Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

'D' H assulted me half an hour ago and I've just given a statement.

(89 Posts)
shadesofwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 21:05:24

He boxed my head and nearly broke my arm. I was terribly shakint and called the police, they showed up in no time and he did a runner before they got here. They are searching for him and I'm home with DD trying to take my mind off what just happened. Sorry I can explain what led tpo this nasty incident now but I just needed a hand holding. Part of me feels guilty coz the ss will get involved and absolutely scared of what will happen next.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jan-13 16:37:20

How are you doing OP?

sweetestB Mon 21-Jan-13 09:53:31

Hi OP, just want to send a hug and wish you strength. I don't want to hijack your thread but I would like to ask the lovely ladies here: if OP decides to go to a refugee will her child be going to the same school or to a school near the refugee? and will OP's permanent accommodation be chosen with her child's current school in mind?

Madlizzy Mon 21-Jan-13 00:15:27

Well done you. You've been immensely brave reporting him. Now take the time you need to sort your head out, cos it must be in pieces. Yo xxxu're extremely brave

cestlavielife Sun 20-Jan-13 23:54:49

Most London boroughs have borough specific services like Camden safety net ask your police officer.

camden.gov.uk/ccm/content/policing-and-public-safety/domestic-violence/camden-safety-net.en

As was said above be on look out for apologies and persuasion on his part to g back... Don't.

mathanxiety Sun 20-Jan-13 22:24:11

Hang in there and just keep on putting one foot in front of the other even though you are shaking.

Thinking of you and your DD.
xxx

popsgran Sun 20-Jan-13 20:01:34

so sorry for your physical and mental pain.You did the right thing.Nobody should be abused.protect yourself and your child.Be kind to yourself.The shock takes time to go.dont dwell on negative thoughts.you are a beautiful person who deserves to be cherished and loved.all blessings for the future.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Jan-13 19:51:38

Reading and sending my very best wishes to you and your daughter x

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 19:40:24

Refuges are wonderful places these days, and far, far better than a soul-less B&B. Better too than a 'family home' which is in the area where you have little rl support and is the area where your abuser is.

Izzy is 100% right in her description of refuges, and also in her suggestiong that this may well prove to be the best solution for you and your dd.

Think about it carefully. You would be safe, supported, helped, and dd would have playmates. Above all, you would be free from the worry of whether your ex might turn up.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 17:58:19

Was it one of olgaga's posts, Pilgit?

As you're already feeling overwhelmed and in danger of suffering from information overload, I don't believe it will be to your benefit to trawl through lots of additional data, much of which will not be relevant to your situation, at the present time.

From what you have said about your individual circumstances, it seems to me that you are best advised to seek accomodation for yourself and your dd in a women's refuge.

As I've said, making contact with your borough's police Domestic Violence Unit is, effectively, a shortcut to Women's Aid and other agencies that offer practical help, support and advice, to victims of dv such as yourself.

Alternatively, you can call the WA Helpline 24/7 or use the WA site to locate your nearest branch and make contact tomorrow during usual office hours.

Please don't be fearful at the prospect of staying in a women's refuge as they are far from being scary places; they're warm and welcoming and you will be given all the help you need to claim whatever benefits you are entitled to, legal advice from a solicitor who has experience in dv/family law, and support in finding a permanent secure home for yourself and dd - you won't be restricted to applying for council/social housing in the borough you are currently residing in and will be free to choose where you wish to settle with dd.

The advantage to you of staying in a refuge is that all the resources you need will be available on site - no trekking around council offices, CABs, solicitors etc, on public transport in the winter months - and, in the unlikely event he's able to track you down, he won't be able to breach refuge security.

You'll have your own secure sleeping accomodation and the use of communal areas where you'll inevitably become friends with other residents. Your dd will also be well catered for in terms of the playspace, toys, and facilities available for dc.

Many of the refuges I've visited have been positively luxurious - think small-to-middling size stately homes with long drives, pleasant grounds, etc - and all have been spotlessly clean with staff on hand to have a yarn with. I can think of a few I wouldn't mind checking into for a few days if only to save on heating bills smile

If you are married you may have some entitlement to remain in 'the marital home' despite not being named on the tenancy agreement but, all things considered, IMO you are best advised to seek refuge accomodation through the police or WA as it can be challenging in the extreme to have to deal with jumping through the flaming hoops of bureaucracy without support from friends/family at a time when you need all the help you can get to proccess the enormity of what he's done to you and the consequent situation you've found yourself in.

I strongly urge to take action asap as refuges are currently full to bursting and it may take a few days or longer before a place becomes available for you. This place may be many miles away but, as it appears you have no particular ties to the area you're living in, I doubt this will be an issue for you.

If he should come back and attempt to gain entry don't hesitate to call 999 and, when the police arrive, ask them to make a referral to their DV Unit so that you and dd can be taken to a place of safety, albeit this may be temporary until refuge accomodation becomes avalable for you.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 17:55:30

Well done - you WILL be fine and so will your child.

Like Jux says - baby steps - til you get where you are going

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 17:28:20

Shades, I take my hat off to you. You are so strong, and so right too. Now is when the abuse stops once and for all. We are here for you.

