Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I'm gay - partner wants life to stay the same(53 Posts)
hi this is my first ever post so please be gentle with me. The last few months have been very difficult as I have come to terms with the realisation that i am gay. I have a partner whom i have been with for almost 18 years and i have been entirely honest with him over this time but there are lots of reasons why i wish to seperate. I know this is terribly difficult for him to process and although we are still living in the same house i feel we should make some rules to establish this change in our relationship. I don't think it is fair to pretend that nothing has changed or that the issue of my sexuality is going to disappear at some point. I have three DCs and this is why as well as for financial reasons why we have decided to stay in the same house.
The trouble is is i do not know how long i can bear this situation. We do get on but there is often alot of conflict. He can be quite domineering and this leads to problems with our DCs. Although i do an enormous amount in the house and for the children ( i do work part-time but do not earn much), i don't get alot of freedom.
I have to instigate talking about our changing relationship and i really feel he is not going to budge. He doesn't want anything to change and i understand this but it makes me panic because i need my life to develop.
I haven't read all of this thread, though I know I probably should, though I get incensed by some of the comments. Redrobin030, my advice would be to leave the relationship, or as someone else said, you'll make yourself ill.
I'm in a very similar situation, known I was gay very early on but was in denial. Three kids. came out to my husband about 10 years ago, stayed together for sake of the kids. It's come to a crunch now where I've had a few gay relationships - yes, unknown to my partner, what a cheat! - and we just can't live together any more.
Yes, my husband is very upset in the recent breakdown in our relationship, as am I, but maybe if things had been OK I wouldn't have been looking for a relationship outside, after all we have been together a very long time, and we could have carried on.
He won't sell our house, which is OK, but he also wants me to make a financial contribution when I leave.
To those of you who wonder how this can come about, you fall in love with the person, male or female. As to whether our relationship has been a lie. No, it was based on how I felt at the time and the genuine feelings of affection and love.
There will be a hell of a lot of women, and men, in their 30s and 40s coming out now and over the next few years as when we were growing up the environment was just not conducive, not to say hostile. It will be a phenomena so for any biggots out there I'm afraid that you'll have to get used to the idea. I respect your right not to like it, but it's going to happen. Let's just have a bit of tolerance and undersatnding please? Life is hard enough for everyone without nastiness.
I think in your situation I'd simply have to leave, for both myself and my husband's sake. I think it is the only honourable thing to do really.
If your husband is used to the idea that you were basically gay before you met but then fell in love with him, he might well be able to convince himself that you might fall back in love with him now and that this is a 'stage' you are going through - it must be horribly confusing. But to be honest, whereas I can imagine it is particularly tough to deal with your sexuality while going through this mess, my advice would be the same if you were straight but no longer in love with him.
It is all very well trying to live under the same roof with him under new terms, but if he still loves you and essentially wants to be your lover and husband it can really only cause him and you unendurable pain.
I don't think i was very clear in my first post. Technically, i suppose i was bisexual but i had reached a point where i no longer identified as anything.I just wanted to be me and i met someone who i fell in love with-at that point in my life it was the person that mattered not the gender. I always knew that i was never very attracted to men but sometimes you meet someone and what you feel over-rides or challenges what you felt before. We didn't have children until 6 years after we got together. So he was always aware of this and he was not entirely conventional either. i guess you could say we were an odd match or maybe we matched because we were both odd. My sexuality was never a fixed thing and i think that is true for many people. This has caused me great anguish but i have never been secretive about it. This last year has been like an awakening and i don't know if it is my age or why but i now feel that my sexuality has become fixed and i dont know how to live anymore without addressing it. It is very difficult to find a balance between trying not to hurt people and feeling trapped.
I'd like to hear more about the ways in which he is "domineering", and what you mean when you say that you "don't have much freedom"
OP I think I've missed a link here somewhere. Did you say that when you met your OH you were gay and out? I just don't get how that status leads you to marrying a heterosexual man and having three kids? Is is that you just wanted kids? Could you not have co-parented? Sorry.. a bit lost as to how the 'gay' thing is news now ...
I think I must have misread something somewhere.
I can't give him what he needs - a wife who loves him physically. He can't give me what I need. We both love each other but our situation is irreconcilable. I have tried for ten years to be a good wife but everything tells me that I will never be happy until I can live an authentic life. I feel like a liar.
darlingbudd, thanks for posting. I understand how difficult it is for you. It can be so hard. I don't really want to justify myself on this thread as though going through a certain kind of continual hell is not enough. Coming out at my age is cold and isolating. why would you seek to do it if you could contain it, keep a lid on it. how do we know years before that our life journey should force us to take a different route? It is about being true to yourself, being honest, to accept yourself for who you are and this in turn means being true and honest with the people you love and share your life with. Who would want to hurt the people you love and care for? it is the hardest thing and although i wish i could avoid it and remain the 'perfect' mother, i am not, i am human. There aremany reasons why i could seperate from my partner-the reason that i am gay and that i can no longer physically express love to him because it is too distressing is the main one. Sometimes you cannot goback to how you were, however much you want to, life is about learning and growing. With every life decision and life-change we have to face the responsibility that comes with that. If we didn't feel this and know how it will impact on the lives of those close to us then we wouldn't feel in 'turmoil'. lots of hugs to you darlingbudd.
