Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Honest opinions wanted - Am I too needy/demanding?(65 Posts)
Partner lives with me during the week and stays at his mother's house on a weekend due to the fact that he has his kids on a weekend and we're not yet at the stage where they are ready to sleep over at my house. Plus my house is tiny so it would be a bit claustrophobic for everyone involved if they did.
As he stays here throughout the week, I REALLY miss him on a weekend. As soon as he leaves on Saturday mornings I start to feel a little empty/lonely. I know I shouldn't, I managed fine as a single parent for years but having him here all week really makes me miss him on a weekend. I miss having someone to watch TV with, I miss having someone to share stupid youtube videos with and I miss him laying in bed next to me so badly.
Well, he left about 3pm this afternoon and I heard nothing from him all night after that. He used to text me throughout the weekend and now I barely hear from him once he leaves. He sent me a quick text at 10.30pm to say he'd won something on ebay that I wanted and that was it. I replied and have received nothing since. I won't hear from him much tomorrow either, maybe one text if I'm lucky.
I know he has his kids and of course he wants to spend quality time with them but it kind of upsets me that he can stay here all week and then more or less pretend I don't exist as soon as he leaves.
Be honest, am I being too demanding or needy??
Are you sure he is at his mum's?? Just curious as it seems odd to me that you live together during the week and he's still not ready for you to meet his children... would make me wonder if you were the ow and he told his family he was working away from home during the week?
Bit far fetched maybe but I'd be wondering.. especially as there's hardly any contact at the weekends and it is such a new relationship.
That's what I was thinking Fairy
"weekends are the time that you have more leisure time, and when couples go out, go for nights away, go to a late movie. "
That's the whole point. Currently the OP is his Mon-Fri 'office hours wife'... presumably mug enough to do household chores, cooking meals and so on while he's around. In return getting none of the usual benefits of being a relatively new girlfriend (just seven months together?) like being taken out for dinner, having Sunday mornings reading the newspapers in bed together or whatever. Then he has his 'weekend wife'... aka his mother... doing the same thing.
He must think women are a really soft touch.
Where does his mother live? I would feel like 'dropping in' one Saturday maybe, just to see what's happening there.
IMO if a couple lives together (albeit only week days) then they should share all aspects of their life .
Hang on, surely it's up to the DC and the parents as to when the children spend time with OP? Maybe there is a back story and the mom is very against the children spending time with the new woman? There may be a million reasons why including the children saying no. Barging in and trying to force your way in could make things really go tits up.
FWIW OP it does sound a bit much. At least it doesn't sound like you're sending a billion texts asking why he's not texting you. But as others have said perhaps its time to build a life outside of this relationship? How old is your DC?
Read this book - it will give you some tips.
I've met his mother (she's lovely, very open and down to earth) and been in her house. I've seen his room there, 3 single beds for him and his two kids. I've never met the kids.
This is a source of tension between us to be honest because when he met mine I was under the impression I'd be meeting his at some point too - well that was 3 months ago. Everytime I bring it up he says "I'm not sure if they're ready, I don't want to upset them/mess them up" etc. In a more recent conversation he said he's definitely wanting me to meet his kids - hopefully by the end of the year (!!!!) Jesus wept - it's only January!
Anyway, I got a text off him this morning saying good morning with a few kisses. I've not replied yet. Trying to think of somewhere I could take the kids (whilst leaving the bloody phone at home!)
But yeah it is starting to bug me that we can never see each other on a weekend. Weekends are the most important time for a couple arnt they! I get to see him when he's tired and grumpy after work and just wants to veg in front of the telly/fall asleep
SpringDiva, looking at that book now - I'm tempted! can you give me a brief overview?
I agree with the other posters, you do sound a bit needy. Does he contribute financially?
I think he just sounds all wrong for you. Too much baggage. Great that he wants to be a good Dad every weekend but, when you're in a relationship, you have to give some TLC to your girlfriend or expect to find yourself out on your ear. Great that he doesn't want to mess up his DCs but he must realise a girlfriend can't tolerate being abandoned every weekend for the next 12 months .... unless he's really thick, that is. Does he really think it's an attractive trait in a new boyfriend to be knackered and slumped in front of the TV? Does he think that makes for a wowee romantic evening?
