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Please tell me I WILL be happier on my own than like this....?

(54 Posts)
Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:06:45

I live with a bully, a man who tells me I'm a state, I've let myself go, I'm a crap mother. A man who took me out for our anniversary when I was pregnant only to rant at me all evening about how little milk I was drinking during my pregnancy and I shouldn't be surprised if our child had been born disabled because of me. A man who has called me a c* several times, said I deserve to rot in hell with my dead parents. A man who refused to let me continue working when I had our DS 5 years ago so I had to reduce my hours and let go if any "career" I hoped I'd have.

A man who doesn't touch me, hasn't wanted to sleep with me for 3 years despite me literally throwing myself at him. A man who makes fun of me in front of our friends. A man who has dictated which embers of my family are allowed round our house despite me bending over backwards for his.

A man who works from 8am until 10pm every day apart from Sundays when he is just miserable. I have practically raised our son on my own.

A man who has dangled the "having another child" in font of me for 4 years only for him to never come near me, and to even say "and you wonder why you're not pregnant look at the state of you!". He has slept on the sofa for a year.

A man who has thrown away his breakfast I cooked him because his eggs weren't done quite right.

A man who has hurt me 4 times.

This same man is practically a saint to the outside world, would do anything for anyone (yet rant about them to me), a man who looks like he's working every hour god sends to provide for his wife and son even though he has his own business and I have huge doubts as to how he can be working at 10pm at night. A man who goes so over the top with gifts on my birthday, Christmas and anniversary, spending hundreds, sometimes thousands.

Last Sept, almost a year to the day that I also lost my beautiful mum, who I miss so much I can barely breathe some days, I found that something had snapped in me, a lightbulb moment. This man I married can't possibly love me and it dawned on me that I don't love him anymore, he's killed everything.

I told him and I asked him o be honest, he sad "he loved me but not in that way" although he was happy to stay living together for our son. When I sad I wasn't, I'm 33 and haven't had sex since I was 29, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be happy. He called me selfish.

Since Sept I have started confiding in my close friends, some shocked, some not shocked at all and were almost waiting for me to tell them. My best friend cried, couldn't believe I had been hurting like this for so long and said I was a wonderful actress.

I can't help but think when I look at my husband he got me when I was so low, my dad had just died and I was pregnant and then at the end of 2011 my mum died and he has used these points in my life to get inside my head, tell me I'm disgusting and he even said my friends had god him id changed for the worst, when I asked them this recently I could tell by their faces these conversations hadn't happened.

So now I have an appt with my solicitor booked for next tues, an appt with the CAB Friday, and I'm about to blow my sons world apart by splitting up his little family. I hate myself for it, but my current life is killing me.

I am scared and I know it sounds mad, is it better the devil you know? Will I really be ok on my own with my DS? Can I do this? What if I'm aways n my own? What f I can't get back on the property ladder or give my son the things he deserves? I now this all sounds mental, but I am scared of the unknown, when at east with him I know my life... Does that sound insane?

I m not scared of him, pease no replies telling me to run screaming from the house, he hasn't hurt me since 2009. And like any coward, now that he has lost his control over me he has lost us power. He has been very amicable since we made the decision to not be together, I now he would rather live separate lives in the same house but this s what I can't do.

I just need to know its going to be ok.

Thankyou for taking the time to read.

XxxxxX

ShephardsDelight Wed 23-Jan-13 17:15:30

Yes! you will!
I'm surprised you tolerated such awful treatment for so long, but you can't turn back time just march forward and booking solicitor is part of that well done you!

Just out of interest , what was the moment when you thought 'thats it!'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 17:17:58

It's going to be OK and yes, you can do anything you put your mind to. You've already proved that you are strong, resilient and resourceful by surviving so much abuse. Just think what you can do with that same strength, resilience and resourcefulness when you can use it positively.

Things like property and other possessions are 'nice to have'. What's really important in life are things like peace of mind, freedom and love. What your DS 'deserves' is love, attention and a relaxed family environment ... If you give him that I think he'd be happy in a tent smile I've been a single parent since my DS was born 12 years ago. He's a great kid, we have a very close relationship and an absent Dad doesn't seem to have held him back at all

Glad you're seeing a solicitor. How exciting!

toffeelolly Wed 23-Jan-13 17:18:59

oh addsox, get out of this now , what a shit , you do not have to live with that shithole get yourself and children away from this evil shit nobody deserve's to live like this .so sad to hear your story . what is he like with the children? just get out now. look after yourself and your children.x

cutestgirls Wed 23-Jan-13 17:19:24

oh dear OP, you've said many things here that sound as if your husband has a serious mental health issue. he does sound narcissistic to me and incredibly selfish (possibly the result of a mental health issue.)