Just adding myself to this thread. I'm in a similar position. Came out to my husband last month; we have three children. At the moment things are spookily normal, and I'm in turmoil. We start marital counselling this week.
Redrobin, I am gay and have lived with my husband for the last year while dealing with coming out etc. It's been hard. I am now about to move out, despite the fact that it will bring financial hardship. We have one dc together. If you want to chat feel free to pm me.
When we first became friends, i was completely out and gradually we fell in love. - and they had 3 dc,
so by definition she wasn't purely gay, she could be in love and sleep with a man. But with age her attraction to men must have completely switched off. Sexuality is usually biased towards one sex in bisexuals, and often once past having children that bias becomes complete.
It doesn't make you a horrible person either, it just makes the situation very hard. I hope everything turns out ok for both of you and your DC.
''Neither one of you can move on or truly accept what's happening if you're still trying to have a life together''
I agree with this. It must be very hard for both of you, and very confusing after 18 years. It's going to take more than a few months for your OP to come to terms with this by the sounds of it. After 18 years, I think this is reasonable. That doesn't mean you have to stay in the same house though.
Where does she say bi?
I think many posters are confusing being Bi and being Gay.
OP said that she and her dh have always known she was Bi-sexual, and obviously many such people settle in a marriage. But only a few months ago she realised she's gay and can't be with a man at all anymore. Just to clarify for those who missed this.
I don't personally see why can't he leave, OP, are you worried that DH will have the right to be primary parent and stay with them in the house? Normally it's the father who has to leave when 3DC are involved, unless you work long hours. You don't have less rights due to being gay. Or possibly you have to sell and split the house, but this happens to many families and they survive, IMO better the upheaval than a miserable atmosphere for all.
It is impossible to speculate who is being unfair to whom - we still don't know - what are the proposed rule changes?
I'm sorry you've had some really harsh responses on here OP. You haven't explicitly said you would like a girlfriend/new partner but you've said you 'want your life to develop' so I'm guessing that's what you mean. If that's the case then I really think the only option is to separate from your DH. Neither one of you can move on or truly accept what's happening if you're still trying to have a life together. That's not to you two can't still have a relationship or friendship of some sort in the future but first you need to end the relationship you have now - your DH probably needs to time to grieve. Ending an 18 year marriage - even if on whatever level he already knew about your sexuality - is still a huge loss.
The other option would be to work together to rebuild your marriage but on new grounds. As mates/life partners who share interests and children and want to support each other but accept that there is no sexual component to the relationship. I DO know a couple who made this work, but ONLY on the understanding that neither one of them was going to seek out other sexual partners. The gay partner came out to all their friends so there was no longer the feeling of hiding but they stayed together. It was a tough choice, and probably not the one I would have made - I still wonder if they only did it because they option of trying to start over in their 50s was just too scary. But they say it works for them.
I think you need to decide what you want and need but also listen to your partner. If what you want is to stay married but seek out new partners and your DH can't live with that then you need to figure out something else. Something that will work for both of you long term.
It sounds like you feel trapped OP. The first posters were very harsh, and should have asked more questions before leaping to conclusions.
Regardless of your sexuality, you are not happy with the status quo, so it needs to change. You sound like you are really down.
I would suggest you get legal advice, and head towards living separately as soon as possible. good luck OP.
But she also said that she does not contribute much financially? It sounded like she feels constrained more by domestic responsibilities and life circumstances (ie caring for three children) more than him forbidding her to leave the house and ordering her about. Why should he be interested in her feelings? She's hurt him.
I refute any suggestion of "homophobia"
If a bloke looked for a validation of a decision to (unilaterally) tell his partner their relationship is over, want to stay living in the same house but force her to accept the "changes" (OP has been rather vague on what those "changes" might entail) that were coming, he would be lambasted, and rightly so
Whilst you are in the same house, it is only fair for him to have a say on what the new joint "house rules" are.
If you do not have even that level of consideration towards him, then I think you should be planning a total separation.
Because the man 'doesn't allow her much freedom' and doesn't contribute much financially, that's why he sounds horrible. It sounds like he wants to keep her as a domestic servant and isn't interested in her feelings.
I think most of the advice given has nothing to do with being homophobic whether heterosexual or homosexual the situation is the same, most people were just saying its unreasonable to expect her husband to put up with her looking for something else and they should have a clean split.
LifeofPo, what exactly do you think the OP has written that makes him sound so horrible? I am curious to know. If a woman posted on here that her husband of eighteen years and the father of her three children had decided that he wanted out of the relationship, that he had always known it, that he wanted to continue living with them for financial reasons but also felt she was being unreasonable by not being happy with the situation, I can assure you that she would have nothing but the strongest support from Mumsnet. It has nothing to do with being gay ....
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Perhaps counselling would help you get clarity about moving on. You can start again, as scary as it seems. Lesbians are all ages. It sounds to me as though you need to make the decision to split and then plan how to do it. Can you talk to anyone who won't judge or be threatened by you wanting to end your relationship?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.