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So I am offically in a gay relationship and totally in love but am I being selfish?

(38 Posts)
amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 14:38:51

Hi everyone

It's been a while since I posted on here, but I think the last time was before me and DP offically broke up and things have changed a lot.

Me and DP broke up a while a go now and that was for many reasons really. We just weren't compatable and I knew I wasn't in love with him and even wondered if I ever was. Obviously the nail in the coffin was when I started developing feelings for another woman.

As I have already said, i'm completely in love with this woman and i'm very happy, which is a feeling i've not had for a long long time. When we first got together, it felt completely right and I feel as though she is part of me. The feeling is completely mutual and she wants to move closer to me so that we can see each other more often and I want her to.

Obviously if it weren't for DD, I would just be enjoying this new love and contentment, but unfortunately I have this constant niggly feeling that i'm being selfish and that this relationship is just going to confuse her. She has certain issues as i've mentioned before and she craves routine. I've not yet spoken to her about gay relationships and I really really don't know how to go about it.

There is still a small part of me that thinks I should just get back together with her dad, just to make her happy. I still love him and always will. We have been through a lot together and so my life wouldn't be miserable or anything, but knowing that a feeling like that exists, I really don't think I could carry on with day to day life and would probably end up resenting DP as I would feel trapped.

So now that it's offical and me and this woman are a couple, does anyone have any advice on how to tell my DD. I don't know whether I should be talking to her about gay relationships beforehand. She's obsessed with fairytales about princes and princesses. I'm so nervous and unsure as to how to tackle this one.

I have already mentioned that I worry about DD possibly being bullied in school because of this and she's already at risk of bullying because of her difficulities.

Any advice or experiences very much appreciated.

Thank you

amibi Wed 30-Jan-13 16:16:04

Sunday, actually my dd hasn't asked me anything about gay relationships yet. However, apparently she once asked my ex dp what a lesbinon was grin and he pretended he hadn't heard her and changed the subject. I hope it goes as well for me as it did for you when I explain all that to my dd.

Loveis, no, you really can't control who you fall in love with. I know not everyone would agree however. All I know is, i've never felt like this before and the thought of letting this go is completely heartbreaking. I was always a bit of a sceptic when it came to these kind of feelings, which I know is quite extreme, but I tend to think with my head and not my heart. Since GF has come along though, it's like I can finally let go and accept that these feelings are real. I hope that makes sense......

Loveis Tue 29-Jan-13 00:56:33

Hi amibi - I was married and have DCs. I met a woman out of the blue and fell in love with her. Almost 2+ years on and I haven't told the DCs yet but will do at some point soon. They know I have a very close friendship with my GF friend as we speak all the time and I mention her a lot. I agree that it's all about how you tell them and help them see that there is nothing wrong or weird about it. You can't control who you fall in love with.

SundaysGirl Mon 28-Jan-13 23:01:13

As with all new relationships where there are children involved my motto is to move slowly and cautiously.

I have a 6 year old and the subject of being gay came up. We were watching strictly come dancing and one of the presenters made a flirty comment at one of the male dancers and my son was confused why. I said offhand 'oh because he is gay so he fancies the man rather than the woman' without really thinking. Son asked what that was. I explained 'sometimes just like when Kate and William met and fell in love (they'd been big up on the Royal Wedding at school and he's still really into it all) a man and a man or a woman and a woman do the same. They might live together or get married, because they love each other'. He nodded and said 'oh that's nice'. and that was that. Didn't phase him at all.

I think that sort of framing is easy enough for them to understand. My son hasn't asked about sex yet so we didn't go into any of that side of things. Right now I feel it is enough for him to know about the concept that men can live with men and so on in a loving and commited relationship.

MyelinSheath Mon 28-Jan-13 22:42:12

Hi
Feel free to pm me as I don't really check in very often. All is going okay with me, just waiting to sell my house so ex and I can move on with our separate lives. Everything is very amicable and my friends and family were shocked and only one or two said they had ever suspected anything. Things still aren't right with my family unfortunately. Hope things are working out for you and you can see a way to being happy.

amibi Thu 24-Jan-13 09:14:12

Thank you everyone.

I've had some really positive and helpful feedback and I really appreciate it.

