ask yourself what you want in a man and a relationship and think of what you have with this man - simples. you may not get out of bed straight away wink but it'll all be good.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now