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Found out DH watches porn - should I be this upset?

(102 Posts)
justkeeponsmiling Thu 31-Jan-13 00:02:25

Earlier on today, I stumbled across the evidence that DH watches porn online on our laptop. I confronted him (by text - I know it's bad but he was out) and he admitted it but we've not spoken about it since.
I feel so upset. I'm usually very open-minded - we have sex once or twice a week and I feel it's good quality sex, if u know what I mean. There's the occasional toys, we don't always switch the lights off... u get the drift. We have even watcged some films together, although this is quite a few years ago now!!!
I thought we were doing pretty well in that department - we've been together for 11 years and have three kids and both work.
In principle, I'm not against porn and it would never have bothered me if I had walked in on him masturbating, I would have just laughed it off.
But the thought that he sits downstairs masturbating over Cindy taking it hard from behind while I'm out to work or asleep upstairs really upsets me.
I thought I knew him and all of a sudden I realise I don't know him at all.
Also, I can't imagine having sex with him again - I bet he plays the clips over and over in his head while we do it, the thought makes me feel ill.
Am I being a hypocrite? I just feel really hurt and betrayed.

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 01:26:41

There is no clash of values between being open-minded about sex and disliking porn. Sex and porn are completely different, so don't equate the two.

I find it an odd sort of relationship though where you can text your husband but not discuss the issue face to face when you see him later. What's that all about?

Your main worry seems to be that he's comparing the women to you and fantasising about what he's seen rather than concentrating on you and the sex you're having. I expect you'll get a load of posts telling you not to be silly, a few more demanding you confess to your own mind wanderings during sex and the usual batch of posters who confuse porn with masturbation and cannot imagine men wanking without it. You'll probably be urged to try watching it with him and you'll get the usual old bollocks about all men using porn, when trust me they do not.

So I'll just say that you're entitled to your feelings on this and don't let anyone tell you they are unreasonable or invalid. You're entitled to express them to your husband too.

If you don't want porn in your relationship, say so. If you've never told him that before and you've used porn yourself in the past, he probably thought you were okay with it. You're entitled to change your mind though. I just hope that he's honest enough to tell you whether he's going to carry on or stop doing something that upsets you, rather than continue in secret.

FWIW I hate porn and wouldn't want a relationship with a man who uses it, but for me it's because of the abuse in the porn industry, the way that women are degraded in porn and because in my experience, porn losers are absolutely shit lovers.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 07:46:55

"Am I being a hypocrite? "

No. But if you've never actually articulated that you don't approve of the use of porn, and if you've watched films together in the past etc then it would be unfair to expect him to know your views have changed. I think your ideas that he 'plays the clips over and over' sound like they stem from your own insecurity rather than reality. However, have a conversation with him, explain how you feel about it and I'm sure he'll offer to change.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 31-Jan-13 08:13:20

every word badinage said.

You are completely entitled to be as upset as you want: your feelings are your own, and you have the right. Nothing and no-one gets to dictate how you feel about any issue. Now you just need to communicate this to your husband, and see whether he is prepared to respect your feelings.

Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 09:00:44

trust me they do not
Badinage how the hell do you know all men dont use porn? You are simply guessing. The arrogance of some people on this site is astounding.

Tuliprosa Thu 31-Jan-13 09:01:20

I love my DP dearly and our sex life couldn't be better, but yes - sometimes I do watch porn. I have an extremely high sex drive (especially for a woman, I suppose) and sometimes when DP can't be there I watch a video and by no means does he (nor I) consider it a betrayal.

I'm not comparing DP to the man, it's the act of sex that engages me, not the actors themselves - it's a healthy primal human urge in my opinion.

DP himself says videos do nothing for him. Occasionally if I'm not there he'll look at photographs (artistic, bondage style ones) because that's what floats his boat. I think it it became a frequent think, ie: doing it all the time when I was in the house and up for sex that would be a problem, as that spells out a rejection of me, as opposed to using it as a substitute when I'm not there.

Neither of us would dream of being unfaithful and I can honestly say that I never fantastise about anything I've seen in videos when I'm making love to DP - when we're together, it's about how it FEELS, not how things look!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 09:02:15

By definition 'all' men don't use porn - just some of them. That's not an arrogant statement, surely?

Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 09:05:34

It is the whole post cogito - very patronising.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 09:16:20

You're not wrong there... smile

discophile Thu 31-Jan-13 09:28:08

badinage - excellent post. justkeep, you're going to need some honest conversations with your husband. Remember, you are entitled to your feelings.

