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anyone like to hve a discuss without having a total go at me, in a situation that is not easy.

(90 Posts)
littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:20:52

Ok have namechanged.

I had an emotional affair with a married man, which last a few months. I told him to go back to relying on his wife not me. A year passed. We bumped into each other again, and the texts started. We met up for coffee, he said he couldn't not be with me, wanted to give us a chance. I KNOW from that second I should have said then leave her first. Both of us going thru some very hard times, me with my children, him with his. Think illness and money probs.

His wife knew he had got involved with me inappropriately, but they didn't discuss it, swept it away and in that year their life carried on the same. He said, when we met up again, nothing had changed, they had grown apart and that it weren't for the kids he would not be with her. She knows now that he 'saw' me for a while, he told her, and she said that she wanted to stay together for the kids. HIs whole family have said the same.

Ok bring it up to date. I have trawled the net, looking for info on EA, on reasons they happen. Looked religiously on here for any help, but i have never found anyone or anywhere to discuss what happened to me. I know i am risking a total bollocking now, for giving in to the advances of him. But i did, and it's left me in a bad place. The upshot is i have called it a day, as despite his promises to me, that he felt very clear that his marriage is over. Now they know, (the children)that mum and dad are thinking about splitting, he says he cannot bare to leave them. Says he loves me but can't follow his heart over loyalty to his children.

This is another bit. I totally get this. If i fell in love with someone but I had to choose between that person, and leaving my children to the care of their father, and not see them every day. Well I couldn't.

My mother left my dad, and that near killed her, but the one thing she had for certain was knowing she had her babies with her.

He has said, he loves me, and doesn't love his wife anymore, and that she feels she would prefer to carry on as before for the kids too. He had told her he was leaving, they discussed that they had not been happy for along time, and she agreed that very soon the kids will leave home and their relationship was not close anymore.

So, hard as this was to write, and it prob even comes across cold in places, but it's all i can do right now because i have been properly hurt, despite trying to end it or call it for weeks. What do you think about the man being very close to his children and not being able to physically leave them. Or do you think, if things were that bad he would do it anyway? I believe there is probably something worth saving for them. Well i did more so a year ago when i told him to go and talk to her not me. They have history, and children so I guess that can be enough to have a comfortable future.
I am all over the shop with this, and i can normally write more clearly, but would like some views, or even better some experiences personal or other wise of when a marriage comes to an end, but it's the man who is most unhappy but stays. tia

herhonesty Thu 13-Dec-12 18:36:12

erm you did, however, willingly having an emotional affair with a married man. he's a shit, but you are a bit of sh*t for playing your part too. and it always takes 2 to tango so i really dont believe you've done your far bit of reeling in too.

you say "I feel i trusted someone who has basically let me down" - he was a married man looking to have an affair for gods sake! the alarm bells should have been ringing at the very start. you were either a little naive (which we can all be inthe throw of things) or perhaps you actually liked the thought of wrecking somoene else's marriage. You do seem to be obsessing about it. But at the end of day, you have nobody and nothing. Walk away, there will be someone much, much better for you.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 12:08:47

i do believe he (mm) lives in a bubble/fantasy land and has used these feelings to get away from his reality. I hoped it was going to be, in the end me and him.

wrong.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 12:06:03

oh no, not at all. this man came into my life two yrs ago, and helped me out professionally. It then grew to talking, hence the EA.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 12:04:44

yes i am single and have been since my ex dh left 8 yrs ago.

He never spoke to me about wanting to leave till he did it. So like the wife i was in the dark.

My guilt has been on behalf of my exdh and the way he has treated our children since. I have tried to make up for that, and put up with alot of verbal abuse and inconsistent behaviour from him to try and make him not take it out on them. He has, in turn guilt tripped me for his actions. i told him when he left, that i couldn't understand why he was going, but he said it was him not me.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 12:04:10

So, OP, did you split up with your husband because of this man?

I think it is this man who should be feeling guilty!! You are recently separated (because of this man) and he is still with his wife.

You are more honest and he finds it easy to 'draw support' from several quarters.

I think you should cut the cord totally and try and forget about him/this.... Don't try to empathise with his wife. It's over now. YOu know what pain and betrayal feel like. COncentrate on yourself and getting over it. His wife is on his conscience, or should be, but I doubt she is somehow.

WayneDeer Thu 13-Dec-12 11:50:52

I had an Internet diversion on another medium.
It remained words on a screen.
I am/was married. He is married.
My h was in the midst of another dalliance, someone randomly reached out to me and it went on from there.