Firstly, you cannot remain living with him separately if he is so utterly miserable to you this will only negatively impact your DS view of relationships and marriage. no child of estranged parents ever said they were happier when their parents were together. you must leave him at this point.

additionally, it is clear that he has gotten to you. THIS IS IMPERATIVE go get some good professional counseling to begin the healing process. right now you are still bound to him to the point that you think you are better off with him than on your own

if you are a responsible parent, which i am assuming you are, you will manage on your own. thousands of women do it every day. be strong. get the counseling. and speak to a lawyer TODAY. you need to end this abusive relationship asap before things become even worse for both you and DH.

i am pretty sure that i do not stand alone in my opinion and others here will tell you the same. you will get the support you need on here, but you MUST have some RL support as well and release yourself from this abusive man.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:23:16

Thankyou, I must admit every time I tell someone it's like a little brick being then off my shoulders xxx

The light bulb moment came when I was at my mums and dads grave in Sept last year, I haven't Ben able to grieve for my parents properly (pictures of them around our hose /talking about them "angers him").

Anyway I was stood there looking at the flowers I'd pt down, wishing to god d told my mum what was going on, when I asked myself "what would she have said if I had confided in her". It was a no brainer, I could almost hear her screaming at me to be happy!!!!

I miss my parents so much, they were so young when they died, 54 and 55, and I've been to hell and ack. I realised I was still here, still standing, and I owed it to them and me to be happy.

I am excited, thankyou so much for your replies. X

silversnow Wed 23-Jan-13 17:24:33

This is just the start of a new and wonderful life for you, well done for getting to the point you're at now. There may well be tought times ahead, but you've endured tough times over the past few years and you will get through them. And I suspect they'll be outnumbered by good times smile. Good luck OP! Don't look back, just take small steps forward x

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:26:52

Cutestgirls, yes you are right, completely, he had gotten to me, my self worth and confidence have been through the floor. I also have an appt booked with a counsellor (go me!). I am ready.

The whoe reason I told my best friends I ally is because they are fiercely defensive of me and will not let me stay with a man like this, love them. I knew once it was "out there" I'd have to take action, and I promise I am and will. I see it all for what it is now, he nearly got me but not quite....! X

It will be ok and you and your son will be a lot happier without his malign prescence in your day to day lives.

Your H blew this family apart by his actions; you have done nothing wrong. He met you at a low point in your life and took full advantage of your vulnerability and low self worth.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied; he could well end up killing you in the end. Leaving this man gives your son back his mother, she can blossom again and not remain the shell of a person that she currently is.

Verbal abuse like he has meted out is just as damaging as physical abuse; there are many types of violence and he has used many such tactics on you that abusive men employ. He has also been controlling and has controlled access to your family. He has employed more than one type of abuse here. This is and always has been about power and control; he has wanted absolute over you. He does not care at all for you and by turn your child.

Abusive men can be very plausible to those in the outside world but some of your friends were not surprised at all were they?. They saw through his facade and noticed how unhappy you are.

The first step to get out of an abusive relationship is often the hardest to make and I applaud you for arranging legal advice - do attend that Solicitors appt next Tuesday and the CAB on Friday!.

Please be careful. He may well become less amicable when he realises how serious you actually are about leaving him. You need to remain safe and have a plan of escape in place, enlist all help from family and friends. To begin with move all vital documents away from your home, give these to your parents/friends to keep. Again Womens Aid can advise.

By leaving this man you teach your son a vital and positive lesson re relationships; the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.
What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Of course you want to teach him positive lessons.

I would also suggest you talk to Womens Aid as they can and will help you as well. You may want to attend their Freedom programme as such men do take an awful long time (years even) to recover from.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as well.

Good luck!

