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I find my DH so rude, I just don't see how I am going to be able to live with this for the rest of our lives

(76 Posts)
timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:56

Maybe this sounds like a small thing but I just find my DH so rude at times, and it is impossible to ever get him to see or apologise when he's been rude as he just dismisses me with a 'whatever' or accuses me of the same behaviour when I haven't done anything remotely similar.

We have issues with our 4 year old and rude behaviour from her atm, yet DH doesn't seem to see that he models behaviour to her and that if he is rude to us she will pick up on it and see it as normal.

For example, after lunch today our 4 yr old asked if she could help tidy up and he told her to "get out of it" and "jog on". When I tried to point out to him that perhaps she's rude because he speaks to her in that way he did his usual passive-aggressive door-slamming "whatever" refusing to discuss it even when I try to discuss it with him rationally.

Our two year old now walks around saying "shut up, whatever" if someone says or does something she doesn't like.

Yesterday I went to the shops and bought a 6 pack of soft drink. Dh is sitting there this evening drinking one and then goes to the kitchen so I ask him to get one. He replies that it's the last one and he's just about to have it. I ask him very politely if I could have it as I haven't had any of them (he's drunk 5 in the last 2 days) and he's just had one and he chucks it down on the table, slams the door, sits in his chair and turns the telly up.

I try to speak to him about it, to try and explain my point of view "whatever" turns telly up.

I literally can't communicate with the man and I hate the affect the way he is is having on our dc.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:53:34

Thank you all.

I need to think about what to do. I can sometimes catch him in the right mood to have a sensible conversation, I'm just not sure I can face trying right now.

He can be contrite sometimes, but it's like he will jsut apologise for the sake of it to make it all blow over. I came upstairs tonight after the huffing and door slamming over the drink because this is the third incident this week (second today) and I just couldn't face sitting in a room with him anymore.

He came upstairs and tried to be all friendly and said sorry but he genuinely didn't know what he was saying sorry for or believed he needed to. He just thought him coming and saying that would mean I went back downstairs and his behaviour could be forgotten.

ClaudiaSchiffer Mon 28-Jan-13 03:52:59

OP if I were you I'd talk to him when he comes to say sorry - he obviously knows he's done something wrong even if he's too stupid obtuse to understand exactly what.

Tell him - like you would talk to a child that A. This behaviour IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. B. He needs to change C. You are not tolerating it any more.

My dh used to try the old sulking trick on me when we first married - he'd sulk for days, it was so dreary. And it would REALLY upset me and frighten me. This was until I started to lose respect for him and couldn't really be bothered pandering to his stupid sulky moods anymore. I told him to sharpen up as I was sick of tip toeing around him for days. And you know what it WORKED - I was astonished but once he know his sulks weren't getting him anywhere they gradually ceased. Fucking idiot.

Good luck. He sounds like hard work.

HermioneHatesHoovering Mon 28-Jan-13 04:08:08

You say you were both stressed when the children were younger. Did that turn you into a rude, ignorant person? Obviously I don't need an answer to this but you might want to think about it.

deleted203 Mon 28-Jan-13 04:18:20

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't stand for my boss speaking to me in this dismissive, rude fashion - never mind the person who was supposed to love me. I don't have an suggestions (apart from LTB), but I don't know how you can put up with this kind of rude, disrepectful behaviour in your own home.

PoppyField Mon 28-Jan-13 10:28:19

This is not a small thing at all.

Your DH is not sorry. He is not in the least contrite. He thinks he has got things nicely under control. And if you occaisionally get a little bit uppity (about say, him asserting his god-given patriarchal 'right' to drink all the fizzy drinks) then he just needs to act 'a bit more nasty' to keep you in line. Plus you will be so busy trying to meet the needs of your traumatised and confused daughters, he won't have to do much to sap any energy you have left to stand up for yourself. As domestic tyrants go, he's got it all wrapped up, hasn't he?

I agree with other posters who say that it demonstrates a total lack of respect for you. It reminds me strongly of my situation before I kicked out my STBXH. Our children were very small like yours, and he was behaving horribly towards me - 'rudeness' if you like - for a long time before we spilt up. He was creating a hostile environment for me and the children to live in, and I was being blamed for all of it. He never apologised, never took responsibility for his horrific, scary temper, never appeared to feel guilty for shouting in front of the children. What he was doing to me and what your husband is doing to you is Abuse. I lived in fear, but I didn't know it.

There are probably lots of things you do not want to acknowledge about his behaviour and what it says. Things that took me a long time to work out. Let me save you some time. Some things are very clear. Somebody who loves you does not treat you like this. Somebody who respects you does not treat you this way. The question you may be asking is 'How can someone who loves me treat me like this?' The answer is, 'They don't.'