That's what I'd be telling him in your shoes. "I demand more attention or it's over".... don't think that's needy in the slightest.
I've had a good think about things and I feel the dynamics of the relationship are all wrong. I give him everything he wants and needs. He gets my full attention throughout the week, I let him live here with my kids, he gets invited to everything me and my kids do - I feel like I've committed 100% to him and what do I get in return?
I'm thinking a conversation about cooling things off is in order. I don't want to split up but if he's not ready for me to meet his kids/spend time with me on a weekend then perhaps the relationship is not really at the "living together throughout the week" stage either.
He can't have it all his own way.
It sounds like you're making a good decision , just make sure you follow it through . Is it not a bit strange that he has his kids every weekend , does their mother never want them at a weekend ? If I were her I'd be equally peed off that I get all the school / daily crap and he gets the fun part.
He doesn't want to mess with/upset his kids by letting them meet you - but seems perfectly happy to mess with/upset your kids by moving in during the week??
Also, just how quickly did you let this knob get his feet under the table? It sounds, as someone else said, as though what he was really after was a 'woman' to cook his meals and do his laundry during the week, because he's got his mother to do that at the weekend (I bet he dumps the DC on his mum and goes to the pub on a Saturday night).
Really: bin and move on, and remember that it's fine to be single. A couple-relationship is an optional extra in a woman's life, and it's only worth giving up the pleasures and freedoms of singlehood for a man who is totally wonderful to you.
That's a great point made by Gin.
It seems he has double standards. I suppose it does depend on the age of the dc but he's quite happy to be a part of your kids lives five days a week but you can't be involved in his dc, so unless his dc are so much younger than yours what kind of message is he giving to you! He's ok being a part of your kids lives but not vice versa, pretty hypocritical really.
And yes perhaps it would be best to cool things off.
Perhaps he should move back with his mother and you return to the dating stage. Maybe it's all moved a bit to fast.
I have the feeling I've heard this before...Whether that's the case or not, it's certainly time for you to call the shots a bit more, even if it pains you to do that.
I think he's giving you a very clear, but heartless message, which boils down to - I like your company, on my own terms: and if I feel differently on different days, that's for you to adjust to.
You don't want to be treated like that, do you? Mr blow hot and cold won't change. Ever.
Word to the wise... try to find some friends you can confide in. You need good support, because this man is making you needy, or making it worse!
In the light of the additional information you've supplied, I've revised my opinion and don't find you at all needy.
This relationship is one way in his favour and I suggest you follow through on your intention to redress the balance when he returns to your home tomorrow evening.
I hope you'll be able to resolve matters to your satisfaction and that you'll come back with an update after you've had 'the talk' with him
OP you don't sound needy at all but i think this man isn't right for you. He sounds like someone i 'dated' and everything was on his terms. If he has met your children but you not met his then i don't think thats a good sign. 7 months in you should be meeting his friends and his family.
I used to feel empty and lonely with this last man and it was because my needs were not met and never told me when he would be seeing me next. Listen to how he phrases things to and if he says things like 'maybe', 'hope' or no definite answers then comes across likes he is not that into you and using you as a skivvy sorry to say.
Don't stay in this relationship because your lonely and think this is all on offer. Its better being single trust me without all this emotional turmoil!!!
Good luck :-)
I think your last post was absolutely right. He's a full part of your life and you're not even allowed to meet his children.
Does he contribute to the rent? If not, why not? What about food and bills? He's with you for 5/7ths of the week - can you tell us what he contributes, percentage wise?
My Dp and I have lived together for over a year and I still feel a pang when he goes off to work nights, so I can understand that you feel a little bereft, but what would you want him to do?
You say that your home isn't big enough for everyone to stay there, and presumably you aren't expecting him to cut down seeing his children. You say that the texting while he is with his children has cut back but that is to be expected after 7 months of living together, and he did send you a 'good morning' text today woth kisses. It seems that the only real fly in the ointment is that you want the relationship to move forward and to meet his children and he doesn't think they are ready yet: this could be for a variety of reasons and might not have anything to do with your relationship at all. I think you need to stop worrying and actually ask him. How far away do his mother/his children live? Is this purely a logisitical thing and he just hasn't realised this means as much to you?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.