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Do you think you should stay together for the children??

(15 Posts)
hippyJules Wed 06-Feb-13 14:10:22

I've been married for close to 15 years, it's been up and down for most of this as we are both very different people. I admit up until now we've probably stayed together for the children...now they are almost all teenagers..i'm not sure i can go on any longer.
I do care about my husband, but i dont think either of us have ever been ''in love'' with eachother..and its a very lonely existence. We've not shared a bedroom for over 2 years now, we never go out alone as a couple, we share no common interests or goals in life...
Since turning 40 i've started to question everything..i've not been happy for a long time, and if i'm not, i'm pretty sure he isn't either.
I've tried on numerous occasions to discuss things with him but he either turns on the waterworks or brushes away that there is a problem, when we quite obviously aren't ok. I think maybe its time to call it quits, you only get one life, surely we should both be happy and living it...what will happen when the kids finally move out???
Any advice would be great, thank you.

cincodemayo Wed 06-Feb-13 14:14:49

No I don't think you should stay together for the children. Mainly because kids get their template of what a loving relationship looks like, from their parents.

Is it turning 40 that's made you take stock, or someone else?

KristinaM Wed 06-Feb-13 14:17:00

No, I think the children are an important factor in the decision but not the only factor. It sounds like you are living apart under the same roof anyway. The children must be aware of this-what do they make of it?

hippyJules Wed 06-Feb-13 14:18:36

No nobody else on either side ( as far as i'm aware)..it's just thinking there must be more to life than this, separate bedrooms and nobody to share everything with.
I don't want to hurt him, or the kids, that's why i've stayed in this marriage so long until now, just thinking about the years to come.
Thank you for your reply xx

They should not be used as glue to bind you two together and certainly won't thank you for being used like that. They could call you daft for staying with him along with asking you why you put him before them?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

familyfun Wed 06-Feb-13 14:20:25

my parents stayed together for me until i was 18, they had discussed and decided to split many years before but both believed i needed both of them as a child.
as a young child, primary school age, i never had any doubts about us as a family and i am glad we all lived together and saw each other every day and holidayed together etc. i think they were miserable together and that is a shame for them as you say they only have 1 life, but i think they did wahts best for me and never argues infront of me so there was no negatives for me.

as a teenager, i was aware my family were different, low level bickering, less compromise than other families, parents never affectionate or loving to each other but always to me, holidays spent apart or segregated, very few family days,
my parents wer miserable and i knew it.
it made me sad.
i wondered would they divorce and worried about it privately.
i think they would have been happier apart and i knew other kids whose parents divorced and were ok.

when they split i was 18 and they considered this the best time as i was an adult. i had just left school and had less friends to support me. i had a new job and knew noone there. it was quite a hard time to deal with it as id assumed that they would stay together despite their differences. i felt like i had no security as too much changed at once.

with hindsight, i wish they had split when i was 12/13. i sort of expected it then anyway and could have got over it before serious school stuff started and they could have been happier 6 years earlier.

they are both much happier now and im glad they split.

i am too scared to marry as i worry id do the same.
hth. smile

hippyJules Wed 06-Feb-13 14:21:02

That's what worries me, the children aren't babies anymore, obviously know it's not normal for their parents to have separate bedrooms..don't want them thinking all relationships have to be like this.
We are like house mates, but apart from the children, financial matters dictate this too. Not sure either could afford to move out, so its a toughie!

pixie54 Wed 06-Feb-13 14:21:29

if it is any comfort, you are not alone. My DH of 17 years ( together for 20) has decided enough is enough ...we had 17 good years but last three unbearable as he hankers back to his single life in the City and loathes me for being a country girl and SAHM.....although it is complicated by fact that I think he is depressed and won't get treatment. We have decided to divorce. we have two children 9 and 7. It's tough and I have every sympathy.

hippyJules Wed 06-Feb-13 14:24:05

Thank you ''family fun'' for letting me see it from another point of view. My parents split up when i was a teenager too, it caused me and my siblings a lot of hurt at the time, and i didnt want this for my children. But i think maybe my caring is mis- placed, i'm probably doing more damage to them by staying than going. Although they have been shielded from rows and stuff, i'm sure they must have picked up on atmosphere. Thanks for the replies xx

hippyJules Wed 06-Feb-13 14:25:10

Aw Pixie, sorry to hear that, wish you both well. Its terrifying to start again after all this time, isn't it?? Big hugs xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 06-Feb-13 14:25:55

I'm the DD of people who 'stayed together for the children' and, whilst I appreciate the effort involved and the stability that resulted, I would much rather have had parents that actually liked each other. I didn't realise how artificial our household was until spending time at other people's, seeing how their parents related to each other. In our house constant sniping and chiding was the order of the day.... no affection. Remember one boyfriend's Mum and Dad actually holding hands in the street and being quite shocked!

cincodemayo Wed 06-Feb-13 14:31:17

I think it's much better to separate when children are young. One of the biggest myths is that older children and teenagers are more resilient to divorce. In fact it's the opposite in my experience. Separating when they've got their own internal struggles and identity crises going on is quite selfish and no-one wants their childhood to have been a lie. The exception to this of course is abuse, affairs etc. - then it's better to get out regardless of the timing.

What about trying some counselling?

StripeyCircle Wed 06-Feb-13 14:36:24

HippyJules, it's very sad,and I feel for you. I guess it's harder for you, having experienced it yourself. You might want to read another article by Briony Gordon in the Telegraph today. She discusses how she felt when her parents split when she was 20. She's normally a bit rubbish, but this one was good. It was a bit of an eye opener for me, looking at things from the child's perspective. I left my husband when DS was 3 as I couldn't face the next 15-20 years of being unhappy - and thought it better to end things sooner rather than later. It has worked out reasonably ok so far, as it's amicable. Although he is clearly puzzled by it (he's 7 now), it's what he's grown up with, so hopefully he'll also be ok in the long term.

Good luck with whichever way you go, as none of this is ever easy.

Dryjuice25 Wed 06-Feb-13 18:01:49

Someone I know said if I stayed with EX for the kids then we are both colluding in the elements that would damage the kids later on. It's just delaying the damage and relegating it to a later year, which is also a slow motion suicide. All involved will suffer whereas if you go separate ways there is a chance you might have another happier family unit...or not, but at least you are not living a lie.
This helped me to move on.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 06-Feb-13 18:09:43

No. I don't believe it's better to stay together for the children. You have a right to happiness too.

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