I think you are at a stage where you need to give him an ultimatum. His behaviour is unacceptable and if he does not acknowledge it and promise to change (giving clear practical steps), then you tell him the only option left is to split up. No-one deserves to be treated the way he treats you. If - as is likely - he completely denies that he is out of order - then you know he has no intention of changing and he is probably betting that you will not push the nuclear button. That is the ultimate passive aggressive way of getting you to 'split the family up.' Expect to be blamed for that as well.

Keep standing up for yourself. Do not tolerate his appalling behaviour. It has already had a serious, negative effect on your four year old. Do not wait much longer to act. Be prepared for your ultimatum to be taken as another excuse from him to ratchet up the anger. This is his weapon and he uses it to scare you. He thinks he can scare you into backing down every time. You can take back control but it may feel incredibly big and scary. Start marshalling your own support. Get a few solicitor's numbers and start thinking about the future without him.

You sound lovely. He will exploit your tolerant, understanding, caring nature and he will count on you trying to smooth everything out for your children's sake. You are covering for him all the time. Call his bluff. Don't let them suffer any longer - they are being blighted too.

Do talk to friends and family in RL - they need to know what is going on. You don't say whether you've talked to anyone else.

Sorry to be brutal. I mean it in the spirit of true sisterly support. You deserve a whole lot better than this.

Poppy x

Spero Mon 28-Jan-13 10:57:18

What poppy said.

He may want to end the relationship by pushing you into making that choice. Then he can go and tell everyone he was the victim of your bad behaviour.

But actually sod it, why waste time trying to second guess the motives for his behaviour? You do not treat someone like that if you have any love or respect for them. And a relationship without love and respect is hellish.

echt Mon 28-Jan-13 11:01:55

What claudia, poppy and sowornout said. Particularly sowornout

Hermionehmm

Spero Mon 28-Jan-13 11:05:55

I think Hermioine makes a very good point! why the face?

I thought she was simply pointing out that the op has been through exactly the same stressful crap that her husband has... but it didn't turn her into a bellend. Why should 'stress' be any kind of excuse or reasonfor persistantly treating your other half like this?

We can all have bad days and need to let off steam but his behaviour is not a one off.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 11:09:06

How many children did you say you had ?

This is beyond rudeness. This behavior is abusive. To you, and your children.

Hullygully Mon 28-Jan-13 11:21:24

Um

Um

He is a vile pig

Astelia Mon 28-Jan-13 11:25:13

Does he treat other people rudely (shop assistants, waiters, waitresses) when you are out and about or does he save his poor behaviour for behind closed doors? Is he as bad with men as with women?

I find it strange that he wouldn't offer you a cup of tea when making tea for his parents- didn't they comment on this? It would strike my family as very odd behaviour.

I am wondering how he can get away with aggressive and rude behaviour at work- it seems very unprofessional. I can't think of any job where it would be acceptable.

The whole thing sounds awful and letting your DC witness and learn from it is so sad. They will not endear themselves to others if they parrot it at school/nursery. The other parents will run a mile.

I don't know what the answer is- counselling? Big discussions at home? Getting your parents/his parents involved? Parenting course? Seeing GP for help with anger management?

Theas18 Mon 28-Jan-13 11:34:18

I'm going to ask the question noone else has....

What is his redeeming feature? why are you still with this man, being treated like this?

Does he have a very big salary or penis- LOL

Joking aside, I can't see why you'd want to stay married to him.

timeismoney Mon 28-Jan-13 13:17:56

His redeeming features?

He is generally very good with our DC. They adore him, and when he's not being like the way I describe in the OP he is great with them. He spent the whole of last weekend playing in the snow with them.

He is not always this way. Sometimes he is kind, and fun.

I think there is something to be salvaged from our relationship, but we've fallen into a pattern where I 'nag' him and it puts his back up.

What did his parents saying about him not making me tea? I doubt they would have noticed. They are a bit strange, really. They don't have a lot in the way of social skills or empathy with others.

I guess it wouldn't be impossible to leave him. I don't work at the moment (which I think is part of the problem) but could go back to work. My parents are involved and supportive but not local. They are wealthy and generous and helped us with a deposit on our house (though there is nothing legally in place to say that the 25% deposit is mine).

We have 2 dc.

Spero Mon 28-Jan-13 13:54:16

This is often the response - he is good with the children.

But unless he is showing the children he loves and respects YOU he is not good with the children is he? He is setting a horrible, toxic example, which they will carry into adulthood and possibly visit on their own partners.

