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Found out DH watches porn - should I be this upset?

(102 Posts)
justkeeponsmiling Thu 31-Jan-13 00:02:25

Earlier on today, I stumbled across the evidence that DH watches porn online on our laptop. I confronted him (by text - I know it's bad but he was out) and he admitted it but we've not spoken about it since.
I feel so upset. I'm usually very open-minded - we have sex once or twice a week and I feel it's good quality sex, if u know what I mean. There's the occasional toys, we don't always switch the lights off... u get the drift. We have even watcged some films together, although this is quite a few years ago now!!!
I thought we were doing pretty well in that department - we've been together for 11 years and have three kids and both work.
In principle, I'm not against porn and it would never have bothered me if I had walked in on him masturbating, I would have just laughed it off.
But the thought that he sits downstairs masturbating over Cindy taking it hard from behind while I'm out to work or asleep upstairs really upsets me.
I thought I knew him and all of a sudden I realise I don't know him at all.
Also, I can't imagine having sex with him again - I bet he plays the clips over and over in his head while we do it, the thought makes me feel ill.
Am I being a hypocrite? I just feel really hurt and betrayed.

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 23:46:38

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northeastofeden Thu 31-Jan-13 23:52:27

dopamine porn is not a harmless habit, a lot of women and men are harmed by porn. But that is not what this thread is about.

OP talk to your DH, be honest about how you feel and see what he says.

Now I really must go to bed.

AnyFucker Thu 31-Jan-13 23:53:16

Uncanny, how spot-on you are.

I wonder if you can guess what hand gesture I am making now.

badinage Fri 01-Feb-13 00:23:17

Is the inference in your posts naughty (which describe fairly ordinary sex IMO) that the OP's sex life needs improving and that this will reduce her partner's requirement to use porn? Otherwise I'm just not getting the relevance of your posts at all, especially as the OP appears to be content with her sex life and her partner has given no reason to suspect he feels differently.

But then for some reason, sex and attitudes to it are frequently confused with porn and attitudes to it, just like I said in my first post on the thread.

naughtythoughts Fri 01-Feb-13 00:25:34

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badinage Fri 01-Feb-13 00:35:18

Come on naughty

You're Philip Larkin in disguise aren't you?

Sexual intercourse began
In nineteen sixty-three
Which was rather late for me

Except 2013 doesn't scan quite so well, does it?

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 10:31:15

dopamine I'm not sure what you mean by 'full disclosure' with partner?!

Now I would not expect my dp to say that he had watched 10 min of X porn on X internet site. However, I would not be bothered if he now and again browsed a bit.

I think some people never seem to have this conversation ever and that's the issue. I have and do occasionally watch porn and he knows that I do find it a turn on. Therefore, he knows my views so its a non issue. He would be quite aware that it would not be ok if he only watched porn and didn't want sex with me.

Porn plays a miniscule part of our sex life. And as for dp watching it without me, well I would guess that makes up an even tinier part of it.

op I would imagine if your dh does fantasise over any of the porn he watches then its the act not the woman. I could not remember any person I have ever seen in a porn clip.

The thing is you are bothered by what's going on and you need to address this. Its no good eveyone saying 'oh its harmless, everyone watches it' as well as being untrue its not very helpful.

Dahlen Fri 01-Feb-13 10:49:31

I've never had an insecurity issue with porn. In my younger days, before I became aware of the level of abuse in the industry, I used to enjoy watching it myself. I think it's probably rather normal to get turned on by watching other people having sex.

However, I've made a conscious decision not to watch it anymore because getting my jollies off the back of other women's abuse is not something I can justify. Porn doesn't excite me enough to put the effort into finding some from an ethical source. Frankly, I'm too busy in life in general and in having RL sex. wink

It's a personal choice and others are entitled to theirs. I'm not evangelical about it. If asked for my opinion I give it, listen to and counter the opposing view, shrug, and then say each to their own. But I do judge people who think their own sexual gratification from watching porn is more important than the issues of abuse and trafficking in a lot of porn. If you're going to watch porn and defend it, at least have the integrity to know what you're doing, why, and form a coherent argument as to why that's ok rather than the usual, tired and untrue statement that "everyone does it and all the women like it." Take a leaf from SGB who at least knows what she's on about and can form a well-reasoned argument about the validity of porn even if it's not one that I agree with.

As for the argument that all men watch porn, well a surprising number don't and don't like it for the exact same reasons I've given above.

DopamineHit Fri 01-Feb-13 11:30:55

carmenelectra "full disclosure"? I just meant that they should be straightforward about the fact that they're using it, ie have the conversation - as you suggest. This would avoid situations such as what happened to the OP. However, it's also understandable that this conversation never happens because if a couple have a perfectly ok sex life and the bloke is an occasional user he's perhaps not that inclined to pipe up one day, "Oh, by the way ... I thought I'd better mention...."

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 11:49:35

dopamine I agree. I don't agree about couple has a good sex life and are presumabaly close, happy etc never mentioning it if he is a 'user'. Surely its those is unhappy relationships, bad sex that don't.

As always,on these threads I feel very confused that some couples don't communicate. Surely if you have been with a person for a long time, live with them then you would know their views on thinds and certainly know their sexual tastes?

Does the subject of porn never crop up I wonder, een if there may be something on TV or the newspaper that would spark a conversation?

