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Relationships

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Original poster

Is my boyfriend trying to move in with me or am I reading too much into it?

22 replies

CapellaMa · 26/12/2012 18:55

Over the past couple of months he's gone from spending 1/2 nights a week at my house to now spending around 4 nights a weeks here, sometimes 5. He's started leaving loads of stuff here, jeans, t-shirts, shoes, jackets, his wash bag and shaving gear and has asked if he can have a bit of space in the wardrobe and a drawer in my bedroom.

He spend Christmas here (I invited him) and the presents he was bought by his family he's decided to leave here. These include a bird feeding station thing for the garden, some cooking things, aftershave and alcohol.

He joked yesterday that if I got rid of some of my crap (we were joking about me hoarding stuff) we'd have more room for his stuff.

He bought some new underwear a few days ago to leave here.

He mentioned a while ago that he's like us to trial living together by him moving in here for a while - that way there is no big commitment and not much to lose if everything goes wrong (he's currently living with his mother after having to sell his house following divorce). But he said this a while ago and it's not been mentioned since.

He stayed here Christmas eve and Christmas day. He has his kids tonight so went back to his mums tonight but is coming back here tomorrow night and also staying Friday night. He's also spending NYE and NYD with me, staying those nights too.

Is he basically moving in?? We've been together just over 5 months.

OP posts:

Redstockingswillstopsanta · 26/12/2012 18:59

Yes,if you are not happy about it tell him.I believe the expression used on MN is "cocklodger"

StrawberryMojito · 26/12/2012 19:01

Yes he probably is. You have to decide how you feel about it and address it promptly if you are not happy about it.

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 19:03

Yep, he's moving in - by stealth. How do you feel about the fact that you're going to be 'on trial' while he's got his feet under your table without having made any knd of commitment to you?

Before he moves more of his stuff into your home I suggest you have a conversation about where your relatonship is going and what your expectations will be re sharing the household expenses and chores.

scaevola · 26/12/2012 19:03

I think you need to revisit the 'trial living together' conversation, and add the 'actually contributing to the bills' bit.

Original poster

CapellaMa · 26/12/2012 19:03

No I am happy with it, my only problem with it is that it seems a bit "when it suits" at the moment. Suppose I'm an all or nothing type of person - either commit to it or stop it so to speak.

But I suppose what he's doing is sensible. Gradually increasing the time he spends here and his presence in the house. I'm just a little obsessive about routine and planning - it kinda bugs me not knowing what's going on.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2012 19:05

Well it's your house, you can decide what's going on, if anything, in it.

I'd be bristling at the suggestion I should get rid of my stuff so there's room for his stuff, but then, I'm a prickly sort of person.

Original poster

CapellaMa · 26/12/2012 19:06

And yes, the finances need to be addressed. I'm a little concerned that the reason he isn't fully committing is because he knows full well that's when the finances will be brought into question.

He earns a lot more than I do (I'm on around 19k, he's on 32k) and I know he's wanting to save up a massive deposit for a house - a house he has suggested we could move into together if things work out. He's also taking me to Italy in a couple of months, all paid for by him so it's not like he never puts his hands in his pockets

OP posts:

MrsJourns · 26/12/2012 19:07

He could be waiting for an invite to move in, it's your place after all. As others have said you need to talk with him about it and work out how he will contribute financially.

NatashaBee · 26/12/2012 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youngermother1 · 26/12/2012 19:18

Why not talk to him instead of us? He might know the answer!

coppertop · 26/12/2012 19:19

So he's essentially moving in without your express permission, not contributing financially (other than a holiday that hasn't yet happened), and is planning to save his own money for a new house with a vague hint that you might be able to live there too if 'things work out'?

Be very careful here.

aPirateInaPearTree · 26/12/2012 19:22

just talk to him about it?

christmaswhine · 26/12/2012 19:34

Hmm

This is YOU isn't it?

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 19:41

What a great plan. You make your home and body available to him while he saves for a home of his own which, lucky gal, you may be abe to move into if you don't fail his trial.

So, if you make his grade, there'll be something of a role reversal in that he'll expect you to move into his solely owned home where he can kick you out at a minute's notice in much the same way as you're able to do with him while he's living in your home.

If you're hoping for a long-term relationship with him, and if the proposed vacation in Italy is a trial to see how you'd measure up on a honeymoon with a view to him offering marriage/joint ownership of his proposed new home, it might be worth going along with his plan but, in the absence of a legally binding commitment from him, you'd be insane to give up your home to go live in his house.

suburbophobe · 26/12/2012 19:53

^So he's essentially moving in without your express permission, not contributing financially (other than a holiday that hasn't yet happened), and is planning to save his own money for a new house with a vague hint that you might be able to live there too if 'things work out'?

Be very careful here.^

I'm with coppertop on this.

Sounds like he's keeping you sweet with talk of a holiday (have you seen and got a copy of the booking?) while taking over your life by stealth.

Of course he's fed up of living at mummy's. He sees you as a convenient half-way house. Till something better comes along.

Are you accepting of all this without even having had the "basic talk"? What is his contribution to the household finances?

Why are you letting him take over your life like this?

dequoisagitil · 26/12/2012 19:56

He's already moved in, he just hasn't said so.

Catchingmockingbirds · 01/01/2013 14:29

Are you sure you haven't accidentally cosmically ordered him to move in?

HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 15:01

Makes sense to trial living together somewhere rented before making a joint purchase.

However as others have said - get the finances out on the table first. Make a spreadsheet of your expenditure - that will include the down right banal such as house insurance, TV lic - and dont forget to tell the council as you will lose your 25% reduced rate.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/01/2013 19:12

I thought that you were trying to get him to propose?

HecatePropolos · 01/01/2013 19:15

Oh yes. Did he propose last night then?

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 22:32

I very much doubt that the OP remembered to cosmically order a spreadsheet, Holly. O well, fingers crossed she put a ring on her shopping list.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 01/01/2013 22:53

Trialling living together when neither of you have anything practical to lose (assuming his mum would take him back) might be a good idea, provided you see things going in that direction. However, it needs to be on a trial basis from both sides - you need the option of getting him out again if he ends up being a permanent guest rather than a partner. You'd also need to sort out - at least in your own mind and preferably in discussion with him - what the fallout would be if living together didn't work out. As in, whether it would be the end of your relationship or whether you could revert to being a couple who live seperately. My first experience of cohabiting involved both of us moving to a strange place a long way from either of our previous homes, where initially we had no real friends apart from each other - I blame that for a lot of the teething problems we had, as we were in each other's faces all the time. Not sure whether you situation would make things easier or harder.

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