I was diverted from how horrible it was in my house but not focussing on what the impact would be in someone else's house.
What started as a man being sweet/funny and it was flattering..very soon became far too hot and heavy from his part. Pestering to meet. Speak on the phone. webcam etc.

I wasn't ready for that or up for it. i resisted, he pushed and pushed and then he moved on in a huge strop.
I missed having someone to instant message but it was all wrong.
I missed the attention but it wasn't positive attention.
It did give me the confidence to move forward and do the right things in my life.

I think ultimately you'll find the same thing I did OP. no good can come from a relationship started in this way IMO/E
I am so embarrassed that I did it.

badinage Thu 13-Dec-12 11:44:24

I'm wondering whether you still blame yourself in some way for your husband walking out?

That would explain why you're attributing blame towards his wife for his affair with you.

You are both victims of moral cowards though. Neither of you deserved to be treated so shoddily and nothing either of you did caused that horrible treatment. Neither of you were given a chance to work on any problems and instead your partners sabotaged their marriages unilaterally.

I think you need to identify with his wife more and that might help you let go of any guilt about your marriage. Of course that might increase your guilt about this affair but I think then at least you'll attribute responsibility where it's due.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 11:33:48

it's tough though........ are you single? for a married man to lean on you, reel you in (I know you're an autonomous adult but still), the way society is, he goes back to his wife and you get judged. That's society. It happens on mumsnet and in real life. You're left alone trying to figure it all out, lonely without him. Whatever he feels he's back under the family roof with his wife and kids to fill up the silences...

Absolutely agree he comes first. Not his wife, not his kids, not you. he comes first

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 11:29:21

totally was there too much, with the 'i hold my hands up' feeling that something was going to happen for us. he promised it too. I sent him away that first time saying, speak to your wife, not me.

I stupidly let him back into my life. I gave it a chance, and I realised it wasn't enough. Or right. or all those things. I didn't listen to my gut. I swept it away. true. You are right, it doesn't matter what he, she said. what it was how it is. I should have been more in control of my emotions and actions, and stuck to it.

badinage Thu 13-Dec-12 11:25:01

I think what ever the problems are in a marriage, an affair isn't the answer. I certainly don't think his wife deserved to be cheated on.

The thing is, no-one knows what goes on in a marriage apart from the people in it. What I do know is that married men have a tendency to exaggerate problems and faults to lessen their own guilt and make other women feel sorry for them.

I think you'd be better off acknowledging that for this bloke, he comes first - not his wife, not you - and certainly not his children.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 11:18:19

What you describe is the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me' knicker-loosener. He's spinning you a sob story, that's all. Walk away.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 11:14:25

I think he's had the support of leaning on you all this time and you've got nothing back except guilt and confusion.

It is like comfort eating perhaps, or getting drunk. Talking to him makes you feel better for a little while but in the long run makes you feel worse about yourself so cut him out.

who cares what he said to his wife or what his wife said or thought! you have to look out for yourself and he's making you feel worse about yourself.

I think people stay in dead marriages ALL THE TIME. Out of fear of being judged, laziness, lack of optimism that life five years from now would be any easier/better if they split, financial reasons, for the kids......... but staying "for the kids" is the most acceptable reason to stay in a dead marriage so people pin it alllllll on that.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 11:14:22

i have similar with my dad. my mother treated me and and my brothers appallingly when she got with her affair partner. very selfish for years. Much better now. my father, when she left him sort left us too. has no involvement with my kids.

so, nothing is set in stone, in how we deal with things. we have all our failings.
I understand totally my 'bloke' belief that for him the children come first.

arequipa Thu 13-Dec-12 11:07:56

From the kids point of view: my mum and dad split when I was 10, both to new partners. Mum's NP disappeared after a month as he couldnt bear to leave his DCs. It broke her heart for a while but she had us, her DCs which she was the most important thng for her. I love her so much. My dad stuck with his NP because he put his love for her before me and my sister. I will always have an iclcle in my heart for him (beneath a dutiful smile). He has something missing from his life (no matter how many lovely holidays they have been on...)