Or do the women never ask presuming their man doesn't like porn? Or does the man lie and say he's not interested?

I like to know my dps opinion on things, surely its useful to be with someone with same morals?

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 11:51:08

Sorry typing on phone it doesn't make sense!

Bobbybird40 Fri 01-Feb-13 13:11:25

carmenelectra not every couple like to tell each other everything - each to their own surely?
Most blokes wouldnt want to reveal to their missis that they like to view porn now and again as, let's face it, it is a bit embarassing.
However, that doesnt mean it is some BIG secret. For many blokes, viewing a bit of porn is a minor deal - on a par, with say, going for a dump, a kind of bodily function.
The OP has said that their sex life is decent and things are okay in other ways. That, for me, should be the end of the matter.
Now, some posters on here are suggesting the OP should rock the boat but that is simply their own prejudices coming through - ie they dont like porn and what it stands for therefore the OP should kick up a fuss about her partner viewing it. But will the couple benefit if she takes their advice? Methinks not. In other words, then, said posters arent trying to help the OP - they are just trying to impose their moral standpoint on the OP and her partner. Which I think is pretty poor form tbh.
Oh and one other thing: naughtythoughts, your posts are funny as fuck.

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 14:47:10

Bobby I couldn't disagree more.

It shouldn't be embarrassing to talK of porn or sex unless you have something very strange to hide.

I do agree its no big deal in my relationship as have and do sometimes use it. Secret use is a big deal though. I'm not talking about being private, as in on your own, but secret.

And as for rocking the boat, I wouldn't be with someone where I couldn't speak up with something I didn't like.

HeyHoHereWeGo Fri 01-Feb-13 14:57:12

You know those recent cases where vulnerable girls, some in care homes, were targetted by gangs of men, sexually groomed, raped, passed around for years.
Remember how all right minded people though how putrageous that was?

Well take a girl from that beackground, give her 5 years, a mild drug habit, a useless boyfriend. Gibe her surgery on her genitals to remove most of her labia and also fake breasts.
Pop her in from of a camera and have sex with her in such a way that she in anally incontinent by the time shes in her 30s

That whats your DH has been watching.

YOu dont have to be ok.
You are an adult and if you are sickened, then you are worth way more than your DH imo.

HeyHoHereWeGo Fri 01-Feb-13 15:01:54

oops should have proof read that ...

MamaMary Fri 01-Feb-13 15:14:17

OP, your feelings are entirely valid. You need to talk to your DH about this and explain how it makes you feel. If he a decent right-minded sort he will stop using it.

Any thread on MN to do with porn tends to attract a tirade of 'porn apologists' who will tell you that you are unreasonable, it's harmless, and suck it up pardon the pun. It's not harmless.

RenataBiggs Fri 01-Feb-13 15:40:20

I love it when my DH watches porn. He comes up with all sorts of surprises in the bedroom. The OP shouldn't worry about it. She should encourage it.

What a curious post, Bobbi.

The op says she is 'upset' three times in her post. She says she feels hurt and betrayed.

You say, 'some posters on here are suggesting the OP should rock the boat but that is simply their own prejudices coming through - ie they dont like porn and what it stands for therefore the OP should kick up a fuss about her partner viewing it. But will the couple benefit if she takes their advice? Methinks not. In other words, then, said posters arent trying to help the OP - they are just trying to impose their moral standpoint on the OP and her partner. Which I think is pretty poor form tbh.'

What's your suggestion Bobbi? That although she is really upset and feels hurt and betrayed, she just shuts the fuck up? Better not rock the boat, eh Bobbi.

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 16:17:07

Whoah! heyho. Bit of an OTT response. You dont know that all porn is produced this way!!

What about amateur clips sent to youporn?

You also don't know what OP's dh has been watching. Your just presuming he watching trafficked girls being pounded anally. Jesus.

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Feb-13 16:28:38

haha! spot on carmenelectra!

HeyHoHereWeGo Fri 01-Feb-13 16:42:17

And you've never heard of men putting up clips of the woman who just left them as revenge?

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 16:49:07

Yes I have heard of that, of course. Youporn has thousands of clips though. Surely you don't think all are by vengeful men or of pimped out girls.

That kind of attitude is as ridiculous as the idea everyone in porn or prostitution does it for the free sex with any ole fella, not the cash. There's some middle ground you know.

Dahlen Fri 01-Feb-13 16:56:38

Well ultimately, all this discussion is pointless. Anyone telling the OP she is being unreasonable to feel what she feels is being unreasonable themselves. People are entitled to feel whatever the hell they want.

The real question is not whether she's unreasonable to dislike porn (she isn't) but whether OP and her DH can find a mutually agreeable outcome or consider this a deal-breaker.

Either OP's DH will give it up for her now she's made it clear how much she hates it or he'll continue to watch it and she'll learn to live with it, or they'll split up.

I suppose she could continue to hate it and he does it anyway, but that to me doesn't sound like a relationship founded on similar values, trust and communication.

Smudging Fri 01-Feb-13 17:08:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carmenelectra Fri 01-Feb-13 17:14:07

I'm not saying I agree smudging, but I doubt many people would give up porn 'just in case' someone has been coerced in some way. I'm sure any decent person would not watch if this could be proved in some way.

The fact is, people will always be turned on by others having sexm

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