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Terrified of resuming sex!

(56 Posts)
abi2790 Sun 20-Jan-13 22:59:11

Hi everyone! As the title says I'm terrified of having sex for the first time after birth seven weeks ago. My partner has been giving hints for weeks and of course I've explained why I didn't want to and why I wasn't ready. Now it's different. I feel ready physically but I don't know if I'm there emotionally yet. How do I get past this? I feel if I listen to my brain then we will never do it! I'm terrified it will hurt, I'm breastfeeding so I don't want my boobies leaking and I feel ugly because of my really horrible stretch marks! Should I just do it and then it's over with and I have nothing to worry about? Arrrgghh confused face sad

abi2790 Mon 21-Jan-13 21:37:19

By hints I don't mean he constantly goes on about it and he respects the fact that I'm not quite ready. Because he wants to resume sex doesn't make him a sex pest! I wanted advice on how to deal with my own insecurities as well as how to explain to my partner why I'm not ready!

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 20:42:01

How dare you watch Corrie !

Have you no respect for the OP???!!!

wink

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 20:21:58

Woah look what I missed during Corrie! Those comments were mine actually, Roker, and I instigated the 'high five'. Feel free to report if it offends, same comment to the OP. I stand by my comments, we'll have to disagree on our understanding of the word pressure as well.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 21-Jan-13 20:15:37

OP - congratulations!

I sympathise. There is nothing more off putting than being "reminded" about sex by OH. It should come naturally, otherwise it is just another chore.

Now a chid is like a bombshell physically and emotionally. A nice one but still, it does change a lot. It is normal to feel confused. What you wrote made me wonder; has his life changed at all?

Its sounds like you are tired, baby focused, which is normal. What is he now doing that he was not doing before? Is he simply waiting horny on the sofa for your to finish BFing baby? Is he sleeping soundly while you have broken nights?

I find my DH much more attractive and sexy when I am rested and feel that he is working as hard as I am. have you spoken to him about this?

What you said about wanting intimacy first, kissing, talking, holding, before resuming sex is very pertinent too. Is he trying to take it on board?

Breast milk takes 90 minutes to digest they say, so he could take baby for a walk or drive, given the cold, while you sleep.

BFing is not a get out card for dads. For example as soon as DD1 use sleep, my DH would send me to bed, close the bedroom door so that I would sleep on and sing/rock baby when she woke as long as possible so that I could rest before the next feed.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:46:36

Do it your way, Roker, I'll do it mine. Despite your twisting of my words.

RokerFace Mon 21-Jan-13 19:37:19

AnyFucker - make all the connections you want, knock yourself out. I was merely pointing out that joking about a Top Ten list of shite men do on a thread where you are suggesting the OP is being bullied by her DP isn't on. Nothing disingenuous about that.

OP has spoken, but you didn't listened.

So, from the OP obviously being pressured and her being told that her DP is bordering on sex pest behaviour to you are now suddenly sure that the OP his ok with a small amount of light heartedness - contradiction much?

viagrafalls Mon 21-Jan-13 19:36:33

We still haven't DTD and DD is almost 18months. sad I don't know when I will feel 'ready', but OH has never dropped any kind of hint or suggested anything although of course I know he would love to. Soon hopefully! blush

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:21:06

Oh dear, Roker, does it make you feel uncomfortable to see two people make a connection that didn't include you ?

I am sure OP is ok with a small amount of lightheartedness on her thread. You said yourself she isn't being pressurised unduly so trying to make me feel guilty on a "sensitive" thread comes across as rather disingenuous.

Then again, OP could speak for herself. She has a voice.

RokerFace Mon 21-Jan-13 18:44:53

When you've finished high-fiving yourselves AnyFucker and Numberlock (bad form on a sensitive post in Relationships btw) maybe you can finish putting words in the OP's mouth.

OP has said he hasn't pressured her and doesn't feel pressured. All she said was he has been dropping hints for a few weeks not "in the delivery suite" or "or that her DH kept asking if she ready".

Lots of other posters have said to OP to take it slow, when she's ready, on her terms etc. so not quite sure why you have singled me out. Heaven forbid I try to reassure someone who is looking for reassurance and advice and who HASN'T suggested in the least that she's unhappy with her DP or feels pressured by him (she even said she doesn't!)