Mye, I hope I didn't get you into trouble! grin Well I suppose this situation isn't as uncommon as I'd thought. How are you finding still living with your husband? Are you managing to keep things amicable? Did any of your friends or family have a clue before? It's weird cos my sister actually said that she had a feeling beforehand, but mainly cos her bi friends seemed to fancy me lol. Having said that, she was still shocked that I was leaving my dp for a woman and that it wasn't just a bit of fun. My mum and dad were completely shocked and had absolutely no idea, but seem to be getting their head's around the idea now.

noisytoys Wed 23-Jan-13 17:38:30

My mum left my dad for another woman in the 80's. It was decided between them that my dad would be the main parent because in the 80's homophobia was more common. It didn't bother me in the slightest that my mum was gay. It still doesn't and she is with the same partner 25 years later.

MyelinSheath Wed 23-Jan-13 17:30:17

Hi OP,
I'm in a similar ish situation. In fact, my gf read this post and worried it was me thinking about going back to my husband! I told him a year ago that I'm a lesbian and we are still living together but desperately trying to sell our home and separate properly. I am in a gay relationship now and he is casually dating other people. I am so much happier now and I think he will be happier in the end because he will be with someone who loves him properly.
We have a 6.10 yr old dd. It has been hard talking to her about the separation. We have only recently tackled the issue properly with her and she has been upset. We have only told her about the divorce/separation and not about me being gay, however I have always made sure to point out to her that anyone can love anyone and she has a gay godfather so is somewhat used to the idea. She has met my gf but I've only ever said she's a friend, so far.
All the best with your situation, but think carefully and don't go back to a situation you weren't happy in. That won't make your dd any happier in the long run.

maleview70 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:42:17

Not sure about the two mums comments people are making.

What she will actually have is a mum and a dad who don't live together anymore. The new partner is just that a new partner. She is not a mum and won't ever be a replacement for the other parent she already has.

Would you have introduced a new bloke to her so quickly?

As for getting back with your ex, is that not a tad unfair on him? He should be allowed to get on with his life, meet someone new and continue his relationship with his daughter. Would 50/50 custody work in this case as none of this is really his fault and would also give you lots of time to develop your new relationship without having to involve your daughter at this stage. Slowly but surely is a better bet isn't it?

GreatUncleEddie Wed 23-Jan-13 16:03:08

Folk - you didn't tell her Jim Parsons is gay then grin

LotsaTuddles Wed 23-Jan-13 15:43:43

amibi, my mum is gay and she told me when I was about 13 so understood that it was 'different' from being with a man, on the other hand my brother was around 9 and took it completely differently and just assumed that that's what happens sometimes.

My mum did the whole this is my 'friend' thing, her 'friend' stayed at our house a lot and we stayed at hers, my brother and I both knew she wasn't just a friend, so when she finally told us, we were like "yes, and .....?". So, personally I think that you should start to tell her that it's not always mr and mrs, sometimes it's mr and mr and others it's mrs and mrs, get her used to the idea that it's not always mummy and daddy, sometimes it's mummy and mummy (and daddy, if he's still around. Mine wasn't so have no experience of this)

Children are extremely versatile and she's young enough to still be a sponge, in that whatever you tell her, she will absorb. If you don't make it out to be a big deal then she won't think of it as a big deal.

Hope that helps a bit (though not sure how much sense it makes)

Glad you're in a happy relationship though and finally know what you want. I've seen first hand how much of a difference that relief can make.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 15:30:22

Oh and young children are very accepting of pretty much anything new presented to them in the right way.

My daughter has told me that now her dad and I are separated Sheldon Cooper can be my boyfriend! She seemed rather disappointed when I told her that he was just pretend and so it wasn't going to happen. grin

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 15:27:56

Absolutely - I completely agree. All relationships are hard work, but some of it has to be easy. And you're right, it's not healthy. And hopefully you and her dad will be happier in the long run.

I would be careful about making your partner a part of her life too quickly though. It's probably tough when you're full of the initial "I'm so in love!!!" feelings (it's been a long time for me, but I remember being young and in love wink) and everything seems so amazing, but she still needs it to be measured and deliberate for her own wellbeing.

Good luck for the future. x

amibi Wed 23-Jan-13 15:20:38

Flob grin that really made me laugh, thanks!