I wish I could remember the name of the psychologist who was asked what is the most important thing a father could do for his children - 'love their mother' was the response. It was a radio 4 programme, years ago. That has resonated and stuck with me ever since.

I am not saying LTB if you genuinely think things could be salvaged. but something has to change, quite quickly.

Astelia Mon 28-Jan-13 14:39:17

It sounds like he hasn't had good teachers in the manners/empathy department if the ILs are as you describe. That won't help the situation.

I second the fact he isn't a good father unless he treats the mother of his children with respect and kindness (and I would expect the same high standards of mothers with regards to their children's fathers too).

It sounds like you both need some help to sort this relationship out. Personally I would fight tooth and nail if I wanted to salvage my marriage- do you want to do that or has it gone too far?

PoppyField Tue 29-Jan-13 10:11:55

How are you doing OP?

Springdiva Tue 29-Jan-13 10:42:53

Ditto He is generally very good with our DC - it's is positively weird how many OPs with miserable bastards for partners say this about them.

I think that the DCs might, however young, be a bit scared or wary of the DP and act extra nicely towards him because of this, this is read by the DM as his being good with the DCs. I could be wrong but my DF was an alcy and we kids were positively angelic, we just didn't want to aggravate DF and felt DM had a miserable life and didn't want to make it worse.
And that is not healthy, not now and not in the long term (believe me).

I would speak to a solicitor in your position OP, and research how things would be if you divorced. Once you are accustomed to the idea it would be much easier to plan for the future and decide whether or not you can put up with this or not.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:58:32

I've been in a relationship where i just couldn't communicate reasonably with them. After four years i had to just accept it wasn't going to work. I spent a lot of my time not understanding why our conversations always turned into arguments and wondering what i had said wrong and double guessing. In the end i had to accept that his way of communicating and handling simple situations was dysfunctional and there was nothing i could do to change it.

It doesn't matter who was entitled to the last drink. In a normal healthy exchange he would have offered it to you or suggested you share or something else normal, not smashed it down on the table and sulked. That's the behaviour of a child who uses bad behaviour to get their own way.

The other things you describe sound like a failure to accept others peoples ideas and the idea that he could ever take advice or accept responsibility for something. A suggestion you make he instantly takes as criticism. I had an ex like that too! (pick them don't i!) and he had an anger problem and turned violent. I read somewhere that failure to ever accept blame is a sign of an abusive man (or woman). That particular ex once phoned me at work shouting down the phone at me because he had burnt my top ironing! Apparently it was my fault because he had been trying to do me a favour! A normal person would have just said "Sorry i burnt your top."

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 11:07:06

Its interesting that you say that his parents don't have much social skills or empathy. Neither does he. I wonder if its a learnt thing or something else. For eg my brother i believe is on the autistic spectrum (not sure where abouts) and he lacks those things. He is undiagnosed but its pretty obvious. So i wonder if there is something like that, or if he just never learnt it from his parents (although as an adult now you'd think he'd be figuring it out) or if he's just an arsehole!

From what you say about him apologizing but not seeming to know why it sounds like he just doesn't get it, like a little child.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 11:07:59

Not that it really matters i suppose because if he's awful to live with you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Springdiva Tue 29-Jan-13 12:12:15

And the 'whatever' attitude when you say something is just a nasty passive-aggressive way to make YOU feel you are the nagger/ difficult one/ complainer when in fact it is 100% them - and it is a total wind up (because you're views and anger are being dismissed) and he bluddy knows it!

Springdiva Tue 29-Jan-13 12:12:53

should be 'your views and anger'.

timeismoney Tue 29-Jan-13 14:28:42

Thank you all. He's been ok the last few days.

What's been said about the autistic spectrum - I have thought before that his parents (or at the very least, his Dad) are on there somewhere. I didn't want to say that and be shouted down for trying to make some kind of diagnosis that I'm not qualified to make.

DH has a brother with (if it's possible to believe) even poorer social skills. His brother and his Dad both have a temper.

His mother doesn't, but she seems to only experience life in a very narrow way - for e.g. she doesn't understand how anyone could be considered family unless it's via marriage or blood. She doesn't understand an adopted child is a son or daughter to their parents, or that an unmarried couple who have been together for very many years would be as devastated to lose one another than a married couple. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I only say all this to try to highlight what his upbringing has been like, not to excuse. He is not just like them though. They are racist and ignorant - he is not, and deplores their nasty views.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 15:16:24

What's been said about the autistic spectrum - I have thought before that his parents (or at the very least, his Dad) are on there somewhere. I didn't want to say that and be shouted down for trying to make some kind of diagnosis that I'm not qualified to make.

Yeah i thought id be shouted down too grin

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