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ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

Don't want to upset dil

(63 Posts)
Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 16:48:35

I live on my own, and my youngest son has suggested that I move to live near to his family. I would love to do this.
however, my dil, who is very close to her mother, has always wanted her parents to live near her. they would like to do this, but due to family circumstances can't do so at the moment. They spend far more time with my sons family than I do, visiting for a few days at a time but that has been fine with me.
I appreciate that a daughters bond with her mother is extra special but I have two sons, so have never had this.
I have already said to my son, that I would have no intention of keep 'popping' round to their house.
I think this situation has caused some tension between my son and his wife which is upsetting me and has taken the shine off the idea of moving near to them. However, I feel that my dil must understand that my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them as much as her mother would like to be by her.
Any thoughts please?

nefertarii Thu 31-Jan-13 14:36:22

I am really confused. op have you spoke to dil if not how to you know she is bothered by this?

I assumed you had spoken to her.

patienceisvirtuous Thu 31-Jan-13 19:41:48

Springdiva what a mean and selfish post!

What is family for? I most certainly hope to be in a position to help, and spend time with my dps and pils as they get older.

Springdiva Thu 31-Jan-13 20:34:28

Springdiva what a mean and selfish post

Well, the perfect scenario is that the OP lives happily ever after near her DS and DDIL but there seem to be undercurrents in her post that this might not happen.

She needs to speak to her DIL but the fact that this isn't mentioned by her as her obvious answer suggests she is wary of how this could go.

I repeat that she should try to get a life of her own so that DDIL doesn't feel she will have a needy relative dependent on them. This is what I would do. Then I would offer babysitting or whatever to help out DS and DDIL and then you are contributing to their lives and not waiting for them to contribute to yours.

EggRules Thu 31-Jan-13 21:02:52

I don't think Springdivas posts are mean or selfish. I relocated to a different city and moved in with my OH and it was isolating at first. I met a lot of friends through work and now have a great social life outside of my DH and DS. The OP needs to consider how she will spend her free time out of work, especially as she gets closer to retirement and leaving the business.

I get on ok with my in laws but wouldn't want to live opposite them to recreate the Barone's in Everybody Loves Raymond.

Treat others how you want to be treated is a two way street.

patienceisvirtuous Thu 31-Jan-13 21:49:50

There are undercurrents of the OP being viewed as a second class citizen - having to tread carefully and make herself useful?!

I took it as a given that OP would make a life for herself in the new place; I certainly didn't make an automatic assumption she could potentially be a burden.

EggRules Thu 31-Jan-13 22:40:34

The OP needs to consider her quality of life outside of work and ensure this will either the remain the same or improve.

AutumnDreams Fri 01-Feb-13 01:20:31

I repeat that she should try to get a life of her own so that DDIL doesn't feel she will have a needy relative dependent on them. This is what I would do. Then I would offer babysitting or whatever to help out DS and DDIL and then you are contributing to their lives and not waiting for them to contribute to yours..

The OP has not been back on this thread, and quite frankly reading this arrogance, and total dismissal of her as a intelligent woman, I`m not surprised. She has handed the main running of a company that she started with her late husband, to her son. The son feels it would be a good idea, for it to be re-located to the town he lives in, and his mother move house to the same town. All perfectly acceptable thus far, if she is comfortable with this. To suggest that she needs to "get a life" is insulting. She most certainly has a life, running a business, and has stated that she would not be "popping in" to visit the DIL. To suggest that she should justify her presence by offering to babysit, and other things, whilst at the same time being told to expect nothing in return, is at best cruel, and at it`s very worst shows a total lack of respect and recognition for all that she has done for her sons, over many years, before they had partners. Some of the comments made on here are, quite frankly, insulting and hurtful, and are definitely not condusive to a possible pleasant family relationship.

bellabelly Fri 01-Feb-13 01:56:01

Haven't read all the posts but OP - you sound lovely and considerate. The fact that you are thinking about DIL's possible reservations shows that you're not likely to overstep boundaries etc etc.

My in-laws recently moved to our (small) town and I have to say that I had a few reservations about the idea (and so did they, I think) but it's been wonderful so far and I'm so pleased that they did. My Mil had a frank conversation with me about how we would have to "tread carefully" (her words, not mine) to make sure neither of us was being too full on and that in itself reassured me massively. It's lovely to see more of them, they babysit (when mutually convenient) which is incredibly welcome, they pop round (pre-arranged) to see DCs, we sometimes see them for dinner/drinks after Dcs are in bed, I never feel crowded - and i'm someone who REALLY values my privacy! I also find it very reassuring that as they get older and health issues become worse, we are on hand rather than miles away. And my DCs are much closer now to their GPs, which is lovely to see. My own parents (well, my mum really) had been making noises for a while about moving closer to us but it hasn't happened. Oh well.

So, that's just my experience BUT I suppose I'm saying that the reservations your DIL might have are perfectly normal and don't necessarily mean that she's AGAINST the idea, just that a) she might have been talking to her DH about worst case scenarios and b) DHs are often rubbish at reporting back conversations - a lot gets lost in translation, I find... think you need to have a face-to-face conversation with your DS and DIL, and then see how YOUfeel about it all.

patienceisvirtuous Fri 01-Feb-13 07:14:34

Autumn Dreams I completely agree. Some of the above comments really shocked me!

I find this thread really sad. It seems that quite a few people see their husband's parents as much less important than their own. And, worse, people accept that this is OK, perfectly understandable.

diddl Fri 01-Feb-13 09:12:00

Well tbh, my husband´s parents are less important to me than my own.

I find them hard to get on with & tbh, even if they lived next door I don´t see why I should suddenly like them more or want to see them more often.

Husband & children could do as they pleased though.

Concernedmil Fri 01-Feb-13 09:22:03

I have been reading all your comments and thought it was time I can back onto the thread.
AutumnDreams Thank you for your kind words.

I would like to point out that when my son and DIL were first married , they lived for about 4 years in the town where the business is situated and where I live. We had a good relationship, and I certainly did not keep 'popping in', although I was at hand to help out in any way if they needed it. Because DIL wished to live nearer her parents, they have since moved twice in their direction, and now live approx. halfway between us.

have lots more I would like to say but finding it difficult to put into words. Will have a think about it and come back again.

diddl Fri 01-Feb-13 09:26:22

Glad you came back, OP.

Perhaps DIL is hoping that they & the business relocate nearer her parents??

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