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Found out DH watches porn - should I be this upset?

(102 Posts)
justkeeponsmiling Thu 31-Jan-13 00:02:25

Earlier on today, I stumbled across the evidence that DH watches porn online on our laptop. I confronted him (by text - I know it's bad but he was out) and he admitted it but we've not spoken about it since.
I feel so upset. I'm usually very open-minded - we have sex once or twice a week and I feel it's good quality sex, if u know what I mean. There's the occasional toys, we don't always switch the lights off... u get the drift. We have even watcged some films together, although this is quite a few years ago now!!!
I thought we were doing pretty well in that department - we've been together for 11 years and have three kids and both work.
In principle, I'm not against porn and it would never have bothered me if I had walked in on him masturbating, I would have just laughed it off.
But the thought that he sits downstairs masturbating over Cindy taking it hard from behind while I'm out to work or asleep upstairs really upsets me.
I thought I knew him and all of a sudden I realise I don't know him at all.
Also, I can't imagine having sex with him again - I bet he plays the clips over and over in his head while we do it, the thought makes me feel ill.
Am I being a hypocrite? I just feel really hurt and betrayed.

BelaLugosisShed Thu 31-Jan-13 18:10:31

"Many, many, many men do this secretly with their wives completely and utterly oblivious to it."

I would think that the pertinent question to be asked about that statement
(which is probably sadly true) is why ?

Why, if it's no big deal to the men who use porn, if it's a harmless pastime, if there's nothing wrong with it, would they hide their porn-use from their wives?
Lots of women have posted on here over the years saying that they have absolutely no issue with porn use yet they still find out that their partner has been secretly using porn ( usually after saying that they have no interest in it) - that is something I genuinely don't understand.
How can you have a trusting, respectful relationship with someone who isn't honest?

Angelfootprints Thu 31-Jan-13 18:20:42

Op, I don't think there is any "should" about it. Nobody else in the world can tell you what your feelings ought to be.

Your feelings are what they are.

Personally I would feel the same as you do. I think you need to have a good talk and discuss what is and isn't appropriate regarding gaining sexual thrills outside your marriage in the future.

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 18:21:54

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DopamineHit Thu 31-Jan-13 19:00:19

I suspect the vast majority of men use porn - I do and (almost) every bloke I've discussed it with does. If it's a hidden activity from a partner (and this is not always the case) that's because although we don't necessarily feel ashamed of it, it's not exactly something we're likely to brag about. We are aware that it is a slightly ridiculous thing to do.

For a bloke, using porn to wank has got almost nothing in common with having sex with a partner. It's an utterly different experience, a way of fulfilling an immediate need - much more like going for a run to burn off energy or maybe even snacking when you've got hunger pangs. Unless you've got a porn habit it's a fairly harmless pastime although I can totally understand that women may not always see it that way. If you have a good sex life with your partner then his use of porn should not need to ring alarm bells although, obviously, if it makes you unhappy then a frank discussion is probably in order. You will probably find such a discussion much less uncomfortable than maybe you fear. By the way - he won't be playing over clips in his head - it just doesn't work like that at all.

FWIW I think naughtythoughts suggestion is an excellent one.

sunnyday123 Thu 31-Jan-13 19:07:14

I understand you being upset but if everything else is otherwise fine I don't really think there's much you can do about it. You should of course tell him how you feel but id say its his choice if he enjoys it now and again! If it affects your own sex life etc thats different.

BelaLugosisShed Thu 31-Jan-13 21:17:52

How is naughtythoughts suggestion in any way helpful?
OP hasn't said they have problems in their sex life, she's described it as open and good quality - doesn't sound inhibited to me. I imagine mutual masturbation is a normal/regular part of most couples' sex lives, it's a bit difficult to have sex with someone without actually touching them wink .

What you've said about discussing masturbation and porn use makes little sense to me, how is it that someone is able to talk to other men about it yet not their sexual partner? You don't think some ( insecure) men would lie to friends about using porn due to it being so normalised, lest they are thought of as odd or not "real men" ?

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 22:18:48

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Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 22:33:04

Naughtythoughts - you remind me of that woman on meet the fockers - her married to dustin Hoffman's character lol

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 22:34:12

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naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 22:34:46

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naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 22:35:25

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Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 22:39:23

Lol, it's class isn't it.

AnyFucker Thu 31-Jan-13 22:39:29

I often find the people who talk about it the most are doing it the least

What on earth possesses someone to overshare to this degree on an open website ?

oh.....

wankers, that's it grin

Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 22:41:46

Don't be nasty AF, no need.

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 22:43:48

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carmenelectra Thu 31-Jan-13 22:57:24

op, you can't help how you feel. I can understand the insecurity part of it as I think I'd be the same, imagining that he preferred other women. I'm sure that's not the case.

I sometimes watch porn with my dp and I certainly do not give anyone in it a second thought. I don't have an issue with porn and as I said we do watch it very occasionally. I'd be upset with deliberate secret use though. Or if it replaced actual sex.

dopamine, I find it odd that a man can chat about porn with his mates but not his wife who he actually has sex with. I'd be more woRried if my dp hid it from me and discussed it with mates.

naughtythoughts sounds nuts smile

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 23:00:39

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Angelfootprints Thu 31-Jan-13 23:14:58

The op hasnt asked for sex tips confused

Probably been scared off now.

AnyFucker Thu 31-Jan-13 23:21:07

naughtythoughts : "I'm maaaaad, me..."

yeah, course you are wink

DopamineHit Thu 31-Jan-13 23:21:18

BelaLugosisShed, Carmenelectra - there's talking and there's talking. I suppose in an ideal world if a bloke uses porn he should probably have "full disclosure" with his partner but if the subject never arises it's understandable that he doesn't volunteer the information. OP clearly feels hurt and betrayed by her discovery and has reassessed her sex life with DH in view of this and it has, quite understandably, made her feel very uncomfortable. I don't want to be an apologist for her DH - I'm just articulating the fact that there is a very good chance that his use of porn has nothing whatever to do with their sex life.

AnyFucker Thu 31-Jan-13 23:24:49

OP, I am sorry the oversharers trying to convince us how maaad and up-for-it they are have derailed your thread somewhat

I was going to type something very similar to what badinage said to you right at the beginning, but I won't. Read what she said, again. Then again.

Also, go have a look at all the threads in Relationships that start "I am ok with porn, but..."

You don't have to be ok with anything, it is entirely compulsory.

AnyFucker Thu 31-Jan-13 23:25:34

not compulsory smile

naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 23:31:04

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naughtythoughts Thu 31-Jan-13 23:35:27

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AnyFucker Thu 31-Jan-13 23:42:18

anyfucker: just because you aren't getting any!

You've said that twice now. You must know me.

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