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:24:27

not push him into sex btw but he isn't the most talkative of people sometimes

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:15:34

actually I think it's ok for him to discuss it- my DH was tterrified of sex after a pregnancy bleed with DC1. I had to push the issue to get to the bottom of what was wrong.

However even I would tear DH a new one if he chased me around complaining about feeling horny - we had sex quite quickly because I felt ready - he wouldn't push me into anything.

BertieBotts Mon 21-Jan-13 17:40:16

I agree with Cailin.

OP 7 weeks is very early days, and if your partner is putting pressure on you (intentionally or not) this is even less likely to make you feel safe and loved - on the contrary pressure just makes you feel (in my experience) like sex is all they want from you! Yeah, that's a great way to get you in the mood! hmm

Why are you not kissing and cuddling, if you want to do this? Is it because you're worried that he will take it as an invitation to sex and then get upset/frustrated? (Perhaps even upset/frustrated at you, making you feel unreasonable?) Can you talk to him about this as it's important for you both that that intimacy remains - again without pressure - as it is the building blocks to get back to "normal" if that makes sense.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 17:31:27

Bollocks pale. After the first time of it being made clear it wasn't happening, that's his cue to drop it, not keep dropping 'hints'. It's borderline sex pest behaviour. Have a wank ffs.

bestsonever Mon 21-Jan-13 17:16:51

There seems to be a lot of mystery around childbirth even though it's the 21'st century. I remember wondering after it how come so much happened that I never knew existed, during and a long time after. It really is about time all taboo's around talking about stuff got blown away. Not only so women have a clue, but men also - how are they ever going to fathom what can be a shock to us to find out as we didn't know therse things either! It's a strange world at times.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Mon 21-Jan-13 16:36:03

Maybe its his hamfisted way of saying he still finds you attractive, despite your body insecurities?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 16:28:20

Not necessarily stupid but certainly entitled and selfish

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 15:43:27

It's more that some men see sex as their right, rather than something that both partners really enjoy, and they get annoyed when that "right" is taken away after a baby is born. They think women should just suck it up and get on with it, even if they don't want it. It's a disgusting attitude but one that a lot of women end up getting sucked into unfortunately. Thus the feeling of being "selfish" for not giving in, even when they really don't want sex. Women are constantly given the message that they owe their men sex, when they absolutely do not. Sex is a purely optional activity that you do because you want to and you enjoy it. It is NOT a duty.

I'm not saying your partner thinks that way Abi, but he's skirting dangerously close to it. He should realise that if you wanted sex you would have it, and that by pressuring you he is basically saying you need to do it just for his sake. The fact that he would have sex with you even if you're unwilling is pretty horrible really - why would he even enjoy that? Unless he sees sex as something he does to you rather than something you enjoy together.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:28:20

Are some men just so stupid that they don't realise that huge physical and psychological changes affect the vast majority of women for months after giving birth and that sex isn't a priority

Simple answer = yes.

BelaLugosisShed Mon 21-Jan-13 15:21:33

Are some men just so stupid that they don't realise that huge physical and psychological changes affect the vast majority of women for months after giving birth and that sex isn't a priority?
Why would a man even want sex with a woman who doesn't feel ready?
It all smacks of a man wanting to "reclaim his property" - there ought to be a guide to sex after childbirth for new fathers, it obviously doesn't get talked about much - basically
1. Do not hint, whine or sulk about lack of sex when you have a newborn.
2. Learn about the effects that birth and breastfeeding can have on a woman.

It's not difficult, don't be a selfish knob.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:14:58

Ha ha, I'm going to claim a prize when I get all 10!

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 15:07:54

Yougoddit, NL smile

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:03:05

AF - I'm guessing this is another item on your Top 10 of Shit Not To Take From Men. grin

I think we're piecing the list together bit by bit.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 14:48:21

Yes, he is pressuring you.

if my DH kept asking if I was ready and complaining about how "horny" he was my reply would be "and that is my problem, because...?"

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 13:49:18

But he is pressuring you, by dropping hints. You need to tell him that you'll let him know when you're ready and until then you'd rather he didn't mention it. 7 weeks is a very short time in the scale of things. There's absolutely no need to feel selfish - you're recovering from a massive life-changing event plus your hormones are all over the place, the way you feel is totally normal and understandable.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 13:47:47

What's wrong with wanking? How is him telling you how horny he is in any way helpful?

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