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I'm gay - partner wants life to stay the same

(53 Posts)
redrobin030 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:58:44

hi this is my first ever post so please be gentle with me. The last few months have been very difficult as I have come to terms with the realisation that i am gay. I have a partner whom i have been with for almost 18 years and i have been entirely honest with him over this time but there are lots of reasons why i wish to seperate. I know this is terribly difficult for him to process and although we are still living in the same house i feel we should make some rules to establish this change in our relationship. I don't think it is fair to pretend that nothing has changed or that the issue of my sexuality is going to disappear at some point. I have three DCs and this is why as well as for financial reasons why we have decided to stay in the same house.
The trouble is is i do not know how long i can bear this situation. We do get on but there is often alot of conflict. He can be quite domineering and this leads to problems with our DCs. Although i do an enormous amount in the house and for the children ( i do work part-time but do not earn much), i don't get alot of freedom.
I have to instigate talking about our changing relationship and i really feel he is not going to budge. He doesn't want anything to change and i understand this but it makes me panic because i need my life to develop.

redrobin030 Tue 19-Feb-13 19:21:38

I don't think i was very clear in my first post. Technically, i suppose i was bisexual but i had reached a point where i no longer identified as anything.I just wanted to be me and i met someone who i fell in love with-at that point in my life it was the person that mattered not the gender. I always knew that i was never very attracted to men but sometimes you meet someone and what you feel over-rides or challenges what you felt before. We didn't have children until 6 years after we got together. So he was always aware of this and he was not entirely conventional either. i guess you could say we were an odd match or maybe we matched because we were both odd. My sexuality was never a fixed thing and i think that is true for many people. This has caused me great anguish but i have never been secretive about it. This last year has been like an awakening and i don't know if it is my age or why but i now feel that my sexuality has become fixed and i dont know how to live anymore without addressing it. It is very difficult to find a balance between trying not to hurt people and feeling trapped.

crazyhead Tue 19-Feb-13 20:58:25

I think in your situation I'd simply have to leave, for both myself and my husband's sake. I think it is the only honourable thing to do really.

If your husband is used to the idea that you were basically gay before you met but then fell in love with him, he might well be able to convince himself that you might fall back in love with him now and that this is a 'stage' you are going through - it must be horribly confusing. But to be honest, whereas I can imagine it is particularly tough to deal with your sexuality while going through this mess, my advice would be the same if you were straight but no longer in love with him.

It is all very well trying to live under the same roof with him under new terms, but if he still loves you and essentially wants to be your lover and husband it can really only cause him and you unendurable pain.

butterflytweet Wed 10-Jul-13 15:18:34

I haven't read all of this thread, though I know I probably should, though I get incensed by some of the comments. Redrobin030, my advice would be to leave the relationship, or as someone else said, you'll make yourself ill.
I'm in a very similar situation, known I was gay very early on but was in denial. Three kids. came out to my husband about 10 years ago, stayed together for sake of the kids. It's come to a crunch now where I've had a few gay relationships - yes, unknown to my partner, what a cheat! - and we just can't live together any more.
Yes, my husband is very upset in the recent breakdown in our relationship, as am I, but maybe if things had been OK I wouldn't have been looking for a relationship outside, after all we have been together a very long time, and we could have carried on.
He won't sell our house, which is OK, but he also wants me to make a financial contribution when I leave.
To those of you who wonder how this can come about, you fall in love with the person, male or female. As to whether our relationship has been a lie. No, it was based on how I felt at the time and the genuine feelings of affection and love.
There will be a hell of a lot of women, and men, in their 30s and 40s coming out now and over the next few years as when we were growing up the environment was just not conducive, not to say hostile. It will be a phenomena so for any biggots out there I'm afraid that you'll have to get used to the idea. I respect your right not to like it, but it's going to happen. Let's just have a bit of tolerance and undersatnding please? Life is hard enough for everyone without nastiness.

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