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DH has no interest in sex at all !

(46 Posts)
wondawoman1 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:02:49

Well, maybe I'm over-reacting but I'm really fed up with hubbie as since our Dd arrived 7 months ago we've only done the deed 3 times! I've always been the one to instigate things and to be honest I'm really fed up with the rejection. Had a lovely straightforward birth and was ready to start having sex again three weeks after; but he always makes up the excuse he is tired !! He works full time and enjoys his job, it's stressful but he's always managed before. He's not having an affair as he's always home; he drinks moderately and I'm in no doubt this is having an impact . Sorry for long winded thread sad

Bluegrass Sat 09-Feb-13 07:52:58

MrsMushroom - that's a ridiculously simplistic view!

The arrival of a new baby knocks everyone for six. He has gone through his own hormonal changes too. His libidos may just be going through a low patch and general tiredness/additional feelings of responsibility to his growing family probably don't help.

It may well gradually get back to normal. Just try to make sure you can enjoy being close and tactile without there necessarily being any pressure to have sex.

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Feb-13 08:01:41

It's not. Baby or not, men just don't go off sex unless they are unwell (mentally or physically) or there is another woman. OP has not said if she's spoken to him about it either.

wondawoman1 Sat 09-Feb-13 08:12:25

Ya have asked him and his only response is I'm tired ! He goes to bed around 10 every night , up at 8 am uninterrupted !! I'm still bf so co-sleep with dd but I always get up early and go into his bed for cuddles ... That's all I get !! I'm just annoyed as its always women getting a hard time because their tired !! I'm really making an effort and its like I'm invisible sad

Def not another woman ; he's always home . ( if not in pub).

I'm inclined to think depression sad or he's gone off me.... What happens if he's depressed?? There's a huge family history of depression in my family and I know it's a tough road sad

Bluegrass Sat 09-Feb-13 08:13:47

Have you actually met any men? The things that can influence their sex drive are as many and varied as any other humans (women included). You seem to be describing priapic cartoon characters, not fully rounded people with complex psyches!

Bluegrass Sat 09-Feb-13 08:16:44

Food my response was to MrsMushroom's comment.

OP - I don't think your DH deserves a hard time any more than you would if you were still not feeling all that up for sex.

Bluegrass Sat 09-Feb-13 08:17:27

Damn auto correct - food was faod!

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 08:51:05

If he's getting 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night and is still tired, he needs to see a doctor.

Bitofadviceplease Sat 09-Feb-13 09:08:24

I share your pain, I'm only 2 months in to a relationship & only had sex twice & we're practically living together.

He's just not interested, rarely touches me or is too tired!

In saying that, he perfect in so many other ways.

I don't think there's one simple reason, could be many things

SuperGlumFairy Sat 09-Feb-13 09:12:58

I would put money on it being depression, even if he seems to be managing his job well he could just be going through the motions. Nip it in the bud now, sit him down and talk to him, maybe get him to do an online depression quiz or better yet, go and see your GP.
Your husband sounds a lot like mine was, stressful job, always tired and lack of libido. His depression has now led to a full fledged affair and he left me with 3 kids for his high school crush. He was better for a while when he was on medication,but of course then thought he was okay and came off the meds. IF your husband is depressed it may even just be he needs some counselling to get strategies for coping with his work/home stresses to find some balance.
Does he generally eat well, is he active, is he gaining or losing weight?

TDada Sat 09-Feb-13 09:29:44

Worth a GP checkup. Diabetes etc is a possibility. Hopefully not. Aerobic exercise is also a help. Shame that you can't play some sport/exercise together. Cures all! Suspending time with other couples that you like can also trigger deep affection for each other.

Is your partner unhappy with his job?

Bluegrass Sat 09-Feb-13 09:41:20

An amazed that some people seem to genuinely think that men are basically machines that want sex, and if they don't want sex they are either ill in their mind or their body or they are getting it elsewhere.

babybarrister Sat 09-Feb-13 09:51:10

Not sure bluegrass anyone is saying this is limited to men - we are all programmed to want sexgrin

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 10:55:51

The only person using the word "machine" is you, Bluegrass.

Wanting to have sex doesn't make a person into a machine, and it's pretty insulting to insinuate that it does.

Regardless of his sex drive, a young man who is still tired after 10 hours sleep every night should be questioning his health.

That's a lot of sleep for an adult to be getting and still be tired.

Tiredness is the first symptom of a lot of nasties.

MajesticWhine Sat 09-Feb-13 11:11:42

Depression is often indicated by sleep disruption, but also sleeping too much can lower mood.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Feb-13 12:47:09

Do men really go through "hormonal changes" when their partner is pregnant and after the birth ?

Really ?

wondawoman1 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:08:08

He doesn't exercise , likes a drink , and is a lazy shite around the house . Have mentioned several times that it seems strange he's tired when he gets his sleep! Sometimes I think he's using tiredness as an excuse! Thanks again for advice tho... I'll have a chat with him tonight and see if I can get him to see gp.

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 14:23:20

No men don't go through hormonal changes after becoming fathers.

Some men go through psychological changes though. One of which is the Madonna/Whore complex that's been mentioned.

I think this bloke's got that, especially as he went off sex while the OP was pregnant.

There's no evidence he's suffering from depression either - and I'm getting tired of this being offered as a catch-all excuse for every example of make fuckwittery.

There is evidence that this bloke is a selfish, lazy sexist though who doesn't seem to give a fuck about his wife's needs, whether that's for rest, sharing the workload or sex.

That - and a madonna/whore complex - is likely to be the source of the problem.

But if the only conversation that's been had is a series of requests and rejections - and not one that takes place out of the bedroom and addresses this and all the problems in the relationship, no-one can know why this is happening.

So talk to him OP. About this and all your other understandable grievances.

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 14:24:42

male fuckwittery.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Feb-13 15:25:20

And some daft women make excuses for them

I will never ever understand that confused

TDada Sun 10-Feb-13 23:54:39

men should be taken out for a daily walk/run smile

Wondawoman: so he's lazy and selfish generally as well as sexually? Why not just bin him? And Bitofadvice - FFS you are having no fun with a man you've nly been seeing a couple of months? Definitely throw that one back for someone else. Women are simply not told often enough it's fine to dump an unsatisfactory man. If he's not putting any effort into making the relationship good and happy and life-enhancing, don't waste any more of your time and energy trying to do so, just bin him.

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