Folk, the happy mum comment is actually what made me take the plunge and accept that our relationship had to come to an end. Yes, if me and dp could get on then of course, that would be the best environment for DD, but we just don't work and it was making me very unhappy. I was constantly aware that I had never had that feeling which everyone else seemed to be describing. I would have had no problem with just working at our relationship and I do believe you need to work a little harder for the sake your dc's, but when you have to work so hard all the time, it's just not healthy......for anyone.

polly, yeah my gf is being introduced as a friend and it's been very gradual even then. They've met each other twice and we didn't make a big deal out of it. I was just like I would be around any of my other friends. Having said that, she does ask about her a lot and seemed more interested in her than she would normally be about a friend of mine, so I don't know, maybe she's picked up on something. Or maybe she just genuinely really liked her.

pollyblue Wed 23-Jan-13 14:35:10

My DD is 6, one of her closest friends is the daughter of a couple of lesbian friends of mine.

DD thinks having 2 mums is fabulous and says she would like two of her own :D

i agree with Dragons comments that (imo, and thinking in terms of my 6yo) the gay aspect isn't really relevant at the mo, let her get to know your DP as a friend, and allow them to get to know each other slowly.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:50:30

Some friendships may fizzle out but I think that you'll find your real friends sticking around.

My daughter is 6 and she knows about gay relationships. She loves spending the weekend with my friend and her partner and the fact that the house is full of pink and there aren't any stinky boys there!

Your DD will be fine.

What she needs is a happy mum.

Flobbadobs Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:22

DD is 7 and they have been discussing relationships (not sex ed) in school. This is her explanation:
(Take a deep breath and don't stop till the end!)
"Children can have mums and dads, 2 mums, 2dads, one mum, one dad or live with other people. Sometimes children don't live with their own mums and dads, they get 'dopted by other people like (X) and (Y) can I have a biscuit?"
I think your DD will be fine grin

amibi Wed 23-Jan-13 09:11:41

Everybody, yeah I like the sound of that book. That's what i'm looking for really. I don't want her to think that she's going to suddenly have two mummies, or a daddy replacement, so this sounds good.

sorry, thank you, I will definitely start doing that. They are actually starting sex education at school soon, which I know is controversial at her age, but i'm pretty sure they now discuss same sex relationships, so that may help.

SorryMyLollipop Tue 22-Jan-13 23:10:11

I am pretty much 100% hetero (not been there but wouldn't rule it out) i have always told my dds that girls can love/kiss/marry boys or girls and vice versa.
You could just say that princesses can marry princesses and princes can marry princes, if they want to, next time the subject comes up, just to increase her awareness.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 22-Jan-13 23:00:25

i was going to suggest the king and king book too

a lot of the books seem to be about having 2 mummies which I think is something you need to avoid at this stage - the king and king book is much more about finding the right person for you - whatever their gender.

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 22:54:41

*positive

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 22:52:42

Awww thank you to the last couple of responses. They really made me smile.

Oh and cheese, thanks i'll have a look at that book.

I suppose I just want to keep the confusion down to a minimum and I want her to feel as secure as possible. I was worried at one stage that under the circumstances, this wasn't really possible, but tbf, I have heard a lot of possitive stories. I just hope mine turns out to be one of them........

yellowsheep Tue 22-Jan-13 19:20:07

My dd is 6 my sis her aunt has in the last month come out as gay introduced this woman to our family and become engaged.....

My dd response... oooo can I be a bridesmaid... I don't want a pink dress.

Your dd will be fine smile

TheFallenNinja Tue 22-Jan-13 18:21:11

There are kids with mums and dads, kids with 2 mums and kids with 2 dads. She just happens to have 2 mums. Either way, I'm sure she'll still have to tidy her room and clean her teeth. smile

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 18:05:44

Alien, yeah, I can get your confusion from that. What I meant was yes, I could carry on in that relationship and it wouldn't be terrible, but now that i've met her and I have these feelings, it would almost be impossible to carry on when I know that I found something amazing and not just ok, which is how i'd describe mine and dp's relationship.

AlienReflux Tue 22-Jan-13 17:34:49

We just weren't compatable and I knew I wasn't in love with him and even wondered if I ever was

Then

I still love him and always will. We have been through a lot together and so my life wouldn't be miserable or anything

Are you sure you know what you want?

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