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 10:51:39

her behaviour in the marriage too. her responsibility in 'their' relationship before i ever knew him. Her problems. As much as i don't know, nor do you. Not really.

is everything totally black and white in a marriage? mine wasn't. I don't just mean being horrible to their daughter, you are assuming i mean that only. Maybe he has tried to stay there for the daughter to work through all thier issues. It's not an excuse from me for his behaviour in his marriage at all. It's their marriage, they created it. I have said i should not have gone there. He may well be a total shit, who was awful to live with. I don't know.

badinage Thu 13-Dec-12 10:38:57

His wife has been a shit because of her behaviour? What behaviour? If you mean these accusations of abuse towards her daughter, if he felt that strongly about it he would have removed his daughter from the situation. If you haven't seen this behaviour yourself, don't trust what he's saying. He is a liar after all.

He isn't staying for the kids. He's staying for him. I really think you've got to stop believing he's making some grand sacrifice here. He isn't. He's exactly where he wants to be.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 10:29:12

What i mean is. Sometimes you trust something and it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I see friends happy with second husbands, some not. Some men leave the family and don't care about the kids (like mine) they just do what they want to do. Is that right? Or do some men stay for the kids. Is that right? My uncle stayed for the kids, and his wife has belittled him and been very selfish all their married life. Yet he stayed for the children. Just thinking like.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 10:23:53

I am looking at myself, i really am. What possessed me to even go there.

I am responsible for my part, and i don't feel sorry for myself in that way. I have helped create this.

My mother had an affair, and left my father, but is she still a shit? Just thinking outloud here. Is he a shit, a total shit? Is his wife a bit of a shit for her behaviour. I believe that each relationship is different.

badinage Thu 13-Dec-12 10:08:36

Yes but if he hadn't let you down, he would still have been a shit wouldn't he? People don't stop being shits just because it's not you personally they are letting down.

You thought you could trust someone who was evidently untrustworthy to his wife and family.

Generally speaking, if people are untrustworthy to their loved ones, they will be untrustworthy full stop. You can't cherry pick and say that it's okay as long as they are trustworthy to you personally.

You've been through a rough time, but you aren't the only victim in this sorry mess because at least you had a say in what happened. I think if you keep up this dialogue of 'I'm such a nice caring person, I don't deserve this' you'll overlook your own behaviour and choices in this and that will be a mistake. Better to find out why you were prepared to be with someone who could sacrifice his wife and family for you and deceive them.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 09:37:00

I feel i trusted someone who has basically let me down. It doesn't mean i will not trust again, but i do feel my instincts will be better after this experience. We are always learning aren't we. He behaved like a shit, a coward and wasn't a strong enough person to even put his hands up and end this properly with me. I did, and i will continue to be me, just not give it away on a lost cause.

I am the nurturer in my family, everyone relies on me and i have learnt to step back from them. My children come first. I can't control how others 'work', i don't understand sometimes and that is frustrating, and i think it's upsetting when it's not something you feel you would do,as it's hard to move on from.

I have done alot for myself this year, lost a heap of weight, found recognition for some of my professional work. His actions and promises are for him to carry now, not me. x

HisstletoeAndWhine Wed 12-Dec-12 19:58:12

I'm 2yrs on, some therapy and mumsnet support later, I'm happier than ever. I have everything in the world, well except money and a size 8 behind.. hmm grin

I've started another relationship, 7m in now, and he's adorable. True, there were some duds online prior, but with each one I grew and learnt. Sure I got a bit hurt, but I had to toughen up a bit, was scared of everone and everything. I realised that I didn't have to put up with any crap. I can be zero BS tolerance, and those that are true, honest, and good enough to share my life, do.

Come over to the Stately Homes threads, forget about this man for now, you have more important hurts to heal.

Corygal Wed 12-Dec-12 19:00:04

I feel very sorry for you - you've been very badly treated. Adultery or not, you've had the shitty end of the stick for some time.

The man is appalling and the only plus to all this is that he's finally out of your hair, so keep it that way.

Most men really aren't as bad as he was - try and heal for a bit and then think again about a nice new one.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:45:37

i would agree.

HisstletoeAndWhine Wed 12-Dec-12 17:32:44

I would suggest that you were not as 'sorted' as you thought you were.

Your self esteem was telling you that all this was OK. You have clearly suffered both with your Ex and before. THIS is the reason you settled for something that anyone with a good strong sense of esteem would have told to keep moving.

You can get through this.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:28:01

hissletoe, i was quite sorted till he came along, had worked hard on a lifetime of depression, really sorted my head out. Another life lesson has just been learnt. Don't take any shit from anyone. Honestly and i know many women say this on here, i am a very strong, fun, reliable person. Mad sense of humour and quite a deep person. spiritual i guess. my downfall is trust. i wanted to trust something after my ex i suppose. I do trust in myself now tho, more than ever.

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