Some men use porn, some don't. Some women use it, as well, and others don't.
You are entitled to your feelings and your point of view, and you need to chat to your H about it, but (as was said upthread) if he is not aware that you dislike porn then it's important not to behave as though he has committed a deliberate and terrible betrayal of you. He hasn't. His opinion on porn may differ from yours, and his feelings and opinions are as valid as yours, so listen to what he says and remember you are aiming for a compromise and an agreement that will make both of you happy.

sooperdooper Thu 31-Jan-13 10:26:35

I thin you're totally overreacting, lots of people like porn, it doesn't make him a bad person imo and to say you can't imagine having sex with him again is completely melodramatic, especially if you've watched it together - how on earth was he to know you didn't like it when you've watched it with him? confused

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 12:39:04

It astounds me that posters will join a thread just to have a pop at another poster - but offer no advice at all to the OP. But it takes all sorts wink

It is by no means illogical to say that not all men use porn - clearly they don't. In the same way that not all men like butter or popcorn, or narrowly defined 'male hobbies' like cars, DIY or football.

Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 14:55:55

Your post to the OP is totally patronising. I felt it needed pointing out.
OP - most men use porn. It really is no big deal, end of.

anklebitersmum Thu 31-Jan-13 15:10:08

Maybe I'm way off the mark but I'm reading that it's not so much the porn as the fact that she feels he's sneaking about to watch it and hence feels undermined.

On that basis I'd be upset too and I'd be broaching the subject at the earliest opportunity.

Hi OP, apologies in advance, I'm on my phone and it will post this twice! Its not me trying to hammer my point across smile.

You are definitely entitled to feel upset and I personally think its important to sit down with your DH and talk this all through in a non confrontational way. Resentment is very corrosive to any relationship.

Just to share my experience, I caught my DH (then BF) having a tug to porn. I was 19 and very insecure and I completely flipped my stack. Was hurt and upset blah blah, we split up as a result. We got back together 4 years later, now married with a little boy. He still occasionally has a dally with 'Cindy' but now that I'm older (and hopefully a bit more secure) it really doesn't bother me.

I know I'd far rather him have a hand shandy to something on a computer monitor than go stick his cock in some one else.

Everyone will have different attitudes to porn, and as far as the abuse in porn as mentioned by a previous poster.. Well that's a completely separate thread.

I just think sitting down and discussing your feelings will help immensely.

Bloody phone making me out to be a liar!!

Bloody phone making me out to be a liar!!

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 15:32:35

And I feel the need to point out that you're talking bollocks Bobby. You don't know 'most men' and so you can only say that most of the men that you know use porn, which (assuming that's true) is different.

I think telling an OP who asked for help that what she's concerned about is 'No Big Deal. End of.' is extremely unhelpful and hugely patronising.

PartTimeModel Thu 31-Jan-13 15:39:02

"most men use porn."
I do not believe ^ to be a true statement.

"It really is no big deal"
Clearly some people believe this, many others however don't and think its a big deal for many reasons.

OP I think feeling hurt & betrayed is a perfectly natural response. You are not a hypocrite. First step, sit down and tell him how you feel face to face.

bodencatalogue Thu 31-Jan-13 16:47:55

I don't think it's a case of should you be upset, you are upset, you've identified why so now you need to talk to your DH about it.

Despite all the naysayers here lots and lots and lots and lots of men view porn to varying degrees. Many, many, many men do this secretly with their wives completely and utterley oblivious to it.

Not interested in getting into an argument about it or whether porn is abhorrent or whatever else, I am not justifying it's existence. It's a fact, like it or not and pulleeze do not give me the "well it depends on the men that you know" argument. Yes of course there are men who are not interested in porn to any degree at all. But a huge number are interested, why do you think porn sites are the single most popular category on the internet?

Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 17:09:12

I'm trying to he helpful to OP by explaining that it isn't a big deal and is not a reflection on her if her partner wants to bash the bishop over porn. The alternative is arguably worst - ie he might use his imagination and think about an ex or somebody from work or whatever.
Badinage - the stats on website traffic are widely available, porn is still by far the webs most popular pastime.

Ooh, he might use his imagination! crikey! In what way is that 'arguably worst'?

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling down. Do have a conversation with him - and make your feelings clear.

itsahardlifegodfrey Thu 31-Jan-13 17:48:27

youporn streams 50 gigabytes of porn per second and this only one site

Clearly lots of people watch porn

Or some people watch a lot of porn.

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