Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

2 out of 3 ain't bad? Incredible BF but not 'in love'

(27 Posts)
boxesticked Tue 05-Feb-13 00:02:51

Have been seeing BF for 6 months. It is everything a 'good' relationship should be - respectful, equal, kind, supportive, communicative etc. He is hard working, loyal, loving, attentive, adores my DS etc. Physically, I find him very attractive. We make a good team, we are on the same page in most respects. He fits in fantastically with my friends and family, and his/my/mutual friends are pleased as punch that we are together. However... I don't feel like he sets me on fire.

I suppose I felt like I would grow to love him but the more our relationship progresses, the less likely this seems. I have recently broached this with him and we have talked a lot, which has eased the pressure a lot for me and I feel like I am relaxing and enjoying it without worrying about my lack of/feelings for him. He has said that ordinarily, he would simply walk away but he feels like I/we are worth holding out for, to see if my feelings strengthen in time.

I don't want to throw away what could be a fantastic partnership, but equally I would not 'settle' for someone who ticked all the boxes but I didn't love, really love, as this will surely only create problems down the line. I wouldn't want that for my BF either, he deserves to be with somebody who is crazy about him.

I know only time will tell for us, but I am just interested to hear others' experiences.

startlife Sun 24-Feb-13 20:55:12

I think you did the right thing as well. I've had a similar relationship - lovely guy who adored me however I just didn't feel the same. It worked when everything was OK but when the relationship hit a tough period I didn't have strong enough feelings for him to get through it. He didn't make me laugh and I wonder if that was the missing spark, as like you, I was very attracted to him.

I stayed longer than you because on paper he was perfect - well done for making a decision.

boxesticked Mon 25-Feb-13 10:50:23

Pleased I've got so many affirmative responses... although I do know I did the right thing regardless!

startlife that's what I said to XBF, my lack of feelings wouldn't be enough to sustain the relationship if there wasn't that determination to stay together, although day to day we rolled along ok.

madonnawhore ''with both guys I just knew I could never love them the way I wanted to be in love with a partner'' - this is just how I felt. For me, spark means mental chemistry and shared sense of humour.

sgb I'm starting to come round to your way of thinking! grin ''having him 'in love' and 'waiting for you' would have become a tedious burden to you'' - this is exactly what was happening. In the end I thought if it hasn't just happened naturally, then that's that!

I felt certain that I'd reached the extent of my feelings for him, so my only option was to end it. I felt it would be very shortsighted to keep ambling along just because we rubbed along ok, not to mention very unfair to him.

Thanks for all your insights.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now