Small steps lead to your goal; don't rush it, choose your own pace.

Keep calm, drink tea, eat biscuits. wink

Deep breaths and small steps.

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 17:16:01

Thank you all sooo much. Been reading your replies again and again to keep me strong and calm for DD. Will update once I speak to the police later. H hasn't tried to contact me so I'm kinda nervous about his whereabouts. The house is secure and there is no way he can get in. This r'ship has been on and off hoping he'll change and this is the closure for me and my DD. I will nEver ever come back again. I nearly lost my life yesterday and who know what he'd have done had I not called the police? Its going to be a tough and painful road for us but I'm looking at a better future. Been abused all my life since my mother passed on and I can't allow it anymore. Thanks for the immense support.

Hissy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:11

You have some brilliant advice on here, we'll see you right.

try to stay calm, you are doing the right thing and it's all on record. be strong, push hard for conviction, and protect yourself.

you will need to get out of there. Please call the dV team to get yourself to a B&B or a refuge.

TheAllNewMe Sun 20-Jan-13 16:39:36

I know that what you are going through is very difficult, but you have already done the hardest thing. You are certainly not weak.

What you did, in ringing the police is probably the single most important thing you will ever do for your daughter. In one brave action you have prevented her from growing up in an abusive atmosphere and shown her that women do not have to accept abuse from men, ever. That is a very big thing you are doing for yourself but even more importantly, for her. You have probably changed the course of her life, for the better, in that moment.

Please remember this and be strong. He will no doubt come crawling back with empty promises to behave like a decent human being in future. He may even believe this himself. But he won't, he can't. That is how he is made. You would always be waiting for the next time, and the next time always comes.

Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mother. Take all the help that you can find, for both of you. His lawyers can do fuck all against the photographs of your bruises and the record of police and ambulance coming to your house.

Pilgit Sun 20-Jan-13 16:03:11

someone on another thread did a long post of really useful advice - lurker so can't pin it down but am sure some of the others here will know where it is. Good luck and lots of best wishes.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe Sun 20-Jan-13 15:14:02

Shades I am so sorry this has happened to you. What area of N London are you in ? I am in Barnet.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 15:06:11

It's OK. The main priority is a roof over your heads, anything else can wait. I just gave you the link for Legal Aid, so you know that there is help out there, but you don't need to be worrying about anything now, other than finding somewhere to live.

Like Izzy says, have a cup of tea, calm down and take it from there.

One step at a time

ErikNorseman Sun 20-Jan-13 15:05:09

Have you called women's aid? They may be able to unpick all the benefits/housing rights stuff.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 15:01:12

Forget Shelter. Call 101 and ask to talk to any police officer who works in the Domestic Violence Unit.

Don't stress - have a cup of tea and calm down and we can work out the best course of action for you.

How old is your dd?

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 14:55:15

oh God im trying to read through the websites and i cant take in anything. I want to be ready for tomorrow ie to be aware of my rights and what help is out there for me and DD. i just cant take in anything sad sad . Im such a wreck and weak. Shelter lines are busy but i'll keep trying to ring them.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 14:35:43

If it's any consolation to you, kelly, I have known many instances - and many have been reported on this board - of the police failing to arrest for breaches of non-molestation Orders where power of arrest has been granted by the Courts.

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:28

Also if you are made homeless the council will have to rehouse you in a council house...u may have to stay in b&b for a small time xx

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 14:23:30

I had a solicitor but not a good one :/... Ive learnt from my mistakes as not having the power of arreat cost me dearly x

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 14:23:17

I'm sorry to tell you that as your name is not on the tenancy agreement of your privately rented accomodation, you have no right in law to occupy the premises.

In the absence of any restriction(s) imposed on him by way of bail conditions, he s free to return to the property at any time and he can lawfully ask the police to remove you and your dd.

Under the circumstances, I would suggest you make contact with the police Domestic Violence Unit (which is a quick route to all of the services provided by the women's refuge movement including emergency accomodation) or call Women's Aid as a matter of urgency.

Try not to worry about events that may never happen because if they happen you'll deal with them at the time.

I'm snowed in and going nowhere this afternoon so let's take a look at your options, try to allay some of your fears, and work out the best plan of action for you.

Are you married to him? Is he the father of your dd and is he named on her birth certificate?

struwelpeter Sun 20-Jan-13 14:21:51

Brave, brave woman.
If you can, call Women's Aid today asap. They are open 24/7 but can be hard to get through to. I think you can leave a message and ask them to call you back. If you begin that conversation today and they will have access to advice for you specific to your area then you will have got the ball rolling for tomorrow when other agencies/offices are open.
Also if DD is under 5, then put a call into health visitor and see what they can do to support or playgroup worker, old antenatal teacher - it's ok they will all have had training or at least some theoretical knowledge in dealing with DV. And lean on SS, they will be so supportive of you doing exactly the right thing and asking for their help.
Not in London, but if you can give an indication of where you are roughly then fingers xxed there will be a MNer around who can give you support or can PM you so not public.
Keep warm, cosy up with DD and don't try to do too much today. Films in front of the telly and chocolate or whatever you two like doing together.
This is the first day of the rest of your life without violence.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now