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:27:43

Sorry for the awful spelling, damn ipad spell checking!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 17:28:18

BTW... never worry about being 'on your own for ever'. You need to take a serious breather once you've exited your current relationship. Consider some personal counselling as previously suggested. The 'Freedom Programme' is worth a look. Delay dating until you've had chance to process your feelings, recalibrate what is 'normal' behaviour in a relationship and get your self-confidence up again. Once you've embraced independence fully you'll be very, very fussy in future about who you choose to share your life, and your DS's life, with.

cutestgirls Wed 23-Jan-13 17:28:25

oddsox2, wishing you the best of luck here and like silver says...take baby steps and don't look back

colditz Wed 23-Jan-13 17:29:15

You are not going to do anything to your sons life, you said yourself his dad is barely there, he only sees him on Sundays and there is no reason, currently, for that to not happen still.

CRUSE are good to talk to with regards to bereavement.

44SoStartingOver Wed 23-Jan-13 17:31:06

Wow, you are not going to believe how happy you are in such a short time. It's going to feel like you have been locked in a dark place and escaped to the sun.

Very best wishes, you are half way there!

Spero Wed 23-Jan-13 17:32:11

I don't see how being on your own could be any worse than what you describe. If you ask the question ' would I rather be on my own for the rest of my life, or continue with this kind of life?' I very much hope your answer would be to be alone.

Because it is not just you that will be utterly crushed if you stay, with little or no opportunity of meeting anyone else, your son will learn some awful lessons about how men treat women.

Best of luck, you are still very young and I hope the next fifty years more than make up for this interlude of utter crapness.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:34:34

Big tears rolling down my cheeks reading these replies. Thankyou. I can really do this cant I!!!!!

I do have an escape plan for if he should turn nasty, but I can't see it as he prides himself on his character and his business, the thought of people finding out the real him terrifies him! I won't let my guard down though I. Promise.

Xx

mcmooncup Wed 23-Jan-13 17:36:32

Op, you have life ahead.
Being single is like being heaven compared to being with a man like that. You won't look back once it's done.
You will be fine......and free ! You will also and have peace.....its the weirdest thing at first but If you take care of yourself and give yourself time you will never let anyone disturb that peace again! What's not to love about that?!?! smilesmilesmile

Change is all you are frightened of, that's natural. But the key thing about change is to stick with it.

Good luck smile

ladyWordy Wed 23-Jan-13 17:37:26

Yes, you can do this! smile It really isn't better the devil you know. Besides which, that devil apparently works till 10pm 6 nights of the week; and that's already raised some suspicions. What if he left tomorrow? What would you really miss...

Take courage Oddsox... Once you have a clearer idea about your financial position you will at least know what you have to deal with, in practical terms. At the moment it's unknown and thus unnerving, as are all the other thoughts going round in your mind. I do sympathise, the unknown is frightening: but when you know more, there will be less to fear.

Please don't imagine you will be 'blowing your son's world apart'... this is catastrophic thinking, and it's not really true. He is still learning about the world. Everything is new to him, and at this young age, whilst he might be puzzled for a day or so, he will adapt faster than you will.

Far better that he faces some new things than continue to watch his lovely mother being treated so cruelly.

Wishing you luck and strength Oddsox...

Spero Wed 23-Jan-13 17:38:06

yes you can! I did it and have never for a moment regretted it. Even if I never have a relationship again, I will look back on my life and know I did the right thing. In fact my only regret is not doing it sooner but I think you have to know you tried when there are children involved. And it sounds like you have certainly tried. Enough is enough.

calypso2008 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:41:11

Good Luck Oddsox you sound strong and you have made up your mind - brilliant. Thinking of you.

colditz Wed 23-Jan-13 17:46:41

Just noticed your son is five.

To be honest, unless his dad makes a massive fuss, he's not going to notice or care. Big up his new bedroom or whatever. If the boy had a nice father, he might be upset at leaving him, but honestly, I've watched a lot of my friends split with partners over the years, and the kids reaction is a lot to do with how the parents were before and how they behave now.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied

This.

sparklyjumper Wed 23-Jan-13 17:55:31

I'm really sorry about your parents.

You will absolutely be so much happier without him, leaving will be an upheaval but more so for you than your ds so please don't worry too much about him, but once you've taken the plunge and settled somewhere I'm so sure that you will end up feeling really free and happy.

I'm really glad that you've got some friends to support you. I truly believe that children are far happier just to be in a happy, calm settled environment more than anything else and that doesn't have to be a bigger house or two parents together.

Also, Beckett, if your son is five, he will simply take his lead from you.

I'm so, so sorry to hear about the life you have been leading.

And I really am glad to hear about the new life you are going to have. It's going to be totally liberating! Excellent that you are excited. You should be.

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