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How to dump someone after first time sex (with them)?

(41 Posts)
abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 18:24:28

I had a handful of dates with a man I met shortly before Christmas. Things were going really well and I was quite into him, until we had sex. Two things were problems;

Firstly, he had some quite odd "habits" in the bedroom - for example when he went down on me he kind of blew raspberries making farting noises with his lips that really wasn't erotic at all (this probably didn't need to be pointed out!). There was more but I think this serves as an illustration!

Secondly though when he went to (ahem) "put it in", he didn't have a condom on, which took me by surprise and freaked me out a bit. We had had very little in the way of foreplay at that point (he was quite small so I get he might want less foreplay) so I wasn't really expecting sex to start at that point. I had to call a halt to proceedings to ask if he had a condom. He said he didn't, did I have one, and I said no (stupid me - I usually have one but had been in a rush to get out the door and forgot - thought he'd have one though as he had suggested me staying the night and he knew sex would be on the cards). He then tried again without it and again I had to say "no", and again he stopped. He then went to "double check" his wallet and low and behold, found a condom. We had sex and he was actually technically quite good - it wasn't awful sex but I was a bit unsure about what had happened before. It is unusual for me - I am 31, have slept with about 20 men over the years and haven't met any who have ever suggested not using a condom (until well into a relationship). And you'd expect to discuss it. Surely this is pretty high risk behaviour - I'm not on the pill or anything and he doesn't know anything about me.

He is in touch about organising another date but I'm thinking I don't really want one. I don't know what to say to him though and what tone to take. Should I bring up the condom thing? Should I just say this concerned me? Or should I just say something vague like I might be getting back with an ex?

I don't want him to think it is because he is "small" - if someone "dumped" me after first time sex when things were looking good before hand it would ramp up any insecurities I had (it's not necessarily an insecurity for him but I'm aware it might be - I hate making people feel bad).

Aside from the sex thin he has been rather lovely to me. Help please!

akaemmafrost Wed 02-Jan-13 18:44:42

I would tell him straight up why. He'll never learn if someone doesn't tell him.

I was dumped by text earlier this year. I texted back "no problem but finishing by text was a bit spineless don't you think?" Apparently he was ranting to anyone who would listen that I'd been "awful" to him for saying that shock. A mutual friend said "well he'll never learn what's acceptable if he's not told". I agree with this. Do the next woman he encounters a favour.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:45:12

Yes I suppose it would have been better to ascertain that before getting started. I guess I meant it's not always crucial to have the "will you be bringing condoms" conversation beforehand if you always keep them yourself and just assume you'll be using one.

Mu1berryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 18:45:24

I think it is culturally expected that a condom is the man's job. I may be shouted at here. But when I was seeing a man recently I never bought them. I kknew he would, and he did. All very well to say that she should share 50% of the blame but tbh by the time you get to 'down and dirty' he should HAVE a condom. Women carry the can for everything else, ykwim? Can we not delegate condoms to men?

abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 18:46:45

To answer some questions, a woman is usually a bit tighter pre-foreplay, as you get more relaxed you get less so, so for smaller men they sometimes prefer less (for the woman anyway!) so they get more sensation. To be fair it's the same for all men but the bigger a guy the less of an issue I suppose it is.

I've never actually had to discuss condoms before. I always just thought that it was totally obvious to use one when sleeping with someone new whose sexual history you know nothing about. This is the first man I've been with who didn't want to use one.

Mu1berryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 18:46:57

akaemmafrost, there is that yeah, if I could be bothered, in the OP's shoes I'd be pissed off that he'd twice tried to have unprotected sex - despite having a condom in his wallet!!! That's kind of lazy and disrespectful to the op

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:48:01

InceNoSlice, I allowed myself a fnar to that as well, imagining him sticking it into post boxes, toilet roll tubes, knot holes, etc.. <immature>

GiveMeSomeSpace Wed 02-Jan-13 18:51:16

Not sure if a man's view helps here OP but I agree totally with Onezerozero - tell him the lack of condom thing (and persistence) made you uncomfortable.

To make an massive understatement, it's really not good form

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:54:12

Tbh,, I would never "delegate" my sexual health to a bloke I barely know

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:56:21

Op, if he managed to get the tip of his penis anywhere near you (and it sounds like he did) I would recommend a trip to the clap clinic, tbh

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 19:06:23

Am I the only one who would have leapt up like a scalded cat gone 'wtactuatf' shock on feeling raspberries being blown on my fanjo and hearing farting noises coming from the general direction of my lady garden? hmm

AmandaPayne Wed 02-Jan-13 19:07:19

Tell him why you are dumping him. He has behaved appallingly. If you just say 'it didn't work out' then he can go round blaming his penis size, or whatever else, or saying you were a total cow. If you tell him, he at least will know that it was his own fault.

As for the foreplay. All I can say is it sounds like some of your ex-partners with small penises were total tools. Surely any decent lover wants their partner as 'ready to go' as possible, not keep them tense for a (ewwww) tighter fit.

abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 19:14:54

Thanks everyone - situation dealt with. I have sent him an email saying the condom thing was an issue (but acknowledging that I should maybe have checked he had one before commencing proceedings given I didn't have one myself). I also said I'd just come out of a LTR just before meeting him and that I think I need a bit of a break from anything serious but that I enjoyed his company on our dates and that I hoped he'd enjoyed Christmas and New Year. This is true by the way -met him 3 weeks after break with ex, and was intending a month or two "off" before I met him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 19:16:45

Fair enough. I would be interested to know his reply.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 02-Jan-13 19:19:13

Job done OP. Just delete.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 19:20:08

So you've opted to leave the door open? For which one?

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:23

Do go for a check-up. If this is his normal, then he's not exactly sexual health conscious.

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